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#2547039 03/12/15 05:02 PM
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Hi all.

I don't know how to paste my previous posts: Thread for VGE1.

Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers. It's definitely a journey I know we didn't sign up for. But knowing that God is with us and providing this great forum of people has so helped me deal with this mess.

Okay folks, update:

I begin chemo treatment next week. UGH!!!!! I was really dreading this. But I even went to 3 other oncologists and they all came up with the exact treatment plan. The cancer is bad. It's not only in my spine, pelvis, ribs but trying to get into my brain and lungs. So we gotta act NOW!

STRESS!!!

In the meantime, DH is no help. He is only looking out only for himself. And on Monday, it was confirmed that the OW the "friend" is really his gf and he may move in with her.

First, let me begin by saying that I am learning a lot of myself and what is really important. A major disease is a wake up call to the real issues huh?

My DH had taken our children to a nondenominational church several weeks ago. Which is fine, I just asked that they text me so that when I go to church, I could get the eucharist for them. Then last week, he took them again. I made arrangements to take them to mass before he would pick them up on Sun so that way they wouldn't feel like they missed church. He had already told them he was taking them to the other church. When they arrived at the other church, my H told our children to save some seats cuz he invited a "friend".

Sure enough, there she was, with her 3 children and her mother. My youngest child told my other children that that was the woman from dad's confirmation and the woman that dad held hands with. So they were all so uncomfortable and upset.

H sat with all our children to his right and he placed her youngest child between him and her so our children wouldn't think anything. (he said this to me later) After the service, he gave her a hug and my children and H went to lunch and spent the rest of the day hanging out.(upset)

When my children explained all of this to me, I contacted my attorney. She asked me to put it in writing, cuz I already asked him by phone and in person, not to have this OW around our children right now. It's too soon since he's left and I amd dealing with cancer. The children are not ready.

So, I sent him an email to reiterate my request for the well being of the children not to have the OW around. If he continues, then I will place a restraining order (per my atty).

He didn't respond well. He said, how can I place it since, there isn't anything going on. I said, cuz the children are upset, hurt, and uncomfortable. I am watching out for their well being and this isn't a good thing right now. So he asked, when? I said - when the ink is dry. He didn't like that cuz there is such a delay in this D for my health.

After, the repeated denials about this woman, I asked him point blank if this was his gf, he said yes. I asked if he was going to move in with her or marry her. And he said, maybe. And there you have it - the truth. Why did he lie the whole time???

I told him that he should have just told me and the boys the truth. He said why does it matter. I said it mattered a lot. This way I could xplain to them what will be happening. He said that everyone needs to get over it. This is his life, these are his children too and the OW is in his life too. He should be able to have the children involved in all parts of his life even if it involves this OW. The children would rather know the truth at the beginning than to be lied to. In fact, now they see him as a liar and don't respect him or buy anything he says. Especially, my older children. They were so upset that one of them walked out of that church service and stayed out in the hallway till the service was over. My H was upset that our child didn't just deal with this new "friend".

They really don't want to be around him and much less now with this new OW as his gf. He said I was trying to control the situation and that's one of the reasons why he left, cuz i don't let him to whatever he wants, so, it's my fault.

I said that if he would have been honest to all of us, then I wouldn't have felt the need to put this email out there. So in the end, does it matter? I have talked to a counselor and spiritual director and friends and have come to the conclusion that he is doing a lot to the children on his own. I don't bash him to the children since I don't have to. They see him and don't like what he is doing. They love him but don't like this stuff. I just need to support my children, love them, and pray for them. I just don't need to add more STRESS than what's already out there. I can't control him - I know that - but I was trying to protect my babies from more pain.

I love my children so much and don't want to see them go through this horrible experience. Abandonment from their dad and now I am getting sicker. You can almost gauge the increase in cancer markers with the amount of stress I am going through with this guy. UGH!

I don't want my DH to dance on my grave. I want to live a long time to see my children have families of their own. I am letting go of all of this slowly. It's so hard cuz my children and their well being are the utmost importance but stressing out is not helping my health. So LET GO!

I've already signed the children up to see a family therapist next week. They are dealing with so much and need a safe outlet and learn some coping skills on how to handle this stress. My poor babies.

Whew! Sorry for the length of this stuff. Just wanted to keep y'all posted. Luv y'all. Praying y'all's drama subsides and y'all are doing well. Remember, God is good all the time!!

In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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Glad you started a new thread
Here is the link to the last one

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2502872#Post2502872


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I'm sorry to hear that you are now getting ready to start chemo. You are going to have to find a way to get rid of that stress because it's not going to help you fight your cancer. Yes, I know it's awful the way your h is behaving, but you've got to be strong, not only for yourself, but for your children and yes, to fight for your life.

Do you have friends/family that will be able to assist you as you go thru the chemo? It's going to take a lot out of you and you will need someone there to help you and the children.

I'm glad you've got the children signed up to see a therapist. What about you? Are you seeing anyone?

Please, please take care of yourself. Your h is gone, out to lunch, and yes, very, very selfish right now. I am so sorry that he's not there supporting you and your children.

I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Prayers are a powerful tool and I'm sure everyone here will pray as well.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Job is right on! I just don't understand MLCers and their OP's. How can ow feel good about having a R with a married man with kids whose W is going through chemo? And do what they did to the kids in church no less!

I'm so sorry you are going through all this and you and the kids are in my prayers! Hang in there with all of us here praying for you you'll do great!

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vge1, I'm so sorry to read about what is going on in your sitch. I apologize for not knowing the entire story, but have read this thread.

My heart breaks for you that you have to go through this now. Please, please put the focus on caring for yourself. We cannot control the mlc behavior at all. We have to give it to God. So right now, you should control what you can and that is putting yourself in the best situation for recovery.

My heart also breaks for your kids. I know how upsetting it is for them. They should not have to endure that. I am sure that they are learning many wonderful things through your example: strength, courage, respect, faith, love...

He is clearly behaving in an utterly selfish way. I'm sorry for that. Keep yourself surrounded by positive energy and people.

You will be in my prayers.

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vge1,

I can only echo what Job, Matt & Mighty have said. I am so sorry to hear about your situation, your health challenges and what you and your kids are going through. As you said, life's ordeals teach us what is really important and right now, your H and his behavior does not matter.

What matters is YOU, your health and your children. Please take care. I hope you have a strong support system to help you go through this.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children. You are such a strong, strong woman and an example for me. Thanks for sharing your story and please come back to post often. You can find some comfort and support here as well.


Me & H: 44
D7, D6, S3
Together: 20y, M: 17y
EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12
D Negotiating began 2/15
OW seemingly gone on 3/15
Still negotiating D






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Sending prayers your way.

Please focus on you and your health.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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My prayers tonight are for you.

Take care of yourself and don't sweat him.

He is gonna do what he is gonna do. Be grateful for your beautiful kids. Enjoy them


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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My prayers are with you too. The last thing you need right now is more stress. Focus on you and your children. Sending you healing light. Your STBX will have to answer to his maker one day.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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VGE -what kind of cancer do you have? How long ago was the first appearance and how was it treated? I'll research whatever I can that might be helpful.

I know it sounds impossible to do, but for your own sake, right now, you have to just let go of H. "Let go or be dragged" was my mantra. You have very important work to do healing yourself, and that is so much more important than anything having to do with your H.

I can relate a bit, as my ex had an affair, we reconciled, had some of the best years of our marriage, then he fell down the rabbit hole of MLC and we divorced. I also had health problems (not life threatening) which H couldn't deal w, and also came to realize that my H had always had a certain selfish streak.

My life is good now, once you let go you may realize how much energy it has been taking to walk on eggshells around him all the time. Let go....if he's meant to come back eventually he will, although I suspect by that time you won't want him back (I wouldn't have mine back now for all the tea in China). But you don't have to make any decision like that now, just let go and focus on your healing.

Last edited by kml; 03/13/15 03:07 PM.
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vge1
your sitch is very, very challenging to say the least & am sorry to read of such (also with the insensitivity of the mlc-er compounding issue -> time 4 YOU!).

I do hope that you get the support systems to help you navigate at this time.

I remember reading about Louise Hay years ago - who went through a divorce only to learn of cancer not long after. She changed *diet & lifestyle and is alive and well today! There are many advances in medicine today - keep viligent and try somehow (?) to keep toxic elements at bay - the trick being to outlast the toxins ... to have frequent endophin/good hormone etc activity vs frequent corisol, 'other stress' hormone activity, all this in an effort to increase the odds in your favor and aid healing. There are many, many others like Louise Hay! smile

I hope my tone isn't offensve as electronic mediums do not always 'translate' well (condsending, patronizing or parent like??? frown NOT MY INTENT!)

It's just that when I came across your post yesterday, I wanted you to know that you will be thought of when you start treatment, and like many others on the board, I too sincerely lend my support & prayers to you. Take care, p.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

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I too wanted to chime in on sending your peacful vibes of hope, healing and peace.

I have had many experiences with loved ones ensuring and beating cancer. You just stay strong and take it 1 day at a time.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Do you know how many supporters you have on this site?


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VGE,

I am so sorry to hear of your latest challenge. My late father passed away with lung cancer so I can relate from the perspective of a caregiver.

Also wanted to piggyback what pbetra said about diet. Last year, I read somewhere in a news article, there was a story where the Marchioness of Worcester firmly believed that by changing her diet to alkaline foods, her cancer (I can't remember which type) pretty much totally disappeared.

Strength and grace to you as you face this new challenge head on, my dear.

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Also -
- if this is a relapse of a previously treated cancer, or if the statistics on the treatments they are offering you aren't good - look for a clinical trial of one of the new drugs. Google "CAR T-cell cancer" and you will find the NCI page on this exciting new treatment. Initially it was tested on blood cancers but I believe there are now trials setting up for solid tumors as well.

- cannabis oil actually does have some valid laboratory research supporting its anti-cancer effects - this may be a beneficial adjunct to treatment.

- visualization, meditation, a diet low in sugars and rich in antioxidants.

- google low dose naltrexone and cancer, especially the work of Dr. Berkson with alpha lipoic acid and LDN

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Oh - and check your vitamin D levels, look at grassrootshealth dot org website for more information on vitamin D levels and cancer risk (based on the wonderful work of one of my professors from the 80's)

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Thank you all for your loving words, thoughts and prayers. They are so encouraging. I know we all have our challenges and pray for each one of you.

In 2013 I found a lump - breast cancer. It was also in 3 lymph nodes making it Stage IIIC. Practically stage IV. So I had a double mastectomy with a D-FLAP (reconstruction using my own tissue). I was highly encouraged to do the chemo, radiation and hormone therapy route and I said no. Now it's stage IV.

I went "holistic". I just really didn't want to do all of the conventional treatments. I did make a friend who was almost like me and did the conventional route and practically two yrs later she also has stage IV. So though we tried different paths and we both came to the same place. Hmmm?

I practically became complete vegan, using a ton of supplements, and juicing lots of veggies.
It worked for this entire time until my H left.

Anyway, I will be continue as much integrative medicine along with conventional medicine. I still follow prayer, focused healing meditations, green tea, juicing veggies, alkaline diet, alkaline water, supplement regiments (name the supplement - I have it), yoga, acupuncture, running, and I belong to a great support group. I know the more I stress the more the cancer will grow.

I will have my mom stay with me during the treatment time to see how I do. Meantime, my two older children will be getting their driver's license soon to help with transporting themselves and their siblings to church, sports practice, etc. It'll help a lot.

My friends have already signed up to help feed my family on a schedule and there are some organizations that help with a maid service for those undergoing treatment. So I do have help.

I am learning to let go of H and all the other mess. It's hard to see the pain in my children's eyes.

Everyday, I have to consciously examine my words, thoughts and actions so that I can be there for my children. I am learning to share experiences with them. Nothing fancy just being there while they share their thoughts and feelings. Watching them play outside. We enjoy the outdoors. Like I said earlier - I don't want to die yet.

I gotta be here and I pray the Lord wills it for my children and for me.

I know that God is the ultimate HEALER and God is good---all the time!! Keep y'all posted. Thanks again for your beautiful thoughts and prayers. Praying for wisdom, discernment, protection, healing and mercy.

In His Love
VGE1

Romans 8:28

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Originally Posted By: vge1
I practically became complete vegan, using a ton of supplements, and juicing lots of veggies.
It worked for this entire time until my H left.


Anyway, I will be continue as much integrative medicine along with conventional medicine. I still follow prayer, focused healing meditations, green tea, juicing veggies, alkaline diet, alkaline water, supplement regiments (name the supplement - I have it), yoga, acupuncture, running, and I belong to a great support group. I know the more I stress the more the cancer will grow.

vge1 - It's GREAT to hear from you! You're an inspiration to me - Love your words ...

Love reading of your diet too!
Our food is so unhealthy (did you read that the rubber used found in yoga mats also found in bread (!! ) at many fast food places? melomine in (powdered) milk? also that humans bodies take longer to decompose b/c of the amt. of preservatives in our food! shocked ) watch out for the combo of 'glucose-fructose' as well - we can't metabolize that either! I use tumeric as that is good for inflammation (but from what you said, I think u knew that!)

I grow some of my own food now - b/c gardening is therapeutic, 'meditative' 4 me. I now have a growing, healthy eco-system of wild
life to enjoy while sipping on tea. I have been learning more & more about diet over the last few years & getting more & more horrified frown LOL re: what these companies do for their "bottomline." (we all know that they don't eat what they sell!)

Quote:
I will have my mom stay with me during the treatment time to see how I do. Meantime, my two older children will be getting their driver's license soon to help with transporting themselves and their siblings to church, sports practice, etc. It'll help a lot.

My friends have already signed up to help feed my family on a schedule and there are some organizations that help with a maid service for those undergoing treatment. So I do have help.

I am learning to let go of H and all the other mess. It's hard to see the pain in my children's eyes.

This I was concerned about - much needed help & support! That's wonderful as there's magic in that!!

... Which leaves the last 'item' -
Re: your post, the bold/col. type above. You obviously have the diet covered & help & support is developing nicely.

Stress is playing a big role. It is a common culprit.

