Jim0987 #13 - Its life Jim, but not as we know it

[Vanilla]

To me too

V

[Mozza]

jim0987 - I'm so very happy you're updating us on your situation. We grow attached to one another and I want to know how your situation evolves. I will say like Ggrass and Vanilla that you do sound better now. In fact, I'd like to ask you: Is it better for you now that the in-house separation is over? I bet it is better for your sitch because you have much less opportunities to get on WW's nerves. This is how a healing process begins.

i said she left me for him and that its still an affair whatever she claims. She said she left me because she was miserable and she was miserable because i was so awful to live with and be around.

Ouch. "Miserable" is also the word my WW used. I've been struggling with the same thought recently, as I imagine multiple scenarios (talk with FIL, R session with MC, heart-to-heart with WW) where I tell her that she left me for OM and she gets offended. This is what I want to believe because it makes me feel better but all sources, including DB, tell me that it's not the case. I'm reading this book about attraction and the author says that a woman happy in her M does not cheat. Ouch, again. And yes, she was miserable. It's terrible to realize that I've had such an impact on my current situation. Look who's miserable now.

Anyway it was confirmation that she and OM1 are now seeing each other in a much more established way and given the circumstances I seriously doubt its going to be a flash in pan relationship.

The right attitude is probably not to think about it, but I'm no better than you and I also think about it. My take right now is that a R is not possible without this kind of experience. OM1 is only human and soon they will face reality. She will get on his nerves, he will get snappy, they'll be tired sometimes, have conflict, etc. Your WW needs to experience these things to gain a little perspective on your M. What was jim0987? What was herself? What was just life? By the way, as for the duration of their R, keep in mind that there's a certain amount of pressure on any such A because it has to be perfect given what's sacrificed for it. Perhaps that's why they have higher rates of failure.

I'm not really trying to be overly optimistic. I want to cancel some of your pessimism and bring you in a healthier and more accurate place that's more neutral and aligned with what we know.

The certainty helps as I know its time to move on with my life. I still miss her and at some level will always love her but I also know i'm tired of her affecting my emotions and being so prominant in my thoughts.

I get that. Looking back at how much I've thought and talked about her in the last six months, I see a lot of time wasted. Well, some of it was unavoidable as I process my emotions, but I also see that it has little bearing on reality, so it's best to take my focus away.

I have wondered if she ever thinks about me and if so what but theres no way to know and it wouldnt help anyway

In fact, it seems that we get upset regardless of whether the thoughts are good or bad. For instance, I've realized that I don't want to know how my WW feels, regardless of whether she's happy or sad because both bother me.

So i'm now trying to shift my focus to moving on with my life and giving it all less thought (hence the reduced posting). Just need to work out what my new single life looks like and how i find meaning and purpose outside of my work and my kids.

This is no small task and we can get distracted and fail at this. If you look at my recent posts, I've taken to focus more on this because I feel I still need the help of DB to get there. I'm impressed with your GAL. It sounds like you're really putting yourself out there, doing new things. I wish I was as good. You sound like a guy I would love to have around and I'm sure this is going to shine in real life.

I've done a little research on this ceroc thing and saw a video with a demo. It looks fun, though I've never been very good at coordinating my moves with a partner. I also read the Wikipedia entry and noticed this nugget of info: "This is usually because Ceroc events have more female participants than male ones". So, yoga and ceroc, jim? Hm hm... ;-)

[Dawn70]

Hi Jim! Thanks for the well wishes on my post. Molly is adjusting to the new place pretty well. She will be even better once I get everything put away and settled, but she seems to be adjusting well enough since I am there and we have most of the furniture from our old house, so that is familiar to her.

As far as interior design plans, I have lots of plans, but it is a pretty small place, so we shall see how many plans actually come to fruition, but again, I greatly appreciate the well wishes and look forward to getting settled.

[jim0987]

Hi Mozza, just wanted to respond to some of the questions/points you bring up.

I think i'm doing better with the seperation in part because i can relax at home more and in part because it forces the acceptance of what is going on. Having her in the house, when she rolls in a 0300 having been out with him (and then denying it) or having the misrepresentation and anger in my face was pretty horrible to live with.

About that conversation with her about OM.

first of it was a mistake to have said anything. but it was also a defensive reaction to the fact she was still denying that OM had anything to do with her leaving (compounding my mistake). I know she was miserable (which i will expand on in a second) but she left because she wanted him and i think that explains a lot about why she shut down completely and refused to discuss anything. She still says he had nothing to do with it but i also know they were in bed together within a week of her telling me we were done and that she has pursued him quite solidly.

So about her misery. Yes she was miserable and she has been since D3 was born and maybe a bit before that. I knew she was miserable but i never really tried to talk to her about it or to understand why, I always assumed that she would talk to me when she felt ready to.

As time went on it all became harder and I sunk into my own form of depression due to a lack of affection which made it all harder but also made me much more defensive when she did say anything. equally when i said anything she just called me paranoid or would tell me something about how she doesnt like her body or she doesn have any friends - neither of which i could do anything about though in my own (and i now know ineffective) way I tried to be supportive.

