What's he trying to gain? Why is he pushing buttons? I am not responding - I am holding my tongue cuz I don't know what or how to speak my mind.
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I just see how this is a manipulative game. My friends tell me to be a b****. I don't know how. I don't have the words.
Seems to me you're doing well. Not returning what he's dishing out. But I think Job is right - you may need to set some boundaries. Is it manipulative? Yes. He's trying to rationalize his behavior. He's trying to push your buttons. Why? Instinctively, he may know that it's the easiest way to manipulate you. That's just speculation, but it is one way to get people to do what you want - invoke emotion.
That's why we stress the detachment.
You have enough on your plate - don't buy into the games. Just don't. But there are appropriate times to voice your boundaries and healthy ways for you to do so. Whether he listens or not. And I suspect it's important to your own well-being and growth to do so. So no need to put it off, right?
As for the kids. I know when I was in that situation, I wouldn't play. Well, very little. Why? Because it was better for my kids if I didn't. OM, new friends, etc. I let the kids forge their own relationship with their mother and make up their own minds regarding the OM. I don't control their lives like that, rather I was there to help them. Took a lot of stress of them and me in the process. The games continued for a very long time. Pretty much until it OM thought I should tell my kids I didn't love them in an email where he cc'd the kids.
They knew and know. No more to be done there.
I think your kids already know what's what. There's nothing to do there. The only thing left is to protect them as best you can and help them deal with what he's doing. As Lou mentioned, keep being their stability. They won't forget that and what it does for them and over time they'll let you know.
The awkwardness will wear off. Be you and let him and OW worry about being around you. I can't imagine a normal person being ok with that without feeling guilty, awkward, and like a low-life. That's for them to deal with.
You have a lot on your plate. Deal with that and let the wing-nuts do what they do without worrying about it. You'll be glad you did.
Oh and this?
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I showed my son that I didn't get my nails done, that I had instead gone to the store. I asked my DS18 not to tell dad stuff like getting my nails done especially in front of OW cuz then he's gonna report that I am frivolously spending money. (which I don't!)
Don't ever feel like you need to do that again. As long as your kids know you're there for them, let the idea of justifying your whereabouts or worrying about how you look to OW and H fall to the wayside. That's a pointless endeavor.
Peace,
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I so appreciate the sage advice. I know the plate is full and he just wants to add to it. Umm.. no. I don't want any more stuff. I know God will work everything out for the good. My children know his angle. They don't like it but say nothing.
Sooo, I spoke to my atty today. Kinda filled her in on h drama. I said I want this D done. I dont want any more of this stuff over my head. I feel that once things are down on paper that it gives us the boundaries on paper at least.
My atty said that his atty called her to say that H wants to withdraw the suit. ??? H told his atty that he doesn't have any money for a mediator either.
My atty said that we are not withdrawing the suit so that H can keep living this life. I told atty that if he started this D...I'll finish. I don't want this emotional roller coaster. I want to move on so that I don't need to answer to him about anything (incl getting my nails done).
I was thinking that my H is really a piece of work. I know he has money. I know he wants this D done. But I think that by withdrawing the suit..he just wants me to be mad enough to complete it or he's waiting for me to die. Not gonna happen.
I am trying to focus on healing. I plan on being here for a long time. Just trying so hard to stay the course.
Thank you all for your prayers. I'll keep y'all posted. Love and prayers to all of you my beautiful friends. Y'all are a real blessing. God bless.
You received such sage advice from others that I really have nothing to add other than I do hope you focus on your healing. I think you are doing a wonderful job handling foolishness with grace and you seem like a fantastic mom.
Hang in there:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thank you Georgiabelle. I so appreciate all of you. I appreciate the advice because I know we are all in the same boat (rocking boat).
Today is our 21st wedding anniversary. SAD..
On Monday - it was my H bday. (and OW's youngest son too - another weird coincidence)
My DS11 and DS9 called to say happy bday. My DS18 text me to ask if he should call or text H regarding the bday. I said that it was completely up to him. He can call or text or whatever he feels he wants to do.
When I got home, I asked my DS18 and DS16 if they had spoken to their dad. DS18 just said he text - "Just wanted to say Happy Birthday." H responded "Thanks!!"
DS16 didn't call or text him - nor did I.
I'm sure this information was conveyed to my MIL, SIL, FIL and their whole family that one of our sons and I didn't say Happy Birthday. It's another thing against us. I know it wouldn't have mattered if I had said anything. He doesn't care. If anything, he might think that I am still longing for him. YUCK! But it matters that my DS16 didn't say or text anything. It'll probably come up later.