I personally believe in the 'body pharmacy' concept - in that if your body 'came up' with the problem (due to undesirable *conditions (below) which resulted in the secretion of chemicals, hormones, electrolytes etc in unbalanced ratios relative to each other, it can 'undo' (!) those problems under the right conditions & correct itself! Science is revealing more & more how adaptable we re: body & mind! I really believe this - in other words, if we 'fail', it's b/c the conditions that were not met 2 undo the damage - but the possibilty for positive outcome was highly likely - ALWAYS!
re: conditions - *diet, lifestyle, stress, environment, pollutants, toxic people & experiences etc.

I find myself 'wearing a serious expression' as I go about my daily list full of things 2 do. It is early now & I have to end to start soon b 4 everyone gets up.

I have begun to b mindful - telling myself to smile whenever (!!) I remember (as I get so 'immersed in daily duties')Remember to laugh v laugh (whenever you think you can - I cannot know how u feel or will feel). Laughter creates a host of happy chemicals - & those WE NEED MORE OF (!!), 'swimming' about in the blood, in every cell - be it red or white! Those chemicals we need to get transported to brain, ligaments, muscles and other tissues - heck the entire body!

Sending continued prayers & positve thoughts 'teleported' TO YOU vge1 via the internet!
smile p.


Last edited by pbetra; 03/14/15 09:18 AM.

pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

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Is the cancer HER2+?

That grassrootshealth website I mentioned was started by a breast cancer survivor, vitamin D is hugely important.

Go to cancerreasearch.org and look at the cancer Immunotherapy page for breast cancer, discusses available clinical trials.



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The cancer is estrogen progesterone positive and her2-. And i already take 5000iu of vit d daily plus it's Spring time and i try to get outside to get natural vit D.

My mind and heart still hurt. Some days are better than others. I've read a few stories- one said a guy had some kind of cancer and analyzed his life. So he quit his job, divorced his wife and pretty soon the cancer was gone. No responsibilities=no stress. Easy right like our WAS's. But the wife he left was fit, healthy, athletic but once he left her ... Her health worsened and she got cancer and died....STRESS!

Of course, i don't have all the details but the idea is our emotional and mental well being affect our physical health. I get it.

How do i stop stressing? Every time my children come back from their visits , they keep saying how much they don't want to be with him...stress! I'm heartbroken.

Today, he asked them to go to a different Catholic church then lunch with the OW and her kids. My children said no. Especially my oldest child who told my H that the younger children have a lot to process and this is not a good time.
My H responded that he doesn't know what kind of timeline they're on but that they eventually have to deal with it.....STRESS!
My children are really trying. I'm really trying. I can't run away or avoid facing this guy.
Ugh!!!
How do y'all do it?!

BTW-pbetra...glad you're reading up on nutrition. It's amazing that we're all alive. Chemicals abound. Anyway, because of what I've researched, our home has changed a lot. No chemicals, from cleaners, to toothpaste, deodorant, soaps, etc. Still learning. But i appreciate the affirmation.

Focusing on reducing stress.

In His love

Vge1

Romans 8:28

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Vge1- I am so sorry to hear about your health issues. I must say though that you sound full of clarity and purpose. I mean Vge right now you are in warrior mode. You sound fierce and determined - you sound like someone on a mission. Good for you!

I know your faith is a shield. Use it and don't concern yourself with H. Let God handle H. You take care of yourself. God is with you too. He can handle all your worries. Trust in him. You are not alone.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Hi Vge1. I just got caught up on your story. I am so sorry to hear the battle you are fighting and my prayers are with you. From what I read, you are a strong woman and have the right mindset. You know what you need to do, for your own survival, but it's not easy. Especially when our kids are involved.

It amazes me over and over how selfish MLCr's can be, and your H is up their high on my list. Unfortunately, it sounds like your wishes are falling on deaf ears. It doesn't sound like he is going to have much compassion in regards to the children being around OW, so I figure it's time to take some control of the situation, at least what you can control. I also can't believe the way this woman is behaving being aware of the situation, seems to me to be a very low class twit of a person.

So is there anything legally you can do? Or, I hate to say it, but maybe limit the time the kids are with him? If he can't honor this simple request, then they shouldn't be around him. I hate to see what our kids have to deal with, it always breaks my heart.

Please take care of yourself and do whatever it takes to bring you to a happy place.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
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Vge,

I believe God chooses challenging, insurmountable situations to prove He exists.

If I stub my toe and live to tell the story, well, few people will become convinced God exists. The cynic won't be convinced by that pathetic turnaround.

However, if I survive cancer with a wayward, selfish husband, no insurance of my own, children who need me and a series of other unfortunate, challenging obstacles...well...God is making a situation where even the most cynical will be hard pressed to say HE doesn't exist.

You have been chosen. I don't know why. I DO know that HE must feel you are up to this challenge if HE chose you. You must be pretty amazing for God to choose you for this incredible challenge.

Yes. I wish HE would stop choosing us for such hard circumstances. I don't get it.

But, I guess you can't have a testimony without a test. You can't show HIS majesty and power without really SHOWING HIS majesty and power.

Moses just had a stick. David just had a rock.

I believe you will be ok and conquer this situation. You are a conqueror and you have been chosen to illustrate HIS POWER.

Go kick the Devil's a$$. :-)


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

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VGE,

I'm so terribly sorry you are going through this. Please focus on your health. Sending positive thoughts and hugs to you and your kids.

I know I'm supposed to feel compassion for your h, but I just can't muster any energy on him other than this one line.

We are here for you!



3 kids
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Awww. Y'all are sooo amazing.

Thanks to all of you on this forum, I get encouraged and hopeful. It sure helps to read the great votes of confidence.

The enemy has NO power in any shape or form!!

Luv to all of you. God is good - all the time!

In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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More drama.
I received an email from my atty tonight that says:

FIL has contacted (by email)his nephew (a prominent atty former judge) to attack my character and speed up this divorce. I'm soo hurt.

This nephew corresponded with my H's atty and had a lengthy phone conversation with my H based on that email. So, FIL says I'm over protective and controlling of my children and that they are brainwashed. FIL even said that he and others are willing to testify and that my H should seek sole custody. He says children are fine and have adjusted well with this situation?!

H told that cousin that our marriage has been bad since yr 2. UMMM - we've been married 20 years and have 4 beautiful children. So it's been bad that whole time.

Our D has been on hold because of the cancer. I don't have a job yet -I'm looking but I don't know what the treatment will do to me. So I am trying to be particular for a career not a just a job cuz I need insurance and a good income to not rely on him.

Anyway, his atty was on board with mine until today. He wants to move forward asap and just put me on COBRA.

I am at a loss for words. My heart keeps breaking. More stress I don't need. His family totally betraying me and my children.

The enemy is trying hard to destroy everything. My marriage, my health and now my family.

All I feel is pain, betrayal, hurt and disappointment. My children seem fine to him and his family because they love them and what would they say anyway. They come home and cry. I see it everyday. I have no words other than I love you and God loves you and it's not your fault.

They are sooooo sad. I'm sooo sad too. Now how do they go over to where there dad is living and their grandparents and not be inundated with questions about their schooling and their well being. They'll try to corner them to interrogate them - that's how they are. Even if you say "fine" they will take it as how they want to see it. It may be "fine" with a tone of sadness but they just hear "fine" as in - oh you are good.

They have always opposed homeschooling and me staying home. They have always told my H that I should work and the children go to public school. My inlaws have even asked my children academic questions (no other relatives children nor their other grandchildren --public school) to see if they're learning anything.

My H portrayed himself as an unhappy person in a bad marriage and that he loves and supports our children. He said they are well adjusted and seem fine. H also said that he's there to help me during this treatment. So the cousin says that H doesn't seem insensitive and that the D shouldn't be on hold.

Lord help me!!


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Romans 8:28

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I am so sorry that this is all going down right now. First, contact your lawyer and seek spousal support and to try to remain on his insurance because of a pre-existent medical issue. You are in no condition, especially w/chemo, to hold down a job right now. Second, speak to the counselor when you take your children there and see what they suggest, i.e., as to documentation of how the children are handling the situation.

As for being unhappy since year two...then explain a 20 year marriage and 4 beautiful children? That is the mlc script spewing from his lying lips. He is going to do anything and everything to make himself look like a victim. Shame on him for being such an @ss during this time of serious illness. They lack empathy and this is so tragic in so many ways.

But, I want you to know that we are all here for you and will do everything we can to listen, offer advice and support, but vge, you've got to think of you and your children at this time and you've got to ask for what is rightfully yours because you are going to need monetary support in the days and months ahead, not only for yourself, but your children. You've got to put your business hat on and tell your lawyer that you want him to fight for you and that you are unable to work, especially when it comes to doing the chemo. This is not an excuse, but an honest to goodness necessity that you have this time to heal.

God is here to help/guide us, but he also wants us to help ourselves. So, pick up that phone or email your lawyer and advise him it's time to get very serious about this situation and you need all of the legal support he can provide to you.

Please take care of yourself.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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VGE - Job is absolutely correct. Please, please treat this battle as a business negotiation. Get your attorney to act swiftly to preserve your rights, document everything you can in writing. Keep a journal with dates and events. Work with your counselor and get them in your corner. If you can show the counselor your focus is on your children and your health that shouldn't be an issue.

This is a battle and the only way to defeat the evil in your family is to attack it methodically and with everything you've got. Right now you must be organized and businesslike to accomplish your goals. This is critical VGE. Prayer always has a place but God needs you to take charge and show him you will fight and be resolute.

The emotions can be dealt with after you've done everything you can to survive this situation with your children. Do not doubt yourself and do not depend on your husband to be reasonable.

Be strong and be fierce. You can do this VGE


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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As for the insurance issue - you can COBRA your coverage for three years after a divorce, and thanks to Obamacare, you can buy insurance after that without concerns about pre-existing conditions (Thanks you Obama! He saved my butt).

I think your ex should have to pay your COBRA payment since he is divorcing you in the middle of a severe medical crisis. Also spousal support should reflect the fact that you will be disabled during your chemo treatment (seriously, who is going to hire you while you are puking your way through chemotherapy???). Your ex is stupid for pushing the divorce right now, he'd be better off once you are through treatment and able to work, but then, we already know he's an idiot.

As for the idea of divorce itself - you need to let it go. Trying to hang on and fight the (possibly) inevitable is only going to make YOU sicker. Let go or be dragged. Plus, if you divorce NOW, you can preserve your share of marital assets for your kids in your will. If you happened to get hit by a truck before the divorce is final, all those assets go to your H, and who knows how he'll waste them on OW.

And ignore all the ridiculous nonsense. No, he didn't stay with you for 20 years and make 4 kids because he was miserable in the marriage - they always rewrite history. And YOU know the benefits your kids got from homeschooling, the in-laws opinion doesn't matter a bit. (Btw, do the in-laws even know about your recent stage 4 cancer diagnosis? If they do, they are despicable people - but then again, it's likely your H hasn't told them.)

He doesn't want full custody, he's just trying to use the threat to get you to go through with the divorce. Throw him off guard - let him know you're more than happy to divorce him ASAP if he agrees to your terms.

I'm pretty sure if you end up in court, the judge is gonna look kindly on a homemaker with stage 4 cancer.

As for visitation - it's rotten that your ex is being so insensitive. Nonetheless - you need to figure out a way to facilitate his relationship with the kids. One reason is so that he can't pull that "parental alienation" crap on you (as if his affair isn't reason enough for the kids to be alienated from him!). The other reason is because, if you don't so well (although I believe you will) he IS their other parent and it will be easier on them if they have maintained some kind of relationship with him.

As for keeping them from the OW - that's a losing battle in the long run. You might get an order for now but once the divorce goes through, they'll still be exposed to her. So pick your battles. In fact, if they have to be around her and are nasty to her as a result, it might scotch the relationship between H and OW altogether! lol (Watch the movie She DEvil with Roseanne Barr if you want to have a good laugh about this).

Don't fight the divorce, just fight for the best financial deal for you and your kids. If he's so hot to get divorced, you may have your best shot at a good agreement now.

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Well...
1) I'd rather not switch insurance providers unless I begin working that offers insurance. Prefer to stay away from national healthcare if possible.

2) I have let him know that the divorce is just going to have to wait. I know that hanging on is stressful but I'm just confused about what to do. Let him off the hook.It may not be that ez. I hope to talk to my lawyer soon depending how my treatment is progressing.

3) He continues to visit his children and only missed one time because he had the flu. He knows that it would make him "look bad (worse)" if he misses his visitations. His previous atty from his other child support case had told him that if he misses visits then the mother can request more money. Remember it's about him.. and his reputation.

4)The in laws have known about the cancer and my new treatment. No phone calls or visits from them or my H. They don't care though they say they "pray" for me everyday. Hmmm. Doesn't matter.

5) I know these trials are temporary but feel like forever.

As I mentioned, I am so disappointed and hurt. THis MLC'er is unbelievable. His family is unbelievable.


I will fight for my health, my children and everything I can. This is just so sad for all involved. They (H and his family and OW) really aren't thinking clearly.

Thank you all for your amazing support, love, thoughts, and prayers. You don't know how much this forum helps. Y'all are such a blessing!

All will be well. I believe Jeremiah 29:11.. The Lord has a plan for good.... Prayers for all.


In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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Quote:
I'd rather not switch insurance providers unless I begin working that offers insurance. Prefer to stay away from national healthcare if possible.


COBRA is a continuation of your same current insurance for three years. After that you can choose the same insurance if you desire, on an individual plan. Obamacare provisions ensure that you can still enroll in insurance despite your pre-existing condition. If you live in a state that has an exchange, you will also likely qualify for some kind of subsidy for your insurance (my widowed musician friend, who was going broke paying a third of her income for her health insurance for her and her young son, now gets a subsidy that reduces her cost by over half - and was able to keep her same plan and doctors.)

If he will pay for the COBRA costs, the insurance is not really a reason to delay the divorce. and like I said, it may benefit you and your children financially to go through with the divorce now - while you are unemployed and going through chemo, a judge will definitely favor you.

Dragging your feet on the divorce will not help you. It won't make your H any more likely to return. It won't save your children. It won't get you a better settlement. And it won't stop him from returning to you if he comes to his senses. Financially, every time I have seen a woman here drag the divorce out deliberately, it has ended up hurting the woman financially in a big way (and judges don't like it either).

