Have you considered separation, instead of going straight for D?
I have and am considering it and all options. But she has said she wants a divorce and in the past has said she would want separation. I'm going to be doing some heavy thinking this week. Formulating my plan and putting it into action, this weekend was very difficult.
Last edited by phunguy; 03/16/1503:55 PM.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
I prefer none of this. I prefer we get counseling and work to over come the issues we have. That is not an option today because she refuses that option. So now I must choose S or D. I believe I want D. I'm not ready to accept this situation for some reason, probably because I see it as failure(my type A doesn't recognize failure as an option), though I know I must accept that we both failed. Something makes me think that with S there is still hope but I keep asking myself why I cannot drop the rope and set me free. It's causing me great anguish. Love stinks.
Last edited by phunguy; 03/17/1512:36 AM.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
FWIW, unless you are clear in your own mind that you truly want to move on, S might be best. Gives you both some time to process things without yet moving to D. Why D is it's not what you want?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I knew that's what you would say, but I was referring to your preference between S or D, b/c of your continuance to talk about what "she" wanted.
Am I that predictable? lol I mean look I get it, I am clinging to this hope in desperation, I know that she's done and I cannot force her to stay in this marriage, it makes me feel pathetic that I cannot just accept this. This morning I have told the attorney to proceed with D. I am not getting what I wanted but I suppose this is a tunnel with no cheese and I recognize it as such.
Last night really helped me make the decision. I told her that I was proceeding with D this week. That I would have the attorney draw up the paperwork and we could go file it. We discussed a number of things that we had already discussed. Parenting plan, splitting of the house and debts, no support, no alimony, who would retain decision making for the kids(me). She agreed to all of it.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Phun, don't file for divorce unless it is truly what you want and you truly feel you are done. If you don't feel that, and you don't want to live in an open marriage, why not S for now and give yourself some time.
It is still pretty early days for you guys you know....I think (however things turn out) it is best if we can look back and see that we did all we could to save our M's.
Last edited by Toots; 03/17/1508:38 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Phun, don't file for divorce unless it is truly what you want and you truly feel you are done. If you don't feel that, and you don't want to live in an open marriage, why not S for now and give yourself some time.
It is still pretty early days for you guys you know....I think (however things turn out) it is best if we can look back and see that we did all we could to save our M's.
I'm suppose this what Sandi is sort of asking me too. What am I doing for me in this sitch instead of what she wants? The answer is I don't know. I'm taking care of myself but lately I feel pressure from many places to do something including myself. I suppose I need to pray and think on this more.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Maybe it's a guy thing. Maybe it's a LBS thing, IDK. You've joined the ranks of those who feel the inner pressure to "do" something..........anything.........just do!
I have to wonder if it is part of the desperation mode the LBH feels and subconsciously he's still trying to pull the rabbit out of bag. "Well, that last trick didn't work, so let me try another one".
Do yourself a big favor and take time to think it through. Yes, I was saying to do what you really want, and not for any other reason. We know the bottom line is you want to have a good M with your W. You wouldn't have come here if you didn't want that option above any others. Don't let anyone, including yourself, push you into taking a direction you aren't ready to take. By all means, do not head straight for D b/c that's "what she wants".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Maybe it's a guy thing. Maybe it's a LBS thing, IDK. You've joined the ranks of those who feel the inner pressure to "do" something..........anything.........just do!
I have to wonder if it is part of the desperation mode the LBH feels and subconsciously he's still trying to pull the rabbit out of bag. "Well, that last trick didn't work, so let me try another one".
Do yourself a big favor and take time to think it through. Yes, I was saying to do what you really want, and not for any other reason. We know the bottom line is you want to have a good M with your W. You wouldn't have come here if you didn't want that option above any others. Don't let anyone, including yourself, push you into taking a direction you aren't ready to take. By all means, do not head straight for D b/c that's "what she wants".
Well we've already established I'm a bit slow to up-take, lol! So thanks for being patient, I did get here, on my own albeit eventually!!
