I have maintained my composure the past few days when wife was freaking out. I did not talk about R. I detached very well. Today she seems better, more talkative and happy. She has been going out and walking the past couple days. FINALLY went and saw one of her good friends when she dropped off youngest S for birthday party. She is now planning to start walking with her friend 3 times a week. To me this is a good thing. She seems to act like her old self when she gets out and visits with the other women in town like she used to. I am maintaining my focus on what I am doing. I am listening when she speaks, but I am still keeping my distance. Any other advice or suggestions are welcome. Thank You.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I would just focus on yourself Joe, thats the one thing you CAN control right now, is the things you're doing for yourself. Your W's path is going to take its own course, and the best thing you can do is really just find a happy place in who you are, that will radiate throughout your person, and your wife will see it, even if it takes longer for her to come around.
Its great she's doing things for herself that connect her to the community, and bring her back into the real world, and not the fantasy world of the phone and locked away room she's become accustomed to.
Keep your distance, keep your morals and your boundaries. Make her come to you, not the other way around. I myself have been practicing this, and while its hard, and what would seem counter-intuitive, its been working for me as well. Women, and even men, love to go after what they can't have, the challenge is sometimes part of the draw. This happens so frequently for us LBH, that we over amp our desire to make things work, which, as we've both continually seen, just back fires completely.
So stay the course, measure progress in yourself, and the little things that happen positively between your wife and yourself. Keep posting, and keep your personal logs, and in the end, you'll become a much fuller and desirable person and partner.
This has been my Mantra, and while it can be trying, emotional, and sometimes seem impossible, if you look not at the past, or the future, but just really focus on the present moment/day/hour, and ask yourself, "am i doing X to make myself happy now", and the answer is yes, then all the other things will fall away. If the answer is no, stop, and re-assess, and find something you CAN do for yourself until the answer is yes again. Practice this enough, and you'll start to create your own happiness around you that will be fulfilling, and it will naturally draw positive energy around you and into your life. That sort of a draw will be impossible for your wife, and all those around you, to miss, and eventually, it will draw them in as well.
Nathaniel
M: 10 years, T: 12 years Me: 41, WAW: 38 SS:19, D:18, SD:7
Thanks sawbby, that is exactly what I am doing. It is not hard to take things slow because to be honest, I have been thinking all day how I would handle things if she started trying again. It will take me a LONG time to trust her again, if I can. I am also deciding on if I can deal with the work issue. If things get better and somewhere down the road the intimacy comes back, can I deal with that after knowing what she was doing on the phone all night. I think in the back of my head, I could be wondering if she is really into me or thinking of one of her calls. If she quits the job, and over time we can work on the marriage, it will still take a long time before I think I would be comfortable. I feel betrayed and cheated on now even though it is just a phone thing. Hope that does not sound silly, but that is how I feel.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Something dawned on me last night. W has been acting more like her old self ever since stepson moved back home. When stepson graduated and moved out was when W started pushing me away. I know in the past she has made comments on how she feels weird now that older kids are all grown and moved out. Stepson was youngest from first marriage. Now that she is back at the house for awhile, she is acting more like her old self and also going on walks with him, hanging out more with him. When both stepsons lived in same big town, she would go down once in awhile and only take younger stepson to lunch. Never asked older one. Sometimes it seems like she spends more time with stepson than the younger kids that are still supposed to be living at home. It is really weird!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
You have to think of it like a general in an army. The war is what you want to achieve victory in, not in every little battle. You have to take the long-tail view, and set things up in a way that moves you towards that long term goal. Its VERY tough sometimes, as you have things you want to change right away, but your W isn't in the same head space, or reading and getting the same advice as you, so she's likely going through changes, but at a MUCH reduced pace. Be the tactician, make your moves to win the war, and don't fret over the small losses here and there. Use them to better strategize and work out how to continue towards the bigger goal.
Sorry, i like analogies, and thats the one i find is best for myself to think of when it comes to my own marriage. Not that its really a "war", but that theres a bigger, farther off goal, and i have to keep moving all the little pieces in that direction together.
The stepson issue is an issue i'm not sure about. That she's feeling better with him around makes some amount of sense, but that she doesn't feel that same way with the younger ones, i'm not sure what to say about that. Maybe someone else on the list can respond to those specific questions/issues?
M: 10 years, T: 12 years Me: 41, WAW: 38 SS:19, D:18, SD:7
Today I am going on a trip for work. It is just an over night trip, but I am excited!!:) I get a break from the house and the drama for one night. I need a break. I realized that last night as I was packing my bag. My youngest S was upset of course because he will miss his dad. But I see how my wife is dumping everything on my and only thinks about work right now. My D was upset because she needed help with a project and wife told her later everytime she asked. I helped her get it done last night just in time. S was behind on his homework from being home sick for a few days. It seems that the kids come home from school and she just lets them play games and do whatever instead of getting school things done. I have turned into Mr Mom. If I don't do it, than it doesn't get done. Dishes need done, laundry needs done so me and kids have cloths. But last night I just took a deep breath and helped both kids. I am keeping space between me and W. I talk with her about kids and that is about it. I am just doing my thing. It feels weird sometimes. Like this morning, I did not know if I should give her a hug goodbye or not. I decided against it for now. It is part of my detaching. I thought alot about what cat wrote to me and I am thankful for her seeing another perspective. Could very well be my wife's perspective! I am going to work hard on fixing these things for myself and whatever relationship that comes in the future. My wife or someone else. I am prepared to work on our marriage should my wife choose to. But not until the phone sex job changes and we figure out how to work on trust. I am with Sandi!! I have done things in our marriage that needs to change. But nothing that deserves the lying and infidelity. My wife's perspective on things I have done could be taken as emotional abuse to her. Which is what I need to acknowledge and take responsibility for. And I am. My perspective of her job is she is cheating with these phone calls. So I pray every night for God to help me forgive her. I pray for God to help me work on myself and change for me. I pray for answers. I pray for my wife and everything she is going through.
Last edited by Joe406; 03/17/1501:56 PM.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Thanks V!! I had a good time. It is a buying show for one of our whole salers. They have a big dinner and games and contests at night. It was fun. I noticed something different about myself this time. I have always been a very quiet person in public. Did not do well around people. 2 years ago when I went, I ate and than went back to my room early. This year, I started introducing myself to people and visiting. I met some people I did not know and was confident talking with people. In the past, I have struggled with this.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
