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#2546425 03/10/15 11:23 PM
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Mighty Offline OP
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History of a crazy life:

Wrecking Ball:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2472154#Post2472154

Que Sera Sera:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2478986#Post2478986

Eyes Wide Open:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2493724&page=1

Time For Change:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2494298#Post2494298

Dynamic of a Family Revised:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2498183#Post2498183

Diggin Deep:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2502356#Post2502356

The Silver Lining:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2510323&page=1

Staying Focused:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2512426&page=1

Tread Lightly:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2512428#Post2512428

The Next Three Weeks:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2517994#Post2517994

The Next Step: The True Test
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2523268#Post2523268

Forging Through the Unknown:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2529674&page=1

Mighty:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2529681#Post2529681

Rebound: Round 2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534521#Post2534521

Learn to Fly:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537919#Post2537919

Recoup:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2546394&page=1

Wow... that's a lot of threads. I think I look even worse than I thought.

Mighty #2546430 03/11/15 12:05 AM
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Hey Mighty, just checking in... How are you doing?

(From last thread ^^)

Hi uR! Thanks for checking in. I have been in a really weird place.

I don't know if it's progress or regression. I really don't!

What I find is that, well... for me... it's like I have had a sort of sympathy pains or something for the mlc. I feel like my emotions have taken me on a pseudo mlc or something. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but I feel like I go through my own stages, but... just not so extreme or my actions are that of mlc. It's more like the emotional stages. Maybe not, maybe I'm just totally losing my mind. Maybe I'm just over-tired (Damn you, time change! It's inhumane at this point... when you are working on a couple hour's sleep as it is!)

But, I am just in the stupidest place (I don't have a better adjective). And I feel like a fog has lifted from me. But I don't know how I feel about it.

I haven't felt anger in a bit. I have cried a lot lately. That's not so normal. I have gone months previously... thought I was cried out. But now... I just cry. Several times a day. I don't know what that is about. Yet, I feel numb a lot of the time. Confused. I feel very distant from xh. I just don't know him at all anymore. I have never felt the distance like I do now.

This is the longest I have gone w/o him contacting me. I don't think that is exactly the reason I feel the distance, but some of it. But more so, is that I just don't know who he is. He is sooooo different. Even spending that time with him, he is just different. And now.... I don't know now. It weird that it "ended" the same way... just through his actions. He hasn't said anything about his choice. It tiring. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't have energy to be angry or upset about it. I think about how he had to continue to have discussions w hww for "closure" and that... and with me... nothing. I don't understand how you can spend your life with someone for 20 years- more than half of your life, and just walk away without saying anything. Twice. I know I can't rationalize it. I know it's not something I even want in my life. It's just tiring. Makes me feel so worthless.

I imagine people on the outside must think that people get divorced all the time and that I should be over it and moved on by now. Maybe I should! But... I haven't quite yet. I know it will "get better." But, I'm not totally convinced. Not that I'm being pessimistic... but I just don't exactly see it right now. I'm sure it will. But... it just seems like I was... but I still had a long way to go. And thinking now about how much it took to get to that point is a lot. It seems so far away... and yet, even from there, still so far.

The weather has gotten a little better- in the 40's! Yes, I did say that. And yes, 40's around here give you a little boost! Believe it.

The kids and I have had some fun the last couple of days. We have spent more time together, the 3 of us. I notice that we all seem to appreciate it. We seem connected and to have an unspoken understanding. Almost like, accepting that this our family now.

(Although d14 is ticked at me tonight bc she got free tickets for her and a friend to a concert and I won't let her go bc they are at a night club downtown. It's a teenage band, but she said the "adult" taking them is 19. Ummmm... no.)

It's been one month today since I texted xh that I am not going to engage in discussions with him. That he made a choice and I was not going to be part of that life anymore. It has been 3 weeks since he stopped trying to engage. I know it does not seem long, but it's whatever.

It has also been since that time that he stopped staying at bil. I knew the day I didn't include him in d14's birthday he would be upset and go stay there. He never returned. That's ok. And really, if that's how they want their r... whatever. I mean, they are practically teenagers. I could totally see a ticked off teen acting like that.

This certainly is a long, rambling post. Nothing like the musings of Mighty. Well.... nothing as lame.

So, I just don't know how i feel anymore. I don't know if this is the beginning of acceptance or what. Or, if I have totally lost it, or I am heading in the wrong direction. But I figure, for now, I'm just going to go with it. It is a change. I need a change. Fingers crossed it is a good one. Who knows now, bc it certainly doesn't feel better- or worse. Just is.

This distance... that's the weirdest part. Like a disconnection. I know there is one, but not with this person. Does it scare me to think of totally losing a connection? Hmmmm... I think it does. But I think his tunnel is so deep, he is reaching the Earth's core. If he ever comes up, he may be covered in magma.

Mighty #2546455 03/11/15 02:56 AM
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He will definitely be covered in magma - great analogy.

Mighty this is so hard. This is the man you shared your life with and built a family with and a home with. Allow yourself the time and room to grieve.

I know it feels like the world is so down with divorce these days and what's taking you so long to move on... Don't listen to the outside b.s. This is hard hard stuff.

Enjoy your kids even when being a parent $ucks


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

Mighty #2546492 03/11/15 08:40 AM
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Oh Mighty I so get where you are - my xh did the same thing - needed to have discussions with OW about closure and doing the right thing by her. Then he went back.

And yes all of those feelings roiling around. It is like an angry sea. But it does settle down, I promise.

I think I felt incredulity, looking back. That this person could act like this. But here is what I think. We are part of their DNA. There is no separation in their minds from us (Weird I know) and so they have never wholly left us. I am not sure if this is true for all MLCers but it seems true of some.

The sense of him feeling there is still an unacknowledged link is so apparent in my recent interactions with my xh. Not so much in what he said but what was not said, and how he acted.

They are acting out. The damage is huge and by the time they realise it (if they do) it is hard to put right.

beatrice #2546619 03/11/15 04:22 PM
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Originally Posted By: beatrice


I think I felt incredulity, looking back. That this person could act like this. But here is what I think. We are part of their DNA. There is no separation in their minds from us (Weird I know) and so they have never wholly left us. I am not sure if this is true for all MLCers but it seems true of some.


I have always felt this ... never really thought of it nor put the words you just did here but I completely feel this is true, along the way they make sure that we are still where they put us .. but I think there is alot to this.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2546694 03/11/15 07:30 PM
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Mighty.
You will be ok. It will take time.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
CaliGuy #2546695 03/11/15 07:30 PM
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Hey Mighty,
You say you feel like an MLCer, well that makes sense. You are in a "crisis" yourself, not the same as theirs but one brought on by xh's actions. This crisis was forced on you. Your entire world has changed, your plans for your future you had for the last 20 years are no longer valid due to things totally outside your control. Your family has lost one of it's wheels and nothing you can do will fix this. Of course you feel in crisis!

All us LBS's are in our own crisises. Just one's that aren't caused by our past hurts but by having the rug pulled out from under our lives. Our journeys out our just as hard as the MLCers. We need to reassess everything. Make new lives for ourselves. Come to terms with all we lost, knowing we didn't do anything to deserve this.

We will stop and start, move forward and slide back but unlike the MLCer we understand that we alone control whether we enjoy our lives, are "happy", are grateful for all we have been blessed with and not crying over that which we don't. You have to go through this so you can come out the other side having learned a hard lesson but better than you ever were before. Hang in there Mighty, you WILL get there sooner than you think!

Matt165 #2546698 03/11/15 07:38 PM
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Hang tough Mighty. I have been following you and your situation and you seem like a strong and centered person even if you do't feel it 100% of the time. That's OK too.

One foot in front of the other is my motto. My great accomplishmnents are to get through the day. My old likfe was filled with so much "accomplished" now it's baby steps to reestablish myself and my life.

Hang in there.


Was made a better person by DB'ers
HeavyD #2546860 03/12/15 02:01 AM
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Hi Brook, bea, Cali, 2B, Matt, and FOOLISH! Thanks so much for checking in. It felt really good to hear from you guys. Sometimes when I just get so lonely, it is so nice to see that someone posts to you. And to get shout outs from all of you was a nice feeling.

Another long day... cried a lot, like a stupid little baby. However, I had a late appoint tonight with my new ic. I felt so differently on my drive home than I did on my drive there, in which I cried most of the way there. (Maybe I'm making up for lost time... I never cried as a kid... never- parent's divorce, funerals, nothing could make me cry. I was saving up, I think.)