Part of my problem or the biggest part, is me! I feel exactly like this, I must do something! I must do something now! I'm uncomfortable and don't know the outcome, don't see the progress I want, I'm impatient, and it makes me seek to change and to control that unknown or make a plan to conquer it. Sometimes I get angry with her and think, the hell with it why keep hurting? Why keep trying? I don't have a timeline or a plan to a desired resolution so it makes me think, do something! It's just how I'm wired I suppose. And yes, it may play into desperation, but I can only imagine how desperate I will be when the clock begins ticking after any legal paperwork is filed.
I do not want divorce or separation, I want to be married to my wife in a good and loving relationship. Why should I be so speedy to give her what she thinks she sees as the remedy to all of this? When I do not agree, I certainly never gave in on even trivial things in our relationship before! Why should I allow it? Guilt, is all I got. I feel guilty because of some of the things she has said. I'm an evil, bad guy, who has cause her pain and suffering, and I should give her what she wants? Of course everyone I know thinks I'm nuts that I've not already filed since I discovered the affair. Even my therapist has told me, this is not a likely outcome, that I should file and move on to begin healing. My mother told me last night that I'm mourning the death of my M and I have to grieve the loss. I was like thanks Mom for the support! geesh!
Now all that said, I don't want to sit around pining for her return! I'm not doing that in the slightest, I'm getting out, taking care of myself, doing all the things I need to do to get myself better. Maybe just maybe in some more time, I can be the man that she is attracted to again? Maybe she will change her mind as she has a ga-jillion times in our M(real number look it up!) .
Signed, Perplexed Phunguy
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Well tonight was about an hour of W initiated D conversation. She has informed me that she would like me to have an attorney draw up the paper work for us to file D together so that we could save the money of an expensive divorce and that she wants to do this amicably.
She also for some reason decided to tell me that she has been communicating with OM via text for the last week or so, she said she will not do it in front of me. I told her that to stay here she needed to end it. She said she does not intend to and wants to see where it goes. She is infatuated with OM who is married and from what she tells me is getting D from his wife. She informed me that she has a plan to move out on May 1 and she'd like to figure out how financially she can accomplish this. I told her she could do whatever she wanted that I will not help her in any way and that until the papers are filed she will be responsible for half of the expenses in the house.
Part of the D discussion the other night mainly revolved around kids and schedule etc. I requested that she give me full decision making, she has not fully decided to give me sole decision making for the children(in our state this is essentially full legal custody), out of fears that I will not take her needs into consideration but she knows that I will always put the kids first and take care of them. I explained to her that this is part of the deal I offer for her to walk away from our debt obligations. Otherwise we can lawyer up and go to battle. Which she knows will eat up any money we have.
Good lord I cannot take this!
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
I requested that she give me full decision making, she has not fully decided to give me sole decision making for the children(in our state this is essentially full legal custody), out of fears that I will not take her needs into consideration but she knows that I will always put the kids first and take care of them.
Is this b/c you are afraid she'll leave the state with the kids?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Is this b/c you are afraid she'll leave the state with the kids?
Not really but it's part of it, the other part is she is routinely unavailable for the children. For instance in this current school and soccer year I can count by on one hand the times she has been at practice or assisted our son with homework.
This is seperate from parenting time. She would still have 50% parenting time.
Last edited by phunguy; 03/18/1507:21 PM.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
I really don't know what else I can do at this point. I'm feeling a bit defeated as a result. ot seems that D is eminent and there isn't a dang thing I can do except accept it. It's time to get an attorney I suppose that as time goes on this idea of DIY will wear off on her unless I decide to jump in and rush it with her. I do nt like where I'm at today. Thank god I have some GAL activity tonight I couldn't imagine being in the house with her tonight.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
phunguy, I can relate to W not doing alot with the kids. I come home alot of times with homework needing to be done or something else with the kids. She hasn't shut them out completely, just different than it used to be. She does buy them stuff alot though. Not the same thing to me. It almost seems like she goes through ups and downs with it. Now her S from first marriage is staying with us. That is who she bonds with the most. It is weird!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Well the fun should start today. Since she decided to open a personal bank account last weekend, as of today she is cut off from my cash. She texted me this morning to call her, I presume she went to get gas and cigs or something before work or checked the bank to take out money for her night out tonight. I have not returned call yet and texted her back telling her I'm in a meeting. Not sure I even I want to talk to her. Because I already know what she is going to say... So I've prepared my response. Sorry honey, your cake is no longer delivered by me. No that's not it... but close.