On Tuesday, H picked up the boys and took them to OW home and they did a small building project. H never mentioned anything to DS16 about the lack of birthday wishes. (Whew!) Then during the time of the visit, he sent OW to our church to pickup our oldest DS18 from a mtg. cuz H was busy watching our other boys, her kids and her kids friends. So I think he's trying to get my oldest son to bond with OW since DS18 is the one my H thinks dictates how the other boys see or accept her. My DS18 said he felt uncomfortable. She just talked about how our church was the place she and her late husband renewed their wedding vows but they stopped going there when some parishioners asked her to take some classes at the church. I don't know what she's talking about but now she and her kids go to another Catholic church. My DS18 just nodded. He said he didn't want to talk with her cuz then she'll mention to H that they got along or whatever. UGH!!!!! I'm not liking this.
Then the boys said they had dinner at her house. And though it shouldn't matter...I asked if they prayed together before the meal. They did. To me...this is important. I shouldn't have asked cuz I figured but it just hurts. I find my faith is SOOO important and even though I shouldn't judge, it's hard not to see that it's a false life. Lord HELP ME!!
Anyway, these things bother me. Why am I giving them (H and OW) head space? Why? They don't deserve it. Lord help me!
Today, I took the boys to the counselor. I mentioned that H wanted to withdraw the suit and counselor suggested that maybe he's looking at $$$ for child support and alimony. Maybe he wants custody?! I hope not!!
The things seem petty as I write them down but they bother me. I'm not pleased with myself that these things bother me. I don't want to feel like this. It's not an inner peace. I'm hoping that once D is finalized that I can feel detached. Then it shouldn't matter what they do with H or OW as long as they are okay then I should be okay. Right?
Prayers to all as these dramas continue. Love y'all.
My mantra during this time: "Let go or be dragged"
The best thing you can do for your health is to just let go - of him, of her, of wondering what's going on over there, of trying to get into his head, of worrying about them. Not your circus, not your monkeys. You've got a life to live and not a second more of it should be wasted on him.
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I mentioned that H wanted to withdraw the suit and counselor suggested that maybe he's looking at $$$ for child support and alimony
Probably he has figured out it is to his advantage to drag his feet. Perhaps his attorney has informed him that he would have to pay more in child support and alimony than he is currently spending? Perhaps he is thinking either you will A) get well, in which case he can get a better settlement in court, or B) you will die from your illness, in which case he doesn't have to give a dime to anybody!
Think about it - if you divorce now, then whatever assets you win in the divorce, would pass down to your children in the event of your death. If you were to pass before a divorce is finalized - he keeps everything in HIS hands.
I'd be thinking about pushing the divorce forward just to preserve $$$ for the kids in the event of a tragedy, but you also have to think about what is best for YOUR healing right now. If the stress of the divorce will be too much, wait. If you want to go through with it - do so, you don't need his permission. And although I know you are religious, he has been the one who broke this marriage apart, not you. You can even legally divorce but remain faithful to your vows if that's what you choose. (I wouldn't, but having been raised Catholic, I understand how some might.). Just do whatever most protects you and the kids financially right now.
H pickedup the boys, (her vehicle - her & her kids in it.)to go see a movie. H missed his visit on Wed cuz of work but I consider this to be a makeup day.
It was hard.
OW had gotten out of her vehicle to put something in the trunk and I guess just seeing her a little closer -hurt.
I am feeling so betrayed right now.
Need some advice.
About 2 wks ago, I mentioned to my SIL that their cousin text me everyday with words of encouragement and how she and her mom (H aunt) are praying for me all the time. However, I found out that this cousin is also texting the OW with same kind of prayers and stuff. ???
Then seems like right after I said that this bothered me to my SIL, the texts stopped. Weird.
I also found out from a former coworker of my MIL (who happens to be my good friend's sister) that my MIL would tell everyone at her work that I was the crazy one. She bashed my character and integrity with lies. I always figured that my MIL would gossip about me. The coworker said she was always shocked that MIL would say these things since I've known this friend since high school and she knows that I am not how MIL said I was. MIL continues to gossip based on all the stuff my H has told her (lies). She tells everyone so many lies. And the problem is that this town feels smaller and I feel like that everyone I meet or know is on H's side. Believing his version. Though I have no proof - it still feels like that.
I feel betrayed on so many levels - SIL, MIL, extended family, friends. The pain is so unbelievable. As if H's betrayal isn't enough. I am mad at myself for being bothered. I don't want this to bother me. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want them to have this control over me and I know I am letting it. UGH!
I should focus on my health and especially my children but how do I stop being bothered by this stuff. I shouldn't care what these people think or say since it's a jaded portrait of me. I know the truth and who I am. Though I am not perfect, I do have real feelings and I am a happy proud mother to my beautiful children.
Thanks for listening. Praying for DIVINE protection, wisdom, healing and mercy. Thank you for your continued prayers. Blessings to all of you for being so strong and wise. :-)
I know how you feel about the other stuff. I can tell you to let it go, let it go, don't think about them, but I know it can also seem uncontrollable.