Anyway... he was great. And he kept the focus on me. I think it's going to be really good. I had felt for the first time in awhile, a sort of reestablishment of strength. A little bit of finding some grounding. (And, I'm remembering those thoughts, AJ!)

I am looking forward to it. I think this will be really good for me.

Hope you all are well!!

Mighty #2546875 03/12/15 03:29 AM
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Yay!! I'm glad your initial session was so positive!

The crying?? My doctor once told me that the brain produces chemicals that are like toxins, which are excreted through tears when we cry. So your body NEEDS to get rid of that stuff!!! Like brainpoop. grin

You sound good, Mighty. <3.

Keep going. Tiny steps forward, and the next thing you know....??
You'll feel the sun shining and your boots tappin and then you realize you're in TX.

Er.....at least, somewhere almost as awesome wink

Shining #2547169 03/13/15 12:04 AM
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Awwwww... schucks, Shining! I think I had salmonella of the brain. It was bad. No tears today, for whatever reason. Warm your boot's up... I'll be there...

Oh, and S, I was also thinking on my way to ic about how I had so much toxicity in me and didn't know how to get it out. Hmm... interesting that you posted that last night... you answered my question!


Today I happened upon ONE thread from Kimmerz from 2012. I am not sure how far she was into this at the time, but it seemed fairly close to the beginning. Her description of her h was very similar to mine. I couldn't believe it! His actions, interactions w kids, behavior pre-mlc, etc.

So I searched her name on here and got one thread from 11/14. It was a couple of years after the thread I had read, and saw her xh had married the ow. Ick. Now, I actually posted on that thread, and remembered reading it, too. But, hadn't put the two together until then.

But, seeing it now, I still see so many similarities. It's just really weird. And, what I have continuously found is that the further you progress through this and look back, you make different connections that you hadn't realized before.

I know that there are so many similarities here... according to the script. It was just the way she had described his behavior and actions pre and current mlc that was striking to me.

OK, hope you all are well.

Mighty #2547214 03/13/15 04:43 AM
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Eerie, isn't it Mighty.
The MLCers all seem to think that they are so unique, so just being who they were "meant" to be. They just don't get that are actually so very clique. I was struck by how they say certain things, word for word, that are listed here as things MLCers say. My W really believes that she is "empowering" herself by what she is doing. That it's takes "strength" to walk away when it is obvious to any observer that it's actually the" weak", easy way. It takes real strength to work through things, to fight for what is right, to look at what the real causes of our pain are.

Each sitch is unique in the details. What made me finally truly believe in MLC was how so many people, all different, say and do so many of the exact same things. I really think that one day they will recognize MLC as an actual mental disorder and the things our S's have done and are doing symptoms of those having that disorder!

By the way, you sound much better today. And that really makes ME happy!

Matt165 #2547220 03/13/15 05:34 AM
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Mighty- I don't post much but have been reading your sitch. You are doing all you can to move through this but sometimes we just have a rough patch. Glad you like the IC and the focus is on you.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
&#8213; Maya Angelou



Matt165 #2547262 03/13/15 12:58 PM
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Originally Posted By: Matt165
Eerie, isn't it Mighty.
The MLCers all seem to think that they are so unique, so just being who they were "meant" to be. They just don't get that are actually so very clique. I was struck by how they say certain things, word for word, that are listed here as things MLCers say. My W really believes that she is "empowering" herself by what she is doing. That it's takes "strength" to walk away when it is obvious to any observer that it's actually the" weak", easy way. It takes real strength to work through things, to fight for what is right, to look at what the real causes of our pain are.

Each sitch is unique in the details. What made me finally truly believe in MLC was how so many people, all different, say and do so many of the exact same things. I really think that one day they will recognize MLC as an actual mental disorder and the things our S's have done and are doing symptoms of those having that disorder!


Just want to comment on two big points you made in your post...

1. Yep -- Staying and working on things is much harder and the MLC-way is the easy way out. LBS who try to stand for the R/M are willing and prepared to do the hard work that it will take -- but the MLCer just wants to start over with something easier (no baggage). Outside observers can easily see this and understand it -- but MLC-mind can't and won't.

2. Seeing the similarities also helped me realize that this is very real. I too hope that one day this is recognized as a true mental disorder. Not sure what kind of treatment would work -- MLCer would have to first recognize they have a problem, right? But at least if this could be recognized more widely so that all doctors and therapists take it seriously when the symptoms are present.


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
Jer2911 #2547611 03/14/15 03:55 PM
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Hey, Matt. Thanks for the post and support! It certainly is weird how many similarities there are. It IS like they have been taken over by aliens or something!

Hey, Gwen. Thanks for dropping in. Hope you are well.

Jur- excellent points. Ones we try to figure out... but probably never will. And I agree, to me there are several indications that this is a real issue. Clearly, or we wouldn't all be here seeking the help we do.

Just an update:

Things are going OK. My brother invited me over yesterday after work for a happy hour of sorts. He works at the same place as me, but different building. We used to be in the same building. So we have mutual friends from work, which is cool. I forced myself to go. That's kind of where I am now. Forcing myself. Even if I decide to go, I usually end up talking myself out of it. Which isn't difficult. But as I was getting ready to leave, a friend stopped in on his way out to make sure I was going. He is always on my case about that stuff.

So I did. There were about 10 people there. I laughed a lot. Was more of myself. I am, by nature, an outgoing, extrovert. I do like to be around people. That's when I'm not in this.... whatever mode.... this is. One I am uncertain about.

But, we weren't there for too long. They had dinner plans for a fish fry (my brother, sil, and another couple).

I knew going home would be difficult. I was having a good time, then home, very early and alone. Now what? Kids were going to go off with friends. Now what? This house which is torn up. A constant reminder of what my life is. So, I watched a movie. My go-to these days.

When I woke up this morning, I had the usual emptiness... void.... alone-ness... lost feeling. But, when I was making my coffee, something dawned on me. I'm OK. I can be content with where I am right now. I don't have to look at it as I have. I mean... duh... I hear it all the time. And I know, the only way is up from this point. I have things to look forward to. Perhaps a change in my thinking will help with a change in my feelings.

I hope so!

On another note... xh is still getting under my skin. Albeit, it is less... but the mere thought of him makes my spine quiver.

A couple of days ago, he was late to p/u s18 for school. I got a call saying he was tardy. Must have had a rough morning with babies and toddlers... ugh. D14 was talking about xh yesterday. She said s18 had called him to see where he was and he said on xxx road (the road his house w hww is) and s18 replied, "You .......") Not sure exactly what, as d14 did not fill in the blank. Xh still lives under the guise that everything is the same with the kids. Does not say anything about his choices or what they are. But that's his deal. But, the kids are clearly confused, living in a little denial, and feeling, I think, like I did not too long ago.

Then d14 said she asked her cousin (who lives next door where xh had been staying... xh was in her room while she was staying in with her sisters) if xh was still staying there. (So sad she asks her cousin where her dad lives). C14 said no but he needs to move out bc its annoying.

Yesterday when I left for work, xh had his truck at bil. He may have been picking up things. I think he is slowly bringing things back to hww. I don't know. I don't want to know. I hate that I have to see it. D14 announced after work he was there again, but it was only for a few minutes. Must have picked up more stuff.

But, the part that get me. First, I was annoyed he was late for s18. It is literally the ONLY parenting that he does. Drives s18 two minutes to school. That is it. Not ONE other thing. And he is late, bc he is with the other ones. I know I shouldn't think too much about it. And I am not going to make anything of it, as long as it does not continue. But it is annoying. Just a little more salt on the wound.

Then, the other thing.. yesterday he was early. And since I wan't car pooling, I had left a little later. But, after I left, he came to my house to get s18 and came in the house! D14 told me this yesterday too. It was only for a second to tell s18 to hurry up (he could call his phone). But I told him specifically that he is not to step foot into this house. He would have never done that w me here. And I know he just wanted to peek in. Probably see what was the status on the kitchen or something. Maybe see about the electrical fire??????? Doubt it.

He also called d14 yesterday to see her plans for the weekend. D14 said she was busy. He asked her a million questions. Who is taking you? Who are you going with? Is so and so going to be there? They were questions which, in a round about way, would let him know what I was doing. That's what I think anyway. I could be wrong. But d14 said, "Why do you always call me to play 20 questions?"