"Well, you opened your own account on Saturday and changed your direct deposit. So it seemed like a good idea to me and I did the same. "
This ought to be one hell of a day. She claims to be going to dinner tonight with friend T. This AM getting ready for work, I told her to have a nice time on her date tonight. She claimed she was not seeing OM, I laughed and left for work.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Oh my!!! just talked to her and she is pissed! I explained to her that since she wanted separate bank accounts I went ahead and did the same. She said well I need money for some things and you spent my money last week, I explained to her that I did not that I paid joint bills, she said yeah your bills, with my money, I told her that was not true and she knows it. I told her that we were supposed to discuss this all week and she did not want to talk the last few days. She said well I am communicating with you and telling you things I will show you everything, you show me everything, I told her I didn't have to show her anything. Oh I see where this is going she says, I said well I guess I've a different opinion about that and laughed, she said oh I'm funny, you want to laugh, I said yes, because this is all highly ironic to me, you lecturing me about being honest and communicating. Well fine you laugh, you can't bother me anymore(in her most snooty and obviously bothered tone). I told her I would transfer money so she has some.
Well this may be first thing I've done to really cause her pain and she clearly did not like it one bit. I can't believe she actually thought I would continue to give her access to my money if I wasn't going to have access to hers. I suppose I've removed the first bit of cake from her mouth. Let the day be glorious! She no longer will eat from my plate, this cake is mine!
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Wife called me and talked about her day and out of the blue she said well I just want to thank you. I said why are you thanking me? She well I just realized how nice you've been to me(she's recognizing my anger 180 and PMA) it's like your not even the same Phunguy anymore, it's like I don't understand. What don't you understand I inquired. Why are you so nice? I told her that I realized my mistakes in letting my emotions run amok and that I've worked to understand and control them. She said she has been doing a lot of thinking and even though papers are being prepared she is still thinking that this is the hardest decision she's ever made. She can't believe that she has a good man who loves her very much VH and who is willing to work on forgiving her for her mistakes and yet she's still wanting a divorce. I validated her feelings and told her it's a very big decision and shouldn't be taken lightly and I understand her conflict. She said she admired my dedication to our M and knows she'll never find a man who loves her like me but wants me to find a woman who will love me they way I deserve to be loved. Which of course I know is code for " I'm still in love with OM"
My guess is that today hurt her a bit and reality is possibly beginning to set in. Next week should be interesting as the papers should be ready to be filed and everything will get real with expediency. Well I suppose my plan is to keep the light on and the road home smooth, I suppose I could be slightly deceitful and delay this all for a while.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
if you get bored dig up my thread from around 8/20/14-9/5/14. it might blow your mind.
im so unimpressed with a ww's rollercoaster emotions and temperature checks to try to remain in control and avoid consequences. i'd recommend detaching much, much more because unless your sitch is different than every other one i've read you'll need to truly move on before whatever happens in the years ahead happens. note i said years ahead, not weeks or months. take care of yourself please.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Be careful. Whenever she starts with the sugarcoating, she's setting you up. And I may be off base, but I don't agree with validating BS. Unless, you say things like, "hummm", "I see", "really". My theory is that the WW should know that you know she is full of it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Be careful. Whenever she starts with the sugarcoating, she's setting you up. And I may be off base, but I don't agree with validating BS. Unless, you say things like, "hummm", "I see", "really". My theory is that the WW should know that you know she is full of it.
Dead on as usual Sandi!!!
She knows I know she's full of it. Called her out for going out Friday night and lying to me that she was with her friend T when she wasn't she was at a different place with OM. She didn't have much to say then tried telling me many people were there from work, lol. I told her next time she does it her stuff will be in the front yard. Told her I'd had enough of the lies and deceit.
