My wife (39) and I (41) have been in martial struggles for quite a while now, since November 2011 that she told me that she was unhappy and ‘had one foot out the door’. Back then I thought that this was a phase and didn’t have a clue that there were real problems in our marriage. We have been married for 17 years this spring, started dating 23+ years ago with a couple of break ups when I went away to college 20+ years ago and now we have two boys 10 & 13. Wife stayed at home and work consulting during the younger years to keep them out of daycare. Once the children were in school, Wife went back to work and her career has blossomed. Over the years, we stopped putting each other first (BOTH OF US). Kids, careers, Coaching the kids sports, everything else came first. I realized how little I was cherishing her, how little I was showing her that she was the most important person in my life.
About 3 years ago, we went to IC & MC to try to figure out what was wrong and we ended it smiles and happy…or so I thought.. After a year I got more of the unhappiness and wanting to leave talks. I did the normal ‘re-energized husband’ route and focused ALL of my efforts on the family and on her. I did all of the chores, blah-blah-blah. Little did I know the damage I was doing.  I started to see IC again, but I kept focusing on her. It wasn’t until about 6 months ago, on my own that I really started digging into my own self and realizing how undesirable I had really become. A week, clingy, needy, homebody that catered, begged, pouted and cried. Our sex life is non-existent, we went from a couple of times a week to now…once in the last 8 months and going on twice in the last year. I stopped seeing my IC, she was not helping me, let alone my marriage. This has affected me greatly. That and not having my best friend even want to talk to me anymore was crippling me.
My wife had pulled away the more I pushed and tried to hold on. I started to realize how much my behavior was blame for some of this. I started reading everything I could (lots of good and lots of really bad information out there). It took me a long time to dig myself out of this deep hole that I was in. grumpy, grouchy, get upset all the time. I have seen how poisonous this behavior was. I had seen how my negativity had begun to ruin my life and my family. I started to accept what I had become and really adopted a positive mental attitude. Started to work less, focus on me. Many of the tools in the DivorceRemedy book I had kinda stumbled on myself…pulling back, validating, listening. These were reinforced with the book once I finally found this website. I have adopted some 180’s & GAL (Listen – really listen when W speaks, Thanking her / showing appreciation for little things, finish projects when I start, trying to be more honest with myself and thus others about my desires/wants, stop being a perfectionist, stop trying to control outcomes, giving her space, trying to do less for her, started guitar lessons, started back exercising lots and swimming a couple times a week, joined a gaming group once-twice a month). She has been working longer hours and is 1.5 years into going back to get her bachelor’s degree so she has been very busy at home and in her office. I have been trying to Detach myself. This was not easy. But I’ve been moderately successful and not trying to solve her problems, just listen. Or when she had a bad day, not react. If she was fighting with the kids, try to support her position instead of showing any signs of dissent or disagreement. Make sure I didn’t show here if I was upset about something…it was held in and cried out later.
I thought things were actually getting better. She was talking to me about daily stuff, normal stuff. She was acting more comfortable around me asked me for help with things. Was doing little things for me, buying me silly gifts…even an awesome Xmas present (first REAL gift I had gotten from here in years). She wasn’t Cringing when I would walk past her. She started to hold me in bed. Joking with me. Kissing me. Hugging me. We even made love at the end of January…over six months since the last time. I had started feeling wanted again…it had been years since I felt that way. These were many of my ‘relationship goals’ that I had set so it has been felt very positive. Last night we were talking in the kitchen and she opened up kinda out of nowhere (said, I know you have wanted to talk, so…) about how she is not sure of who she really is and how she doesn’t like a lot of what she sees in herself. She said that she is upset that we live so far away from her family and that she is disappointed in herself that she never really forged any real friendships were we live and let die those other friendships she once had. She was upset that she never got involved in any sort of politics, community stuff or school boards (stuff she thought about when she was younger). She said that she felt very constrained that we were too close sometimes and she never got a chance to be her own person when she was younger (2 years away at college was all). We share everything. She even mentioned joint email account and how she never was financially independent. I know that she had held onto resentment from past issues (we’d talked before in MC about how upset that she felt she was forced into signing papers for my Vasectomy and into house renovation instead of moving). She is also said that she has had space issues with me and the kids. In the past she has said that she hates the way she looks (her exact word was ‘disgusting’ but she we has been overweight, although we have been going to the gym together and separate and eating better – losing weight and feeling healthier)...i have never seen the ugly that she professes.