Life would be easier if he lived further away. Honestly, he does not offer anything as far as parental support. He is a like an uncle who picks up the kids once in awhile to take them to the movies. That's it. And every encounter makes me anxious. It is getting a little better. But, it's annoying to deal with.

So... I got some good news at work about performance. That was good. And, last night, my friend sent me a text (the one who made sure I went to my b's house), "fyi, you're the $hit." It was silly, but it make me smile.

Mighty #2547624 03/14/15 04:42 PM
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But, the part that get me. First, I was annoyed he was late for s18. It is literally the ONLY parenting that he does
That's the part that gets you? Huh. I'm guessing there's more somewhere smile But to the point, if he can't handle that one thing, maybe you should stop expecting him to be able to? Hell, he can't handle taking care of himself if you ask me, and you want him to successfully at least be a parent? Not likely, m'dear. Not now, maybe never. But very certainly not now.

Yay you! Good performance and good news!

As for going home to loneliness? It seems that way for now, but honestly, there will come a time you'll protect that time. For now is it loneliness or just that it's not what you wanted and a different routine you aren't used to yet? There's a difference, Mighty.

AJ

FYI - You ARE the s**t, Mighty. You're friend probably has a hard time holding back from telling you all the time smile


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2547670 03/14/15 08:22 PM
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Yes, Mighty, you ARE the $hit!!! And you and your remodeling skills are gonna be a hot commodity on the dating scene once you're ready.

But I want to talk to you about something my dear. About letting go. And about the risk to your health by not letting go.

Read Vge1 s thread. Some similarities to your sitch....her h had a child by another woman, she reconciled with him, but now several years later he's bolted with another woman and Vge has stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. No way to know for sure, but the stress of all this has probably played a big role.

I broke out in shingles a couple of years ago when my ex was stressing me out over some financial issues with the kids....not a coincidence.

So what I'm saying is, the best thing that you can do for yourself right now is to quit focusing on the ex and start dreaming some fun new dreams for yourself.

kml #2547724 03/14/15 11:43 PM
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Hey, AJ. Yeah... so, ya got me. I suppose that there is more to it that gets me.

Also, the alone thing... yeah... it's an adjustment. I remember the time in the fall where I was able to appreciate it. And, I believe you that I will be able to again. I think it is difficult the most during the times when I don't want to be alone. It is like it magnifies that fact that I am. But, that is where I need to sukk it up.

Hey Ellie! You know what? I had the same thoughts. The stress. But, I didn't realize that her h had a child. I missed that. I read the latest thread and it broke my heart. It is no where near that serious, but in my mind, it brought up the recent surgery I had. And you are right, I need to let go.

My post did have "stuff" about xh... and I can honestly say, it was more for journaling purposes. I almost didn't, bc I think it exerts to much energy sometimes. He seems so far away right now. That's good for me. I had a thought today, and I am actually surprised to have it: I am glad he is not in my life right now. I can't believe I have that thought. I just can't stand the drama, immaturity, energy-sukking, insecurity... all that that goes along with him right now.

I do have to be honest... it is hard to totally let go. I have a loose grip... but little by little I am letting go. I know that once I totally do... that's it.

I am happy not communicating, not seeing, not knowing. I prefer it now. But, I guess letting go is also a realization of what I have known, for what seems forever, will be gone forever.

I also have much more focus on myself. I have a lot to deal with. The after-affects of all of this, among my own personal "issues" which need addressing. Right now, my biggest obstacle is fear. It is not something I have always had, but one which is a result of bomb. Nuke, particularly. And, the latest debacle, which has only exacerbated it. It's going to be a big one. One with several different elements. But one that needs immediate attention. This, so I can take steps into my life. And with more confidence.

Hmmmm... dreams.... working on it. I will be sure to let you know the first one i come up with!

Mighty #2547752 03/15/15 01:15 AM
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Hey my friend...you're friend is right...you rock. Good job on the good news at work, too. smile

So, you are still trying to force yourself to be somewhere on this journey that you think you should be. I know it's hard not to do that at times, but, it doesnt serve you well.

You have to let this unfold the way it does.

Good on you for forcing yourself to go out. Sometimes you have to do that.

Because I care about you, I just want to make mention of the mindreading you were doing...:)

Originally Posted By: Mighty
xh had his truck at bil. He may have been picking up things. I think he is slowly bringing things back to hww. Must have picked up more stuff.

And he is late, bc he is with the other ones.

And I know he just wanted to peek in. Probably see what was the status on the kitchen or something. Maybe see about the electrical fire??????? Doubt it.

They were questions which, in a round about way, would let him know what I was doing. That's what I think anyway.



Get outta his head, sweetie. It's crazy up in there.

So, what does Mighty want to try? Where would you want to go if you could go anywhere?

uRworthy #2547764 03/15/15 02:07 AM
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Busted! Yup, uR- you're right. Can I say, at least it no longer sends me spinnin? No excuse... Whatever he is doing- it's just crazy making anyway. Can't let it take me with him.

Me? Well... I'd love to go to Greece. And! I was thinking about it last night! Someday..: Now, looking forward to trip w kids in 2 wks.

Kitchen is slowly progressing. That's pretty much top priority now. Life will be so much better when that is done!

Now, uR... How are you? Everything good?

Mighty #2547773 03/15/15 03:05 AM
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Every day, find a way to save $2-3 dollars. Put them in a special jar. In a couple years you'll have the money for your trip to Greece.

Meanwhile, they're now streaming Shirley Valentine on Netflix. smile

kml #2547788 03/15/15 05:04 AM
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Hi mighty! Just catching up with your posts.
I'll be praying for you. Divorce sux. MLC sux.
There. It's out there.

Now...Let's go to Greece:-)

In His love

Vge1

Romans 8:28

vge1 #2547813 03/15/15 09:26 AM
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I'd love to go to Greece! The alone part is tough but I am starting to see that it is okay to be alone but being lonely is an entirely different issue.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
&#8213; Maya Angelou



123Gwen #2547862 03/15/15 02:36 PM
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Yep, Greece is really high up on my bucket list. smile

uRworthy #2547900 03/15/15 04:53 PM
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My Grandma went to Greece after my Grandpa's MLC (he left her her for his secretary after 35 years of marriage). I have her travel journal. Trip of a lifetime. I'm in.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2547931 03/15/15 07:15 PM
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Hi Mighty,
Funny you should be talking about Greece. Way back when, about 10 months after I started dating my W, one of my closest friends invited me to go with him and his brother to Greece for a vacation. I only had 2 weeks vacation and my W and I had talked about doing a trip to Jamaica together but no plans were made. In the end, I decided to go to Jamaica with her and skipped the trip to Greece. That trip was the first time we talked about someday getting M. Who knows what would have happened if I had gone to Greece instead. My friend went with his brother and they had a great time. I wonder what would have happened if I had gone to Greece instead? I'll never know.

So, count me in if you do end up going to Greece! We should all makes plans and have an LBS vacation package! Heck, we could probably have enough to do a charter and save tons on the cost!

Matt165 #2548056 03/16/15 10:45 AM
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Go to Greece Mighty. I did a cruise last year that had three stops in Greece. It's amazing. I'm going back in Sept for four days when I go visit my son in the UK


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Karma12 #2548501 03/17/15 06:31 PM
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I'm in for a trip to Greece...or anywhere for that matter. smile

uRworthy #2548633 03/18/15 02:42 AM
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Happy St. Patty's!!

I have been in a place of... movement... lately. Contemplation... two steps forward, one step back. Actually, that saying, the "step" thing, never really seemed appropriate enough. But, really, when I think about it, it is pretty accurate. It is a bit of a boomerang journey. And for me, when I go "back" it seems like I can't get past that place... like my "back" is stuck in a low place. Really though, I'm realizing that my forward is progressing. My step back is quicker and I stay there for a shorter amount of time. Blah, blah...

I think without all these setbacks or periods of cycles, I'd be better, but I think that they have really shaken me to the core, and that's what I needed. Just when I thought I had heard it all... been through it... on my way up... I get a whole new awareness brought to my attention. And man, has the Lord gotten my attention! It has been about an average of around every two to three months of kicks to the gut. But, I know that there must be a reason. I don't think I would have fully made the necessary changes if it hadn't gotten to this point. Some things, I really... well... it's really hard. I wish I didn't have to endure. I think the few others who have gone through similar have done it much more gracefully than I. But, it's my reality now. And, I am starting to awaken to it. It's pretty harsh. But, I think it can be more than that too.

