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#2485435 09/05/14 02:53 PM
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Hi all,

My story is like so many I have read about on the site, so I will spare details (see signature below). briefly, it is a WAW MLC scenario. She has served me dissolution papers. W is still seeing OM. We are still in same bedroom, but separate beds. Almost no communication between us. My older children know that something is very wrong. After I found out about my W's A, I made all the classic mistakes. Now, I am now working on myself, going dark, spending more time with my children. I have spoken to a DB coach. It is hard to GAL because I have invested so much time in my children and W in the past, that I don't have much of a social life outside my home. I have started running and getting into shape and I like my new bod, but how much can I exercise??

I need some emotional support and I have some questions. I am having a lot of difficulty with maintaining PMA when I think about what W is doing to her children. Like all MLCers, she thinks she is a great mother and the younger ones are clinging to her even closer. I do not want OM around my children and W does not want to leave her children. My ILs are encouraging and emboldening my W further.

I have been very slow in submitting papers to my attorney so as not to push forward with D - as suggested by DB coach. My children are beginning to act out due to fear of the unknown. they are also scared and confused by my mood. I value M as an institution, but I do not see how I can stay married to W. I already fantasize about dating and meeting someone else, but I (and my children) am mired in this awful purgatory. When do I give up?

Best,

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
RAI #2486391 09/09/14 11:34 AM
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I have no advice just hugs. Infidelity is horrible. I hope she wakes up before she hurts you & your children more.

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When do I give up?

Jesus that is a question I ask myself all the time. I am only a little over a month into it and the answer to that question changes every 5 minutes it seems.

I wish I had something better to say to you, hang in there


Me 34
W 30
T 13
M 8
BD 7/27/14
EA Confirmed 8/6/14
S 8/2/14
D Imminent

I quote the immortal words of Socrates who said "...I drank what?"
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Hi, RAI. I'm so sorry you're here. No one deserves this.

With regards to the kids, I'll tell you what I learned from a friend who went through this as a child. He said, he could tolerate a LOT more if he knew from his parents what was going on. Even if it's bad, knowing that HE was going to be taken care of was the thing he worried most about. So in the short term, if you can keep reassuring your kids that no matter what they are loved and will be cared for, you will do a lot to defuse their anxiety.

You're going to have to drop your judgment of whether or not your W is a good mom. I can understand that her behavior is causing chaos in the family and that is kind of a bottom line area, but thinking of her as a terrible, destructive mother will NOT help you or your kids cope. The best thing for all of you is to drop that whole line of thinking and at least act as if. Most likely she's thinking very erratically and doing the best she can.

When do you give up? That's up to you. Do you want to save the marriage? If you do, this is going to be a LONG haul. Marathon, not a sprint. The thing is, if you don't, it's still going to be a marathon, because you have very young children and you are going to be stuck with one another for many years.

Your DB coach is the primary authority in your situation because s/he is the one who knows more of the details, etc. But to your W, it probably would at least improve your ability to co-parent if you were able to give in a little. Agree to the dissolution (don't hurry your attorney... just stop arguing against it if you have been). Try to improve your communications with one another for the SOLE purpose of co-parenting more effectively so the kids can relax and feel more secure. Do not talk about the relationship or OM. Don't worry about your in-laws. You can't do anything about them anyway. (Believe me, I know that's HARD, I have a grievance with my MIL myself, but it's not productive to worry about them.)

With regard to GAL, keep an eye out in your local paper for different things you can take an interest in, including stuff you can do with one or two of your kids at a time. Your social circle will grow over time, especially if you start participating in school or church functions, etc. It may take some time to grow a new set of habits but it will give you something really positive to focus on as you go through this awful experience.

This isn't going to be easy, fun, or fast, but it can be an opportunity for enormous growth if you give it the chance.

Do you have an idea of what her complaints pre-A were? Maybe list them in your next post or two.

Best to you, RAI. Nobody deserves this, but it's up to you what you make of it.

Last edited by Cristy; 09/09/14 10:25 PM.

Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Detach and protect yourself. My sitch is similar to yours. As long as she is in the home have a PMA and work on those 180s for you. It is very difficult to GAL, go dark, and detach when she is at home and there are children involved.
Remember that what you feel today is not what you will feel tomorrow. Don't make a rash decision you will regret later.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, and wish you the best.

Only you can know when it's time to call it quits.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
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Looks like I cross-posted with Maybell (who has some super advice), but here's my post anyway:

You say that you don't see how you can stay with W and then ask when you should give up. Those are contradictory questions to me.

You need to ask yourself: are you willing to work on your relationship and your marriage? Nothing's going to happen with OM in the picture, so I'm afraid it's a waiting game. Are you up for that?

What most people do is make it clear to their walk away spouse that they want to fix things, but they won't have anything to do with it until the other person is out of the picture.

Then, regardless of the situation and the details, they start by getting a life (GAL). Find things to do with yourself and your kids so that you're not focused on W. Make it about you and improving your life so that even if the R can't be saved, you're strong and worked through your crap emotionally and mentally and are prepared to move on with or with out your spouse.

Check out the thread with Sandi2's 180s for changing your behavior, in order to change the bad habits and ruts we all get into. Honestly consider your R and what went wrong, the part you played, and how you can change yourself for the better.

Hold strong!

Last edited by Two Sided Coin; 09/09/14 03:17 PM.

BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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Everyone! Thanks for the encouragement and valuable advice.

Maybell, I looked at your signature and noticed that the timing of events in our lives is similar, i.e. our ages, kids ages, length of M, even the date of D-day are similar, yet you seem to be much more together and empowered. Kudos to you. That was just an observation from which perhaps I can draw strength.

As far as complaints pre-A, she did not have many. Intimacy was good and pretty regular, I would tell her how attractive she is, she had time to start her own business, we tried to do date-night weekly, I still bought her flowers on occasion, we did not fight/argue seriously, I never told her how to spend our money, I adored her and championed her to everyone. Occasionally, she would complain that I am not home enough in the evenings and that she could never go out or have time to herself. I would always counter that she could go out any time, but she had difficulty leaving our youngest S. I used to joke that she had separation anxiety.

After D-day she said, in retrospect, that she did not have her own voice, that she adopted all of my convictions (vis a vis religion, parenting, values, etc…), that I was too controlling, and that I was not "there" enough for her. Initially I signed on to the theories she concocted, blamed myself, and even apologized for it. In response, I relinquished all control - giving her free reign, came home an hour earlier daily, gave up some commitments (e.g. bible study) and forgave her. She responded with disdain and by asking that we separate. A few weeks later I caught her with OP for the second time. I think she needed to find fault with me in order to justify her actions. Obviously there was a flaw in the relationship and, in retrospect, I would tend to get my way more often than she, but I really did not perceive any red flags nor did she raise any until after the A was disclosed.

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
RAI #2486978 09/10/14 04:53 PM
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Why do you believe she is in MLC?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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I actually read a post on DB called MLC for dummies (or something to that effect). The resemblance to my W was uncanny. Her behavior matched the behavior of someone in MLC perfectly. It's like I went to bed with my W and woke up with a total stranger.

Why do you ask?

RAI

Last edited by RAI; 09/10/14 05:16 PM.

Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
RAI #2486995 09/10/14 05:39 PM
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Just curious.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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