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Hi Vge1. I just got caught up on your story. I am so sorry to hear the battle you are fighting and my prayers are with you. From what I read, you are a strong woman and have the right mindset. You know what you need to do, for your own survival, but it's not easy. Especially when our kids are involved.

It amazes me over and over how selfish MLCr's can be, and your H is up their high on my list. Unfortunately, it sounds like your wishes are falling on deaf ears. It doesn't sound like he is going to have much compassion in regards to the children being around OW, so I figure it's time to take some control of the situation, at least what you can control. I also can't believe the way this woman is behaving being aware of the situation, seems to me to be a very low class twit of a person.

So is there anything legally you can do? Or, I hate to say it, but maybe limit the time the kids are with him? If he can't honor this simple request, then they shouldn't be around him. I hate to see what our kids have to deal with, it always breaks my heart.

Please take care of yourself and do whatever it takes to bring you to a happy place.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Vge,

I believe God chooses challenging, insurmountable situations to prove He exists.

If I stub my toe and live to tell the story, well, few people will become convinced God exists. The cynic won't be convinced by that pathetic turnaround.

However, if I survive cancer with a wayward, selfish husband, no insurance of my own, children who need me and a series of other unfortunate, challenging obstacles...well...God is making a situation where even the most cynical will be hard pressed to say HE doesn't exist.

You have been chosen. I don't know why. I DO know that HE must feel you are up to this challenge if HE chose you. You must be pretty amazing for God to choose you for this incredible challenge.

Yes. I wish HE would stop choosing us for such hard circumstances. I don't get it.

But, I guess you can't have a testimony without a test. You can't show HIS majesty and power without really SHOWING HIS majesty and power.

Moses just had a stick. David just had a rock.

I believe you will be ok and conquer this situation. You are a conqueror and you have been chosen to illustrate HIS POWER.

Go kick the Devil's a$$. :-)


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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VGE,

I'm so terribly sorry you are going through this. Please focus on your health. Sending positive thoughts and hugs to you and your kids.

I know I'm supposed to feel compassion for your h, but I just can't muster any energy on him other than this one line.

We are here for you!



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Awww. Y'all are sooo amazing.

Thanks to all of you on this forum, I get encouraged and hopeful. It sure helps to read the great votes of confidence.

The enemy has NO power in any shape or form!!

Luv to all of you. God is good - all the time!

In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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More drama.
I received an email from my atty tonight that says:

FIL has contacted (by email)his nephew (a prominent atty former judge) to attack my character and speed up this divorce. I'm soo hurt.

This nephew corresponded with my H's atty and had a lengthy phone conversation with my H based on that email. So, FIL says I'm over protective and controlling of my children and that they are brainwashed. FIL even said that he and others are willing to testify and that my H should seek sole custody. He says children are fine and have adjusted well with this situation?!

H told that cousin that our marriage has been bad since yr 2. UMMM - we've been married 20 years and have 4 beautiful children. So it's been bad that whole time.

Our D has been on hold because of the cancer. I don't have a job yet -I'm looking but I don't know what the treatment will do to me. So I am trying to be particular for a career not a just a job cuz I need insurance and a good income to not rely on him.

Anyway, his atty was on board with mine until today. He wants to move forward asap and just put me on COBRA.

I am at a loss for words. My heart keeps breaking. More stress I don't need. His family totally betraying me and my children.

The enemy is trying hard to destroy everything. My marriage, my health and now my family.

All I feel is pain, betrayal, hurt and disappointment. My children seem fine to him and his family because they love them and what would they say anyway. They come home and cry. I see it everyday. I have no words other than I love you and God loves you and it's not your fault.

They are sooooo sad. I'm sooo sad too. Now how do they go over to where there dad is living and their grandparents and not be inundated with questions about their schooling and their well being. They'll try to corner them to interrogate them - that's how they are. Even if you say "fine" they will take it as how they want to see it. It may be "fine" with a tone of sadness but they just hear "fine" as in - oh you are good.