The entire time I tried to Validate her talking, no crying, no pushing for information she didn’t want to give. I know it wasn’t perfect with some of my responses or questions, but it was by far my best attempt. At the end she said that I should not worry about it, that it was nothing and that she is trying to work things out. I did ask about to see if it would be worth it for her to go and speak with a councilor ( I found one that is much better solution orientated and I went to see him last week) and she said it probably wasn’t worth it. I am not sure if this is a good sign that she is starting to leave the fog or if this is just another, bigger cavern that we are entering in together. I don’t want to show her how much it hurt me to think that maybe things aren’t going well after all.
I have been trying to hold onto this for so long, but I needed to vent. Needed to share with someone, cause I cannot lay my fear and sadness on her feet. Clearly I am not fully detached and am still trying to figure out how to completely drop the rope. I have felt so alone for so long that It is not hard to slip back into the Pursuer Mode when W has shown appreciation for the things i do and positive affectionate behavior towards me. Baby Steps.
Thanks all for listening / reading. i know that i've learned so much from you all already over the last several months from reading your insightful posts and heartfelt testimonies.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Last couple of days I have been trying to be upbeat. Playing – homeworking with the kids, trying to focus better at work (this has been an enormous problem for me over this troubled time at home – fortunately my employers have been very understanding that ‘trouble at home’ means that I am not 100% at work) and focusing on some more goals for me. I am having trouble figuring out more things that I can do outside of the house. Nothing is grabbing me…will keep looking. I know I need to make new friends myself and do new things, this is really not natural for me…taking chances means chance of failure (perfectionist in me rearing it ugly head).
Wife has been trying to pacify me with obligatory hugs or kisses in the morning and that is about it for the day for any affection. It is terrible when I get warmer hugs from the neighborhood mom’s whenever we meet. This might be the hardest part of the living together – alone situation….lack of affection that I desire more than anything else in the world. In the past couple of years, the wife said that she is having personal space issues with me and the kids, as a response for the lack of closeness. It is terrible that I see her giving more affection to the dog than she is willing to share with me. She had said that she is trying.
On a odd note, I have been trying to be more assertive with things that I want. Over the last couple of years I have been so afraid of making her mad by asking for things that I’ve been walking on eggshells and keeping to myself. I know that needs to change so I’ve been trying. Last week when W asked what we should do for dinner, I told her that I’d like BLT’s and if she could make some Leek and Potato soup. She actually went to the store to buy the ingredients and made the soup for dinner. Crazy (I still made the sandwiches, but holy crap she hasn’t made a meal for me in years). Another day last week she said that she was stopping at the grocery store if I needed anything (I had just been the night before to do Big / weekly shopping) and told her that I forget pears…if she couple pick up some bartlet pears for me. When I got home there were none in the fridge so I didn’t say anything I sort of got disappointed in my head. She came out of the office and told me that she couldn’t find any bartlet pears and that she went to three different stores to find them but couldn’t find them. She ended up buying 3 different kinds of pears for me to try instead. It turns out that I screwed up and actually wanted Anjou Pears and was mistaken. WOW. I was soo happy that she went through all of that effort that I couldn’t hold back my excitement with thank you’s and the like.
One more, last night shortly after dinner, I went into the office where she was working on homework…and said ‘I know you are busy and understand how much your homework takes up your time, But I would like very much if you would join me upstairs and have sex with me.” She looked like she was going to say no, and instead said ok. Without too much detail, I tried to change up the ‘normal’ but there was too much resistance to that from her. So afterwards while we were still in the room, I asked her if she would like me to show her some basics that I’ve been learning with my guitar. She was rather excited to try, so we spent 10 minutes with that instead of being awkward and not knowing what to say or do after being intimate.