Tonight will be interesting my parents and her aunt and uncle will be at our S soccer game. going to be fun to watch her squirm in about an hour.
I'm still really struggling with moving forward with D. But I'm not sure how much longer I can live like this. Luckily I'm exercising and I'm sure this is close to the only thing keeping me sane right now.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
I've come to understand there's nothing left for me to do. Inspite of all my good qualities, she hates me. My heart is broke but my soul is not. She sat at dinner tonight and was stone cold. I've loved a woman who has been incapable of giving me what I gave her and in the course of those events I became very angry with her. She wants to be the victim so she can go on feeling the way she does. She does not believe she can ever be happy in a R with me. It's incredibly difficult as I look back long wreckage of this M. Listening to her cover everything to maintain her position of me as the failure. What the worst thing for me is I can see it all so clearly now it's amazing to me how I couldn't see anything for the last year or more. Ive learned a lot over these last few months. I've learned to believe in myself, to forgive myself, to not be so angry, and most of all I've learned that I've got two strong legs and sometimes wings to fly. I'm not wasting no more time in this head space. I'm moving her out. I've been cheated and I've been lied to, I feel like I've been betrayed, deeply betrayed. It is going to be sometime before I'm fully over her but as of tonight I'm done for real 💔.
So I started these threads because one of my favorite bands has a song called Devotion to A Dream but I never really paid attention to all the lyrics truly meant. Over the last few weeks this song has come to show me what it all means. I hope it may help some of you.
no more promises that no one could keep no more lies to keep us from sleep no more phone calls when you don't say what you mean I've got faith in a fairytale, devotion to a dream
it's today the vows are broken it's today the charade is over it's today the curtain's coming down
now the battle-lines are chosen it's today my eyes are open it's today the time to turn around
no more knowing glances or places we can hide no more chances to keep this thing alive the two of us together it wasn't in the grand scheme all it was was a fairytale and devotion to a dream devotion to a dream
no more promises no more keeping score no more wondering what I stay here for we broke the awkward silence with polite and practiced lies while images occupied our minds
an uneventful voyage that stranded us upstream all it was was a fairytale and devotion to a dream devotion to a dream
yesterday my path was chosen yesterday my smile was frozen yesterday my doors were closing down
tomorrow I can cross the border it's today a new world-order yesterday my will was broken down
I'll ignore where this is leading tomorrow glaciers are receding now I'm mending things I broke inside
I'm completing thoughts unspoken now I see that webs were woven now I keep the windows open wide
it's today..."
Meeting with attny tomorrow to review some papers. I presume I'll file in the next week or so. I'll keep coming by to check in. I can't thank you all enough. It seems I found this place too late. Thank you all for caring.
Sandi, I cannot thank you enough. I wish I could express to you what your posts have meant to me. In some of the darkest days of my life, you a stranger have helped more than anyone has helped me in my life for a long time. I will be eternally grateful for your straight talking kindness. I don't know what the future holds but I know that I am capable of good and great things and I intend to focus on being that for myself and my children. I have that courage now partly because of you. Thank you.
All of my sincerest respect, Phunguy
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Your kind words have really touched my heart. I just wished I could have helped you in saving the M. I believe you are saving yourself. I have watched you handle yourself with manliness and dignity.
Yes, it is terribly sad To see the death of a M. You will need to mourn. You are going to have a good life. And who knows what may around the corner? Take your time. Let your wounds heal. I am so sorry.
Yes, please let us hear from you. ((Phunguy))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well today the paperwork was completed. I didn't have the heart to go over them with her today it was the last day her aunt and uncle were in town and were here for dinner. I can't even explain the events. Her uncle took her for a walk, he's a pastor. We said nothing and they left our home with big hugs and I don't think I've ever gotten a bigger one from him, heck after 20 years it's like he's my uncle and she my aunt, I love them both dearly two of the kindest people I know. He told me to call him and I will. It seems like each passing day is harder and harder yet, tonight after they left she was visibly upset, I asked her if she wanted to talk she said no lost it tears and some things about hardest decision and then followed it up with going to put a deposit on an apartment. I'm not sure which hurts more hearing that and watching it or not being able to cry any more, I'm becoming immune to her emotions and that's a bit scary to me. Before it would have sent me into a spin yet somehow I feel like I'm doing the right things and I sort of feel good about what I did today, how F'd is that???