I am finding some peace. Some acceptance in some of my sitch. Still, the reality of it can easily bring me to tears, but I can say that I have honest and good intentions for everyone. And when I say that, I mean it. I really want to feel real genuine peace and happiness. No animosity.

Things are changing. This really is a whole body experience. I feel everything in my body. At this point, my arms and legs are getting better. Sounds silly, but it's true. When I say I was paralyzed, it was a physical, mental, and emotional state. Now, I have a little more energy, I'm moving with more excitement and a lot more. My brain feels happier. I am more aware of things and can find more enjoyment. My job is better, by interaction with people, those kinds of things. Plus, I'm more focused and get more done. My "To Do" list is getting checked off. Yet, the most difficult is the internal weight, darkness... sadness remains. I can still be happy and laugh- it's mental. But, physically, it's like I could make a circle, from my neck, right around to just below my ribs... that's where I still feel the... void. The sadness. It's OK. I am just aware of it. Even when I am doing well... it just know it is there. Constant. I am sure it will slowly dissipate. Probably not entirely.

I do still get surges of intense frustration, anger.... reality. Last night, for example.... I know I'm in for a no-sleep-kind-of-night when that happens. It is right about when I start to doze off when I get the jolt. Uh oh. That's it. I'm done.

As far as my feelings about xh. Well... I'm sad. He's gone. He's really, really far gone. It is so hard to digest. It's just reality. I don't even think I could even see him in my life anymore. It's kind of like a balancing act... the transition of my life. Tipping over at the reality of losing him... yet tipping in the other direction at the thought of having him now in my life. Neither are obtainable. Neither will happen. One is gone, the other I don't want. It leaves me in the middle... feeling like I don't know what to grasp onto. Yet, I know... it's not him. I've now got me. That's where I need to build.

As far as hww.. blah. Said too much already. Don't even care anymore. Seldom I get things that bother me about her anymore. It's almost like the last of the things I need to work though to get past. The aftershocks that pop up when I don't expect it. The damage is done. Dealing with it. Then an aftershock. But, the aftershock lasts as long as the thought... then it's over.

Bottom line... he does not want to be in a r with me. If he did... he would. And, now... I have a much better view of the sitch. I still have more to see. It's a friggin train wreck... but I'm putting the pieces together too.

My kids picked me up from work today. We went to my parents for a St. Patty's dinner. We watched a movie. It was a nice time. D14 stayed there. She has been sick and isn't going to school tomorrow, so she is going to stay there and be babied by her grandparents.

It has been 5 weeks since I sent xh the nc text. 4 weeks since he stopped. The longest in 20 years. I know it doesn't seem like a long time. Some day it will be a drop in the bucket. But, it is an adjustment. I still have my moments every day. They sukk, and are really tough. But, I am doing this. I am moving on. Moving forward. Starting to see things for my future. Starting to think more on my terms. And it is a little exciting.

I have simple moments where I wonder if xh is happy. It is a tough thought. Not that I don't want him to be... but like this... it's hard. To be able to throw me away like this after 20 years with out so much as a "see ya later" or "Hey, thanks for 20 years" or "Bye".... well.... that's hard. Really hard. Incredibly hard. It tears me up. I just don't comprehend that. At all. So... I just can't focus on it. I am not sure how someone can be happy with their life while doing that. But, if he can be... well that says a lot. And, just keeps me moving... in the other direction.

Sooo.... it sounds like we are planning a trip??????? A group excursion? I mean... that would be so FUN! I'm gonna tell ya... this bs or not.... I can def turn it up. We can have a great time. Now, Greece seems like a while away for me... $$ wise. Not off the table... but I'm just entering college years for my kids... so maybe starting with something.... less abroad??

Tell me where and when... lets do this.

Mighty #2548634 03/18/15 03:00 AM
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I think we should do it!


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2548637 03/18/15 03:11 AM
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Mighty, first of all, that post was beautiful. I have a lot I want to say about it, but, i want to gather my thoughts.

And yea, Greece isnt in the cards for me financially now..but, its a goal.

But I think it would be amazing to meet anywhere...

Mighty #2548659 03/18/15 05:59 AM
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Hi Mighty,
So much of what you wrote I can relate to. Not to hijack your thread but when I see that my D15 has told my W that a big reason she is cutting herself is because of her actions and she STILL doesn't want to admit that what she has done, the way she did it, when she did (when my D was leaving a private middle school for HS and was going to lose many of her lifetime friends already but because W moved so far she lost ALL her friends and was thrust into a sitch where she had no one), the fact that she could be so selfish as to not care how her actions hurt those that counted on her the most and STILL feel "justified" in doing what she did shows just how small a person she has become. Like you with you xh in your sitch, in my case how she can see her own child mutilate herself because W had to run away to find "joy" and she can be happy living that life makes me wonder just what kind of person she truly is and always was, deep inside. Not someone I could ever be with again and feel the same way about, that is certain.

Yet at the same time the loss of our R also hurts physically. The fact that she doesn't want me isn't as bad as the fact that she is so OK with making those who love her pay such a high price for her to be "happy". I get angry that I didn't see she was capable of this, trusted her enough to have children with her, to open myself up to her so completely only to have her kick me where it counts to make herself feel better about what SHE is doing that is so hurtful. To watch her twist logic and reality in a vain attempt to justify her actions makes me so deeply sad, a sadness I too feel in my body as well as my soul.

To listen to my beautiful, smart, caring D talk about the pain of being moved from one home to another every week, how she feels like her own mother see's her as a "bother", an impediment to the life she would rather be living , feels so much anxiety that she actually cut open her flesh to let it out and now feels like a worthless idiot for doing it causes me physical pain worse than any I've ever felt. And knowing it was because of the actions of the person I loved and trusted more than any other just makes it worse.

I also feel that void deep down. That feeling that "something" important is missing at my core. I think it's trust. At this point I don't know if I will ever be able to fully trust any other person again. How do you ever get past the fact that the ONE person we trusted completely causes so much destruction and pain. How could we not be aware that inside that person was this new one who has come out and totally turned our worlds upside down? I think that void comes from knowing for the first time in so many years that we are really, truly alone in the world. Not only didn't we get a "Hey, thanks for the 20 years" we got blamed for every bad feeling,every bit of unhappiness they have felt since we've known them. Told that it was our fault that they "have" to run away and hurt so many people. We know all we ever did was try and be good S's and friends. That our intentions were only good yet here they are spewing at us and telling us what failures WE are. Not an easy thing to take.

I also get the that while you don't want your xh NOT to be happy, it's so hard to take thinking he actually can be doing what he is. And if my W and your xh can be happy doing what they are......we really need to move in the opposite direction to get away from someone like that.

Mighty you are not alone, we both need to remember that we aren't what they make us out to be. We have value. We will make it through this and be better for it. And like Shining says, there will be bacon at the end!

Matt165 #2548668 03/18/15 09:36 AM
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Great posts, Mighty -- and Matt. So glad to hear you are on the upswing Mighty. Keep processing, keep writing. You help so many by doing that! And as for a trip, a getaway for the LBS's? Count me in!!


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
LiveNow #2548761 03/18/15 03:33 PM
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Mighty,

Your post made me smile big....really big. It is a process and you are going to be even more fabulous than you already are (if that is possible). I am thrilled for you. Yes, you will still have some caca days, and that is okay.

Hey! I can totally turn it up too. I'm in for a trip:)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Georgiabelle #2548773 03/18/15 04:04 PM
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Mighty, you are turning a BIG corner right now.... atta girl! I love where this is heading. (cue the Nirvana themed rocking out head banging). I wear plaid in your honor. cool

And I am going to ride cheerleader-piggy-back on GB (because that's how we roll) and concur with her comment about the caca days. I still have them, and probably always will. It shifts, tho.

Did someone say TRIP???

Mighty #2548775 03/18/15 04:09 PM
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Quote:
I have simple moments where I wonder if xh is happy. It is a tough thought. Not that I don't want him to be... but like this... it's hard. To be able to throw me away like this after 20 years with out so much as a "see ya later" or "Hey, thanks for 20 years" or "Bye".... well.... that's hard. Really hard. Incredibly hard. It tears me up. I just don't comprehend that. At all. So... I just can't focus on it. I am not sure how someone can be happy with their life while doing that. But, if he can be... well that says a lot. And, just keeps me moving... in the other direction.