Also, staying stuck in this emotion and hurt is very bad for your health. Getting it settled and moving forward, focusing on YOU, is healthy.

If your MLCer is going to come back, he's MORE likely to come back once you stop holding on. Let go of the rope.

Talk to your lawyer and ask their opinion about the best way to proceed to get you the best settlement possible. This part is all about business, has nothing really to do with the emotional parts of the divorce or with justice or retribution. Just follow your attorney's advice on how to get the best settlement. And no, the insurance is not a reason to stall (thank god!!! A few years ago, before Obamacare, you would have been in enormous trouble).

Last edited by kml; 03/18/15 05:51 AM.
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Oh, and yes, your in-laws are jerks, but then you already knew that a long time ago. Speaking of which - what kind of family support do you have in your own family?

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I know KML that the insurance is not the main reason to stall but I am following my atty's advice. She is a two time brain cancer survivor and had a divorce from a guy just as insensitive as my H.

So she's looking at all aspects of this scenario. I am not wanting my MLCer back. The children hold no respect for him and just see him as weird.

I am hurt from all sides but my family, my church and my friends are my support. They support me spiritually and emotionally.

I'm just praying and I am keeping my business hat on. I'm letting the attorney do the work I'm paying her to do.

I know I'll be fine. I know my in-laws are horrible and that my H is delusional.

My focus is on my faith, my health and my children.


In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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vge1 - I'm praying for you. I simply cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you and your children. You sound strong and level-headed. You'll need to dig deep to get through the next few months, but I know you can do it. We're here to listen.

And I'm glad to hear you say you don't want your MLC'r back. He sure doesn't sound like a keeper to me. WOW. I know he's in MLC, but this is just such horrendous behavior. Remember, HE is the one who has to live with himself, his choices, his consequences. Maybe one day he will see the hurt he caused. Then, God help him. Blessings to you vge1.


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
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vge,
so sorry to come across this recent development, above, 'more drama.'

You have received very sound advice re: the posts following your own - job, gwen, kml ... livenow 'chimed in' (doesn't sound like a keeper to me - & in this condition, he is NOT)

I read that your lawyer's sitch is similar to your own so you 'follow as directed' of course. However, it might still be prudent to 'mentally file' this info. away. You never know, you may need to re visit in future, life is strange that way.

I do echo the sentiments of yourself & the others (let the lawyer do what she has to for you). As for you? You have ONE thing to do & that is to continue to reach out to your (many) support systems during this time of adversity. Keep them alive. Your in laws are a let down sick . Your h has even more (!)'goodies' on the way for you - although even he doesn't know it yet!!! crazy You have this one thing to do for you - use your support systems to keep your head above water.

Your body is fighting a war with the cancer, your mind is fighting a war b/c of the mlc + all the associated fall out (!) ... ow, in laws etc. Fight - your support is your 'army'.

You are at war vge, so *strategy (below/col.) as in war, is key to win these battles of mind & body. Fight this bastard & his $%^@* family (they are wrong to react like this. I have no expectations of mlc-er right now, but they should be mature enough to separate the issues. Your M is one thing. Your illness is another. That's it. Your illness is NOT a tool for 'vendetta or side taking', that aspect is separate & should be treated as such. Any other thinking is just 'gutter.' (Sorry to sound this way but illness is illness - how low should one go? Come on!!!)

Vge, *if one or two things fall at the 'side of the road' leave it be, maybe it has to, in the interim, so that you can 'catch your breath' to continue your journey (suggested above/post). This is your health. You are 'life raft' for your children.

Continue to tell your children how much you love them (& even during your 'not so good days' that TRUTH is there whether expressed or not) let them KNOW IT. Let them know that nothing lasts forever, ... reassure them that no matter what, they are stronger than they know & will make it. Give them the tools to make it so.

p. (support / 'soldier' in your army wink )


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

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Vge,

How did it go this week?


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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I saw this documentary on Nova where this art dealer found what may be a DaVinci. He bought it for a piddly $20,000 (relatively speaking this is like a .25 for a DaVinci).

Anyway, I've been struggling with this idea that my husband could abandon my daughters and I and leave us with nothing to exist on financially and otherwise. He really left us with nothing. And, his parents, who were in a position to help, didn't choose to help...instead, they joined the Heather-bashing train too. And, abandoned our kids, made things harder for them...when they could have been supportive and made things easier. They chose not to.

And, I guess there will always be this part of me that believes I somehow deserved it. Some part of me says, "See? They knew your real worth. You don't deserve to be happy or whatever..."

Well, that's when I remind myself of the DaVinci.

Plenty of other art treasures have been found in flea markets, attics and the garbage. People toss aside priceless treasures all the time. And, just because the treasure gets a bit battered or sits in the garbage, doesn't make it garbage. It's still priceless.

The problem comes when you put a priceless treasure among people who can't recognize it's value. They don't see it. I think I was under the impression that I didn't deserve to surround myself with people who understood priceless treasures. I figured I was garbage, so I surrounded myself with garbage.

You need to surround yourself with people who recognize the priceless treasure you are.

And, please, please, fill your ears with positive messages right now. There have been times when I've kept my earphones in my ears with Gospel and sermons playing 24/7 just to keep the negative thoughts out. Some of the most amazing miracles have come to me when I filled my ears with God's word 24/7.

You are in the fight for your life. Keep your head up. God chose you for this battle for a reason. You must be one helluva tough cookie.

Last edited by LoisB; 03/22/15 12:58 AM.

"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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That was beautiful, Heather. I agree, vge; you are a tough cookie.

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AWWW. LoisB you made me cry.

You ARE SO RIGHT!! We are all valuable and beautiful priceless treasures. I love your analogy. I can't believe someone can just toss out loving spouses and children and think it's garbage.WE are NOT garbage!

Thank you for the great messages. This battle is not mine to fight alone. The Lord has been so gracious to me and my family. HE has helped me so much and has provided family, friends and this great forum to help fight this spiritual battle.

We are all together in this fight (even without the MLC'er). The fight to keep families whole. The fight to stand up against evil (MLC). The fight to keep our health and our sanity. The fight against injustice. The fight for dignity. The fight for truth. The fight for honesty. The fight for LOVE!

As this battle rages on ... I do have hope. I have hope when I look into the eyes of my children. I have hope when I see them smile. I have hope when we hug. I have hope when I read y'all's great messages. I have hope when I see all of creation. I have hope when I get to wake up. I have hope when I see the CROSS.

I have hope. I have love. I am worthy and I can't wait to WIN!! Let's ROCK IT!



In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

BTW -I just feel tired. I fasted before and after treatment which I think helped me not get nauseated. Whew! Praying next week will go smooth. Thanks for asking y'all. AND THANK Y'ALL Sooo much for your thoughts and prayers. LOVE Y'ALL!

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vge - H was being completely unfair before your cancer returned; however now that it has returned I am sure he trying to process everything. I have watched married men run away from their wives when they got cancer, just when the Ws wanted them most. The Hs are running away from their own fears. Your H was already running away from his fears before your diagnosis, this is probably making him run harder.

Big hug for you. You are not alone. Time to focus on you and not worry what is happening with H.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

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Vge,

Google Heather Knies and brain cancer.

Knies has a few of her own theories for why she is still alive today.

"One, being God had a plan for me," said Knies. "I also had a great team of doctors and wonderful family and friends with a positive attitude."

"The mind is so much more powerful than anyone can imagine," she said. "People believe that when they get cancer, it will kill them. But I never once thought that."

God must have some amazing plans for you that the Devil is working so hard to stop you. Don't let him.

The Devil is a liar. Steady stream of positive messages.

This is your time. You can do this.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Vge - you sound stronger with each post even in the face of enormous challenges.

Thinking of you.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Hi all.

Well dejavu2 - My H did run before he found out that the cancer had returned and after he found out it returned - he didn't run any harder, he just doesn't care.

He really doesn't deal well with someone else in pain - stranger or family. My mom had once gone bicycling with our children and my H and she fell off the bike. He just held onto the bike and laughed at my mom. My children and a stranger had come to her aid as well as some park rangers. He just laughed and jokingly scolded her for not watching where she was going. After the attention from the strangers, he called me to come quickly and pick her up. He seemed concerned when he called and then only showed his concern when sooo many others were there.

All checked out okay and she recovered but her view of my H was of disappointment. Why didn't he help her initially?

So what does this say about H? Does he run away from pain cuz he doesn't know what to do with it? Probably.

I know that any time I cried or was upset - he would leave the room and not want to console me. Yet, the previous OW (the one who he had an affair with 5 yrs ago) wrote an email -back when he and I were reconciling -that said she missed him. She missed that he called her beautiful and kissed her when she was upset or crying?!
He never did that with me? And I was with him for over 20 yrs?!

Who does this stuff? I believe he's narcissistic.

"Narcissistic husbands are very often extremely controlling and manipulative. Withholding affection and attention is one way to control you, but they can also be verbally cruel and take pleasure from provoking you with hurtful words because they find it entertaining. Many narcissistic husbands are prone to ranges and tantrums, rather like a toddler. It is a form of attention seeking, and just like a spoiled child, any attention is good, even if it involves making you cry.

A refusal to accept responsibility is a classic trait of a narcissistic husband. No matter what goes wrong, it will never be their fault. They will be quick to blame you for their failures, even when the finger of blame is pointing squarely at them.

Many narcissistic husbands are also pathological liars. They will try and manipulate you with a complex web of lies and half truths. Their highly selective memory will filter out the truth and they will probably accuse you of being at fault. Narcissistic men will lie about everything in an attempt to justify their behavior, but if you dare to question their version of the truth, they will probably lash out in anger or come up with an even more absurd lie to explain away the inconsistencies in their story." - whatispsychology.net/narcissistic-husband-traits

My analysis but from what I read on these boards and from my situation this is who he is. Whether or not the cancer was a factor is not even an issue for him. Cuz to him - he was done.

Oh well - his loss! H may never really get it and that's ok. I don't need to worry about him. I do worry for my children. Don't want them to follow their Dad's way of dealing with life. Praying that the Lord will protect them - always!

God is good.all the time!!!

Thanks LoisB for the the great messages of hope. I CAN do this! GOOD thoughts and focus on the Lord!


In His Love

vge1

Romans 8:28

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You are a priceless treasure!

Keep up the good fight.

We can do this together


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M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Amen my friends!

Y'all are amazing!

Today was 2nd round chemo. So far ok. The benadryl they gave me really works. When I got home, I went for a mile and half walk in the sunshine. It was good. I helped my children finish their school work. Then showered, grabbed something to eat and feel good.

Praise God! Thank you everyone for your prayers. They help me so much. I know God has this! I will keep up the good fight.

BklyMom and 123Gwen Thank you for the good messages!


In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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Hey vge, you are a real inspiration, such a strong attitude.

His loss - well said!! You are handling all that is being thrown at you with such grace.

Glad to hear your feeling OK after chemo, it can take its toll on you so be especially kind to yourself right now. You are in my thoughts. (((hugs)))

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Originally Posted By: vge1
AWWW. LoisB you made me cry.

She made me cry too vge! (happy tears) Thank you Heather smile

Originally Posted By: vge1
We are all together in this fight

Yes we are - ALL of us together.

Originally Posted By: vge1
BTW -I just feel tired. I fasted before and after treatment which I think helped me not get nauseated. Whew! Praying next week will go smooth. Thanks for asking y'all. AND THANK Y'ALL Sooo much for your thoughts and prayers. LOVE Y'ALL!
Yes, have heard of fatigue - quite exhausting. Hope that next week will go smoothly for you too vge


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

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Originally Posted By: vge1
Today was 2nd round chemo. So far ok. The benadryl they gave me really works. When I got home, I went for a mile and half walk in the sunshine. It was good. I helped my children finish their school work. Then showered, grabbed something to eat and feel good.

Praise God! Thank you everyone for your prayers. They help me so much. I know God has this! I will keep up the good fight.
Just read this!!1 How wonderful vge! smile You can do this! Take care, p

Last edited by pbetra; 03/25/15 10:01 PM.

pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

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Hey, vge! You sound like you are doing well. You are so strong. I really admire that.

I just wanted to add that I could totally relate to your post about narcissistic husband. I did a little bit of research on it, and I have got to say, it moved me along a little more in the detachment area. Just a thought. Not that I want to spend much more time focusing on him, but once I had a better understanding, I focused more on recovering from it. Made me a little stronger.

What is most important is that you do focus on yourself. Whatever will keep you strong and healthy. Seems like you are honoring yourself in this way. Good for you. I hope your kids are well, too!

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Hi vge, I can relate to what you are going through. My GF went through the surgery and chemo for breast cancer, which also had metastases some. It was 5 years ago. I was there with her for 3 of her chemo treatments and the weekends after that. I witnessed firsthand all that she had to go through. She was divorced at the time and was a single Mom of an 8-year old. We had the support system for her on the website. A lot of her friends stepped up to help with the food and other stuff. She is doing great now!

I wish you to continue to fight the disease and stay strong. You are doing great. Sending you the positive thoughts. I’ve been thinking of you, even though I don’t post much.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Vge,

You are such a strong lady. I don't think you realize how amazingly strong and resilient you are in the midst of this storm. Praying for you each and every day.

Sending you hugs and healing thoughts.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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I can't believe you came home from chemo and went for a walk. That in itself is inspiring to me :-)


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Hi everyone.

THANKS for all the prayers and encouragement! Soooo appreciated!

Today, my H picked my children a bit later than expected. He told them that he had to be on the other side of town for a special fundraising walk for his employer and by the time it was over and he showered and changed it put him behind.

Wondering - why didn't he take our children? We love that kind of stuff. Anyway, he took them to their soccer and flag football games. Splitting duty with his mom.

Everything was cool. They all were fine with him being himself (his MLC weird self) tolerable. Then right before he dropped them off, he pulled the car over and said, "So, there will be some activities coming up soon with that lady".(he doesn't even call her by name. He just says that lady or his lady friend..

He told them that he'll give them notice and if they want to go then it's up to them. ????

Let me just say, I know he's moved on. I know in my heart that this marriage isn't going back. It's done.

My heart also knows that H will always be part of my life because of my children. SUX!

/But Seems like he's mad that our children really don't want to be around OW. Like you know, deal with it kids. I'm happy now so you should be too.