Last edited by phunguy; 03/24/1505:01 AM.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Still in paperwork limbo and I'm not sure I can do this. I am debating just delaying everything, stalling, maybe waiting for her to move out and experience some loss? Since I seem to hold all the cards in the filing, I might as well play them when I see fit. Right?
I cannot create space or give her loss as long as she's in the house. I've also come to the conclusion that maybe all hope is lost. My IC seems to think I'm looking for crumbs to cling to for hope. It dopes seem an apt description. I've let her go, but she's not gone, does that make any sense?
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Last night she came home claws out, accusing me of trying to turn S8 against her. I calmly explained to her the problems she is having with S8 are not my doing and that I have done no such thing. Further that if she would communicate with me we would not be having any issues with S8 but instead she has continued just as she did before no communication, keeping everything in, and building resentments. I explained to her that this is the same reason our MR has gotten so difficult. That is to say, it how she chooses to handle her feelings that causes us difficulty.
I am dreading tonight and have a potential plan to just get out of the house for the entire weekend and possibly longer. I'm so hurt and torn by her, I wonder if complete detachment removing myself might snap her out of it. Since she will not leave I'm beginning to wonder if I should????
Woooooo!!!!!!!! ROLLER COASTER!!!!!!!!!
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Last night she came home claws out, accusing me of trying to turn S8 against her.
Mine has done the same. I looked her straight in the eye and replied as calmly as I could asking "why would I do that? Our son needs his mother." Then I left the room.
Not sure if this helps or not. But it worked at least once for me.
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
I'm sorry Phunguy. Some of the things humans do to each other would be unforgivable if it weren't for the fact that holding on to it only hurts us.
What I can say is two things. One, YOUR half of the M wasn't a lie. And two, there are people you can trust in this world.
You are right to grieve the loss of the M you thought you had, and NOTHING will ever replace it. Know that we are here for you and are sending you much goodwill right now. Be strong and lead your children. Take care of yourself like she should have.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I'm very, very sorry to hear. I can't imagine what it must feel like to hear such a thing. How are you holding on?
I'm crushed, out walking around the neighborhood. 20 years I've been dedicated to her. She says there were periods of years where she tried really hard to be faithful but she always strayed at some point. She will not give me any more detail than that and I'm not sure I wanted to hear anymore. I don't. I can't stand to look at her anymore so I left for a walk.
Last edited by phunguy; 03/29/1503:55 AM.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Phun, I'm so very sorry to hear that. As others have said, that must have been very hard to hear. People say that finding out about things like this really pull the rug out from under you and undermine times in your R when you felt happy - violates your memories.
On the plus side (and I appreciate this may not feel in any way a plus) your W has been more honest with you, and isn't continuing with the deception that was. But I can see that multiple affairs over a period of years is a big concern. In a book I read recently, the WS in this kind of scenario was called 'Don Juan - or Don Juanita' - someone who 'needs' something outside of M to affirm them.
They are described as superficially confident, but with low self esteem. They want to escape from unpleasant feelings and use sex and the thrill of the chase to do this. They often have a distorted picture of how their behaviour affects others. Usually there has been some trauma (often sexual abuse for women) that leads to this behaviour.
Breaking this cycle is particularly difficult and requires the WS to recognise the impact of the behaviour and deal with the underlying issues. Much like another WS, but more complex and difficult to do for them.
The main thing right now is to look after yourself and process the information. Start to deal with the new trauma and move forwards from there. Protect yourself and your kids. Only you can decide what you want to do and how you need to move forwards. Keep posting Phun. This is horrible, and you will get through it - but it will take time.