Being a scientific/nerdy/engineering type, ^^^ was/is very difficult for me to get past, since I want to know the answer, to make sense of it, to understand...

I finally am at that point where 99% of the time I accept that there are questions that won't/can't be answered.... made sense of... that closure is not going to be given.

Sounds like you are getting there... that acceptance point...but it is a bear to get through and to...

Keep going...
smile


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

TSquared2 #2548824 03/18/15 06:13 PM
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Mighty

So ... yeah .. I LOVED that post, you wear it on your sleeve and I totally dig that about you .. .there is not a doubt about where you stand regardless ... that trait is kick a$$ honestly. This is as about as centered as I can recall reading on you in some time .. and that's just a great thing.

So yeah .. the trip .. I would love to ... call it GAL so I have an excuse eh? I'm down.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Mighty #2548837 03/18/15 06:50 PM
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My friend, I so admire your honesty. Really looking at your feelings is what will get you through this.

When you take a step back, it isnt necessarily a bad thing. It just means that you needed to revisit a feeling in order to let it go. It isnt a setback. It is a what you need to do in order to move forward. All part of this process. It's when you live there, that causes you to be stuck.

I always say I wish I didnt have to learn what I needed to in the way that I did. But then, it would have been a different journey.

I dont agree with you about you moving thruogh this with less grace than others, M. To me, you have acted with courange and dignity through some horrific things.

Finding some peace is a good thing. You arent ready for total forgiveness yet and that is ok.

I completely get what you mean by a total body experience. It is a jolt to the system. Everything that we thought to be true, is no longer. It feels wrong, deep inside. That then extends to other parts of the body.

When I was going through all of this, I remember that I would have a day or two where I was doing well, then something small would bring it all back to the surface again. That searing pain, the emptiness and the confusion. You are working through it. That is what matters, Mighty. You are getting up and living your life.

I walked the journey with my bud, Trav. And yea, he wanted to understand it badly. The truth is, how can we? It is so foreign to us. We arent in crisis. We havent done what they have. Some things in life just arent explained. Like, when a child dies or someone gets cancer. We cant understand it. It doesnt make sense. Yet, we have to just accept it.

You are right where you are supposed to be, Mighty. One foot in front of the other. You are grieving and that takes time.

This is a very sad thing, the breakup of a marriage and a family. It just is. And if we didnt feel the way we do, what would that say about us?

I wish I could tell you that you wont always feel something about this. But that isnt the truth. It wont be a searing pain, but, rather a dull ache when you think about it.

You are doing great, sweetie. Keep following your path. Keep remembering where you came from and who you have become. Never forget how strong you are.

uRworthy #2549051 03/19/15 09:33 AM
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Mighty, just wanted to chime in that I have considered you graciousness in the face of an awful situation. You have been battered by all of this mentally and by extent that is something that takes a physical toll. I understand what you mean about the physical response.

You are doing really well but that can be hard to see when you are in the center of the storm. For a long while things were required of you to just get through the day. H's presence required certain coping strategies. Now that some things have happened it is kind of like after a funeral when everyone else has gone back to their lives. You remain but the have to do it list is not required so dealing with the grief takes on a different tone.

Gracious Mighty know that you have been acting from a place of love for your family and your marriage. Embrace that but now is the time to act completely from a place of love for yourself. You of all the people in this situation deserve that love most of all.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
&#8213; Maya Angelou



123Gwen #2549261 03/19/15 08:12 PM
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Oh MIGHTY - I feel your pain. Know that we are here for each other. Love, support, thoughts, and prayers. You are amazing and so blessed. Remember that! Those 20 years were NOT a waste. They are part of who you are whether the MLC'er realizes that or not is up to them. They may never get it but you know they weren't a waste. Let's get ready for the rest of our time - rejoicing that our lives are gonna be better than before!

The depths of this place can't be measured but neither can the highs. We are all flying through the valleys but those are temporary. Let's get to the mountain top!!

I'm up for an excursion - time for US - y'all.

In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

vge1 #2549298 03/19/15 09:46 PM
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Alrighty, Mighty.... I read this and thought of you, as UR always says, and as the lovely vge1 wrote above:


"No matter what.
NOBODY
CAN TAKE AWAY
THE DANCES
YOU'VE ALREADY HAD."

-Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Shining #2549476 03/20/15 04:29 PM
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Hey everyone. Sounds like we could have a pretty fun getaway! Hmmm... what's a good location that is accessible to all?? Chicago... Vegas? Ideas... suggestions?

And, I want to thank everyone who has chimed in here, given support, and is ready to GAL! So, back attcha- Heather, uR, Matt, GB, Shining, TSquared, Cali, Gwen, vge.

You guys had some great things to post. There were a few specific things which really struck a chord with me. I'm gonna get into that in a minute. There were other things that simply brought a smile to my face. Which, personally, I miss. Feels good to smile and enjoy life and others. So- thanks for that!

I took today off for a couple of appointments and to get a few things done. I am certainly getting better by the day. I am embracing my independence. I am looking forward to what's to come. I have a sense of relief and freedom. My mind is thinking now of all these things I can do... I dig it.

Yesterday was a good day. I felt good pretty much all day. Then, in the evening, my mind started working against me. It reminds me of a the lights on the police car. The way it goes around and round, it's like the way my mind goes around when I get like that. Accompanied by the annoying siren! So I had to stop, sit down, and think- what started this? What is making my mind race? Why am I doing this? I realized it started as soon as d14 told me that xh was going to pick her up in the morning to take her to Tim Hortons (like a Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts) in the morning. He takes her and her friend occasionally in the morn before school. So, my mind started thinking about his drive-through r he has with the kids. His r consist of picking one of them up- once in awhile, and going through the drive through of Tim Horton's and dropping them off. OK, so that's where it started---- and cue crazy-brain. It is off to the races at that point. Yet, stopping and figuring out what triggered crazy-brain helped me. I was able to put it to rest.

Later in the evening, I told s18 to text his dad to pick him up in the morning for school (when he p/u d14). S18 gets a ride from him every other week (he takes my car while I car pool). S18 said he would find a different ride bc he really wasn't happy with xh right now. He is still mad about last week when xh made him late to school (it wasn't bc he was late that made him upset). D14 told me s18 was mad, but s18 hadn't mentioned anything to me until last night. He said he pretty much told xh off bc xh called s18 to say he was late but was on {xxx} road (the road he lives w hww} and it set s18 off. Xh has not mentioned at all to the kids about staying there. S18 said he cussed xh out in the car on the way to school for making him late while he was over there messing around with .... (hww). He said xh didn't say one word; he "accepted it."

I can't believe that xh lets s18 talk to him like this. But I also feel badly for my kids bc they are trying to figure out what the heck is going on and xh doesn't say anything. As far as what he told them before was that he was moving out of hww's and never going back. They see now that he isn't around at bil, but they are under the impression that he still lives there, I guess. They say things, yet very seldom, in which I know they observed xh wasn't at bil when they were looking for him. But, it is so confusing, and I know exactly how they feel. It is like they feel how I did about a month ago.

This morning, xh canceled on d14. He texted her early and said he didn't feel good and couldn't take her to Tim Hortons and they would reschedule. She said he was fine last night, but thought that he wouldn't want to take her friend to school then drop her back off at home so I could take her to her appointment. (He didn't know about that when he made plans with her. She told him last night about her appointment.)

That's the second time in the past couple weeks he has told d14 he doesn't feel good.

For me- it would just be easier if I didn't have to even hear about him, or if he moved to another planet.

Mighty #2549489 03/20/15 05:23 PM
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Hi Mighty!

I'm so sorry for your kiddos. Poor babies. So feel your pain.

I agree we should assign a planet for those who are going through a MLC. Just for a while. I think they need to get this junk out of their system. It would help us and may help them detox. This stuff is UGLY... Praying that God reveals truth and removes the scales from their eyes and ears.

Praying for you too.

I'm up for a trip - anywhere. Name it!

In His Love,

VGE1

Romans 8:28

vge1 #2549511 03/20/15 06:12 PM
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I agree we should assign a planet for those who are going through a MLC.


There is at least one!! Planet Zog is where my xh (still) lives most of the time, when he isn't orbiting. Bless. When the pain goes away you feel rather sorry for them and their pathetic little lives.