But then this morning, it was same cold wife when it was time to go. SOOOO confused. I need to temper my expectations, I know I have so very far to go with me and with my marriage. She is not all here and maybe never will. I just haven’t been able to accept that. it is very hard when I sleep 18” from her and have so much together. I keep telling myself that my wife is not mine to lose, that I will be just fine if we get divorced (she has never even used the word in 3+ years of discussions) but I do not want to lose my children or my friend.
I have been trouble accepting what I've been seeing lately...I cannot tell if what is going g on is real or some kind of dream. Wife has been slowly coming back to nice-land and it has been awesome. Compliments, asking & listening to responses instead of asking for opinion then arguing with it it outright, backing me up with the kids, sitting down and talking with me just to talk instead of only asking questions for direct answers only. Other items I've seen from her...talking about future, she has said she wants to make new memories, has expressed looking forward to vacations, future plans we've talked about, finishing the basement project and more. We have even had sex three times in the last week (doubling the total for the last 12 months). Wife has even left her phone at home when we've gone out for errands a couple of times...where in last couple of years has been unheard of to do this. I continue to keep positive at all times. I am continuing to try to keep a mindset of improving how people respect me including being more assertive and outspoken fo4 what I want instead of being passive and week. I am continuing going to the gym...I have really taken notice at how much better shape I am in(others have noticed...including my wife). While I am really enjoying the attention and loving behavior from wife...I remain a bit sceptical ... Don't want to feel like a chump if this progressive behavior is something different than what I am seeing at face value. I am sure she is confused... Maybe more than me I am reassuring myself that this could be my new wife and it excites me but I cannot allow myself to backslide or to try to see ulterior motives if there are any. We go on vacation next week and we are both looking forward to fishing, kayaking and reading. I've even scheduled a short trip to the glades while in florida, I really want to go on a fan boat through the swamps. Wife and boys excited about it too.
My wife left almost a month and a half ago, she is delusional in thinking, she still talks about us going to Disney World as a "family" and other things like that. It's my sons birthday tomorrow, I am having my folks over and some other family members. I didn't invite her (it's my night with the kids), but she threw a stink and said "For the time being, your family is MY family and I want to be there". I relented, simply because it would effect my son.
WAW's/WW's are only sane in their own mind.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
Thanks Eye! I need to keep focusing on my kids and myself. I need to not keep buying tickets for the rollercoaster ride. Reality is I have really been enjoying our time together over last couple of months and I miss that more than anything in the world...Uugh!
Why can I not just admit that my wife is already 'gone' and that all I see is just a show for pacifying me until whatever condition is met for her to actually leave.
I keep seeing things that may or not be evidence or her being gone. I haveaintainwd trust in her time will tell if that trust is a mistake or not.
I've read women's posts across the webs who describe her behavior too a tee who have never dreamed of leaving, but cannot get past previous hurts or let go of resentment. and I keep stepping in [censored] making it worse for us.
Last night i was going down the stairs and wife was comming up. she sat down and started crying. i sat beside her and inquired into the tears. She started to apologize for 'everything' then specifically all of the extra burden that her schooling has created for me.
I told her that there was no reason to be sorry, that i knew exactly what we were getting into when she asked to go back to school. I remember how hard college was for me, tho that was going on 20 years ago. She works full time and is working towards here BA 1/2 time. i have had to pick up 'the slack' around the house.
I feel like I messed up, to avoid some kind of confrontation about her not doing enough around the house. I have been lately diverting a bunch of the housework to the boys...dishes sometimes, folding thier own laundry, cleaning thier bathroom, some dusting, but a vast majority of the rest is on me (i did stop doing her laundry 3 months ago).
I feel like i am starting to go nuts. My confidence is rapidly unraveling...how the path that i've been on is ALL WRONG and i am barreling towards a disaster.