(((Phun)))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I walked around for a few hours last night. My brain is fried. I can never look at her the same. She told me I had been correct to be suspicious of her all these years and even though I tried to keep her on a short leash my efforts were fruitless. And that I am correct she is never able to find happiness within herself(for years I told her that happiness comes from the self because she always seemed to seek happiness from the exterior) that she cannot define what happiness is for her. She knows she needs help she told me she is afraid to get help. She said men are always coming after her that they are dogs and I am the one man she ever felt close to and loved. That for her sex is power and confidence and she needs that feeling.
She apologized for being a horrible person that she's worse than she would ever want me to know. She never deserved me or my love. That I was always the ideal she hoped to live up to. That my morals and ethics were unfound in her life and she knew that I was the best man to have children and a marriage with because she also needed that. She said the thing that made her feel the need to confess was that I said we would not be friends, I told her a few weeks ago, I did not sign up to be her friend that I signed up to be her husband. She said that had hit her hard because she had always seen me as her best friend. I told her things would never be the same and that she could try to earn my friendship in the future but she knows the rigorous standards I have to be considered a true friend. I am a great friend and have many friends that are close to me since childhood. I beleive in nothing, my life has not been what it seemed.
Thank god I have a major GAL activity today and I will not be any where near the house. I don't know about anything any more.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
At least she is being honest with herself and with you. Even though the news is grim, the light is that she acknowledged the truth. That is a step in the rift direction as painful as that might be.
Know that you have many supporters on the board. I am one of them.
Also know that you have done nothing wrong. Try to be strong for both you and her.
Well I can't sleep tonight, tomorrow I file. I still cannot believe this is what's its all come to. I'm about to be a divorced man. Single, alone for the first time in 20 years. It's kinda surreal. Much of my adult life and who I am has been tied to my marriage. I've learned that a lot of it was lies that she was never in it for more than certain periods of time. The whole series of affairs disgusts me and though I think so much less of her I can't believe I still love her, I suppose I always will in some regard.
Meetings with my therapist have helped a lot to work through my feelings of guilt because she really messed my head up as this all came to an end. I really thought it was all my fault. I went to a dark place in Jan. Where I am today is a 180 for me! I've learned while I made mistakes as we all do it is her behavior that was the most influential part in mine. She was never open emotionally to me. She was never there for me, never a partner, she was closed off to me for most of our marriage and most of my reactions were to being alone in all of it. The physical fighting early on and the verbal abuse all came from her. I had never done any of those things prior to being with her. I learned how she liked to fight and learned to beat her to it. I learned that is how she grew up, in a completely disfunctional environment, filled with hatred and disdain and much of it directed at her. I never was exposed to that. My parents are married for 45 yrs. and I had a great childhood. I learned these bad behaviors to compete with her early on, to the point that I became angry with her. Eventually that anger and disappointment became too much, and led to always feeling she would leave or cheat, it ate at me for most of our M. And as much as she told me she didn't She already had many times. She has hid so much from me I'm fairly certain I'll never be able to look at my M in any other way than what it was, a big lie. She used me to further her own needs, to facilitate her sickness. I hope she gets help, she admitted that she needs help to me this past weekend and doesn't know what's wrong with herself. Says she can't stop and has tried and failed repeatedly. I hope she finds happiness. I hope one day I can forgive her for what she has done. I hope she can forgive herself.
So onward I march into the unknown. I never pictured it this way, but I'm no clairvoyant. I've also learned it isn't me, I'm not in control of anything I do what I can and leave the rest up to the world and God. I have got two strong legs and occasionally I have wings to fly. I hope to dust of these wings soon and soar!
Last edited by phunguy; 04/03/1506:11 AM.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
You are in my thoughts phunguy. I am in no position to give advice. It does sound like you are thinking clear. I also have been thinking back on my marriage. In times like these it is hard to remember the good times. This whole process is tough to deal with, but I believe we are coming out as better men and will be better husbands next go round. You are in my prayers.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Thanks bro, you be tough! I know it's painful. But we don't deserve to be treated this way.
