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Joe46 #2550445 03/24/15 01:50 AM
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Joe

Good list.

I would like you to take each item and see what the reverse might be. So instead of putting it in the past tense, I did, I needed to. Try putting it as an action for now today and add something positive to it for example:

I can share the tools, tv remote, truck with W willingly.

If W looks beautiful I will say you look beautiful today, your dress suits you.

Etc.

After this you and I can examine your list and see which items fit Sandi 37 guidelines and which may need to (temporarily) put into storage. It would be good though to identify some things you can do easily as 180s.

I do this exercise too.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2550582 03/24/15 03:31 PM
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Thank You V smile

Okay here it goes,

When W puts in long hours I can say "You are such a hard worker and do a great job at helping provide for the family."

When W doesn't get certain things done during the day, I will not make a big deal about it. I can also make phone calls. I can also thank her when she does get things done and so more appreciation.

When we get in major arguments, I will not say things that hurt W and not say things to control the argument. When things get heated, I will take a time out.

When wife is not in the mood I can say "I know you are not in the mood right now, would you like to just cuddle for awhile?"

When we go to bed and W wants to cuddle I will say "I like it when you sleep next to me."

When I walk in the house after work I will ask W " So how was your day? Anything exciting happen?"

I can willingly share my truck, tools, TV and everything with W.

When we have problems with the kids, I can take responsibility also and support W through the problems.

I will tell W that I love her more often, hug her more often, hold her hand and cuddle with her.

When W looks beautiful, I will tell her she looks beautiful and tell her that she looks nice in that outfit.

I will tell W how much I appreciate her. I will listen when she is upset and acknowledge her feelings without trying to fix the situation. I will tell W that I love her just the way she is. I will allow W to be who she is not who I think she should be.

How was that? I can see how this will help change my thinking.


Me:44
EXW 44
Wonderful Children
M11, T14
BD 6/14
OM Confirmed
Divorce Final 2/25/16
"It works if you work it!"

Joe46 #2550595 03/24/15 04:24 PM
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Originally Posted By: Joe406
Okay.

I wanted my wife to have a job and make some money, but always complained about her working all the time.

I would get angry when she did not get things taken care of during the day( phone calls to mortgage company, health insurance, etc) and the first thing out of my mouth when I walked in was what she found out or did she call. When she forgot, I told her she needed to start writing things down and get it done.

When we got in major fights, I would yell and tell her if she didn't like it she can get the heck out! This I did change. But I did this alot in our early years together.

I never said anything positive to her. I complained alot that she wasn't doing enough.

If I didn't get sex when I wanted it, I complained.

When she wanted to sleep next to me, I said I needed my space. I wish like crazy I could take that one back.

When I walked in the door, I should have hugged her and asked about her day and really listened with eye contact.

I should have shared my things with her. Truck, remote to the TV, tools, everything.

When we had problems with the kids I should not have blamed her. Especially my stepkids. I chose to be their father. I knew what I was getting into. Luckily I think I did more good for the kids than bad. But I have seen my oldest stepson act similar to my old ways.

I should have told her I loved her more often and showed it. More hugs, holding her hand in public, cuddling without expecting sex.

I never insulted her appearance, but I did not tell her how beautiful she was.

I needed to be more supportive in everything she did. I needed to listen more instead of trying to fix everything. I needed to let her be herself, not who I thought she should be. Or act the way I thought she should act.



Joe this list is identical to what I did to get in my situation. The advantage you have over me is you are still in your house. I am out and D has been filed. I never realized at the time I was hurting her so much when doing those things. But now I realized I lost the most important person in the world to me over it.

I was even the gift of time for 5 months still living together and all I did was pressure her to stay with me. So the second she left she was so relieved that she can't even think of going back into that situation with me.


