I don't know how to paste my previous posts: Thread for VGE1.
Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers. It's definitely a journey I know we didn't sign up for. But knowing that God is with us and providing this great forum of people has so helped me deal with this mess.
Okay folks, update:
I begin chemo treatment next week. UGH!!!!! I was really dreading this. But I even went to 3 other oncologists and they all came up with the exact treatment plan. The cancer is bad. It's not only in my spine, pelvis, ribs but trying to get into my brain and lungs. So we gotta act NOW!
STRESS!!!
In the meantime, DH is no help. He is only looking out only for himself. And on Monday, it was confirmed that the OW the "friend" is really his gf and he may move in with her.
First, let me begin by saying that I am learning a lot of myself and what is really important. A major disease is a wake up call to the real issues huh?
My DH had taken our children to a nondenominational church several weeks ago. Which is fine, I just asked that they text me so that when I go to church, I could get the eucharist for them. Then last week, he took them again. I made arrangements to take them to mass before he would pick them up on Sun so that way they wouldn't feel like they missed church. He had already told them he was taking them to the other church. When they arrived at the other church, my H told our children to save some seats cuz he invited a "friend".
Sure enough, there she was, with her 3 children and her mother. My youngest child told my other children that that was the woman from dad's confirmation and the woman that dad held hands with. So they were all so uncomfortable and upset.
H sat with all our children to his right and he placed her youngest child between him and her so our children wouldn't think anything. (he said this to me later) After the service, he gave her a hug and my children and H went to lunch and spent the rest of the day hanging out.(upset)
When my children explained all of this to me, I contacted my attorney. She asked me to put it in writing, cuz I already asked him by phone and in person, not to have this OW around our children right now. It's too soon since he's left and I amd dealing with cancer. The children are not ready.
So, I sent him an email to reiterate my request for the well being of the children not to have the OW around. If he continues, then I will place a restraining order (per my atty).
He didn't respond well. He said, how can I place it since, there isn't anything going on. I said, cuz the children are upset, hurt, and uncomfortable. I am watching out for their well being and this isn't a good thing right now. So he asked, when? I said - when the ink is dry. He didn't like that cuz there is such a delay in this D for my health.
After, the repeated denials about this woman, I asked him point blank if this was his gf, he said yes. I asked if he was going to move in with her or marry her. And he said, maybe. And there you have it - the truth. Why did he lie the whole time???
I told him that he should have just told me and the boys the truth. He said why does it matter. I said it mattered a lot. This way I could xplain to them what will be happening. He said that everyone needs to get over it. This is his life, these are his children too and the OW is in his life too. He should be able to have the children involved in all parts of his life even if it involves this OW. The children would rather know the truth at the beginning than to be lied to. In fact, now they see him as a liar and don't respect him or buy anything he says. Especially, my older children. They were so upset that one of them walked out of that church service and stayed out in the hallway till the service was over. My H was upset that our child didn't just deal with this new "friend".
They really don't want to be around him and much less now with this new OW as his gf. He said I was trying to control the situation and that's one of the reasons why he left, cuz i don't let him to whatever he wants, so, it's my fault.
I said that if he would have been honest to all of us, then I wouldn't have felt the need to put this email out there. So in the end, does it matter? I have talked to a counselor and spiritual director and friends and have come to the conclusion that he is doing a lot to the children on his own. I don't bash him to the children since I don't have to. They see him and don't like what he is doing. They love him but don't like this stuff. I just need to support my children, love them, and pray for them. I just don't need to add more STRESS than what's already out there. I can't control him - I know that - but I was trying to protect my babies from more pain.
I love my children so much and don't want to see them go through this horrible experience. Abandonment from their dad and now I am getting sicker. You can almost gauge the increase in cancer markers with the amount of stress I am going through with this guy. UGH!
I don't want my DH to dance on my grave. I want to live a long time to see my children have families of their own. I am letting go of all of this slowly. It's so hard cuz my children and their well being are the utmost importance but stressing out is not helping my health. So LET GO!
I've already signed the children up to see a family therapist next week. They are dealing with so much and need a safe outlet and learn some coping skills on how to handle this stress. My poor babies.
Whew! Sorry for the length of this stuff. Just wanted to keep y'all posted. Luv y'all. Praying y'all's drama subsides and y'all are doing well. Remember, God is good all the time!!
I'm sorry to hear that you are now getting ready to start chemo. You are going to have to find a way to get rid of that stress because it's not going to help you fight your cancer. Yes, I know it's awful the way your h is behaving, but you've got to be strong, not only for yourself, but for your children and yes, to fight for your life.
Do you have friends/family that will be able to assist you as you go thru the chemo? It's going to take a lot out of you and you will need someone there to help you and the children.
I'm glad you've got the children signed up to see a therapist. What about you? Are you seeing anyone?
Please, please take care of yourself. Your h is gone, out to lunch, and yes, very, very selfish right now. I am so sorry that he's not there supporting you and your children.
I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Prayers are a powerful tool and I'm sure everyone here will pray as well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job is right on! I just don't understand MLCers and their OP's. How can ow feel good about having a R with a married man with kids whose W is going through chemo? And do what they did to the kids in church no less!
I'm so sorry you are going through all this and you and the kids are in my prayers! Hang in there with all of us here praying for you you'll do great!
vge1, I'm so sorry to read about what is going on in your sitch. I apologize for not knowing the entire story, but have read this thread.
My heart breaks for you that you have to go through this now. Please, please put the focus on caring for yourself. We cannot control the mlc behavior at all. We have to give it to God. So right now, you should control what you can and that is putting yourself in the best situation for recovery.
My heart also breaks for your kids. I know how upsetting it is for them. They should not have to endure that. I am sure that they are learning many wonderful things through your example: strength, courage, respect, faith, love...
He is clearly behaving in an utterly selfish way. I'm sorry for that. Keep yourself surrounded by positive energy and people.
I can only echo what Job, Matt & Mighty have said. I am so sorry to hear about your situation, your health challenges and what you and your kids are going through. As you said, life's ordeals teach us what is really important and right now, your H and his behavior does not matter.
What matters is YOU, your health and your children. Please take care. I hope you have a strong support system to help you go through this.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children. You are such a strong, strong woman and an example for me. Thanks for sharing your story and please come back to post often. You can find some comfort and support here as well.
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
My prayers are with you too. The last thing you need right now is more stress. Focus on you and your children. Sending you healing light. Your STBX will have to answer to his maker one day.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
VGE -what kind of cancer do you have? How long ago was the first appearance and how was it treated? I'll research whatever I can that might be helpful.
I know it sounds impossible to do, but for your own sake, right now, you have to just let go of H. "Let go or be dragged" was my mantra. You have very important work to do healing yourself, and that is so much more important than anything having to do with your H.
I can relate a bit, as my ex had an affair, we reconciled, had some of the best years of our marriage, then he fell down the rabbit hole of MLC and we divorced. I also had health problems (not life threatening) which H couldn't deal w, and also came to realize that my H had always had a certain selfish streak.
My life is good now, once you let go you may realize how much energy it has been taking to walk on eggshells around him all the time. Let go....if he's meant to come back eventually he will, although I suspect by that time you won't want him back (I wouldn't have mine back now for all the tea in China). But you don't have to make any decision like that now, just let go and focus on your healing.