I filed with her at the courthouse Friday before work. I've been numb ever since. W is nothing but claws and hate. I have to deal with her until she gets an apartment. It's so messed up, listening to her talk today, I can't believe she is in a good place and am worried for her. I told her that I am still not n shock and hoped that Friday might shake her out of it. Nope out all night getting drunk and God knows what else didn't come home till roughly noon today. I couldn't contain myself and ripped into her a bit and told her I was sick of her behavior and she's not 21 anymore to grow up! This was not her crash pad this is my home and not a flop house if she keeps doing it I will kick her out. I told her to remove the rest of her things from my master bedroom. She's working on that this evening. I'm done. I can't barely look at her without being angry. I have to work on this harder now. She has 20 days to file a response after that I get everything I want. She basically gave up on fighting for anything including her children and agreed to give me full custody as long as I allowed her 50/50 time. Now it's a matter of time. I know now that no matter what happens to me I can be strong. I can take care of myself and I can take care of my kids. Maybe some day I'll meet a nice woman and fall in love again but for now I'm focusing on me and healing this broken heart.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Oh my things are getting hairy. She's claws out everyday, I'm doing everything I can to be cool. Today she went through a bunch of stuff and boxes it up without speaking to me about it. When I asked her about it and how she went about it she flipped out, yelling and screaming. I walked away and went o my room then she sent me a bunch of texts. The next few weeks until she leaves is going to be hell.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
She's moving out Friday. It's all so surreal. I cannot believe what has happened to my life since January. Everything is gone, 13 years of marriage and 7 before that it's like it means nothing to her. She doesn't care who she's hurting, or how selfish this is, she's on a mission to find whatever it is she's looking for which she admits she doesn't know. I sometimes hope I'm going to wake up from this nightmare. But I've been waking up for months now in the same horrible situation. I keep trudging on and everything is continuing to fall apart, I could never do what she's doing, I'd never forgive myself. Just when I think I'm ok, I'm here, and I guess it's where I'm suppose to be.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
What you just wrote above, is this something that your W could have written just before BD? Could it be her perspective on your contribution to the M dynamics for instance? She was hurt, you appeared selfish, she wishes she could wake up from this nightmare?
I don't know, but I'm asking because it would apply to my sitch. My W was unhappy before leaving and I contributed to it. I was selfish and did not hear her calls for help. Her leaving is a step too far, but she had to reach a breaking point to make that radical decision and we shouldn't blame it all on some blown fuse when they take action to improve their lot.
By the way, can you remind us where you stand? You seemed to be under shock, but in agreement that she had to go after admitted to the many As. Now you seem upset that she's leaving. I'm really just checking.
Her moving out is actually good news for you. You'll see it around these boards. Things improve dramatically when LBS aren't confronted with the daily behavior of their WAS. Less stress, less material to analyze, more time to reflect on both sides. Let's look forward to it, for your own sake.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Divorce filed 4/3. She's done unwilling to do anything to save it. Me I'm a fool. A helpless fool. She doesn't believe people change and I suppose I gave her every reason to believe that. Though I feel vastly different and have made many changes.
I suppose those could have been her words. But since then so much has come to light. I've tried and she refuses to change her mind. I stopped asking a while ago. Tried to be a good man, forgive her, now I'm just broken.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Yes. D is about the worst thing in the universe. I am sorry you this was slated for you. Truly, truly sorry.
I just posted on Pyrite's thread. Can you read that? It says some of what I want to tell you.
Even after D is final there will still be a lot of denial, a lot of thoughts about "this is so bad surely we have to stop this charade", and a long, long road of feeling that way. Again...I am sorry.
Now that we've acknowledged that and let you sit with it...can you tell us what you're going to do over the next 30 days for YOU?
Please hang in and keep posting. You're not done on DB yet.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I'm very sorry about all that, phunguy. I can relate to feeling broken. I even use that word for myself sometimes, although it's often through tears and telling my self "I won't be broken by this/you" and just fighting it like a soldier on D-Day. Maybe seeing this as a challenge, an opportunity to show your strength could help you. I know it does for me sometimes, as I refuse to be seen as weak or broken.
I went to a session on mediation tonight and the mediator mentioned how some people change through D. Your WW doesn't see it now, none of them do, it takes them months or years. Don't expect her to see it now, nor should you lose hope that she will.