I said, maybe Daddy is just prepping you cuz maybe she'll be at your games when it's dad's weekend.

Probably the wrong thing to say cuz they became upset and saying they dont want to go with dad to their games if OW will be there.

Is the MLC'er really thinking that the OP is their happily ever after and the children just accept it?

What is OW thinking?Did she tell her own children that her boyfriend (my H) is still married?

I know she hasn't won any points from my children since they know when and how she entered into their parents marriage and especially into their dad's life.

UGH!
I'm frustrated cuz I have no idea what her name is, what she looks like and I KNOW she knows who I am. She must know everything about me through H FB (old timeline photos), plus internet shows name, address, age, relatives, EVERYTHING> I have nothing. I know I'll know soon enough but she could probably stare me down at the store or be my nurse at the Cancer treatment center or sit next to me at church (eew!) and I would have no idea. UGH!! UGH!!!

Ok. Done ranting.

My poor babies are really not happy with their dad. Me either.



No stress. No stress. No stress. OHM! OHM! OHHHHMMMM!!

Need to get to a happy place in my mind so I can be here for my beautiful babies.


Lord, help me!


On another note, energy good. Appetite not so much. Some hair loss. hmmm. was hoping to keep my hair through this. Wah!
Focusing on good energy! Focusing on the Cross! God is GOOD!


Y'all have a BLESSED PALM SUNDAY!!!

IN HIS LOVE

VGE1


Romans 8:28

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I'm happy to read that you are doing okay after several rounds of chemo. Your determination, attitude and faith are getting you thru this and I sincerely hope that your reaction to the chemo doesn't cause you much in the way of down time. However, if it does, call your friends and family for help. They will be more than happy to come around and help you out.

Yes, the mlcer thinks that he/she has found their soul mate and they do share a lot of "our" business w/them. We may not know much about them, but they sure do know a lot about us. Why? Because the op has a way about them, i.e., stroking the egos of the mlcers and they open up and cry about how awful we are and that we don't do this or that...little does the op know that much of what the mlcer shares w/them is not the truth. To the mlcer, we are the reason that they are so unhappy. In many cases, they affair down and the person that they become involved with is usually someone who is broken like themselves or someone who not in the same class as themselves. Some will affair up and become involved w/someone who may be wealthy, college educated and has a high powered position, etc., i.e., a stepping stone for them to move up socially. But, most of those that I have been around affair down so that they come across looking like the white knight who rescues the op from the life that they are currently living.

The mlcer doesn't care if the children like the op or not. They don't care how the children feel and will attempt to force them to meet and do things w/them. If that happens, the children will most likely not want to be around the op and will become very unhappy and find excuses for not wanting to do things w/the mlcer. The mlcer will then say we have poisoned the children's minds and that's why they don't want to be with them. That's not the case and the mlcer can't see beyond their noses as to why. It's called self absorption and entitlement. All they want is what makes them feel important and makes them look good.

Let me just say this...the op is a band aid to the broken mlcer. They are just someone "new" and when that newness wears off, the reality of life will creep in once again and the bills, work, etc., will hit them all over again.

The op doesn't care what people think about them or the situation because they are usually just as broken as the mlcer. The affair is new and exciting and if the affair is not known by others, the secret is even more of a high for them because they are doing something no one knows about.

Your h will always be a part of your life because you share your beautiful children w/him. There will always be events that you both will need to attend and hopefully the ow will remain in the background when those come around...but time will tell as to how that plays out and I wouldn't worry about it right now.

Please take care of yourself. Try not to allow the ow space in your head. She's really not worth it and I wouldn't worry too much about what she knows. Why? Because most of what she knows has been tainted by your h because he's seeing life through a vary narrow tunnel right now. You have nothing to prove to either of them.

I think you've been handling your situation w/class and dignity.

Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Vge - job is so right.

My boys really can't stand ow and she has outwardly voiced her dislike for them too. It has resulted in a her or us situation given by the boys which has put even more pressure on my h to keep things together. H told them that they are his priority and they are now saying "prove it". Your kids will make up their own minds - don't defend or slander your h actions or ow to them, it is for them to decide and your h to sort out. Your kids will remember how supportive and loving you are with them, that is what counts in all this - your actions.

Ow is the complete opposite of me - everything he does not like in a women - I suppose he thinks that if I was not "his one" then going for someone like me would achieve nothing. She is already starting to irritate him and they have only been living together a few months - vge, I am sure your h will find the same; that the grass is not greener - your marriage was based on love and history, his new relationship is based on lies and a false blinkered reality; how can it possibly last?

My h life is already falling apart, he has not found what he was looking for, he is unhappy and that is across the whole of his life (although he won't admit it) - his hates his new job, his relationship is not what he hoped it would be, he is in debt and he is losing his sons.

Everything will turn out as it should; whatever that may be.

Concentrate on getting yourself well again, strength and courage is on your side - and you are one gutsy lady vge.

My love, thoughts and prayers are with you.

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Hi all.
Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.
This week is a wk off of chemo. YAY!! I go back next week. Boo! It's 3 wks on with one wk off. So my energy is up but I really don't sleep. It's 5a and I haven't slept at all. I join my 3rd child in sleeplessness. Weird. I think the whole cancer thing scares my children. I lost all my hair and beginning some eyebrow loss. yuck!!!

I do wear a scarf around the house but put a wig on when we go out. I'm not comfortable with just a scarf outside. So hence the wig which looks very similar to my own hair. Though I did consider going bright pink wig - ;-)Trying to maintain normalcy otherwise. H hasn't seen me like this nor do I want him to.

On the MLC homefront. So my H had two good visits with the children this week. He kept the conversations light. He still mentions the OW as "her", "my friend", "that lady". Never mentions her by name. But one of my children happen to see his FB on one of the visits, when he showed them some picture or video that the OW posted and my child gave me a hint of a name. Then there I go... I just have kind of a first name and I begin searching all over the internet. No such luck. Ugh! I begin to thinks it's either a wrong name or an alias.

Then on the next visit, H mentions that OW owns a bar. So guess what I did...internet! Her name was nothing like what my children had mentioned. Nevertheless, Found her!

Turns out that H did mention this woman to me last year in passing conversation way before he left.

This is how he told me ... guess who I ran into at my job. I said who. He says, John Doe's wife. SO where is John Doe? Then H proceeds to tell me that he is in shock cuz John Doe died. I'm so shocked!! So I said, what was she doing at your job. (I never met her and only knew John Doe back then.) He said that he didn't know why she was there but she had her children with her. Hmmm! Wierd!? So I looked up John Doe and he had died and left behind a wife and 3 children (the obit even mentioned their exact names). John Doe died last Feb and I am assuming my H started talking to her then or maybe before. I dont know.

Now, John Doe used to be a coworker with my H about 15 yrs ago but then left the business to open a bar. And seemed to be doing very well. Hence, OW has cash to fund this new relationship.

I find out through FB that there was a day a few weeks ago that H called to reschedule our children's visit cuz his company gave him "a" basketball game ticket and he couldn't take all of the children. Guess what? He actually took OW and her kids!!!! UGH!

My mind is whirling around something I really shouldn't care about. But it bothers me to no end. This OW. This FB page she has doesn't show my H in recent pics but I found one of her and my H embracing each other (like front hugging)plus a few other pics at her Bday party back in January. UGH! UGH!!!

I start thinking, so he left cuz she owns a business and has money. Of course, He likes that. He hated the fact that we had to budget. He hated to be told no...we can't afford this or that. He also wanted to start a business, and now OW is saying she could help him open a business next to her bar and that our older children could work for him. He seemed to like that idea and proposed it to them. They said, they might think about it. (this bothers me too that he wants to be liked by them so badly) he paints a great picture. H still wants our youngest child to live with him because he keeps asking our child- do you want to live with me? Child responds - no. I want to live with both of you. :-( H doesn't like how our children really don't want to be with him. He knows this. Remember, he said that his reputation means everything to him. He wants people to see him as a great guy, a great dad, a great Christian. Appearances matter...thanks FB. (sarcasm)

It makes me sad. So sad. I pray that I am not jealous or envious of this OW. I dont want my children to be swooned by her either. Cuz, H brought Easter baskets that included candy and $25 gift card for each one of the children. I know she's trying to be "nice" as I think that if I dated someone, I would want them to be nice to my children too. Just that, this OW has a tainted reputation already. Children know H left me for her. Not good!

He's involved himself in her life and her kids lives. They just lost their dad last year and some of her posts are how sad they are, how difficult it is this Feb to mark the anniversary of his death. Then I think again, was she involved with my H before her H died? When did my H and this OW hook up? Why does it matter? Why am I thinking about this?

If I go to the store, I'll know what she and her kiddos look like now so, that's kind of a relief. I won't be so paranoid looking around. But at the same time, what if I run into her at the gym, a restaurant, church...will I, or should I talk to her?

Any whoo...I just wanted to vent this out. I know I shouldn't worry about anything he's doing but this bothers me a lot!!!I'm just ranting. Ranting, ranting, ranting. saying nothing but what I'm sad about. So sad. I have so much pressure rght now, all I can do is cry. Crying that he left. Crying that I am in a club that I don't want to belong to.

I want to concentrate on my health and my children but I keep getting this MLC'er interruptions. Y'all ... I need words of wisdom. i've been praying and don't want to obsess over this cuz it won't help anyone. Especially my health.

What do y'all say? I just want peace in my spirit. This isn't giving me peace at all. Knowing who she is does help but now what?

Thinking of when did they talk? what does she say? Is she in a hurry to replace her H so that her kids have a dad? Why does this bother me? Is this an affair up? She's the sugar mama that my H has always kinda wanted.

I don't know ... Lord help me! Help me navigate these feelings. Please don't let me distracted by this stuff. vent

Thanks for letting me vent. Now I'll go to bed. Just wondering what's next.

Thanks again y'all for this great forum and sounding board even when I don't make any sense.

In His love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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I don't have time to post right now but VGE, NO MORE FACEBOOK!

You got the info about who she is...now step away.

I'm sure your children are terrified right now. You obsessing about OW won't help them any.

Calm and quiet...focus on the good stuff. What's your plan for today? How will you celebrate yourself and comfort yourself today?

P.S. I know the incredible internal pressure "To know who she is, what they have, etc..." Just know it's not what you imagine. :-)


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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I'm glad you posted an update about your health. I'm sure you are happy to have a week off the chemo. I'm sorry about your hair, but as they always say, it will grow back. Wear the wig when you go out if that makes you feel comfortable. You are a warrior fighting for her life and you know what? People don't notice as much when we walk around bald. People are showing others that they are fighting cancer and it's a good reminder that we all need to take care of ourselves and be there for those who are going through this terrible ordeal.

As for Facebook. You can't always believe what you see here. A lot of times its just bragging and wanting affirmation for what they are saying. If people are truly as happy as they say they are, they wouldn't need to announce it to the world. Try to refrain from visiting that page again. It's trash, as far as I'm concerned.

As for your h and this ow, it's something new. She has the money to spend on him and when the well is dry and the bills pour in, things will change. Right now, he's using her, just as much as she's using him. She's grieving and he's her white knight. He's playing the dutiful friend, trying to help her out and that relationship isn't built on love, it's built on propping each up right now. Eventually the house built on lies will shake and the sands of time will shift the foundation until it falls. I wouldn't worry about her because she's truly nothing to worry about in the grand scheme of things. YOU are important and YOUR children are important right now. Getting your strength and health back are important so that you can live your life to the fullest and watch your children grow up to be successful individuals.

You are a wonderful mother and your children love you dearly. They are worried about you and know you need as much love and support as possible. When you feel like it, do some things w/the children, even if it's just taking a walk or reading a story...but get them involved in some activities w/you.

Don't be too hard on yourself. We all have gone down the path of wanting to know what the other person has that we don't. What attracted our spouses to them? Who are they, etc.? Bottom line, they are just new and if it hadn't been that person, it would have been someone else who is needy and needs a white knight to rescue them. It's him that is broken and can't find the proper glue to put himself back together again. But, for now, he is riding on the great wave of rescue. It will eventually get old.

Please take care of yourself. YOU are a very valuable person not only to yourself and your children, but to everyone you come into contact with. Never doubt your worth. You are the prize!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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^^^^^^^^^^^That says it all^^^^^^^^^^^^^

For all of us. I came back to post to you Vge and read Job's post and...there's nothing more to say.

That post^^^^Could be the last and only post ever on this board and it would provide comfort and direction to those here.

-Don't believe what you see. It's called masked depression for a reason. Teenagers rarely show their inner turmoil and insecurities--unless they feel cornered/broken
-Don't be too hard on yourself.
-Spend time with your kids even if you can only muster short bursts of undivided attention
-Trust that the OP will eventually get old and real-(like all humans do)
-Take care of yourself. Know your value. Never doubt your worth.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Hey Vge – glad you are getting a break from your gruelling chemo regime. So sorry you are losing your hair, I know it affects how you feel about yourself – I have alopecia and wear a scarf; I tried the wig route but I did not feel confident in one, but I do have a hair piece that I wear for special occasions. Losing your hair does not define who you are, be proud of yourself, you are beautiful.

Is there counselling/help available to your children to help them understand what you are going through and what things are happening to you? It may help them be less scared of what is going on.

Job said it all; stop f/b stalking – yes that is what it is vge – I put my hand up and say, yep I wanted to know everything about her– but you know what, all it has done is show me what a damaged person she is and that made me upset to think he swapped me for that! The internet, in particular f/b is not your friend right now; now you know, step away and leave well alone. You are perfectly normal in wanting to know about her, but where does it stop – you’re obsessing about bumping in to her, you will drive yourself crazy if you start to play scenarios in your head …what if …what if …what if …. Vge , you have enough going on in your world, without adding your h’s world in to the mix. Stop and take a deep breath …for your sanity :o)

This journey you are on is a long and hard one, made even harder by the fact you don’t understand what the heck just happened to your h and m. It’s a horrible process that LBS have to go through and on top of that you are having a battle with your health – vge, you are doing incredibly well, I am in awe of your strength and resilience. I bow down to the beautiful goddess that is vge :o)

Keep going forwards my friend ((hugs))

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Forgot to add - there are some beautiful wigs out there, go have fun with this. Different styles and colours, there are so many to choose from, maybe they will give you inspiration for when your hair grows back :o)

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Thank you so much for these words of wisdom. It's sooo what I needed.

job, you are so right. THANK YOU!