Me: 36
W: 36
D: 14
T: 18 (05/1997)
M: 16 (05/1999)
BD: 7/23/15
Separation 01/2015
D mentioned and started 02/2015
D filed 3/2015
OM confirmed 3/30/15
errod #2550611 03/24/15 05:07 PM
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I'm so sorry errod. I too was pressuring her to work on our marriage up until about 3 months ago. We have still had our arguments. But they have changed alot from how they were. I basically leave her alone right now. I don't bring up any R stuff. We only talk about the kids. I do my thing and she does hers. I am REALLY glad I am learning these things about myself. I am so thankful for this forum and the people calling me out on myself. No matter what happens in the future, I want to be a better man, husband and father. All of this is helping me. And especially God, Sandi and V! smile


Me:44
EXW 44
Wonderful Children
M11, T14
BD 6/14
OM Confirmed
Divorce Final 2/25/16
"It works if you work it!"

Joe46 #2550613 03/24/15 05:12 PM
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I made a couple of posts months ago when my situation first started but I did not get much feedback, so I left the board. I have since comeback but I let things get to out of control before coming back. I am beaten and battered but I am not giving up on my marriage. When I said until death do us part. I meant every word of that.

I do think you Joe can still save your marriage if you listen to the advice given. Once you are living under separate roofs everything changes really quickly.


Me: 36
W: 36
D: 14
T: 18 (05/1997)
M: 16 (05/1999)
BD: 7/23/15
Separation 01/2015
D mentioned and started 02/2015
D filed 3/2015
OM confirmed 3/30/15
errod #2550625 03/24/15 05:59 PM
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I started out reading a bunch of posts on here back in November and December. But I never signed up. I was afraid I was going to get booted like the last place I went to for help after I told about my wife's work and my issue with it.

I am really listening to the advice here. No matter what happens. I know I will come out a better person whether my marriage is saved or not. That is MY goal for ME! I appreciate your post and I will keep you in my prayers. When I think back, I think I always wanted to change, but never knew where to start. And I was in denial alot.

Last edited by Joe406; 03/24/15 06:00 PM.

Me:44
EXW 44
Wonderful Children
M11, T14
BD 6/14
OM Confirmed
Divorce Final 2/25/16
"It works if you work it!"

Joe46 #2550639 03/24/15 06:54 PM
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Joe, I don't want to interfere with the work Vanilla is doing with you. I was hoping she would get back and respond to your list of positive actions, and she will. I guess I get nervous you will do something without waiting. The only thing I want to point out was the one about her work/job.

Quote:
When W puts in long hours I can say "You are such a hard worker and do a great job at helping provide for the family."


Perhaps you were not referring to the present job she is doing that is your point of contention, IDK. Maybe you are just practicing for the future? smile

I'm sure V will help you greatly in these areas. She is gifted with positive thinking & talking.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2550646 03/24/15 07:08 PM
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Thank you Sandi smile

Yes I am waiting very patiently. I really want to work on these things. So I am very grateful for your help and V.

Yes I was practicing for the future. I absolutely was not referring to her present job. Thank you Sandi! smile


Me:44
EXW 44
Wonderful Children
M11, T14
BD 6/14
OM Confirmed
Divorce Final 2/25/16
"It works if you work it!"

Joe46 #2550722 03/24/15 11:56 PM
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Originally Posted By: Joe406
Thank You V smile

Okay here it goes,

When W puts in long hours I can say "You are such a hard worker and do a great job at helping provide for the family."

Validating is good Joe, but we validate the things we want repeated in our lives or that are positive or to acknowledge. In essence since you want W to stop her work, you do not praise it. OK? Instead silence on her job until you are ready to reinforce your boundary again. Find some other 'work' to praise, like the spring cleaning.

When W doesn't get certain things done during the day, I will not make a big deal about it.

could you consider silence!

I can also make phone calls.

Care not to take over, is there a way you could do this that will make you seem positive?

I can also thank her when she does get things done and so more appreciation.

I really like this, a simple thank you for......
Gratitude is great. We appreciate being appreciated (care not to overdo this) generally appreciate the things that are done voluntarily or take great effort. Intermittent is also good.


When we get in major arguments, I will not say things that hurt W and not say things to control the argument. When things get heated, I will take a time out.