Mighty #2549512 03/20/15 06:19 PM
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Matt- Yes, we will get through and be better! We are getting there... always a work in progress, right? How is your d? I hope she is doing better. I think that sometimes just having the opportunity go let your feelings known allows for a sense of relief. Hopefully it has helped her some by addressing her feelings.

Live- great to hear from you. Sounds like you are doing well. I am so glad for that. I am not really sure how my writing helps, but I do like to. I'd like to do do it more. It's a good outlet for me.

GB, you always make me smile! Glad you had a good work trip. Ready for another, right?! (Minus the work!)

Shining- thanks for your endless support. You're my girl. Dig the flannel too. D14 actually bought a flannel the other day. OMG!

Great to hear from you TSquared. You have made an amazing transition into your "new" life (for lack of a better word). And acceptance is a hurdle. I find that it is happening in bits, for me. Some things are easier to accept than others. I know exactly what will be the most difficult for me. I am avoiding right now... dealing with the bearable. And yeah, doing this without answers- makes it tricky. My mind tends to mess with me about that. So- realizing they won't come- is the first step. But, in a way, xh's respite here helped in a way with some answers. I have a better idea of "things" as skewed as they are. Some ways it makes it more difficult and confusing- like how "miserable" he was and relieved to be away from hww... yet appears like an addictive drug that he can't resist.

From Cali:
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So ... yeah .. I LOVED that post, you wear it on your sleeve and I totally dig that about you .. .there is not a doubt about where you stand regardless ... that trait is kick a$$ honestly. This is as about as centered as I can recall reading on you in some time .. and that's just a great thing.

Ya know, Cali... I have been having a hard time accepting any type of compliments- especially these days. But, I am going to take this as a compliment. And, I am very flattered. Thank you.

uR- you really had me thinking. Well, like you unveiled some things for me. This:
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When you take a step back, it isnt necessarily a bad thing. It just means that you needed to revisit a feeling in order to let it go. It isnt a setback. It is a what you need to do in order to move forward. All part of this process. It's when you live there, that causes you to be stuck.
Hadn't quite thought of it like that, but it makes sense. And, it is a relief to think of it like that. The reality of it too is that I can feel that it is also true. Letting go of things helps to process others. Just like the more of a puzzle you complete, the easier it gets.

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I dont agree with you about you moving thruogh this with less grace than others, M. To me, you have acted with courange and dignity through some horrific things.
uR, this one was huge. And, it made me think about how you would tell me that I am being hard on myself. I never understood how I was being hard on myself. But, when you said this ^^^, I saw it. I realized, that I may not be the textbook definition of graceful, but I have handled a lot of this well. I thought about my interactions w xh. I chose to take the high road w him. When he would get angry or try to poke at me, I did not engage. And, I have grown tremendously in how I respond and interact with people because of this. And, even during the time when hww was having the baby, I was supportive to xh, encouraging, and would tell him that she is a blessing in his life and that he will have many happy memories to make w her and things like that. Yeah, I've had moments, but it's OK. I'm allowed to be human, after all. I have been hurt like never before. And w hww... lets just say she is lucky I've grown so freaking much. smirk

Thanks, uR, for helping me grow.

Gwen:
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You are doing really well but that can be hard to see when you are in the center of the storm. For a long while things were required of you to just get through the day. H's presence required certain coping strategies. Now that some things have happened it is kind of like after a funeral when everyone else has gone back to their lives. You remain but the have to do it list is not required so dealing with the grief takes on a different tone.
Right on, Gwen. It is hard to see from inside the storm. That's why I knew I needed some space from xh. And I think right now, he doesn't know how to step outside of the storm. And, for me, getting away from it has brought so much clarity. Lots to go... and clean up from the storm's damage continues. But, it's happening. That's the good thing. And this Gwen:
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Gracious Mighty know that you have been acting from a place of love for your family and your marriage.
That gave me the same realization as what uR posted. I thought, yeah, that is so true. All my emotions and feelings came from my love for my family and marriage. Yes, I did whatever I could for this. That is so smart yet simple. I loved my marriage. I would have done anything to save it. Can't be done alone.

The thought I had yesterday was how much I loved my husband. I loved him so much. Was so in love with him. Was totally attracted to him. In my eyes, there was no other man on the planet who could compare to him. I would have done anything in the world for him and for us. My husband is gone. He isn't with hww. That is not my husband. And I don't want that guy. She can have him. I got the best of him. I have those memories (and those dances, right, Shining?!). It's all good. I can find peace in this.

vge- You are right. Those 20 years are a part of me. I learned so much in those years. I have lots to be grateful for to xh. He taught me things I will know for the rest of my life. I have memories and most of my best moments with him. They are wonderful memories which I will forever cherish. vge, please know that I think of you often. Your grace and dignity are to be admired. You help me keep perspective. You are in my prayers and I appreciate you checking in on me.

Thanks everyone. You are the best. You have played an integral role in helping me get through the most difficult days in my life. I hope I can help you all in some way someday.

Mighty #2549522 03/20/15 07:20 PM
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Those 20 years are a part of me. I learned so much in those years. I have lots to be grateful for to xh. He taught me things I will know for the rest of my life. I have memories and most of my best moments with him. They are wonderful memories which I will forever cherish.


Yes, it helped me to think of it this way: I got 26 mostly-good years out of my marriage, and three great kids, and that's a lot more than most people get, so who am I to complain?

Quote:

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I dont agree with you about you moving thruogh this with less grace than others, M. To me, you have acted with courange and dignity through some horrific things.
uR, this one was huge. And, it made me think about how you would tell me that I am being hard on myself. I never understood how I was being hard on myself. But, when you said this ^^^, I saw it. I realized, that I may not be the textbook definition of graceful, but I have handled a lot of this well. I thought about my interactions w xh. I chose to take the high road w him. When he would get angry or try to poke at me, I did not engage. And, I have grown tremendously in how I respond and interact with people because of this. And, even during the time when hww was having the baby, I was supportive to xh, encouraging, and would tell him that she is a blessing in his life and that he will have many happy memories to make w her and things like that. Yeah, I've had moments, but it's OK. I'm allowed to be human, after all. I have been hurt like never before. And w hww... lets just say she is lucky I've grown so freaking much. smirk


Mighty, I think the mere fact that you didn't spray paint "HWW is a husband-stealing HO" on the front of her house is proof that you handled yourself well!!!! wink

kml #2549530 03/20/15 07:45 PM
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When you take a step back, it isnt necessarily a bad thing. It just means that you needed to revisit a feeling in order to let it go. It isnt a setback. It is a what you need to do in order to move forward. All part of this process. It's when you live there, that causes you to be stuck.
This resonated with me too. Sometimes I wonder if I’m stuck.

Mighty, what a great post! I’m glad you are having more “feel better” moments. I’m holding on to mine, trying not to make that step back.

Love this!
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Mighty, I think the mere fact that you didn't spray paint "HWW is a husband-stealing HO" on the front of her house is proof that you handled yourself well!!!!


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
BrightFuture #2549545 03/20/15 08:37 PM
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Mighty, I think the mere fact that you didn't spray paint "HWW is a husband-stealing HO" on the front of her house is proof that you handled yourself well!!!!


Ellie- it would be impossible for me to count the number of times the thought crossed my mind.

Hi Bright!

Bea- do they only give one way tickets to that planet?

Mighty #2549566 03/20/15 09:19 PM
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Ellie- it would be impossible for me to count the number of times the thought crossed my mind.


See? That's what I mean - you have exhibited REMARKABLE self control!!

kml #2549670 03/21/15 07:07 AM
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First off ^^^^^^^what she said!! and not just the house - car, and ideally a tattoo on her forehead. Forwards and back so she sees it in the mirror and everyone else when she walks around. Oh and his car too . . . . Billboards would be nice on his route to work and hers to the supermarket (or wherever she goes) . . . . However, a tv campaign, apart from the expense, might look a shade vindictive and even obsessive.

Second
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The thought I had yesterday was how much I loved my husband. I loved him so much. Was so in love with him. Was totally attracted to him. In my eyes, there was no other man on the planet who could compare to him. I would have done anything in the world for him and for us. My husband is gone. He isn't with hww. That is not my husband. And I don't want that guy. She can have him. I got the best of him. I have those memories (and those dances, right, Shining?!). It's all good. I can find peace in this.


Yes, so well put, You have an amazing capability to write honestly about your feelings, to put into words what so many of us feel or have felt.