LoisB..I have stepped away from FB. Thank you!

LouR...Sorry to hear about the alopecia. It's tough. Hair is so defining and you don't realize it til it's gone. I miss my workout ponytail and wearing a baseball cap. I know it'll come back but I just miss it. I do have a prescription to go buy a wig and maybe I'll venture into being a blonde ;-)


As it turns out, I know for sure that she is the opposite of who I am as a person. That's what he wants right now. It just pains me for my children. I need to stop running through the what if's. Thanks for that LouR.

My children are scheduled to see the counselor again this week. Now they look forward to it because they have so much emotional stuff going on that I know they need that outlet. I am thinking of going to the counselor too cuz I don't know what to do with all these emotions either.

Today, my children had their weekend with their dad. He picks them up on Sat and Sun just for the day.I don't put a time limit so it's up to him when to pick them up and drop them off. So far Sunday's are the sticky point because of where he wants to go to church and have the OP around and my children not wanting to go to his church nor be around "her".

So today, he took our children out then there was another scheduling conflict with their games so he had his mom split the time. However, at our younger children's games, "OW" showed up with her daughter and her cheerleading squad and dropped off her youngest son with my husband. That was so off putting for my children.But my children don't say anything.

Then, as my H took our children back to his parent's house (where I think he's still living), our oldest child noticed that his truck wasn't there. To which, OW youngest son replied, "it's at my house."

Our two older children mentioned that H now has a tattoo that matches one that OW has.It's on his wrist under his watch. My oldest child called him out on it and said, you have a tattoo? H seemed embarrassed and said that it's a tattoo that fades cuz according to my H, the tattoo artist said that the ink he used is for people who don't want to fully commit to it or are in a temporary relationship. ???? Okkaaayy??!

Then they all went out to eat dinner (including her child) and child kept asking for money to play video games at this restaurant. My MIL and FIL had joined them for dinner and child asked them over and over for money too. H finally gave him money and some to our children too. Our second oldest child asked why did he give into the child's request. H responded that all her (OW) children are spoiled. So my children noticed that he's doing the same thing.

My children came home a little earlier than I expected and my oldest texted my H to ask what time was he picking them up tomorrow? H replied 9am and for all of them to be dressed extra nice for church plus take casual clothes for later. My oldest texted him back ...we don't want to go to OW's oldest son's first communion, if that's what you're planning. Then H text back..then I'll pick y'all up earlier and drop y'all off at 1p so that y'all don't have to go.

My oldest shared all this with me after everything and I asked each of my children if they wanted to go and they all were upset that he was going to take them to this thing with the OW without asking if they wanted to go.. cuz a few wks ago H said he would give them a choice. So much for that. UGH!! These lies are getting annoying.

He's really trying to push for them to all be together with her and her children sooo badly. So this makes me think that he's probably been dating her since last yr around this time. In essence, to him, it's time they should be around his GF. But to my children, they still feel like he left yesterday, so they really don't want to be rushed into accepting his GF. I just listen to my children. I told them that it's ok with me if they are around OW with their dad but if they don't want to be around her that they can tell their dad how they feel. I know H will be upset cuz he is soo tired of waiting for them to feel comfortable. He just thinks that they are taking so long to accept this. He tells them that he loves and misses them very much and wants them to call him anytime. Which, they don't want to.. He really thinks that because he's "happy" that they should be happy. WEIRD!!! Who is he?


Anyway, thanks again for letting me vent and rant. It's so nice to hear affirming words from y'all.

I will continue to pray for my children. I will continue to pray for my H and this OW that truth be revealed and that the scales be removed from their eyes. Praying for myself for wisdom too.:-)

I pray for all of you too. May God touch each one of you with HIS healing touch and love.

In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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Hi vge -

Unfortunately I don't have any pearls of wisdom regarding your children, h and ow relationship - Its going to be hard for you and your children; this is uncharted waters for you all, I think you are negotiating them exceedingly well.

I know only too well how hard it is to hear about all the things your h is doing and who with, its like a twist of a knife in your heart each time. Remember that he is a kid let loose in a candy store, he is eating as many different variety of sweets as possible - but we all know how that ends ....one very sick child ....

Vge, you are one gutsy lady, you are dealing with so much right now, so give yourself a break and allow yourself to feel what you feel and know its OK.

Hugs to you, stay strong and stay positive that you will both find your way through the maze.


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VGE - I am going to hop on the bandwagon with Lou and send you healing thoughts. You are being determined and faithful under incredibly difficult circumstances.

Your faith is rock steady and your children see that. You are showing them so much by your actions. I know when you first came to this board you were so scared but know I read your posts and I sense a courage that will help you survive this awful time in your life.

As always keeping you in prayer. Stay strong and know you have so many people interceding on your behalf. {{{hugs}}}


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Hi all.
Well, drama continues. UGH!!!!

I went for chemo last week but my white blood cell count was too low so I skipped. Yay! But I went to today...boo! So far the treatment is okay. I am okay. Praise God! I do get a little tired here and there and don't have many taste buds. No metal tastes, no mouth sores, and no neuropathy...praise God! My oncologists is very happy with my progress.

I met with my atty yesterday. I was soo nervous since I hadn't really met with her since I filed my counter petition last December. I felt I was going to the principal's office. I didn't know what to expect. I was dreading it. So when I showed up, I was nervous and anxious.

She calmed my fears. I know she's on my side and she wanted to know everything about my current health situation. I revealed that it's stage IV cancer. I told her that my H doesn't know it's stage IV cuz I told him it was stage III. She said that he needs to know the truth. So I agreed to that and she would inform his atty who would inform my H. After 3 hrs in her office $$$$, I have a lot to think about. I have to make the morbid plans. I have to plan. It's so scary yet I know very necessary. I have to plan for my children's future in case anything happens to me. I still pray for a miracle. I told her that I didn't want my H to know the real diagnosis cuz I didn't want him to "dance on my grave" and I know that whatever he knows, he tells his parents, who will probably help him fight for custody of our children.

It's come down to that. Once my H found out about the stage IV, he said that he wants our children until "I get better". I replied to my atty that I am very willing and capable of caring for our children. I am NOT dying. I have an excellent oncologist who has given me an excellent prognosis. I will beat this cancer. I will live a long time. My children are my life line. I had also read that it is a bad idea to remove children from a parent while they are fighting a disease because that causes greater anxiety for the children. They want to be there and make sure all is okay.

I especially know this is true when my child, who really doesn't sleep well, keeps checking in on me throughout the night wanting to make sure I'm okay. And when I went out of town to get more medical opinions, my children were so worried. That's why when the same medical treatment was recommended as my local oncologist had recommended, I chose to stay here. That way, I can be present for my children. It helps me heal too. I love waking up and seeing their smiling faces and having great big hugs. They are my life!

So, my H also wrote that I am controlling especially in our finances. I have always done our finances and when a major expense would come up, we'd talk about it. Well, since this separation, there have been two instances that the debit card didn't go through. They both were when my H had to go to the doctor. One time, I told him to try the cc, which worked but this recent time it was a large amount for his optometrist appt and glasses. I knew he was going to go sometime cuz he told me his glasses had broken and he thought he needed a new prescription. I didn't know when he was planning this. So the money was not available on the debit card but it was in our joint bill paying acct. If I had known, I would've transferred the funds for this appt. So he was so upset. As I understand, I would be too. He threatened to cancel the direct deposit of his paycheck and take control of the finances.

I explained to my atty that he has just as much access to our accts as I do. I use the debit card and checks for our bills. His direct deposit comes in and I pay for all the household; food, clothing, shelter. I don't prohibit his spending. Although I did ask him to cut back on the eating out. Just because he left, doesn't create another $1000 for eating out and entertainment. He did adhere to a budget for one month then he started spending more. Sometimes for himself but mostly for the boys. I know he must be making money somewhere else because the children have noticed new clothes and he really hadn't mentioned needing money for himself. He explains that he buys stuff at a thrift store. (with cash from where?? cuz it isn't through the cc or dc)

At the beginning of this drama it was, "you can have everything. I don't need anything." Then it was "I want half" and he came to take more stuff and took half of the items in the garage (2 days before Christmas). Now, it's "I want the kids, I want more stuff, and I want all the money."

On another note, my atty told his atty to prevent that OW and her children from being around my children. Since it hinders the the chemo from working since the children stress, it causes me to stress too. H said that it was just happenstance that the OW children and OW were around my children. But will do his best to avoid it. H says that his family is witness that my children and the OW children get along and play and don't show or express discomfort. I said, they don't express it to anyone and want to tell him but then H gets upset and defensive. I know that these two worlds will intertwine eventually but my children really aren't ready for that no matter how much he thinks that they're fine and well adjusted. Why would my children tell his parents how they really feel? His parents will only defend their son and wonder why my children feel different. I know my inlaws and my H.... they think I tell the children how to feel. I DON'T. I just tell them it's okay to feel whatever they're feeling. Feelings aren't right or wrong and they do change. If they feel angry or sad, it's okay just don't hurt yourself or others nor bottle it up. Please either, talk about it with a priest, a counselor, talk to me or a friend. If they feel happy, share it too with everyone. If they're uncomfortable then express it. I don't want them to feel stifled because it will then manifest into other ways.

I pray for their emotional, mental, physical and spiritual well being. I pray God will continue to show them HIS grace and mercy. My poor babies. It's not their fault. They are just trying to cope with everything. It's not resiliency, it's survival!

So much for destressing. I continue to pray for my H. I don't know who he is. I don't wish him harm. I don't want this to get ugly. I want to move on with my life too. I especially need our children to be well, safe, protected and comfortable. Lord help us!

As much as I want this D to be over, I need to heal and all this stuff isn't helping. I cried in the atty's office and said that I don't worry about the cancer. I just keep being pushed and stressed by my H about our children. This D is constantly in my face.

I need a job. I don't want that to be put over me either. It's weird, some people (inlaws and H) say that every wife should work to "help out financially". But yet, some people (inlaws and H) will want a parent to raise the children 100% of the time. So which is it? I stayed home and was raising our children (which we both agreed) and H worked. I think my children have benefited from this arrangement in our family. It's okay to work or not if given choices and opportunities. Now, where do I go? If I work, will my Inlaws and H might use that against me? If I stay home, they are already counting on me not being here. I'm sure they're planning for custody, especially with this new info. If my H has our children would he stop working? or would he leave our children at my in-laws?

UGH!!!
UGH!!!
UGH!!!

Sorry for this Huge RANT! I don't know whether I want to cry or punch a pillow. I am so disappointed and saddened. I love my children so much. LORD help me!

Thanks for the prayers and thank you so much for this board. Y'all are so wise. Praying for y'all too since I know I'm not the only one dealing with junk.

In His Love

vge1

Romans 8:28

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Vge1

I understand some of your turmoil. I was getting chemo treatments earlier this year. In the middle of battling my illness (auto-immune disease called Scleroderma) my husband left me. Talk about adding stress to an already stressful situation. My children are my life line as well.
I send you my prayers! Take care of yourself!


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vge, you sound so amazing despite everything you are going through. You are an inspiration. Your children will continue to give you strength as you sill so the same for them.

My xh did the same thing with offering the world and it changed, changed, and changed again. And, my xh came and cleared out the shed, too. First things he took were the tools and things my parents got. I didn't bite. Didn't fall for it, as I see you aren't either. I knew they were replaceable. And he was doing it out of anger. I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of engaging.

He is a big boy and can figure out the account situation. Chances are, he will direct any frustrations towards you, because... well... because its what happens. Projection! But, just know that it has nothing to do with you and don't take any of it personally. I wouldn't even acknowledge it; you have bigger things to focus on. You and your kids.

Keep going, vge. Your attitude, faith, and determination will take you the distance.

I keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong!

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Thank you Diane45 and Mighty. Sorry to hear y'all have your h and xh make you deal with their issues. So frustrating dealing with this.

I know he's acting out of anger. He is a big boy and he can figure stuff out too. Just irks me that he's acting so bizzaro.

I appreciate y'all's thoughts and prayers so much. I believe God will work EVERYTHING out for the good.

Luv y'all. Prayers and thoughts for y'all too.

In His Love
vge1



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Oh Vge, so sorry to hear things are not going so good for you.

I always think how level headed you are, especially with all that you are dealing with, I am in awe of your strength and resilience.

I don't have any great advise or insights for you as my story is a bit different from yours, but I do want you to know that I offer my support to you in any way I can. At the end of the day we are all here because our h/w have unexpectedly walked away from us, leaving us to pick ourselves up, mend our broken hearts and begin moving forwards in the hope one day we will be at peace with ourselves again. We are all in this together.

At some point Vge you are going to have to deal with the prospect of finding a job, but for now concentrate on getting yourself well again and looking after your children, everything will fall into place when it needs to.

I do hope you have a better end to your week. Keep us updated.

(((hugs)) to you vge.

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I am so very sorry that he's still carrying on the way that he is. However, I am glad that you finally advised your lawyer of the true status of your cancer. She's in your corner and will fight for you the best way that she can. Don't be afraid to share things w/her when you do meet w/her.

As long as you are feeling okay and can take care of your children, then they should stay there w/you. If they aren't w/you, it will create a lot of stress and anxiety for them because they know and love their mom who is having a difficult time.

Your h is always going to find something to complain about because it's the nature of the beast. I know his constant complaining gets to you, but do try to let it go as much as possible. Vge, he could have a pot of gold and he still wouldn't be happy. You could say the sky is blue and he would swear that you are wrong and that it's black. Nothing you say or do at this time will be correct, so you need to let it go. Continue being the wonderful person that you are and let him fester in his sorry little world. He's not happy, but that's not your fault.

They all tell us that we can everything at the beginning, but as time goes by, it's then half and then a third or you'll get nothing. They tell us what we want to hear so that they can escape w/o hearing us beg and/or please. It's their mantra and it changes minute by minute.

As for a job, yes, you do need a job, but w/the chemo, it might be best to wait until you are through the sessions. You don't want to start a job and then have to take a leave of absence because of feeling ill. Your job right now is to take care of YOU. This is the most important fight of your life and your focus and energy has to be on taking care of you.