What I'm still curious about is your reaction to the multiple As. Have you accepted them? Would you R despite them? I seem to recall that when she confessed to them, you were under shock and thought that you couldn't be with her. But now you seem to heop that she will see your changes and R. Which one is it? Or both? By the way, I'm not judging either way, just make sure we know where you stand. My WW cheated twice on me and yet I still want to R, despite my better judgement.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
It's really hard some days. Today is a hard one. Some days I can rally a positive attitude and be strong see good and be the 180 machine I am! Others like today I'm self loathing and not happy.
I've not been able to exercise lately cause I hurt my knee, tire blew out on my mtn bike I crashed pretty good and am going for X-ray tomorrow. Hopefully it's not broke or really hurt.
I go back and forth in this grief, I want to and have forgiven her to some degree just for my own sanity it was eating me alive. I want to R but she doesn't. So here I am looking at D and some days it's what I want and others I just want to not believe it. It seems silly when I think about it but the mind is powerful in protecting the self from pain.
I'll go read that thread Zues.
Thanks guys sometimes just writing this stuff out is all I need to deal with my over analytic brain.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
hey, thought i'd return the visit. I am sus right now that my W is in the midst of concurrent As. but that is just speculation. i dont want to waste time on seriously considering how i would sit with that. I have made it clear to a few close friends that i would be willing to consider reconciling even after knowing about the 1 A.
Sometimes I think.... Nah, it just aint worth it. There were things that we could trivially work on - and if we had've done that a year ago we would probably be M still today. But who knows, this might have come up again down the track.
Given what I have learnt about me, AND that I would almost certainly NOT have learnt these things unless this happened - there is a good chance it would have. Then again, there are some things that are just a part of who she WAS, at least who she was with me. I suspect she was never in love with me the way I was with her. And that is not something that we can work on. So maybe it is for the best just to let her go, as much as it hurts.
Recently, as a result of other people clicking that I am still open to saving the M, I have thought about what reconciliation would really entail. Day to day. Also reading Sandi's advice on what the H SHOULD demand as conditions. I really can't see her doing a 180 of this magnitude to LET me back into her life. I mean this person who resents the hell out of me, has no respect for me, is going to do this. On top of my gut feeling that she never really loved me passionately, head-over-heels, like a lover, etc.
I took care of her. She needed that and when it first came up a few years into our relationship, thats when I put the reigns on her. I kept doing more and more to take care of her, expecting her to do her part, and return my love. Then it became clear and open that I wasn't a priority for her in this regard and I flipped. I started demanding that she respond the way I wanted, and when she didn't I got angry, or rather resented her for it.
This continued for a few years, and honestly I treated her like s**t. She tried a few things to save us, but I was too far gone, and without a BOMB being dropped on my head, I was not about to wake up. Well, here we are!
This was the way things played out. I wish I had've responded differently than I did. That is one of the things I can work on now. I wish she had've done things differently too. But I couldn't fix that then, and I sure as hell cant fix it now. It kills me that my kids will most likely have to live with D. But again, I can't fix that. I can't control that. Neither can she. Only the two of us can try. The best I can do, and you, and everyone else here I suspect is to learn and grow into the best people we can be, that respond and communicate well and hopefully avoid this pain ever again.
The next R may even be with my STBX. That would be great in so many ways. But in any future R, or even on my own - there is no other smart way forward. I'm surprised I haven't read it on here as it is a common "mantra"-
God grant me the courage to change the things I can, the patience to endure the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Pyrite, you and I have many similarities to our stiches. And I am and was right there with you on the bomb it was a wake up call as I just went about doing everything for her and our M. I agree on the R thing, I want to move on and I want to R but I have to tell you on a day like today when I'm feeling better and controlling my emotions and staying positive, it doesn't look attractive to me in least!
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
I mean look I get it, I am clinging to this hope in desperation, I know that she's done and I cannot force her to stay in this marriage, it makes me feel pathetic that I cannot just accept this. This morning I have told the attorney to proceed with D. I am not getting what I wanted but I suppose this is a tunnel with no cheese and I recognize it as such. 