Alpha and WAW - part 2

[alpha99]

W coming within the hour to get her stuff with FIL. Any advice on how to deal with this?

She's very angry at the moment. Won't let me see kids cos she doesn't trust me after yesterday.

[Starsky309]

Yes: CONTROL YOURSELF.

[twinmom]

May I suggest not being there if you are not positive you can handle seeing her......

Get your emotions under control!

[alpha99]

(Thank you both for your replies... I didn't have chance to reply before W came)

W just been. It went as well as it possibly could. I prepared myself for her likely frosty reception but acted as if she would be pleased to see me. She came with FIL. He is a very, very passive, non confrontational person, so that was no problem.

W stayed about 20 minutes or so, didn't take many possessions really, and only complained over the Wii. Says she will come back another day for another rummage.

I think I handled it really well. I'm quite proud of myself. What a terrible, horrible thing to have to do...and right after S's illness too. But for the first time post split I think I handled a major event very well indeed. This is the blueprint for how to handle future flashpoints. W still very, very angry with me over my behaviour this last few days but I'm sure time on her own in her own place will calm her down.

Reading about detachment definitely helped today, as did discussing things at length properly for the first time with my F. I explained DR principles and his intrusive, must know everything right now attitude hadn't helped. He understands this and it has changed his perspective on things.

I've read alot of success stories today for inspiration. They made me feel good. They made me think that no matter how bleak and miserable things are today, they can always get better tomorrow. That's not to say they will, and if they don't I'm slowly learning how to deal with things.

On the GAL front, I've been to the gym today, set a new PB for my run that I do. Had a family meet up in a cafe this morning. Watched some sport this afternoon. Out for some fresh air after W left as I've stopped to write this.

A few days away from my kids is heartbreaking but they will grow up to know that their dad loves them more than anything in the world. Of course W loves them too. They will see nothing but love from me.

I feel this is a turning point, not in my sitch, but rather in how I am going to be able to cope emotionally going forward. Sure, there may be shocks, there may be setbacks, and I may backslide once or twice, but now I know I an strong enough to go through this. I need to have patience too of course, and that will undoubtedly be tested.

[alpha99]

One example exchange from this evening. W phoned:

W: hi, can you bring me the big TV and blu ray player?
M: err what, when do you want that, now, or tomorrow? What do you mean?
W: oh it doesn't matter.
M: I just mean I don't know when you want me to bring it.
W: well, now if you can.
M: ok. If I bring them up soon then would it be OK to see the kids for a bit? How are they?
W: oh I don't have to meet your demands. You can't demand you'll see the kids whenever you want. Forget it. I'll just buy a new TV.
M: It wasn't a demand, it was just a question. I haven't seen the kids and I miss them.
W: well I don't think it's fair that you won't give me the TV and you get all the stuff. Ive got a lot to pay for and you're keeping everything. We're going to have to go through the courts over the stuff aren't we?
M: what? Who said that? We've said we'll split the stuff. I've just said I'll bring the TV. I just asked about seeing the kids.
W: not now, I'm so angry. Oh now you're saying I can have the TV.

Conversation reaches conclusion with her saying she'll be home in a bit.

Yes, I've got emotional, I've said stupid, angry things on occasion (mainly last few days) but this incoherent babble from W is hard to deal with. Thankfully I was calm, didn't get angry, and dealt with it in the best way I could. I think I did a good job. At least I hope I did.

[Starsky309]

Wow. Is she on something? That's just insane.

[alpha99]

Hi Starksy, that is how A LOT of conversations have gone recently. It's easy to see how backsliding happens when W, after we'd got on quite well throughout the week, didn't want me to come and see my son in hospital. She didn't want me to see the doctor or discuss anything with the nurses. Doc came when I was there, I made a few comments over son using an inhaler, W was nice. As soon as doc went we had a very similar crazy conversation about how I overruled, dominated the conversation, didn't know anything about my son, was wrong in everything I'd said. I said he uses an inhaler and sometimes coughs. That's pretty much it. W said he rarely coughs and I was wrong. I thought to myself that his little baulking cough had probably gone unnoticed by her but didn't say anything. All his inhalers are at home so I doubt he'd used it recently. W had to leave ward for about 40 minutes. As soon as she left S coughed. I decided I'd count. 12 baulking coughs in 40 minutes. Whatever she says I won't withhold information or stand idlely by when S or D's health is in question. There are limits to everything, even stepping back and biting your tongue. If I had to choose again, I'd do exactly the same thing in this case