If you don't write a lot in your current job you might consider ways you can use this gift more.

beatrice #2549867 03/21/15 11:53 PM
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I've been thinking about this all week long.

I loved my husband with everything I had. I still love him.

But, here's the thing. I don't want him to be happy. I just don't. If I learn, like Bea, in 10 years that he is still suffering and trying to find his way...I'm fairly sure I will still feel some satisfaction.

I know it's not the self-actualized "thing" and I "need" to let go and forgive and plant flowers for my dead, zombie-like husband...but, that competitive part of me that has allowed people to walk all over me...well, that person really wants him to rot in he!! for what he's done.

And, for MY journey...this feels like the healthiest thing in the world. I'm finally done making excuses for him and analyzing his psyche.

I'm angry with how I've been treated...pretty much like a junkyard dog. And, I'm angry with how my children have been treated.

Something...NO. EVERYTHING inside me says that this anger deserves it's moment in the sun.

The place I'm at now???

I'm looking at my life and wondering Who would I be if the sucky people hadn't infected me with their ick?

WHO would I be?
WHO DOES GOD SEE? Because I don't think God sees the person after the ick. I think HE still the sees the person HE created.
WHO is THAT person?
HOW can I find her and bring her to the surface despite these dumb-fuc.s who tarnished this beautiful thing God made. ME :-)

I know it sounds harsh and not Christian and self-actualized.

But, honestly, I feel a calling to use this anger. I can't imagine an Olympic athlete looks at his/her competition with pity and forgiveness. That athlete is competing.

The people on this board have been dealt some tragic cards. I'm looking around at the people I work with and deal with daily. I know other people are mistreated in marriages...I know marriages end.

But, the stuff that happens on these boards is above and beyond. I've NEVER met another person who had a husband get another woman pregnant after being married for nearly 20 years. I know it happens, but it's rare.

We are rare. We are in rare situations. WE have been given rare opportunities here. WE are serious survivors.

I'm not sure what my point was. It's just been brewing in me all week.

I'm sick of being fair and nice and forgiving.

Honestly, I think part of surviving all this ick is recreating yourself in such a way that your life is so much better than it was...there's not comparison. And, I can't see how I can get there by being wishing Smokey all the happiness.

I want him to regret his decisions like nothing else. He left ME. What an idiot. I want him to ache with pain because of the pain he caused. And, I want to continue to feel this way until he dies. Meanwhile, I want to be happy and not think about him. Ever again.

Childish? Yep.

Is this wrong?


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
beatrice #2549869 03/22/15 12:05 AM
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Dang it, Ellie! You are right! I have exerted some serious self control.

(Well.... except that ONE time.... the only time I have seen hww in person... I never told EXACTLY what happened. BUT- I still maintained self control- when you look at the big picture. As far as what happened.....

bea- thank you! Writing is the best way for me to process my feelings and thoughts. I don't put much thought into it- I just let it loose. Which is why my posts end up being lengthy a lot of the times. My fingers go like 100 MPH. I don't really proof or check back, so I know sometimes it is like a jumbled mess. That's a good look in to my brain! Jumbled!

Today was ok. Had a good morning. Feeling strong. Xh ended up p/u d14 yesterday and taking her for about an hour. They went to T Hortons and the store. He stopped at bil for about a half hour after he dropped her off. Its now weird seeing his truck there, but i guess he is just picking up some things here and there. (No one was home)

This afternoon d14 and I went shopping. A little retail therapy... (we had to get some stuff for our trip). But, going to the mall stresses me out! It is right across the street from where xh and hww work. I know they aren't there, but they are big-time shoppers. That's like her life. So, for some reason, that's all I can think about while I am in the mall. It is like torture! I know it sounds so lame- I mean, she doesn't OWN shopping! But it bothers the heck out of me. And seeing young girls there bothers the heck out of me. It is just so hard imagining xh with someone that age. That, too.... torture.

Personally, I have never been a big shopper. But, I don't mind going with d14 usually. But, I get all sick feeling now. Especially being in that area. Where I know their r started. Going out to lunch and stuff. It is like retail mania all surrounding their work. And that is what they have in common. Not to mention the huge Babies R Us right there.

I'm going to be honest- the baby thing- that is going to be the most difficult thing for me. I am avoiding it as if I were xh dealing with the truth- I'm not.

After I was told that we would not be able to have another baby, I was really sad. I was so grateful that I was blessed with two healthy, amazing kids. I changed my mindset and decided to focus myself on the great family I already had. Yet, I really wasn't able to look at babies anymore. Not that I would get upset- I didn't allow myself to go there. I just avoided. Completely.

And now.

It's a whole new level.

One I didn't know even existed. Totally PTSD.

I can't look at it on tv. It may be my favorite show, and I can't even watch the episode if there is a baby on.

There is a new girl at work, she is pregnant. She probably thinks I am the biggest b, because I just can't even look at her.

When people talk about babies or anything- I freak out inside. Pictures, movies, anything.... I. freak. out. inside.

Today, d14 was in the changing room trying on bathing suits. I was waiting outside and realized, I was surrounded by maternity clothes. UGH!

Strollers. Everywhere.

Babies crying. Everywhere.

Little girls with their daddy. Everywhere.

Even seeing little boys- freaks me out. Xh is spending his life now with a little boy who isn't his. While his kids don't have a father around anymore.

Freaks. Me. Out.

There. It's out. My biggest obstacle. Mt. Everest.

I hate that feeling. Like going places is now tainted bc of them. I can't even take my d shopping w/o feeling terrorized. Even without the baby thing. That just adds to it.

I don't know. I just wish they lived so far away. It makes it worse knowing that they are all over these places and that I could run into them. Just the thought alone.... fight or flight... it's a coin toss. It's a really weird feeling to acknowledge the fact that I have no idea- at all- how I would respond to a certain situation. And the thing is, sometimes I could see myself acting one way, other times a different way, and most of the time- I have no idea.

So, other than that, I am doing great. But these things take a bit of a toll. D14 asked why I kept taking deep breaths. I don't even realize. It's just the weight of being there.

Mighty #2549873 03/22/15 12:22 AM
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Mighty,

It sounds very normal to me.

You will reach a point where the "reminders" won't bug you as much and it will be easier to push the thoughts aside.

Because Matt and I had a lifetime of memories where we lived...we knew each other since kids...it was difficult for me to start fresh in the midst of so many memories. For me, I needed to break away and I could tell the kids needs a fresh start too.

Still, lots of people on these boards have gone on to find happiness without leaving the home they shared with their former spouse.

Whatever you decide, I know you will be fine. I'm so glad you are heading south for a bit. I think it will do you and the kids a world of good to revisit happiness and life without Jerry Springer.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Mighty #2549876 03/22/15 12:29 AM
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Heather- dang, I've missed you.

yeah, I don't want him unhappy bc he isn't w me. It's how everything went down. If he had to do this to us to be happy... uh... skrew dat! Some respect and decency would have gone a long way.

It goes against every fiber of my being to not love and cherish xh. Yes- even after this. It is not normal for me to want him to be well. But- like this? To be with her? After what they both knowingly did to my family. No. I won't ever be "happy" for them to be "happy." Never. I don't wish him ill... but I will NEVER bless that union.

Now, I see them as dinky. For the most part, when I think of them, my thoughts are fleeting (outside of trigger things as explained today). But, on a daily basis when they come to mind, I see them as small, meaningless, little things.

With that said- I need to get through these trigger places so I can see them like that in all aspects of my life. TAKE MY POWER BACK!

Mighty #2549878 03/22/15 12:36 AM
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Oh man, Mighty, I'm not pushing YOU to feel a certain way. I'm really not. It always touches a nerve...this forgiveness issue.

I wasn't judging. REALLY.

I'm just trying to find what works for me.

I'm glad you are finding what works for you.

For some reason, I need the anger right now. I don't think I will need it always, but it's been really strong lately. IDK.

Sorry, I was just sorting through the feelings on your thread because it came up.

As I embrace how special and wonderful I am, I get angrier with how I was treated.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2549879 03/22/15 12:47 AM
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It's like I spent my life believing I didn't know what I was talking about...I didn't trust myself...so, I believed what the people around me told me...what they told me about ME, about my choices, about who I AM, what I should do, how I should do it, etc...

Now, I'm seeing the world isn't flat after all. It's round. And, I've spent a lifetime building a life/dreams based upon this idea that the world is flat.