Vge, God has a way of taking care of things. He may not always give you what you want, but he does provide you w/what you need. Right now, your need is to focus on you and your children. Allow your lawyer to fight for you and to heck w/your h and his selfish self.

Sending you lots of love and positive thoughts today.


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Thinking of you Vge.

You mention the oncologist says your prognosis is good. What does the oncologist suggest, besides the chemo? I'm thinking your doc hasn't suggested getting a job :-)

Praying hard for you and your kids.


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Thanks everyone.
I know it will all work out. Even when dealing with my alien H.

I continue to heal physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually through the grace of God.

I look forward to reading y'all's insights because they help me so much to just see things in a new perspective. Sometimes I just need that as I'm sure y'all do to.

Y'all are really a true blessing. All will be good. I know it will. Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers.

Just praying for my husband and inlaws. I pray that they speak words of love, hope, mercy, and blessing towards me and my children. I know i can't control them so I pray the Lord continues to protect me and my children.

I am sorry that we all have these stories but believe we are here to help one another. I continue to pray for all you. May God continue to use y'all to help others and bless you and your families.

Believe!

In His Love

vge1

Romans 8:28 - Everything will work out for the good!!!!

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Just stopping by to say how strong you are being and wise too. This must be incredibly hard to stay focused on your health right now. I am glad you are working with your attorney and your physicians so you can get through this challenging period as quickly as possible.

VGE - sending you support and prayers. {{{hugs}}}


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VGE,

You are a strong, classy lady and when I read your sitch, I am simply amazed by your grace. I do hope you are feeling well and taking care of yourself. Your h is really something. And I'll leave it at that:)

Sending you positive thoughts!

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Vge, sending you might positive thoughts and support. I agree with others here, you are an incredibly strong woman and you will get through this. You are showing such a grace in all of this. I believe in Karma. I think your H will reap what he’s sowed.


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vge, just seeing how you are.

I continue to hope & pray for you. Pls avoid the stress you do have control over (eg. FB, any other).

I am really in 'awe' smirk when I read of the indifference that mlc-ers exhibit. He will get what he *'deserves' eventually - he would. I'm not wishing that of course (my mother taught me well > he who laughs 1st, laughs last! - so I know not to think that way. life is very, very strange that way).

[*I have no other vocabulary/ or grammatical structure to express what I want at the moment! It's not happening grin lol - tired I guess].

Anyway, the point is I am not being callous re your h. It's just that, that's something they don't think of themselves! Their 'relationship' is not authentic - it will unfold in ways that they cannot anticipate right now. He & 'Ms. Doe's' R is an illusion right now - & illusions are just that.

Your challenge is to source methods to insulate yourself from his toxic nature right now. To find solutions for your unique sitch to make it WORK FOR YOU. And b/c of that I will have you in my thoughts. You can do this - surround yourself with good people vge. Your family & support ... prepare what you have to.

I hope that many years from now, we would all still be communicating and in a much better place emotionally, & talking about the 'not so good old days & how we tried so hard ... & made it! smile


pbetra
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BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
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Hi Vge,

I've been wondering how you are doing too.

How goes it?

I'm sure you are tired. If there's anything we can do, please let us know. I'd be happy to post quotes/messages if all you can do is read them right now because of fatigue.

Much love,

Heather


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"Sister, you are on an assignment and you can't quit. You may feel like giving up. You aren't here on accident. God has given you an assignment. He ordained you should be here. You can't quit. You can't give up. You have to hold on.

"You may not like it. Many times where God takes us, it's not comfortable, but we can't quit."

Ruth Verse 16-18...for whither thou goest, I will go. Thy people shall by My people...

Steadfastly following Ruth, following God.

"If I go with God, I have to go no matter what happens. Allow God to empower you. Your circumstances may not change, but God will change YOU and will give you the strength in the belly of your soul. Whatever I have to suffer, I will follow. In the assignment there is some heartache...but, when you understand...this is an assignment."

Bishop Ernestine Reems


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

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Hello my friends.

Y'all are so amazing! So blessed to "know" y'all. Your prayers, thoughts, support and great advice continue to help me along this path. I truly pray for each one of you since we're all on this journey.

So, first. Treatment is going well. PRAISE BE TO GOD!! The Lord is so merciful and extremely gracious. My oncologist is very happy with the progress. This week is my off week and I am scheduled for a CT scan next week. PRAYING for good results. I don't sleep very well but trying to rest when I can. My energy and appetite are good. I've lost about 8 lbs since starting treatment in March and I think that's ok. I really don't want to lose too much weight cuz that'll make me prone to infection. Nutrition is key to healing so I really try to eat. Of course, it doesn't help when you have no taste buds so adding spices makes it better.

H still weird. He went to the beach with OW & her kids along with some other friends this past wknd. H really wanted our children to go but they all said no. H tried to sell the idea by saying that the hotel/resort has water slides and that the OW spent $1000 for them to have a separate suite while she and her children would be in another suite. Well, the minute our children knew OW was going to be there they said no.

I even asked our children that if they wanted to go - that it would be okay.I am really trying not to dissuade them from spending time with their dad even if the OW is around. They are the ones trying to dictate the relationship since they really aren't very young children...they do voice their opinion with reservation. H gets upset but so far hasn't forced them.

On a new note, someone has come into my life again. 23 years ago, I had a long term relationship that ended when he decided grass was greener over there. I was heartbroken but we were young and not married. I forgave him a long time ago and he did try to become friends a few months after our breakup but I didn't reciprocate out of respect for his new relationship. I never saw him with hate nor did I resent him. So in essence, we hadn't spoken or seen one another in 23 years!

Anyway, we have a mutual friend and she asked me if it was ok that he have my number since he asked. This was many months ago right after my H filed for D. But new guy (NG) never called until this week because his father died so NG came into town. His whole family lives here and NG lives 3000 miles away. NG knows about the cancer and my impending D. He's divorced too. I felt okay seeing NG cuz I have no expectations and really see him as a long lost friend. We talked as if no time had passed. However, he later disclosed to me that he should've married me a long time ago. He kept saying how all his friends and his parents have told him that I was the best girl he'd ever dated and that we should've been married. He even said that he'll wait for the D to be final and that no matter what I do that he won't be scared away. He wants stability, marriage, family and the cancer doesn't scare him. He says he won't let me go again. Hmmm???!!!

I didn't know what to do with this information. It kinda feels good to hear that an ex comes back only to say that they shoulda married you and that u were the best thing that ever happened to them. I liked that. But I know this NG is a different person from the one I dated a long time ago as I am a new person too. I am still fresh on this D path. But who knows. Maybe this NG or really Old guy is just to keep me from stressing out so that I can feel good about myself from a male perspective. I miss that. I miss a guy hug from a guy who honestly cares about me.

I don't know if he's sincere. I don't know him as a liar and feel that he's lived a single life, a married life and now that he's older and single again - no MLC, I think he has a better sense of who he is and what he wants.

I am just rambling but this is therapeutic to write down. Thanks for listening everybody. I guess after writing this out, I do want him as a part of my life... he's a "nerdy" type and I think he could mentor my children in that sense. NG is an intellectual and my H is more creative, artistic, hands on type of guy. I haven't told my children about NG because I feel I am still married, and I am not dating him. I don't think that it would be wise to bring him in right now. NG isn't pushing anything either. He's kinda just in the wings. We just met once for dinner and have talked on the phone a few times. If NG wants to be a part of the ride, he better hold on cuz it's rough.

I just hope that my children will be open to this in due time. So far, they've told me that I should date now so that I could be happy. I tell my children that I don't need someone else in my life to be happy. I am happy with or without a life partner/husband. I am happy because God makes me happy - a deep joy is a better sense of happiness. My children are an extra blessing. :-) Just like having a husband/life partner would be an extra blessing too.

maybe this NG/OG is just for this week. Maybe this will be for a few months. My love for my H is not the same. It's lost. It's not there. That is so sad to write and my heart hurts for him but my life doesn't depend on him. This NG and my love for him is different. Only because I know we are different people with different experiences and we have to get to know one another again. It's a young love .. you know you never forget your first love.

Y'all don't worry. I am not jumping into a new R yet. I pray for wisdom and discernment. I pray for favor. I pray for healing for me and my children. I pray for my H - to wake up from this MLC fog.
I pray for this NG/OG - I hope he's genuine in wanting a friendship or whatever.

Okay - enough of the emotional rambling. I'm open to y'all's wisdom.

Thank you LoisB, pbetra, Georgiabelle, BrightFuture and 123Gwen...for the prayers, encouragement and support. Love to y'all.

In His Love

vge1

Romans 8:28

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Oh My Goodness !!! So much has happened in the life of vge -

First off - so happy that the treatment is going well, I am keeping everything crossed for you for the scan - you sound positive and that is brilliant, hold on to that. Keeping as healthy as possible is vital right now, so really try to eat well, I appreciate its hard as nothing tastes right and you really don't feel like it but its a part of beating this cancer and you my lady are doing fantastically well.

Your kids know how they feel. As long as you are not putting things into their heads about your h and ow then you can stand back knowing your conscience is clear. Its up to your h to sort things out with them, not you. Your doing great with them.

Well Well Well - you little tinker you ha ha. You know what I think .... Get yourself well again and then once you are fighting fit and d - (I sense getting d is important to you, which is totally understandable.) see how you feel about NG.

Some of the strongest relationships are born from being great friends first, so take this slow and please whatever you do don't lead him on, be upfront and honest - he sounds like he is an understanding G. Meanwhile enjoy the attention and don't take it too seriously and take this time in getting to know him again.

I don't want to rain on your parade - however you are going through a lot; your emotions are all over the place; so many changes are happening right now - so be careful as to what you are feeling is "real" before you act.

vge, you are an inspiration -

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Lou has given you some very wise advice about your emotions being all over the place right now. Enjoy the NG's support for the time being and when you are stronger and divorced, then you can explore what comes next w/him.

I'm very happy to read that the treatments are going well. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, especially with the scan coming up.

As for the children and the ow, they feel what they feel and no amount of money is going to change that. I agree w/Lou, this is something that your h will need to figure out w/the children. It may or may not ever happen, but that's not for you to worry about.

Keep focusing on you and fighting the cancer. Take care of yourself!


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Originally Posted By: vge1
Hello my friends.
... So, first. Treatment is going well. PRAISE BE TO GOD!! The Lord is so merciful and extremely gracious. My oncologist is very happy with the progress.

THIS IS WONDERFUL news. You've done it before ... keep going vge

Originally Posted By: vge1
H still weird.

Yup, he will be. Has no respect for the wishes of others - even the kids! He is struggling internally & therfore would be extremely selfish & self serving ( I have a 'gem' wink here myself)

Originally Posted By: vge1
On a new note, someone has come into my life again.

This could 'work out' ... eventually! grin The others are right though re: emotional stuff right now. It is 'tempting, 'feel good stuff' I know ... feels like 'therapy' in its own way!!!

I am all for casting your net & increasing your SOCIAL contacts (even beneficial re: aging well). However, you need to give yourself a little more time - esp. where a more complex sitch, by it's very nature, may become 'part of the emotional equation.' Don't add even more to the dynamic just yet - try to streamline & simplify first. It will work out if it is to be. smile (((vge)))


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
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This is good news. God is good.

I am so pleased for you.


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Hi everybody.

Thank you for the sage advice. Definitely taken, appreciated and considered. :-)

I received results of my latest CT Scan - The chemo is working!!!! Yippee!! I was really worried (though I shouldn't be) that I would have to switch the chemo. I don't want them to change it cuz so far, I feel okay and don't have any of the other side effects so I was praying that it was working. However, my platelets were high and my WBC and RBC counts too low so another week of no therapy so my blood corrects itself.
Just wanting this cancer to be gone and I want to be healthy!

As far as the NG/OG no worries everybody. He and I had lunch on the day he was flying back to his hm. We were light in conversation for a while until I started to get him to really think about what he wants for the future. I wasn't talking about "us" cuz that's not what's happening right now. He knows very well that I am in the middle of weirdville with H. NG and I have spoken a few times since he went back hm but nothing serious. Just friendly conversations. So y'all don't worry.

On the other hand - H - UGH!!!! Really! Breathe!

The last time I spoke to my atty - she said I wouldn't have to worry about OW cuz my atty and H atty said I don't need the stress. Well, that lasted like a nano second.

Next week my H is taking our children to the beach with OW and her children and some of their friends. My children and I feel so beaten down. H is soo persistent. It's like he just throws a tantrum and we get tired so then we give in. UGH!! UGH!! UGH!

Three of my children kinda agreed to the beach thing since they figure they really don't need to be around OW, they could just enjoy the beach. However, my youngest said no - not going. Well, I told my children that it really has to be a consensus, otherwise it's a no. But none of us want to deal with H attitude and tantrum, so our youngest is being convinced (coerced) practically everyday that this beach thing will be happening for all of them. Poor thing - really has no say. :-(

H uses our oldest child as the messenger. I said that dad should be talking to me so please let "dad" know that he needs to go through me to check dates, times, arrangements, etc.

Last week, H called and said he'd pick up the children on Sat then drive to the beach early Sun and return Mon afternoon. I asked where would our children be staying on Sat since they're not leaving til sun.
H said, "they'll be staying with us." I asked "where?"
H said, at OW home. (In my mind, I'm flipping out!)
I said, No cuz the order says the children can't be spending the night at OW hm. I suggested my in-laws hm or H could keep children late Sat and pick up super early on Sun.

H NOT HAPPY! H says, "it's always something."

I told H that I know he cares about OW but he's not considering our children's feelings. H denied that he's not considering them. I told H that if children are upset - H get's upset. If children or I say no - H gets upset. If children uncomfortable - H gets upset. It's like we all are walking on eggshells so he won't be mad.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I ask my children if they are uncomfortable or whatever, to tell dad cuz if they only tell me, then it seems that I'm telling my children how to feel. Which I am not~ I just want their feelings to be considered. Especially now..with so many things going on.

H has this attitude that we should all get over it and get used to him being with OW. My children are frustrated.

Counseling is going ok. They seem to get some of the stuff off their chest but really want to know what to tell their dad when he keeps giving them a guilt trip.