Learning to argue properly is very good indeed. There is a book called blame storming which talks about arguing. It is mainly about taking the personal out of the argument and reducing escalation. Can you give me an example of an argument you had about something relatively minor and how you could have agreed to disagree or reached a compromise.

When wife is not in the mood I can say "I know you are not in the mood right now, would you like to just cuddle for awhile?"

Have you thought of saying "I could do with a hug right now?" stating this in the most positive way you can. You can reduce this to "would you like to just cuddle for a while", what would you do if W says "no"?

When we go to bed and W wants to cuddle I will say "I like it when you sleep next to me."

This is just lovely.

When I walk in the house after work I will ask W " So how was your day? Anything exciting happen?"

this is very positive, leave the junk at the door

I can willingly share my truck, tools, TV and everything with W.

When W asks then share, but expect respect for your things.

When we have problems with the kids, I can take responsibility also and support W through the problems.

Problems? Only problems, what about the fun stuff too? And in doing so how can you make sure that W feels empowered rather than you are taking over?


I will tell W that I love her more often, hug her more often, hold her hand and cuddle with her.

When W looks beautiful, I will tell her she looks beautiful and tell her that she looks nice in that outfit.

I will tell W how much I appreciate her. I will listen when she is upset and acknowledge her feelings without trying to fix the situation. I will tell W that I love her just the way she is. I will allow W to be who she is not who I think she should be.

How was that? I can see how this will help change my thinking.



Apologies Joe, some emergency in my sitch today which I can explain on my thread later.

That is very good Joe. I love things stated positively.

In light of Sandi 37 guidelines which of these actions would it be best to defer or know how to act when your WW is no longer wayward?

I am saying to you that you have alternatives to your previous behaviour and you may not find these appropriate when your WW is infringing your boundaries.

I am saddened that your wife's job should prevent you from having the feedback that you needed on any forum. how shortsighted and definitely not driven by higher power. In which case you have something much more valuable here. That is very fortunate they behaved that way, their loss in my view. I enjoy your questioning and direct views.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 03/25/15 12:03 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2550886 03/25/15 03:17 PM
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No need to apologize V. I am so grateful for your help. You have such a nice way of looking at things.

As to what things I can change right now and which ones I can save for later, here goes.:)

I will praise her for the cleaning or the good job selling things from home. If she decides to get a normal job, I will support and encourage her.

I have been thanking her for the small things she is doing lately. Just a nice "thank you".

Of course the cuddling, hugging and I Love You's are on hold until job has changed and work is done on her end also. Boundary for me, " I will not be intimate while W is participating in this type of lifestyle"

I have begun to be more positive when I walk in the door. I am working toward asking about her day, but do not want to hear about her job. I am acknowledging her when I walk in and taking the conversations slowly.

I am sharing things with everybody. Not being a TV hog. Sharing snacks I bought.

We are communicating about everything with kids. Both positive and negative. I am listening when she speaks. I am not controlling the conversation. I have noticed she does not look at me much when we talk anymore. Don't know if me looking her in the eye is making her nervous or something else.

I have also established another boundary for me. I WILL NOT lie about her job. If asked, I will say they need to ask W. And leave it at that. I struggled with lying to family and friends through all this. I did not like the feeling of lying to them. It goes against me and what I believe in.

I am also taking my children to church on Sunday. D has been showing interest in God and I think it is time for her to learn. We pray every night before bed.

I wish Sandi's 37 was on here so I could print it out. It is in a quote format when you click on the tread.

Answers to a couple of your questions,

If wife said "no" to cuddling, I would not get upset or take it personal. Sometimes people are not in the mood to be touched.

Argument we had recently about bed times for the kids, I compromised by allowing them to stay up to a certain time, but they have to read. No tablets or phones. W was very mad one morning because D was S tired. I remained calm, did not get defensive and saw her point of view. I acknowledged her being upset and compromised on the solution.

How am I doing V? Any suggestions?


Me:44
EXW 44
Wonderful Children
M11, T14
BD 6/14
OM Confirmed
Divorce Final 2/25/16
"It works if you work it!"

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