So, I guess the best thing is to find a way for you to put it in perspective. Knowing that nothing you say or do will change their behavior.
For me, it makes me crazy hearing about the communication between xh and my kids. I assert myself as un-phased, but inside... I'm dying.
But honestly, I do whatever I can now- not to know. However, it is more difficult your you since your kids are around the nonsense. I feel for you with that.
All I can think is that it may be easiest to just not even think about it. It is clear that your kids have to work through this... and they struggle, which is normal. But, know, they will see things that you won't even realize. But, they will work it out, one way or another.
Find some peace in knowing that whatever happens with your kids and them, it will not tarnish your r with them. You are their mom and nothing/no one will ever come between that.
I'm so sorry that your in-laws are being difficult. I am also sorry that you are feeling that everyone is supporting their r. That is very difficult. Although my sitch is different, I also feel that everyone supports xh and hww's new family like it is good news. Again, I know it's different, and you have your health to deal with, but I know the horrific feeling. I feel like I am being gaslighted by the world- that they don't see how screwed up this is... and I have to suck it up.
But, I have to have faith, that people really see through it. It's just they don't have enough invested to say something to them, but I'm sure there are whispers. In both of our sitches. I am sure people have compassion, even when we don't know. And, they really aren't that invested, anyway.
Gossip is gossip, and for your MIL to participate, well... that speaks volumes on HER. And, I was raised Catholic, and what they are doing isn't so... Catholic. So.. let them say what they want. You know deep down what's important. What's right. What's good.
You will be OK.
I am sure you are familiar with the bible, V. I read more and more of it. I have become more familiar with it over the past months. I will be honest, I didn't know it very well. But, I do find a lot of comfort in it. And, use it to empower you, V. In those times of distress, in the times of hearing what others say, in the times of dealing with h & ow... find those verses which will help you. Which will keep things in perspective. Give you strength, peace...
You need to focus on you, V. You will find, that when you ask less about them, keep them out of your thoughts, avoid them... You will find more peace and strength.
You need that. Don't ask about him. It will be difficult at first, but you will find that it will help. And trust your kids. They will have to figure it out, regardless. But, they will eventually start to come to you more, bc they will feel you aren't discussing it from an emotional place. But they will be able to sort it out. Trust it, V.
I don't mean to be pushy saying what will work. I'm sorry if that's how I'm coming across. It is just something that worked for me. And I am dealing with some of the same emotions in a different, yet similar sitch. Whatever works for you, I pray for you and that you will find it.
Keep your head up! You can do this. It WILL get easier. That's coming from someone who had a hard time getting there... as I still continue my journey there. I'm looking for a permanent residency there!
I admire your strength. All of y'all on these boards are amazing. I feel encouraged that all will be okay. I know God has this and I should give it ALL to the Lord cuz I can't control H or OW or In-laws. So hard to let go of the emotional ties.
Thank you for the prayers and great support. Prayers being lifted for y'all too.
Good news (health wise).. got my bone scan results - HEALING!! So the chemo and drug regime is working. Praise God!! I am so grateful for the Lord's mercy and especially for y'all's thoughts and prayers. Praying this cancer goes away so that I can live a life to glorify the Lord through my testimony and my children. And...my DS18 passed his drivers test. Yay! New driver - but ugh - more money for the auto insurance - yikes!
Bad news - my H is mean. His paycheck was deposited as usual but then he withdrew half the entire balance. So, I am scrambling to cover checks and the mortgage payment ad other items that are automatically paid once the paycheck hits.
I text him this lengthy text (first I consulted my atty who said I should call him- um no) I needed half of what he took out cuz he never talked to me about what items are needing to be paid or have been paid. I hope he gives it back. Praying!
I have not prohibited access to funds nor has he since it's in the temporary orders but now since he's about to go on vacation (again) with the OW and her kids (plus their friends) to Florida, I guess he wants the cash.
So now it's official. I am freaking out financially. Here I am in the middle of treatment, no job yet, and divorce not final and I am freaking out! I know the Lord will provide. I know that I was blessed to have monies to run the household for this long but this is scary.
I don't know who he is. No warning signs of what is about to come next. He's prepping for what? Is the new woman prompting him?
I know he doesn't deserve the head space. I should focus on my health, my children and my God. How?
How do y'all do it?
I keep saying how much I admire y'all because I mean it. Y'all are so strong and courageous.
Lord help me. I need wisdom, courage, discernment and strength. In His Love
Hi VGE, it is great news about your health. Praise God Who heals!
I am so sorry for you about your H taking money out of the account, so that he an go have his fun. Try and keep these things in perspective. Your health is so much more important than paying this month's bills.
I know how stressful paying bills can be. But your H's cruelty? There's little that you can do about that. I don't know what your Court Orders say, but if your H has violated them, an attorney might be able to get an emergency order before he takes off on his vacation.