They have always opposed homeschooling and me staying home. They have always told my H that I should work and the children go to public school. My inlaws have even asked my children academic questions (no other relatives children nor their other grandchildren --public school) to see if they're learning anything.

My H portrayed himself as an unhappy person in a bad marriage and that he loves and supports our children. He said they are well adjusted and seem fine. H also said that he's there to help me during this treatment. So the cousin says that H doesn't seem insensitive and that the D shouldn't be on hold.

Lord help me!!


In His love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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I am so sorry that this is all going down right now. First, contact your lawyer and seek spousal support and to try to remain on his insurance because of a pre-existent medical issue. You are in no condition, especially w/chemo, to hold down a job right now. Second, speak to the counselor when you take your children there and see what they suggest, i.e., as to documentation of how the children are handling the situation.

As for being unhappy since year two...then explain a 20 year marriage and 4 beautiful children? That is the mlc script spewing from his lying lips. He is going to do anything and everything to make himself look like a victim. Shame on him for being such an @ss during this time of serious illness. They lack empathy and this is so tragic in so many ways.

But, I want you to know that we are all here for you and will do everything we can to listen, offer advice and support, but vge, you've got to think of you and your children at this time and you've got to ask for what is rightfully yours because you are going to need monetary support in the days and months ahead, not only for yourself, but your children. You've got to put your business hat on and tell your lawyer that you want him to fight for you and that you are unable to work, especially when it comes to doing the chemo. This is not an excuse, but an honest to goodness necessity that you have this time to heal.

God is here to help/guide us, but he also wants us to help ourselves. So, pick up that phone or email your lawyer and advise him it's time to get very serious about this situation and you need all of the legal support he can provide to you.

Please take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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VGE - Job is absolutely correct. Please, please treat this battle as a business negotiation. Get your attorney to act swiftly to preserve your rights, document everything you can in writing. Keep a journal with dates and events. Work with your counselor and get them in your corner. If you can show the counselor your focus is on your children and your health that shouldn't be an issue.

This is a battle and the only way to defeat the evil in your family is to attack it methodically and with everything you've got. Right now you must be organized and businesslike to accomplish your goals. This is critical VGE. Prayer always has a place but God needs you to take charge and show him you will fight and be resolute.

The emotions can be dealt with after you've done everything you can to survive this situation with your children. Do not doubt yourself and do not depend on your husband to be reasonable.

Be strong and be fierce. You can do this VGE


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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As for the insurance issue - you can COBRA your coverage for three years after a divorce, and thanks to Obamacare, you can buy insurance after that without concerns about pre-existing conditions (Thanks you Obama! He saved my butt).

I think your ex should have to pay your COBRA payment since he is divorcing you in the middle of a severe medical crisis. Also spousal support should reflect the fact that you will be disabled during your chemo treatment (seriously, who is going to hire you while you are puking your way through chemotherapy???). Your ex is stupid for pushing the divorce right now, he'd be better off once you are through treatment and able to work, but then, we already know he's an idiot.

As for the idea of divorce itself - you need to let it go. Trying to hang on and fight the (possibly) inevitable is only going to make YOU sicker. Let go or be dragged. Plus, if you divorce NOW, you can preserve your share of marital assets for your kids in your will. If you happened to get hit by a truck before the divorce is final, all those assets go to your H, and who knows how he'll waste them on OW.

And ignore all the ridiculous nonsense. No, he didn't stay with you for 20 years and make 4 kids because he was miserable in the marriage - they always rewrite history. And YOU know the benefits your kids got from homeschooling, the in-laws opinion doesn't matter a bit. (Btw, do the in-laws even know about your recent stage 4 cancer diagnosis? If they do, they are despicable people - but then again, it's likely your H hasn't told them.)

He doesn't want full custody, he's just trying to use the threat to get you to go through with the divorce. Throw him off guard - let him know you're more than happy to divorce him ASAP if he agrees to your terms.

