I find it odd, as the day/evening progresses Tabby seems to become a little "warmer" (not HUGE change, more like iceberg to ice cube), and yet when she gets up, she's like ice. Wonder if the nights give her time to think, once the kids are in bed, and as she gets ready for bed a few hrs later? Tosses around a bit more in bed. Last night, I get the "whatchya doin?" in a nice tone. {She was feeling sick and said not to worry about making her anything for dinner, just the kids}... When she asked, I was making her dinner...I know Tabby, if I cook, she'll eat, and I like being creative in the kitchen. Felt good too, she ate everything enthusiastically. If I read in bed off of my cell (5 Love Languages, or some other helpful site) she'll be friendly with "whatchya reading?" Well, backslid last night. I went to bed, she came up 5 mins later. What does this idiot do? Rolls over to face her and cuddle. She stopped me as I was about to put an arm around her. What an idiot! Every one of you guys say "stop being affectionate. And I didn't listen, again. Guess that warming feeling I have from her at times makes me 'think' it's okay. And, trying to speak in her love languages (affection and quality time) is difficult when there aren't any ways to express them without being in her face. (I want to spend time with her, but if I'm in the same room watching TV, ect. it feels like I'm just putting myself (her issue) in front of her. So I can stay out of the room and avoid being around her (which is/was a major complaint of hers regarding our R) or I can be next to her on the couch, possible irritating her even more. GAL is going well, picking my motorcycle up today from storage, which will allow me to branch out to different activities/places/trips...but stuck on "how to be" (other than happy and content) in the house. Sorry, rambling. Just frustrated. Can take some solace in the fact it's been 40+ hours of no fighting. Have noticed she's been snarky with some of her comments; and man, her snarky cold attitude almost made me lash out. Let it roll like water off a ducks back. (Thumbs up!) Have a quick question. I've been reading posts all over the place. I've seen that there will be "tests" that I should expect. Could someone explain more of what is meant? It's been 6 weeks since BDay, so our sitch is relatively new. After last night, I will not be affectionate any more, and I've already made the decision to stop arguing and telling her she has to go. The testing though, I'm interested in...as it may shed some insight as to how my attempts to detach are being perceived. Geez, second question. Tonight I will go to bed, and do nothing, whereas I've tried a couple times in the last week to be affectionate (last night, night before). Does that little stopping of an action REALLY say something to her especially if its something consistent? Thanks folks.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Man, Cadet...I don't even know if she's "reeling me in." Maybe I'm just reading too much into how she says things, her tone. Like just an hour ago. I've been trying to get my motorcycle running all day, I connected the battery wrong, blew some fuzes...I'm completely helpless when it comes to mechanical stuff. I walk in at 430 this pm, and she comes down to the basement, arms crossed, asking if I'll be making supper tonight. (She's had 2 daycare kids all day, and my two, have been playing in the basement all day- not like she could't have). So, I say yes, I will be. She asks 'when', because "her and the boys have something to do later". Her and the boys, no 'me' in there. So, I look at the time, and explain that since its supper time, I'll start in about 5 mins. As she heads up the stairs (I said something stupid) I say "It would've been really nice if you would've asked if I'd like to come. She stops, says, "well you can, I didnt think you'd be interested in going to a toy store" and, well, the library, post office, shopping. Piss me off. So, I made supper. I usually make something "different" for her if I can, as I love cooking, and my kids don't like to try different things yet. I made some crappy thin pork chops, put dinner together for the kids, and decided - she can fix her own plate if she's bloody hungry. I was planning on making something special for her tonight, something new-have a huge thick chop, and was going to make a honey maple sauce with carmelized onions on it, to go with a salad I was going to make after I ran to the store, but I though F' it. Why bother. She may come down to ask me if I'd like to go, but at this point, F' it, I already felt like crap because I was excluded and not considered.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Was right. She came down to the basement as I was changing over the laundry "Do you want to come?". I said no thank-you. Mentioned that I was told "her and the kids had stuff to do.." and that it was obvious I wasn't considered. She mentioned, as I expected, she didn't think I'd want to go. I reminded her that a week ago, she was told that I'd like to spend as much time with her and the kids as possible (as it was a MAJOR problem regarding her thoughts of the marriage). Told her I would find something else to do, that I'd finish the laundry.