UGH!!!! Right now two of my children are starting to lie - a lot small stuff but nonetheless - lie! I am frustrated that they would resort to this tactic with me. I'm on their side and yet they feel compelled to pull this junk like their dad. It hurts.

I truly hope my children can learn to deal with this...I know they'll be okay but worry about the impact of their dad's actions. Praying for their protection and healing.

Thank you for listening to my rant. And Thanks again for those beautiful thoughts, prayers and support. Y'all are amazing! A true blessing! May God protect your families and bless y'all beyond measure!

In His Love,

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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Just to add.
Today was my youngest's bday. So H takes our child to OW hm so that H could change since he had just come from work. Our child tells H - please dont have OW or her kids around on my bday. H responds that OW & her family are not bad people. Child reiterates discomfort and states again no OW or her kids. H doesn't listen.
H had OW and her kids with my child all day! My child tells me that this bday sucked.

When H dropped off our child back hm - H was driving OW's vehicle with OW and her kids in the car. GRRRR!!!

I was sooo mad that H brings OW to MY house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SOOOO MAD that my child had spend a birthday that was just supposed to be with dad now H snd OW are "a family"? already? without a final divorce paper???

My child wasn't happy but what do we do. I vented to a friend cuz I really don't know what to do now. Just let it slide? What difference would speaking up make.
I'm telling you ....tantrum=he gets what he wants. I want to tell H that it was completely unacceptable what he did to our child. And I can already hear him say that we all need to get over it and just get used to it. GRRRR!

Anyway - feeling frustrated, upset, and lost. Giving this to GOD cuz I don't know what to do with it. It's too much.

Lord help me! Help me to be there for my children. Help me to do and say the right thing. I pray for wisdom and protection.

In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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Hey vge, I’m so glad to hear that the chemo is working! Yay! Keeping you in my thoughts.

I agree on the point that your children need to tell their dad how they feel. I cannot believe your H’s actions though. What an @ss hole! I'm sure that it will come back to haunt him.

I don’t know how old your children are and what the state laws are. Don’t the older once have a say in any of these? Also, if they go to counseling, can their therapist influence what your H can and cannot do? Don’t their feelings count?

vge, hang in there. Stay strong… For you and your children. Sending you lots of love and positive feelings.


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Hi Vge - great news re the chemo, I am so happy for you. Sending you more positive thoughts and prayers for your next round. You are a fighter Vge, Girl Power Ka-Pow!

Originally Posted By: vge1
However, my youngest said no - not going. Well, I told my children that it really has to be a consensus, otherwise it's a no.


Can I ask why it had to be a consensus - giving your youngest an ultimatum "its all or nothing" came from you, making you the one pressuring h/s into going to do something with their d they are not comfortable with - h/s will remember this. I know trying to remain neutral is hard especially when you are up against an evident jackass, however its vital if you are to keep a good relationship with your kids; you really are doing well with them. Your 17 & 16yr old are certainly old enough to communicate with your h on their own, I believe your younger ones are 9 & now 8 - can their therapist help them with communicating their feelings to your h directly?
(sorry if I have got the ages incorrect )

I am so sorry your y did not have a good b/day - I know it's not quite the same but can you have do -over, have a 2nd birthday (Like the Queen of UK, she has 2). I know just how you feel - my sx2 celebrated their 18th and 21st this year and their dad was supposed to take them out for a few beers (especially s18, buy his first "legal" beer) but instead he took them out with ow and her kids for a meal. I missed out on two important milestones to her - so GRRRRRRR away, I am right there with ya !!

As for her coming to the house - hmmm, well not a lot you can do about that, its just inconsideration on your h part. Remember that you don't know what your h has told ow, she is just a clueless pawn in his crazy - I mean, if you think about it, either she does not know the truth about his leaving or she is unhinged herself; to think it's ok to hook up with a married man - so either way (or maybe its both), don't give her the space in your head, she is sooooooo not worth it.

Vge, you are doing really well, this is a minefield which comes with no map of where the bombs are - you are negotiating it with grace, everytime you hit one, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going. Your one true amazing lady grin

((hugs)) to you and your kids



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VGE - so good to read your posts and hear how you are doing. I am inspired by you because you keep fighting and praying and focusing on your health and children. Your situation comes with some extra challenges and I can't imagine having to deal with a H who seems especially cruel in his choices right now.

Focus on you and your children. Know you have lots of people cheering you on and praying for your complete and swift recovery. Make the decisions you can from a place of love and let the rest of it be settled some other time.

You are doing great VGE. {{{hugs}}}


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Hi everyone.

I've been catching up on some of y'all's posts and it helps to read how y'all are so strong. I pray I can be that courageous.

I am scheduled for treatment this wk since last wk i was off. then I have a bone scan on Wed and praying all goes well. Feeling hopeful in spite of the MLC drama. Thank you all of your thoughts and prayers...I so appreciate it.

So here's the catch up.

1) Three of my children went with H & OW & her kids to the beach over the Memorial Day wknd. Youngest didn't want to go since "dad" messed up his bday by spending it with him, OW & her kids. DS8 was so upset.

2) H had asked to have them stay the nite on Sat so they could just go to the beach on Sun and rtrn on Mon. I asked where would they be staying. H said that the children would be spending the nite with him at OW's hm. I said no cuz the orders say no spending the nite with a paramour. H said, "Ugh, it's always something." I also asked what the arrangements were at the beach. H said that he and our children would be in one suite and OW and her kids in another suite.
Of course that was a lie. Children said that all kids on roll out beds and H & OW in their own rm. UGH!

3) My children said they mostly stayed at the beach while OW & H were by the pool. The report of this wknd went to FIL & MIL that the children had fun and have accepted OW. ??Umm.... no.

Then... My wknd was May 30th but H called cuz he wanted our children for half the day on Sat. so that he could take them to a movie at the IMAX (of course with OW & her kids). I said ok cuz on June 6 even though it was his wknd, I needed them bk hm by noon because it was DS16 confirmation into the Catholic church and all the boys needed to get ready. H agreed.

On Tues, during their dad's visit, DS16 told H that he didn't want him at his confirmation to which my H replied that he would be there cuz he's his dad. But DS16 told him, "well, mom is your wife and you didn't want her at your confirmation and she respected your wishes." H and DS16 both upset.

On Wed, our oldest DS18 said that DS16 didn't want to be part of that visit. So it was just three of my sons without DS16. H was upset but told DS18 he didn't know why DS16 was so mad. DS18 responded to defend his brother by restating DS16's wishes. H doesn't listen. H said, "confirmation is a sacrament and doesn't it say honor thy father?!" DS18 said, "yes, it is a sacrament. but when you got confirmed last Nov, you told your wife not to be there but then your girlfriend was there." H said, "well, she wasn't my gf at the time."

Umm. isn't marriage a sacrament? Isn't another commandment not to commit adultery and not to lie either. My DS18 was so stressed out cuz H just deflects from truth. DS18 felt so much pressure and anxiety. He's the voice for all his brothers even though H doesn't listen. It was such a bad thing. H has no respect for any of us. He just does what he wants regardless of what we think or feel.

Anyway, so on Sat, H picked them up (in OW's vehicle with her and her son in it at my house again)...and took our children to breakfast. They dropped off my children at noon but I was returning from the store and as they were driving away, I was driving up.

H asked my oldest , "where's mom?" DS18 replied in front of OW, "I think she's getting her nails done." UGH!!

I showed my son that I didn't get my nails done, that I had instead gone to the store. I asked my DS18 not to tell dad stuff like getting my nails done especially in front of OW cuz then he's gonna report that I am frivolously spending money. (which I don't!)

So I text H, "thank you for dropping the boys off in time. I was driving up as y'all were driving away. and Just for the record, I wasn't getting my nails done, I was at the store getting a dress shirt and shoes for our sons."

At the confirmation, we don't think H showed up but we don't know. It's a large church so, we're not sure. I even told and showed my SIL (DS's) godparents that my nails weren't done (witness). Otherwise it was a beautiful ceremony and I am so happy and blessed that my son is now "official". :-)

This evening, I text H to ask a quick question, "do you want me to get a six flags pass for you cuz I am getting the passes for the boys and the deal ends today to get a free pkg pass."
I waited an hour then I text again but to his wrk ph.

20 minutes later, he text bk, "vge1, we are not together anymore. I don't need you to get passes, oil change coupons or anything for me."

I repsonded, "H, I know we're not together anymore. That's not what this is about. I don't appreciate the tone either. I was simply asking a question. A simple no would have sufficed."

H - "NO"

Thanks for taking time to read this long update.

His TM and his actions sting. They hurt. I know this stuff shouldn't bother me anymore but it does. He's stupid and mean. I figured that since it was a family pkg of passes (not including me) and since we aren't D yet, all the monies are still coming from the same source. what would it hurt to get the passes with him included.

Why does he have to bring OW to my hm. To My space.

He also encouraged OW to join our YMCA. (Ummm. like no other gym exists!!??!!). I was walking through the gym when I saw H and OW working out. UGH! He saw me. I waved. He waved. SO weird and uncomfortable.

What's he trying to gain? Why is he pushing buttons? I am not responding - I am holding my tongue cuz I don't know what or how to speak my mind.

Can y'all give me some insight? Needing encouragement.

On another note, counselor wants to do a family session with
H and children. But three of my children still don't want him there because they know that if H is there, that he'll probably play along and say what they want to hear but then when he gets them alone, he'll get defensive, turn words around, and give them a guilt trip. He'll also tell his mother(from his perception) about how the children ganged up on him. We know him too well. It won't go as the counselor is planning.

I just see how this is a manipulative game.
My friends tell me to be a b****. I don't know how. I don't have the words.

I'm battling for my life and my family and having this MLC ding dong isn't helping the stress nor his relationship with the boys.

Advise appreciated. Luv y'all!!

In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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Good luck this week! I know you are very concerned about the bone scan and what it will say...but keep positive and have faith. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and pray that you will get some good news.

As for your children, the more your children complain about being around the ow and her kids, the more he's going to try to push her off on them. He wants to make it appear that everyone is on board w/the situation and is one big happy family even when it's not.

Your h has a lot of issues and one of them is guilt and shame for what he's done to you and his family. When you are nice to him, he can't take it because he knows what he is doing is very wrong. He thinks because you were inquiring about the passes that you were trying to remind him of being together and we, of course, understand that the family passes are far cheaper than the regular ones in the long run. I wouldn't worry too much about him and his issues. Your children are speaking up, i.e., loud and clear about things and that has to hit below the belt w/him at times.

As for him bringing the ow to your home, I know you are trying to keep the peace, but you may need to set a boundary and ask that she not be brought there. I do think he's trying to make a point to show you that he's moved on...but he's going about it the wrong way and her presence at your home is disrespectful.

You are handling your situation w/such grace and dignity. Stay the course, but try to keep the focus on you right now.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Vge, Good Luck for Wednesday, I will be thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts for a good result. You have responded to treatment well so far so stay positive - you so deserve a break.

Originally Posted By: vge1
H asked my oldest , "where's mom?" DS18 replied in front of OW, "I think she's getting her nails done." UGH!!

I showed my son that I didn't get my nails done, that I had instead gone to the store. I asked my DS18 not to tell dad stuff like getting my nails done especially in front of OW cuz then he's gonna report that I am frivolously spending money. (which I don't!)


I don't feel it matters whether you did or didn't get your nails done - its nothing to do with your h or ow what you do, he has made it perfectly clear that you are not together, which means that you are free to do as you please ....just as your h is doing. Vge - If having your nails done would make YOU feel good about YOU then don't feel guilty. ATM your h does not feel guilty about what he does or spends, you are suffering whilst he is having his fun - time to get the focus back on you and inject a little enjoyment into your life, especially while going through treatment; whatever makes you feel good about yourself do it.

I know its really hard and everything that your h does and says has an affect on you, but try to feel it and then let it go otherwise you will end up stuck focusing on the crapola he is sending your way and not on yourself and your kids.

Your kids will be ok, they are doing great, keep being their stability and calm and they will find their own level with h. This is his situation to own and work out with them.

You are an amazingly strong gutsy lady vge, you can do this and I have no doubt you will come out the other side.

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Quote:
What's he trying to gain? Why is he pushing buttons? I am not responding - I am holding my tongue cuz I don't know what or how to speak my mind.

Quote:
I just see how this is a manipulative game.
My friends tell me to be a b****. I don't know how. I don't have the words.


Seems to me you're doing well. Not returning what he's dishing out. But I think Job is right - you may need to set some boundaries. Is it manipulative? Yes. He's trying to rationalize his behavior. He's trying to push your buttons. Why? Instinctively, he may know that it's the easiest way to manipulate you. That's just speculation, but it is one way to get people to do what you want - invoke emotion.

That's why we stress the detachment. smile

You have enough on your plate - don't buy into the games. Just don't. But there are appropriate times to voice your boundaries and healthy ways for you to do so. Whether he listens or not. And I suspect it's important to your own well-being and growth to do so. So no need to put it off, right?

As for the kids. I know when I was in that situation, I wouldn't play. Well, very little. Why? Because it was better for my kids if I didn't. OM, new friends, etc. I let the kids forge their own relationship with their mother and make up their own minds regarding the OM. I don't control their lives like that, rather I was there to help them. Took a lot of stress of them and me in the process. The games continued for a very long time. Pretty much until it OM thought I should tell my kids I didn't love them in an email where he cc'd the kids.

They knew and know. No more to be done there.

I think your kids already know what's what. There's nothing to do there. The only thing left is to protect them as best you can and help them deal with what he's doing. As Lou mentioned, keep being their stability. They won't forget that and what it does for them and over time they'll let you know.

The awkwardness will wear off. Be you and let him and OW worry about being around you. I can't imagine a normal person being ok with that without feeling guilty, awkward, and like a low-life. That's for them to deal with.

You have a lot on your plate. Deal with that and let the wing-nuts do what they do without worrying about it. You'll be glad you did.

Oh and this?
Quote:
I showed my son that I didn't get my nails done, that I had instead gone to the store. I asked my DS18 not to tell dad stuff like getting my nails done especially in front of OW cuz then he's gonna report that I am frivolously spending money. (which I don't!)
Don't ever feel like you need to do that again. As long as your kids know you're there for them, let the idea of justifying your whereabouts or worrying about how you look to OW and H fall to the wayside. That's a pointless endeavor.