I'm pretty sure if you end up in court, the judge is gonna look kindly on a homemaker with stage 4 cancer.

As for visitation - it's rotten that your ex is being so insensitive. Nonetheless - you need to figure out a way to facilitate his relationship with the kids. One reason is so that he can't pull that "parental alienation" crap on you (as if his affair isn't reason enough for the kids to be alienated from him!). The other reason is because, if you don't so well (although I believe you will) he IS their other parent and it will be easier on them if they have maintained some kind of relationship with him.

As for keeping them from the OW - that's a losing battle in the long run. You might get an order for now but once the divorce goes through, they'll still be exposed to her. So pick your battles. In fact, if they have to be around her and are nasty to her as a result, it might scotch the relationship between H and OW altogether! lol (Watch the movie She DEvil with Roseanne Barr if you want to have a good laugh about this).

Don't fight the divorce, just fight for the best financial deal for you and your kids. If he's so hot to get divorced, you may have your best shot at a good agreement now.

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Well...
1) I'd rather not switch insurance providers unless I begin working that offers insurance. Prefer to stay away from national healthcare if possible.

2) I have let him know that the divorce is just going to have to wait. I know that hanging on is stressful but I'm just confused about what to do. Let him off the hook.It may not be that ez. I hope to talk to my lawyer soon depending how my treatment is progressing.

3) He continues to visit his children and only missed one time because he had the flu. He knows that it would make him "look bad (worse)" if he misses his visitations. His previous atty from his other child support case had told him that if he misses visits then the mother can request more money. Remember it's about him.. and his reputation.

4)The in laws have known about the cancer and my new treatment. No phone calls or visits from them or my H. They don't care though they say they "pray" for me everyday. Hmmm. Doesn't matter.

5) I know these trials are temporary but feel like forever.

As I mentioned, I am so disappointed and hurt. THis MLC'er is unbelievable. His family is unbelievable.


I will fight for my health, my children and everything I can. This is just so sad for all involved. They (H and his family and OW) really aren't thinking clearly.

Thank you all for your amazing support, love, thoughts, and prayers. You don't know how much this forum helps. Y'all are such a blessing!

All will be well. I believe Jeremiah 29:11.. The Lord has a plan for good.... Prayers for all.


In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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Quote:
I'd rather not switch insurance providers unless I begin working that offers insurance. Prefer to stay away from national healthcare if possible.


COBRA is a continuation of your same current insurance for three years. After that you can choose the same insurance if you desire, on an individual plan. Obamacare provisions ensure that you can still enroll in insurance despite your pre-existing condition. If you live in a state that has an exchange, you will also likely qualify for some kind of subsidy for your insurance (my widowed musician friend, who was going broke paying a third of her income for her health insurance for her and her young son, now gets a subsidy that reduces her cost by over half - and was able to keep her same plan and doctors.)

If he will pay for the COBRA costs, the insurance is not really a reason to delay the divorce. and like I said, it may benefit you and your children financially to go through with the divorce now - while you are unemployed and going through chemo, a judge will definitely favor you.

Dragging your feet on the divorce will not help you. It won't make your H any more likely to return. It won't save your children. It won't get you a better settlement. And it won't stop him from returning to you if he comes to his senses. Financially, every time I have seen a woman here drag the divorce out deliberately, it has ended up hurting the woman financially in a big way (and judges don't like it either).

Also, staying stuck in this emotion and hurt is very bad for your health. Getting it settled and moving forward, focusing on YOU, is healthy.

If your MLCer is going to come back, he's MORE likely to come back once you stop holding on. Let go of the rope.

Talk to your lawyer and ask their opinion about the best way to proceed to get you the best settlement possible. This part is all about business, has nothing really to do with the emotional parts of the divorce or with justice or retribution. Just follow your attorney's advice on how to get the best settlement. And no, the insurance is not a reason to stall (thank god!!! A few years ago, before Obamacare, you would have been in enormous trouble).

Last edited by kml; 03/18/15 05:51 AM.
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