Alpha - rollercoasting #3

[alpha99]

Thread number 2 here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545510&page=all

Things had reached a new low with the fallout between W and I whilst son in hospital. High emotions on both sides. I've calmed down a lot.

W moved stuff out today. I'm v tired right now. My last post or two from previous thread covers this. W very angry, things pretty bleak now. Good news is I handled tonight in the best way possible. Missing my kids. I will take strength from how I handled tonight and it is the way forward. W will calm down, I will see kids, they will always love me, I will always love them. Over time the worst case scenario is W and I are amicable. I am going to be a better person. If W doesn't want that, thats fine. Night all

[Complex]

You sound much better than before. Sorry to hear about the tension between you and your W. It just makes me feel sick knowing there are kids involved.
They are the most important thing on earth. And even if we don't see changes in them right away, they are smart and absorb everythjng. And it's changing them.
For them: be the best alpha you can possibly be! Take the high road and be a great example of a father to them. I know you are
Keep your head high!

[alpha99]

Thanks Complex. Yes, I do feel a lot better, still not great, but as I wrote previously I think for the first time in a major potential disaster moment I handled things well. I was pleasant, appeared happy, calm, content, and not emotional. It is sickening having children involved. I have been such a devoted father that not being able to put them to bed, wake them up, read stories and Olay games as I've done pretty much every day of their lives is heartbreaking. This is not a permanent situation though. Even W agrees with that. Somewhere down the track I will be able to do all those things. I now I can cope with this. As things proceed further along in this process I'm realising any faint hope if it all magically working out in an instant has gone and been replaced by the understanding that thus really is going to be a long hard slog. I am strapped in for the ride now.

[alpha99]

About a week ago I wrote out some goals. Here they are:

* go on a family activity * be included in a future event. * W show a little interest in me either on phone or face to face.

How have I done?

Well, due to son being ill no family activity planned. After going out with kids for a meal last week, S asked W if she would come next time. We've taken a step back since then due to hospital/my handling of emotions.

No future events planned together at the moment. School knows we are separated now. Parents evening next week. W should be organising time slot to see teacher. I will wait and see if she includes me in that.

W had expressed interest in me during the last week. GOAL MET! unfortunately of course I backslid over son/hospital/emotions etc so this is going to need work on in future.

Overall, I made good progress last week and then spoilt things.

Signs things were getting better:

W being more polite towards me, spending more time in same room as me etc.

This week's goals:

* Get through a week without being emotional with W/be more pleasant with her
* Be included in future event (most likely parent's evening).
* Have her ask how I am doing etc.

I plan to achieve these goals by pulling back, detaching as much as possible, and not pursuing W in any way. Upon interaction with W I will re-adopt last week's attitude that was working so well until I had a meltdown.

[alpha99]

Had a call from hospital about follow up treatment for son.

Had to call W to inform her as she would no doubt be taking him.

The good news is she took my call. She was very frosty though, asked why hospital had called me, not her. I said I don't know. Every item of information I passed on was met with 'I know that, I know that' other than date and time of appointment. She ended conversation with 'is that all?'. When I said yeah, we ended with a short, business like 'bye bye'.

I kept calm throughout, didn't respond to her 'know it all attitude' etc. It is getting easier to do and the more I do this, the more I know I can continue doing it.

[twinmom]

You need to make goals about YOU NOT HER!

Make 3 goals that have NOTHING to do with her.......

A goal of being included in a family activity is really reaching and not where your focus should be right now.

[Sotto]

I find the goals thing pretty confusing. I recently re-read that chapter of DR, and the goals MWD looks at are M/R goals.

I agree with TM, that the family activity may be 'reaching.' Although mutual parent's evening visit that runs smoothly would be a good outcome. I also liked the goal or remaining calm/not reacting this week.

Is it more when you have a WS, actively involved with someone else, that the goals need to be more about you? But if you have a marriage in trouble, and not a WS, the goals can be more about the R?

My recent goals have been much more about me, because we don't have a R as such at the moment. But I can see that could change if OP wasn't in the picture and we did decide to work on the M.

Sorry to hijack Alpha, but this may be useful info for you too perhaps?

[alpha99]

Hi twinmom, toots,

Thanks for your comments.

Twinmom, I am confused. I understand what you're saying but in my head I saw working on myself and working on my marriage as two separate things. By that I mean of course I have goals to improve myself, for example, a change in career. Now a goal this week in that regard could be updating my CV and applying for a few jobs. However, I had read the goal setting section in MWD's books as being M based.

I don't know if you are the same toots but I'm trying to get my head around using the techniques such as setting goals, validation etc in tandem with where i am now, which is LRT. For example, I'm not initiating contact with W right now but if she calls I might act as if I'm happy or I might validate something she says without agreeing, do a verbal 180 etc. I will have to see her because of children on a regular basis with the hope that by not pursuing but being beighbourly etc these goals are achievable.

Have I got this wrong? Is it one or the other as far as the experimenting, using techniques etc and LRT go?


In fact, as I've slowly written this on my mobile, W has just randomly called. She has bought school photos of the kids. Since we haven't spoken she has bought copies for me and rang to inform me (a good sign that she's initiated contact) of the cost etc, and also to say we can sort out which ones I want and the money when I see her next. That would seem on the surface to be heading in my general goal area and to be a positive thing, i.e. she's done me a favour as I wouldn't have had pics if she didn't order them. She contacted me. Also, she has it mind to.meet at some point to exchange photos/money.

She was still (but slightly less so) frosty on the phone. I acknowledged what she said, was pleasant sounding, and brought talk to a natural end rather than drag the call out. In a real cr@p situation I am pleased with how I'm starting to cope emotionally. I wish my children a long and happy life of course and even though it's feel like my insides are being burnt with acid not seeing them every day, I do realise that we have the rest of our lives to spend together as they get older and nothing is permanent, certainly not the mess I have right now.

[Starsky309]

I find the goals thing pretty confusing. I recently re-read that chapter of DR, and the goals MWD looks at are M/R goals.

I have never liked MWD's goal-setting techniques, to be honest, or maybe I'm misunderstanding them. Every single self-help, business, etc. book I've ever read and every seminar I've ever gone to says that goals need to be "realistic, achievable, specific, dated, and self-focused."

I understand what she's teaching here -- things to look for that would be demonstrable signs of progress -- but I've always thought that those were mostly out of the betrayed/left-behind spouse's control. Maybe if she called them "roadmarks" or "relationship markers" or something?

In any event, I do think Alpha you'd be better served to set goals for YOURSELF each week. Those can include things like "remain calm at all times when interacting with wife," but they should all be about things that YOU can control.

Starsky

[alpha99]

Thanks for the input Starksy. As part of changing myself and GAL I do have goals for myself. Maybe I will start to post them here instead of just having them in my head.

I agree starksy with your point about some goals being out of control. For example, in her book an example of a vague goal becoming action oriented, not wanting to be separated as a goal becomes I want to be home by May. Now, if I were to say I want to move in with W by X time, that goal is too far reaching now and I have little control over it. Despite the timeframe element, something short term such as doing a family activity together may well be out of my control. I can do things along the way though that may aid in achieving this goal or vice versa. Ranting at W would certainly not bring that goal any closer to fruition, but maybe having it in mind and acting in a way that might bring it about (say being relaxed, co-operative with W to a degree) may bring those goals nearer. That's just my thought on it. I do sense a discrepancy between the books and people here on this. That's interesting and midly confusing for me at the same time.