Thanks for that thread, Cadet. Been reading it. I won't be making any "special" suppers for her. Usually, I make up 3 plates, 1 for her, 2 for the kids. I won't be making that third plate any more.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
You don't want to be licking her boots, but you don't want to be a jerk, either. That will just reinforce her notion that she's right to leave you. You're not trying to punish her, but you're not fawning either.
You are going to be the Mac you need to be for you and the kids, and she will either join you or not. Her choice, but either way, you are going to be the Mac you need to be. (It's not about HER.)
You're right Zew. I'm trying so hard not to be a jerk, but its difficult in the house when she either has a blank look on her face, or goes about her day without saying anything, or even looking in my direction. Like I disgust her. She's SO very different now.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Hey Starsk...nah, no implications. Getting stressed. Had a chat with my shrink mom today. I realized I could look at the last time my wife and I separated 4years ago, from a different perspective I find OM was contacted 'try' to deal with my emotions about it, after a few months, realize I can't get over the hurt, we separate she goes with kids to her mom's. I have EA with woman from work while separated, GAL, carry on. Wife notices changes, comes to visit more frequently (3hr trip, always stayed at my place for longer durations), we 'fall in love again' and move family back together as 1 unit. This time, again, wife contacts same OM, wants to go with kids to moms house, wants me to get place in previous city, so I can see kids. (Knows I can't drive there, (diff laws), have no car), would have to drive to my place, possibly stay over, ect. She's been offered money now to go get a place, she said no. She doesn't mention divorce, instead mentions separation ("we could just be separated the rest of our lives, and never get a divorce"). Ma opened my eyes to how now, just like before, she couldn't be "done" as it affects her comfort. Everything has been easy for her she's not had to do legwork. Separate? Of course...it means ole' Mac will be there when things get hard, or when she has emotional/ physical needs to be met, but, divorce, no...that sounds like "the end", and affects that comfort level. Ma believes this: That all of you here are right. When I came on here to express what has happened with some of my GAL (accused of being with someone, never loving her, only here for the kids) I was confused by her reactions, but, the thought of a possible 'someone else' upset her which makes no sense to me when she wants to be 'free'. It affected her comfort level. What did I do? Explained everything to her, 'proved' I was out alone, dancing, going to movies, ect, but all alone. I took away the 'little mystery', which was an asset. She's 'comfortable again..Mac was still at the end of her string. What I was doing was working and I pissed away. Gotta do what works.
Yesterday, I was in my spandex suit. I only wear it if I'm planning on putting on leather racing suit and riding my R1 which is in storage. She sees me in the spandex, and asks if I'm planning on bringing. The bike right home, or if I plan on going for a long ride I'd talked about. I ask What long ride? She mentions a trip to Windsor. It didn't click in till a few hours later (you'll see what I mean in a minute).
She mentioned going out with the kids last night to get a gift for a birthday party my kids went to today. So, I think "oh, that's y she wanted to know if I was going for a long ride, she was going to be going out....then it hits me. I didn't tell her about a long trip to ANYWHERE. I said it to my mother last week when I was on the phone in the basement behind closed door. Tabby listened to my conversation, and she couldn't have heard anything from upstairs, so...she had to sneak downstairs and listen from the other side of the door. She also planned on taking the kids with her last night to pick up the gift...meaning, it didn't MATTER, if I was going anywhere or not, it wouldn't affect any plans she had. She wanted to know where I was going, without having to ask (cuz heck, she's emotionally distanced from me right?). Sneaky! It's something uncomfortable, my R1. I don't have a vehicle I drive regularly, but that bike? Oh its freedom. Its excitement. It means I can come and go anywhere. It opens SO many doors for GAL, I can go anywhere, do anything. That very conversation she listened to also included me telling my mom I can 'meet a lot more people..I could go on trips with different recreational bike clubs,men aaand women-tabby would've heard that too. Just find interesting in my sitch after I read about others, and return to my own with a different perspective!
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Sure, she doesn't want to get rid of the safety net. You knew that already.
And you can notice all those things -- that she's spying, noticing, wondering, planning, etc., but that will be a roller coaster ride you don't want to be on.
I cannot emphasize this enough - for you, it's not about her, Mac. Any time you spend wondering what she's doing, feeling, thinking is time forever lost, spent miserably.
Put your time to better use. Figure out what Mac should change about Mac. Figure out what Mac wants and how Mac wants to live. Then get Mac working toward those goals. That is time spent productively, and quite enjoyably.
