Alpha - rollercoasting #3

[alpha99]

Thanks twinmom, I needed that. I did say I wasn't taking anything said to heart but I have been pondering it - probably too much. My W has left me. That is hard to type, hard to accept, but there it is sitting there looking at me. I will apply DB/DR techniques, live my life, and see what happens as it happens. Easier said than done I know but that's the intention anyway. I do feel I am slowly getting there. It's a long road but I have all the time in the world.

I have been reading about Plan A, Plan B, and a few other things from various sources. One thing that reoccurs time and again is that no WAS is going to find LBS attractive if he sits around waiting and hoping that things will work out. I believe through today's conversation I have set the wheels in motion to show that (although I didn't state I didn't want R) I am not just sitting around waiting for WAS to come to her senses.

Oh, I forgot to add: any suggestions for when W comes back with a text with watered down parenting plan (probable outcome) or refuses point blank to let me have them (also highly likely)? She said she would never stop me from seeing them but at the moment she doesn't want me to have them on my own. I was thinking of toughening up a little, turning the screw on her a little. I don't want to go down the solicitor route (mainly because I don't have the money for it right now) but anything else would be on the table as an option.

[alpha99]

W has just called me. I probably should have ignored it but I did answer.

Anyway, the purpose of her call was to say she has been thinking about my email and our conversation before (and I would imagine discussing it with her parents). She says she doesn't trust me alone with the children but would like to go out on Tuesday to take the children to the cinema together and then again maybe on Friday. Whilst we're out we are going to discuss parenting arrangements for the future (in a week or two's time were her words) once she is confident that I am not a 'danger' to the kids. She admitted again that I am an excellent father, she would never deprive me of seeing the kids, the kids love me as much as they do her. I 'agreed' with her comments and she was less frosty on the phone. Only once when I paused momentarily did she say, 'oh you're always the same, I speak and just get nothing back'. That's not been the case in our R previously, I was just trying to think of a way to validate something she had said quickly.

Anyway, a result! Two family events planned for this week, time with the kids, and a chance to show off the work I have done on myself so far.

[twinmom]

Bad idea!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your words "family event"...... nope that's not what it is and you need to stop viewing it like that. Contact legal aid or whatever free legal advice service is called....

All she is doing is playing the power card, she may very well be afraid of you being alone with the kids BUT the parenting plan you sent to her clearly explained your family would be there. So she of full of sh!t.....

I am NOT saying to be a jerk but you should NOT gauge if something is working by how nice/warm she is. You aren't going to get her back by being nice.

[T384]

Is there a reason you can't be alone with the kids?

If not then seek legal counsel. She is running the show and you are acting like this is a win for you.

Btw this is not a family event. If you do happen to attend make it about the kids. It's not about her as your W. Think as her of a supervising child care worker supervising your visit since you aren't deemed safe to be alone with the kids.

[Complex]

Alpha you said you wanted to "show off" the work you have done on yourself.
I don't know exactly how you meant it but be cautious with it.
I made this mistake before and didn't see any benefit from it. The best you can do is to stay humble about everything. People and W notice anyway what you are doing and that you present yourself differently and stronger. And when you don't say much at all, you being humble makes you look even better. Be as natural as you can and a humble, awesome man and father!
Just trying to feed your thoughts

[alpha99]

Thanks for the comments all.

Yes, I guess I've framed it wrong. It's not a family event, it's her allowing limited access to kids. We are going out partly to discuss future arrangements though. I will be aiming to get that sort of parenting plan in place.

No reason I can't be alone with kids. None at all. She is using the fact I took two extra sleeping pills a few months ago and made out I was going to end it all. I was desperate and upset but I knew the tablets were well within a safe dosage because I'd checked. That was more a stupid, last ditch attempt to win her back. Since then I've had kids several times on my own. When S6 was in hospital last week and W for some reason was being awkward in allowing me access to him or speaking to a doctor about him, I got upset and said I might as well be dead, said I was going to do it that day. Again, not a serious thing, just exasperation at not being allowed to see my ill son properly.

I'm sure she knows that. Like has been said, she is using the power card. I've been desperate to avoid the legal route. Maybe that fear has expressed itself to her. We are reaching the point though where if arrangements don't work out this week then that is going to be an option.


Complex, I meant 'show off' in the sense if subtly display. I'm not a flash, show off kind of person. I'm usually very self deprecating and humble. I meant things like looking my best, being happy, using validation and other skills I'm picking up.

Actually, though I'm desperate to see the kids, do you think I should reply saying something like 'actually, I've been thinking. As much as I want to see the children, to do so in a 'supervised' manner is unfeasible for me. I think a better option is agreeing something along the lines of the parenting arrangements I emailed to you the other day. Please have another look at it, feel free to make suggestions to change parts, and we can go from there.

Edit: As I've alluded to in recent posts, although this is a case of her exerting her power, I wonder if it is done to keep me on the hook, to see if I'm still option B. It seems mentioning that I wouldnt want her to be in a relationship with me if that made her unhappy really surprised her and later in the day I got a call back. She complained I haven't been in touch and then arranges two meet ups this week. She may be thinking solely if the kids, or may possibly be using them as a way to maintain contact with me. Who knows.

[mvgfwd2]

You may want to get some legal help to know your rights and give you some grounding on what options you have. Not to use at the moment, but to know where you stand. I smell a rat when you say she is the one who just decided for no reason you aren't fit to be with the kids alone. Could she be setting you up to be seen as an uncaring father who abandoned the kids? I wouldn't let this continue for long and be sure to document every instance you attempt to be with your kids and her blocking it or controlling the access. Courts love documentation to backup what you say. You have as much right to be with them alone as she does unless there is something else going on I don't know.

[Starsky309]

I smell a rat when you say she is the one who just decided for no reason you aren't fit to be with the kids alone.

Not sure if you've been following along at all, mvg, but Alpha has at least twice made his wife believe he was trying to kill himself. First by taking some extra sleeping pills a few months ago and making out like he was "going to end it all," and then more recently by threatening suicide at the hospital.

Frankly Alpha, I'm with your wife on this one and I thought her reply to you this weekend was reasonable and would probably be my response as a concerned parent as well. She's neither preventing you from seeing them, but she also wants to make sure you are more emotionally stable before allowing them to be with you unsupervised.

Starsky

[mvgfwd2]

Yes, I missed that part Starsky. I didn't read back far enough I guess. It would be reasonable for her to be worried about her kids being around a possible suicide. I take back the bulk of my previous post.

[Starsky309]

Both instances are mentioned in his post at 2:36am today, above.