So I've found myself wondering why when i knew she was miserable did i not say anything and i realise it was fear of rejection. I felt rejected but by speaking up i risked confirming that rejection and it becoming absolute, so i stayed quiet and just hoped it would get better on its own all the while the relationship deteriorated further.

As you can see that approach went well

yay me \o/ (very sarcastic tone)

So she was miserable, I wasnt hugely happy and we both blamed each other. this left her open to an affair. I have to take responsibility for what I did wrong (and i wrestle with this guilt massively) and equally what i didnt do, like speaking up and reading the books i've read since BD.

BUT none of that to my mind changes the fact that she left me for OM1 because she saw that she could be happier elsewhere. And it kills me to admit this but she's right - It would be really going some to be more miserable than she was with me.

But was i that awful to live with? I dont know, she certainly thinks so. I suspect its more i did some awful, much discussed in my threads, things some time ago and then reinforced this with a lack of care or proper reconcilliation. It meant that the small stuff that instead of being seen as just part of life became more ammunition to an ever growing pile of resentment.



But this is now all stuff im trying to work through with my IC so that i never repeat these mistakes and that i show any future partner (and there are some self confidence issues on this too) the right care and support so that both our needs get met.

As for my M, its done. maybe one day we might get back together but there is no paved and smooth its rocky and through hostile territory. I certainly arent going to put my life on hold for that possibility nor do i want to be plan B in case he doesnt work out.

And so i'm trying to make my work worthwhile and enhance my career, i want to be the best dad i can be on the days i have them. I want to fill the days i dont have them with friends and fun things to do that i enjoy but also make me rounded and more interesting and i want to get to the point where i can be free and easy in my conversation with W because i have stopped caring completely.


Its rubbish and i hate it but it is what it is and i'm d@mn well going to make the best of it.

[Sotto]

Hi Jim, nice to hear how you're getting along. It sounds as though you're doing pretty well. Good to focus on work, your kids and enjoying friends. Also sounds like you are getting there in terms of acceptance too.

I agree the 'thought space' one is difficult and I struggle with that. Externally, we're doing well - and I hope our minds will 'catch up' with us one day!

Thanks for your recent posts....I've found them really useful :-)

[Pink17]

Hi Jim,

It sounds that you are moving in the right direction for yourself. Regarding your sitch, I think you are grieving and it's not so done as you say.

It all happen very recent, your W is still digesting all the choices she has made and you have no idea if she is better now or if she struggles being miserable yet.

Sometimes, we feel miserable not only because of our partner. There are a very good reason to think it all went wrong because the other person didn't do this or that. No, that you are not in the picture, she may well starting to think she is the one to blame for her own misery.

I Know you are hurt, as many of us. Your feelings and behavior are pretty normal, but life can turn around and unless you have really decided to move on, then it is not done yet.

There is a lot to happen for you to have this kind of closure. Or it will be some kind of carry over to the next R in your life. You are sarcastic, so you may be passive aggressive, I know, I am too. I read between the lines all your aggression, your pride is hurt and you are mixing with your R.

Don't give up just yet. You can move forward and deal with your life the best way you can. But don't give up. Try everything until you say there is nothing else I can do, then it will be just easy to move on. You own this to yourself so you can move to another chapter with a healthy mindset.

Sorry if I misinterpreted your words, but I really think you are letting your pride to speak louder then your own life.

You are getting stronger doing DB, does your W seems to notice yet? Maybe she is in dream land and did not notice, keep it up and once she starting getting back to reality, then she will see who you became. And it will eventually happen.

Take care Jim
Pink

[Vanilla]

Jim

Look after Jim first and foremost as the father of two extra special bundles.

Find Jim and be strong, our wonderful Jim with his washing machine mind must not forget GAL.

V

[Pink17]

Jim,

How are you doing, don't be so down on yourself. R are complicated and if you read some of the success stories here you will find that many went through trouble times.

Give up only when you know you moved on. We all know how painful it is to wake up every day and face what we have now. But, at least we have one more day to think and try something else.

You are very smart, very capable of change. Eventually it will all hit the wall with your W. Nothing is permanent, and there is always a chance she will realize that many problems were not because of you, but because what she also have inside of her.

Try to distract yourself, do things to enjoy yourself even if it is simple things, force yourself to go out and see people.
Remember that life is also short.

I know you can do it, we all believe in you.

Love,
Pink

[gan]

Jim - how are things?

[jim0987]

Morning all.

Not much to update on my situation really,just posting to say that there's nothing wrong.

My GAL has been pretty good though had a quiet weekend without the kids. Mainly just sorted the house and did some exercise. Met up with mates a few times and went to a Meetup group which was fun.

Work is going well at the moment and I'm doing stuff which means on some days I barely think if my situation while im at work.

I've got a bit lazy on some of the domestic stuff, particularly bothering to cook for me so this needs to get better.

Still minimal contact with Wife (child handovers only really). I decided to go back to being friendly and light at these so said hello etc and attempt small talk (I mentioned the F1 GP was a good race), my wife wouldn't/couldn't engage on even this level. Oh well, it is what it is....

Could make D3s birthday party interesting though.

So I'm doing alright and am trying to sort a holiday for me and the kids. More immediately I have the kids for Easter and my family is coming to stay.

Have a good day all