Peace,

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
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Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Thanks job, LouR and AJM.

I so appreciate the sage advice. I know the plate is full and he just wants to add to it. Umm.. no. I don't want any more stuff. I know God will work everything out for the good. My children know his angle. They don't like it but say nothing.

Sooo, I spoke to my atty today. Kinda filled her in on h drama. I said I want this D done. I dont want any more of this stuff over my head. I feel that once things are down on paper that it gives us the boundaries on paper at least.

My atty said that his atty called her to say that H wants to withdraw the suit. ??? H told his atty that he doesn't have any money for a mediator either.

My atty said that we are not withdrawing the suit so that H can keep living this life. I told atty that if he started this D...I'll finish. I don't want this emotional roller coaster. I want to move on so that I don't need to answer to him about anything (incl getting my nails done).

I was thinking that my H is really a piece of work. I know he has money. I know he wants this D done. But I think that by withdrawing the suit..he just wants me to be mad enough to complete it or he's waiting for me to die. Not gonna happen.

I am trying to focus on healing. I plan on being here for a long time. Just trying so hard to stay the course.

Thank you all for your prayers. I'll keep y'all posted. Love and prayers to all of you my beautiful friends. Y'all are a real blessing. God bless.

In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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VGE,

You received such sage advice from others that I really have nothing to add other than I do hope you focus on your healing. I think you are doing a wonderful job handling foolishness with grace and you seem like a fantastic mom.

Hang in there:)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
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Thank you Georgiabelle.
I so appreciate all of you. I appreciate the advice because I know we are all in the same boat (rocking boat).

Today is our 21st wedding anniversary. SAD..

On Monday - it was my H bday. (and OW's youngest son too - another weird coincidence)

My DS11 and DS9 called to say happy bday. My DS18 text me to ask if he should call or text H regarding the bday. I said that it was completely up to him. He can call or text or whatever he feels he wants to do.

When I got home, I asked my DS18 and DS16 if they had spoken to their dad. DS18 just said he text - "Just wanted to say Happy Birthday." H responded "Thanks!!"

DS16 didn't call or text him - nor did I.

I'm sure this information was conveyed to my MIL, SIL, FIL and their whole family that one of our sons and I didn't say Happy Birthday. It's another thing against us. I know it wouldn't have mattered if I had said anything. He doesn't care. If anything, he might think that I am still longing for him. YUCK! But it matters that my DS16 didn't say or text anything. It'll probably come up later.

On Tuesday, H picked up the boys and took them to OW home and they did a small building project. H never mentioned anything to DS16 about the lack of birthday wishes. (Whew!) Then during the time of the visit, he sent OW to our church to pickup our oldest DS18 from a mtg. cuz H was busy watching our other boys, her kids and her kids friends. So I think he's trying to get my oldest son to bond with OW since DS18 is the one my H thinks dictates how the other boys see or accept her. My DS18 said he felt uncomfortable. She just talked about how our church was the place she and her late husband renewed their wedding vows but they stopped going there when some parishioners asked her to take some classes at the church. I don't know what she's talking about but now she and her kids go to another Catholic church. My DS18 just nodded. He said he didn't want to talk with her cuz then she'll mention to H that they got along or whatever. UGH!!!!! I'm not liking this.

Then the boys said they had dinner at her house. And though it shouldn't matter...I asked if they prayed together before the meal. They did. To me...this is important. I shouldn't have asked cuz I figured but it just hurts. I find my faith is SOOO important and even though I shouldn't judge, it's hard not to see that it's a false life. Lord HELP ME!!

Anyway, these things bother me. Why am I giving them (H and OW) head space? Why? They don't deserve it. Lord help me!

Today, I took the boys to the counselor. I mentioned that H wanted to withdraw the suit and counselor suggested that maybe he's looking at $$$ for child support and alimony. Maybe he wants custody?! I hope not!!

The things seem petty as I write them down but they bother me. I'm not pleased with myself that these things bother me. I don't want to feel like this. It's not an inner peace. I'm hoping that once D is finalized that I can feel detached. Then it shouldn't matter what they do with H or OW as long as they are okay then I should be okay. Right?

Prayers to all as these dramas continue. Love y'all.

In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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My mantra during this time: "Let go or be dragged"

The best thing you can do for your health is to just let go - of him, of her, of wondering what's going on over there, of trying to get into his head, of worrying about them. Not your circus, not your monkeys. You've got a life to live and not a second more of it should be wasted on him.

Quote:
I mentioned that H wanted to withdraw the suit and counselor suggested that maybe he's looking at $$$ for child support and alimony


Probably he has figured out it is to his advantage to drag his feet. Perhaps his attorney has informed him that he would have to pay more in child support and alimony than he is currently spending? Perhaps he is thinking either you will A) get well, in which case he can get a better settlement in court, or B) you will die from your illness, in which case he doesn't have to give a dime to anybody!

Think about it - if you divorce now, then whatever assets you win in the divorce, would pass down to your children in the event of your death. If you were to pass before a divorce is finalized - he keeps everything in HIS hands.

I'd be thinking about pushing the divorce forward just to preserve $$$ for the kids in the event of a tragedy, but you also have to think about what is best for YOUR healing right now. If the stress of the divorce will be too much, wait. If you want to go through with it - do so, you don't need his permission. And although I know you are religious, he has been the one who broke this marriage apart, not you. You can even legally divorce but remain faithful to your vows if that's what you choose. (I wouldn't, but having been raised Catholic, I understand how some might.). Just do whatever most protects you and the kids financially right now.

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Thanks kml.
I agree that I need to let go. Now!

I'm having a rough day - emotionally.

H pickedup the boys, (her vehicle - her & her kids in it.)to go see a movie. H missed his visit on Wed cuz of work but I consider this to be a makeup day.

It was hard.

OW had gotten out of her vehicle to put something in the trunk and I guess just seeing her a little closer -hurt.

I am feeling so betrayed right now.

Need some advice.

About 2 wks ago, I mentioned to my SIL that their cousin text me everyday with words of encouragement and how she and her mom (H aunt) are praying for me all the time. However, I found out that this cousin is also texting the OW with same kind of prayers and stuff. ???

Then seems like right after I said that this bothered me to my SIL, the texts stopped. Weird.

I also found out from a former coworker of my MIL (who happens to be my good friend's sister) that my MIL would tell everyone at her work that I was the crazy one. She bashed my character and integrity with lies. I always figured that my MIL would gossip about me. The coworker said she was always shocked that MIL would say these things since I've known this friend since high school and she knows that I am not how MIL said I was. MIL continues to gossip based on all the stuff my H has told her (lies). She tells everyone so many lies. And the problem is that this town feels smaller and I feel like that everyone I meet or know is on H's side. Believing his version. Though I have no proof - it still feels like that.

I feel betrayed on so many levels - SIL, MIL, extended family, friends. The pain is so unbelievable. As if H's betrayal isn't enough. I am mad at myself for being bothered. I don't want this to bother me. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want them to have this control over me and I know I am letting it. UGH!

I should focus on my health and especially my children but how do I stop being bothered by this stuff. I shouldn't care what these people think or say since it's a jaded portrait of me. I know the truth and who I am. Though I am not perfect, I do have real feelings and I am a happy proud mother to my beautiful children.

Thanks for listening. Praying for DIVINE protection, wisdom, healing and mercy. Thank you for your continued prayers. Blessings to all of you for being so strong and wise. :-)

In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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Hi,V!

I am glad you are doing well, health wise.

I know how you feel about the other stuff. I can tell you to let it go, let it go, don't think about them, but I know it can also seem uncontrollable.

So, I guess the best thing is to find a way for you to put it in perspective. Knowing that nothing you say or do will change their behavior.

For me, it makes me crazy hearing about the communication between xh and my kids. I assert myself as un-phased, but inside... I'm dying.

But honestly, I do whatever I can now- not to know. However, it is more difficult your you since your kids are around the nonsense. I feel for you with that.

All I can think is that it may be easiest to just not even think about it. It is clear that your kids have to work through this... and they struggle, which is normal. But, know, they will see things that you won't even realize. But, they will work it out, one way or another.

Find some peace in knowing that whatever happens with your kids and them, it will not tarnish your r with them. You are their mom and nothing/no one will ever come between that.

I'm so sorry that your in-laws are being difficult. I am also sorry that you are feeling that everyone is supporting their r. That is very difficult. Although my sitch is different, I also feel that everyone supports xh and hww's new family like it is good news. Again, I know it's different, and you have your health to deal with, but I know the horrific feeling. I feel like I am being gaslighted by the world- that they don't see how screwed up this is... and I have to suck it up.

But, I have to have faith, that people really see through it. It's just they don't have enough invested to say something to them, but I'm sure there are whispers. In both of our sitches. I am sure people have compassion, even when we don't know. And, they really aren't that invested, anyway.

Gossip is gossip, and for your MIL to participate, well... that speaks volumes on HER. And, I was raised Catholic, and what they are doing isn't so... Catholic. So.. let them say what they want. You know deep down what's important. What's right. What's good.

You will be OK.

I am sure you are familiar with the bible, V. I read more and more of it. I have become more familiar with it over the past months. I will be honest, I didn't know it very well. But, I do find a lot of comfort in it. And, use it to empower you, V. In those times of distress, in the times of hearing what others say, in the times of dealing with h & ow... find those verses which will help you. Which will keep things in perspective. Give you strength, peace...

You need to focus on you, V. You will find, that when you ask less about them, keep them out of your thoughts, avoid them... You will find more peace and strength.

You need that. Don't ask about him. It will be difficult at first, but you will find that it will help. And trust your kids. They will have to figure it out, regardless. But, they will eventually start to come to you more, bc they will feel you aren't discussing it from an emotional place. But they will be able to sort it out. Trust it, V.

I don't mean to be pushy saying what will work. I'm sorry if that's how I'm coming across. It is just something that worked for me. And I am dealing with some of the same emotions in a different, yet similar sitch. Whatever works for you, I pray for you and that you will find it.

Keep your head up! You can do this. It WILL get easier. That's coming from someone who had a hard time getting there... as I still continue my journey there. I'm looking for a permanent residency there!

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Thank you Mighty.

I admire your strength. All of y'all on these boards are amazing. I feel encouraged that all will be okay. I know God has this and I should give it ALL to the Lord cuz I can't control H or OW or In-laws. So hard to let go of the emotional ties.

Thank you for the prayers and great support. Prayers being lifted for y'all too.

In His Love,

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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Hi everyone.

Good news (health wise).. got my bone scan results - HEALING!! So the chemo and drug regime is working. Praise God!! I am so grateful for the Lord's mercy and especially for y'all's thoughts and prayers. Praying this cancer goes away so that I can live a life to glorify the Lord through my testimony and my children. And...my DS18 passed his drivers test. Yay! New driver - but ugh - more money for the auto insurance - yikes!

Bad news - my H is mean. His paycheck was deposited as usual but then he withdrew half the entire balance. So, I am scrambling to cover checks and the mortgage payment ad other items that are automatically paid once the paycheck hits.

I text him this lengthy text (first I consulted my atty who said I should call him- um no) I needed half of what he took out cuz he never talked to me about what items are needing to be paid or have been paid. I hope he gives it back. Praying!

I have not prohibited access to funds nor has he since it's in the temporary orders but now since he's about to go on vacation (again) with the OW and her kids (plus their friends) to Florida, I guess he wants the cash.

So now it's official. I am freaking out financially. Here I am in the middle of treatment, no job yet, and divorce not final and I am freaking out! I know the Lord will provide. I know that I was blessed to have monies to run the household for this long but this is scary.

I don't know who he is. No warning signs of what is about to come next. He's prepping for what? Is the new woman prompting him?

I know he doesn't deserve the head space. I should focus on my health, my children and my God. How?

How do y'all do it?

I keep saying how much I admire y'all because I mean it. Y'all are so strong and courageous.

Lord help me. I need wisdom, courage, discernment and strength.
In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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Hi VGE, it is great news about your health. Praise God Who heals!

I am so sorry for you about your H taking money out of the account, so that he an go have his fun. Try and keep these things in perspective. Your health is so much more important than paying this month's bills.

I know how stressful paying bills can be. But your H's cruelty? There's little that you can do about that. I don't know what your Court Orders say, but if your H has violated them, an attorney might be able to get an emergency order before he takes off on his vacation.

Numbers 6:24-26 right back at you.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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I'm happy to read that your bone scan indicates that you are healing and fighting the war on your illness.

As for your h, there's nothing you can do about his behavior, but your lawyer can contact his lawyer about the funds. Since the children live in the home, those "unpaid" expenses will affect their living conditions if the mortgage, electric, water, etc. aren't paid. I honestly do not think that any contact w/your h about the funds will guilt him enough to put the money back into the account.

Instruct your lawyer to take this matter to his lawyer. Do not put this off.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Vge,

That's wonderful news!! I really needed to hear a miracle today. YOU are the miracle. :-)

Yeah, I don't get why your atty didn't take this like a dog with a bone? Take it from someone who spent years having to contact my crazy h for money. You do NOT want to start that ball rolling and set that precedent.

Your atty should handle this one ASAP without you having to lift a finger. This is a no brainer and it will suck your energy again. Remember? NO STRESS.

It's working!


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Thank you Wet, job and LoisB. Yes - NO STRESS NEEDED!

I appreciate your wisdom. I have tried to contact my lawyer since 7a via text then calls. I don't know what she's doing cuz she sent me a text last night that her dad was in the hospital. So, I don't know when she'll get to me.

But I am freaking out. H just not even thinking.
I agree that I can't guilt trip him to give the money back but I ask the Lord to help my H be merciful.
right now, H is just full of resentment and anger towards me.??? I have done nothing to fight him about visitations or money.

I'm sure he has so many people (esp. g/f, his parents) giving him advice. Especially his dad probably telling him that he deserves half of what's in the bank acct. Ummm...that bank acct is fluid so it's not an accurate half.

UGH! Anyway,

Lord I need wisdom and protection. Lord help me and my children! Will keep y'all posted on the ride.


In His Love,

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Continue to call your lawyer's office and advise the receptionist that this is an urgent matter and if your lawyer is going to be out of the office, do they have someone else there that can assist you.

You also need to start a new thread. This one is going to lock pretty soon.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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