Hi all, I've been on here reading quite a bit for the past 3 days and decided to post. Everyone is so supportive and has great advice. I also have 2 of Michele's books.
My wife and I have been married for 15 years, we have 3 kids ages 14, 12, and 6. We have by no means had a bad marriage, but little things here and there that have eroded trust and building up walls. I have been talking with her for about the last 18 months about both of us seeming distant and not opening up. She has agreed. Late last week, I felt I need to talk with her about it... BOOM! She said she no longer feels that she know who she is, she feels like she doesn't have the ability to be vulnerable around me, and doesn't think it can continue to work. She said she doesn't truly believe people can change, or relationships can change, and she's given 15 years for this one to change and it hasn't.
Instead of giving her space, I continued to try and get her to see the bright side and see if we could work together and change. She said she was taking a stand on this one and she was going to do what it took to get herself back. She was willing to give it a little time and see counseling. I told her we could set a good example to the kids about digging in rolling up their sleeves and fighting for what you want. She said her perspective is that you can also leave a relationship for happiness and get what you want as well. I really worry about the kids.
Last night we started to talk about it again, which ended in another big fight in which she proceed to tell me I had 3 days to show her I could change...and I didn't. Whew...I'm lost. This morning she agree to call of the divorce, have a separation period under the same roof, and see a counselor next Thursday. Man this is hard. I obviously want to talk things out, but she is so hurt, raw, and has her heels dug in, it can only go south. She said her reasoning to go to counseling is so that we can communicate better...don't know if that means towards working on our relationship or just in the fact we will have to co-parent as divorcees.
Here is the list of things she says I do (yes I wrote them down after the fight) 1) always feels like I'm stressed and won't open up 2) Has everyone else living on egg shells 3) Can be controlling when we fight 4) Don't listen well 5) Think of myself first 6) emotionally up and down when we fight
How do I move forward. I intend not to talk with her about the relationship anymore until we see the therapist. What should I do around the house? How should I act? Please help!
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction.
You mentioned that the two of you will be attending counseling together. Your observation is a good one regarding what the agenda might be for the counseling session. Check out this video about couples counseling from Michele so you know what to watch for!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
When I walk in the door, do I acknowledge her? Ask how her day was and quickly move on? or Do I just engage the kids and put on a happy face, etc. Thanks for all of the advice! The Sandi' rules and GaL will definitely happen, starting today.
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
Had a non-conflict night last night!! I came home extremely upbeat, and asked how everyone's day went. She answered and asked about mine. I played outside with the boys, played aboard game with them, and helped with homework. I offered to help with dinner, and I got no thanks with no eye contact. We all had dinner together, but she and I didn't communicate. I went and picked up my daughter from the gym, ran and got milk (without her asking because we were out), and put the kids down. When I came downstairs, she was folding clothes. I offered to help, but she said nope, I got it...so I told her good night and went to my room. Little things I noticed:
1) she did not make my plate of dinner, only hers and the kids. 2) she avoided eye contact at all costs 3) she answered any questions, but had short answers 4) she initiated one conversation about one of the boy's friends
***I must admit, I almost feel as though she is mad at me because I am not unhappy?!?!?
This morning, she was very icy and avoided eye contact. She gave one word answers for things like when I told everyone to have a good day. She happened to be walking back into the house from dropping off the kids as I was walking out to my ride. She actually smiled and I told her to have a great day...I didn't pay attention to whether she answered or not.
About 30 minutes into work, she texted me to tell me son's track meet was cancelled. She then texted to ask about some pictures that might be on my laptop. I answered very upbeat telling her I would look and send them to her. She texted back to tell me no hurry. I sent the pictures and told her there were some great shots in there. She immediately replied, Thank you.
What do we think? Am I going about this the right way?
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
Miler, do not ask her anything! Treat her like she is an acquaintance, but nothing more. Spend time with your kids, let her see you enjoying them. Make plans with just you and your kids, start "new" memories without her in the picture. Detach, it's hard, it [censored], but it will help you out in the long run.
With my WW I detached, then kept getting back on the rollarcoaster of "I love you...but I want a divorce." So I finally got off the damn thing and live my own life. I am only a few years younger than you and over the last few months I have stepped outside my comfort zone GAL. I have taken cooking classes, dancing classes (which were actually kind of fun), did a Bikrat Yoga class (I do not do Yoga, but this was the equivalent of yoga in hell) and have already done many things with my kids I normally wouldn't have done. We just did our first road trip, just the 3 of us.
She will notice this, she will make comments and try to cut you down, she will say things like "Too little too late". Ignore it. You are doing this for you, not for her. You are showing her the "new and improved" you. And the best part is that you will find yourself happier in the end.
Keep your head up, give her space, show her you CAN live without her. Do the 180, stick to the rules and see what happens. Good luck!
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
Thanks for the inspiration and encouragement Eye! Two non-conflict days in a row now. We spoke a bit tonight and she actually made eye contact. We all sat at the dinner table for dinner. She seems to initiate about the kids, which is cool. I am always upbeat and I am having a blast with the kids. I always ask how everyone's day is and am being in the moment with everyone's answers. Playing out in the front yard, playing board games, helping daughter with projects. I've learned how to disconnect from my life to connect to theirs. It's awesome, I've never had so much fun being around my kids!
Interestingly, she almost seems angry that I am not acting unhappy. Without a doubt she thinks this is all an act, but hey, as long as she is noticing right?
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
Last week, wife's favorite uncle died. We obviously had limited interaction over the last week with the separation. I went into her room last night and told her that I didn't have the right words, but I was so sorry for her loss and I knew how much he meant to her. She actually looked my into the eyes and told me she appreciated it. Later in the night, she actually initiated some talk (not about the kids) while we were all at the dinner table. I only responded when spoken to and made myself scarce around the house (doing 180s...folding laundry, helping kids with homework, talking with my daughter on her bed, etc.). She definitely pulled away for the rest of the night - of course there is still a huge part of her grieving as well.
She was leaving this morning to go to the funeral a few states away with her parents (there will be a big family there). I was helping get the kids ready for school. She came and told each one of them bye, but didn't really acknowledge me. At one point though, I was bringing my work bag to the living room and she gave me a half smile and rubbed down my arm. I just kept going and went about my business. I haven't called, texted, or any thing since. I did send flowers to her aunt this morning...I am assuming she will see that when she gets there. I am assuming right now she is thinking "too little, too late"
ANY INSIGHTS, INPUT, or ADVICE? any thing new when she gets back on Sunday night?
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
Crazy, as I was typing the last post, my wife texted me to tell my youngest that she loves him. The pessimist in me thinks this could be her reminder to me that I needed to pick him up from school in her absence, but her-initiated communication is communication, right?
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