NOW, I find that I have to recreate this entire foundation of my beliefs. The core of what I thought has proven to be untrue and I've been living my life on some false beliefs. Not only do I have to reboot, but I have to switch my hard drive to a better program that works for me.

And, I guess I'm angry that I lost so much time being loyally devoted to people who threw me out with the garbage.

Kinda like, part of me is going, "So, wait. I wasn't a piece of shid? And, you still treated me like I was? And, then, told me I deserved it? I had value after all."

Sorry for the hi-jack. That helps.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2549880 03/22/15 12:54 AM
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Oh, Heather... I wan't disagreeing with you. Sorry I wasn't clear. I actually agree and understand with you. And I think you are right- the anger is what helps you get through. It is what helped me. I know I have a lot more to work through... and I hope I get some of the anger again if that's what I need to get through it.

I guess what I meant is that I can't believe that I would get to this point of my feelings for xh. Bc I cherished him- he was my family- so important. But for him to be happy for him to do this to HIS family- I just dont know how HE could find happiness that way, and it seems impossible for me to wish him well like this. I just can't.

I totally get what you are saying. I hope the anger and frustration moves you to the place you need to be. I know for me, it helped take me out of the situation and see what I am dealing with. Put things in perspective and stand up for ME! That I don't deserve that. I deserve respect. To be treated with decency. With a morsel of compassion. Like I have been part of his life- for 20 years!

Frig... the frigger.

I feel ya!

Mighty #2549881 03/22/15 12:55 AM
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And it's no hijack! We are in this together! Whatever helps- do it!

Mighty #2549939 03/22/15 08:40 AM
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I don't think we have to like what has happened to us. What I do now know is that there is a payout (as my xh has admitted - in fact he said I was 'frighteningly right' in my predictions about him and first OW!!

What did he expect?

As for the third baby. I am sorry about that. However, I have reached a point in life where not having to shop for either diapers or cat litter strikes me as a blessing.

I try (not always successfully) to look at what I do not have as apositively as possible. Even being poorer than I used to be has been interesting. You meet great people when bargain hunting. Dire poverty and childlessness are not fun, but less money or not as many children as we would like, well that is a matter of adjusting our thinking.

Your xh and ow will not be happy long term, I can almost guarantee that. He is in crisis (not fun anyway - read the posts of those living with MLCers) and she is self centred, lazy and immmature, from what you have posted. Not exactly a recipe for domestic blsss. Add in a small child . . . . .

Good relationsihps do far more than satisfy a person's immmediate needs. It takes wisdom and maturity to see this.

Whenever you do have to see your xh try and look as if life has given you a great gift. He will then go back to a difficult and grumpy woman and wonder . . . . . .

beatrice #2550043 03/22/15 07:51 PM
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I just dont know how HE could find happiness that way, and it seems impossible for me to wish him well like this. I just can't.
It's possible he can't either, Mighty. And it's ok if you can't. Apathy will be perfectly acceptable later as well. smile

Something to think about. There's a big difference between wishing somebody to be punished (to see they were wrong?) and understanding what they did to you was wrong. You know it was wrong, but should you be the one to punish him? Do you want to stick around and see that? Seems like a lot of energy for almost no payoff.

The thing is, he hurt you. There's pain associated with that. But do you have to return that? Is that who you are? Somebody who needs to balance the books? I haven't seen that in you so far. I see somebody who was hurt deeply and wasn't given a choice. Somebody who was vilified and then hurt again by somebody she trusted.

I don't see somebody who would be happy and joyful in her own life if she balanced the books with him. I'm not saying you should let him continue to hurt you nor am I saying to just forget it. I am suggesting to accept the difference between what he did and how his life will play out. I don't think you want to be around for the remainder of the show. It'll get in the way of your own pursuit of joy (happiness is a dog's emotion; joy is something else altogether in my opinion. A happy person can't be happy when things are difficult. A joyful person can experience much more of life and remain joyful.)

What I took from Bea's post? Let him pursue his life in the way he chooses. What happens happens. I can't see how it's a good thing either, but I don't see through his eyes and I don't have to live that life. I have joy to seek... smile

Peace,
AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2550068 03/22/15 10:25 PM
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I don't see somebody who would be happy and joyful in her own life if she balanced the books with him. I'm not saying you should let him continue to hurt you nor am I saying to just forget it. I am suggesting to accept the difference between what he did and how his life will play out. I don't think you want to be around for the remainder of the show. It'll get in the way of your own pursuit of joy (happiness is a dog's emotion; joy is something else altogether in my opinion. A happy person can't be happy when things are difficult. A joyful person can experience much more of life and remain joyful.)


Hey AJ... you are right. I don't want that. I dont think I was really clear. I do not want revenge or wish ill will. I truly don't. At all. The place I'd rather be is indifferent. And off my emotional radar.

Mostly, I feel sad that xh feels he needs to cause the hurt and destruction that he has to find his happiness. It makes me sad that he is so broken inside that he could do this to the people who love him the most and who he should love and protect. It's just sad. And disappointing.

However- if their r didn't work out... it would not make me unhappy. I think I will leave it at that.

I took the kids out to breakfast this morning. We had a really nice time. And the kids opened up a little about xh. S17 said he is looking forward to our trip w/o him. That last year xh made him really mad and was a jerk. I find this interesting bc I just thought I sensed it- the tension between us (bc hww was ticked at xh for being there- he took it out on me). When xh was here in Dec, he was talking about how fun the trip was (granted he told me twice after we returned that we shouldn't have gone- guess he was still catching heat). I mentioned to him that it was intense and that he was pretty mean. He was SHOCKED by that. He was looking at pics on my phone a different day of our trip and made a comment about how everything looked so great. I looked at it and could feel the intensity right away. How different they feel! My goodness- in fact, I used to look at those pics when I was sad as a reminder of what a jerk he was.

Anyway... I digress....

S18 also said that he hasn't talked to xh in almost 2 weeks since xh made him late. He said xh has been blowing up his phone, calling and texting and s18 does not respond nor answer. He also said he doesn't want him picking him up anymore for school (still doing every other week). I'm staying out of it.

My kids are fed up. But, they are moving on. They don't respect him at all. If I looked back at how tight we were and how close- still, even knowing what I know now- I still wouldn't believe that this would happen to my family.

Soooo... my dad and brother came over today to help me pull up more of the ceramic tile in the kitchen. Progress. Yes!

And... hey, hey, hey! The other day, I lifted up the lever in the tub that plugs it and drains it. It came right off. Totally deteriorated behind the tub wall. I couldn't believe it. And, it came off with it up, so the water wouldn't drain!

Ahem... well... I fixed it.

Got the part from Home Depot today and replaced it. Dustin the shoulders off. cool

Have a busy week this week. That's GOOD! No time for pity parties. (I hope whistle)

AJM #2550070 03/22/15 10:32 PM
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What I took from Bea's post? Let him pursue his life in the way he chooses. What happens happens. I can't see how it's a good thing either, but I don't see through his eyes and I don't have to live that life. I have joy to seek...


Oh, and AJ & bea.... duh... my brain... I almost for got this great part! ^^^^^

Yes, AJ- Love bea's post. And I also love... "I have joy to seek" That should be top priority here at db! (or better yet... at MLC survival)

Mighty #2550110 03/23/15 02:10 AM
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That should be top priority here
After all is said and done, isn't the priority? I mean after getting past the shock and awe part. wink

Have a great week, Mighty!

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2550152 03/23/15 08:15 AM
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It is worth remembering that sometimes joy is not sought but comes gently into our lives.

It is the MLCers who desperately seeks happiness, and fails to find it all too often.

beatrice #2550203 03/23/15 02:03 PM
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Venting: so mad at what xh is doing to my kids. How can a father continue to hurt his kids for his new ones. How can you treat you kids like second class citizens bc you have replaced them? I know there is no making sense of this but wtf. As a human being and father how can you make- all of a sudden- new kids a priority?! Wtf! I am so mad at him!

S18 has already replaced his ride and did not have xh pick him up.

D14 called me in tears this morning. She had asked her dad to pick her up bc she knew she wasn't going to mak the bus. He said he'd take her. She was waiting and waiting then called him. She said he was with "her" (meaning HWW" and she was so upset. All she could hear was a baby messing around.

She said she kept asking xh, "where are you?" Bc he was supposed to pick her up. He wod not say anything. She kept asking and all she could hear was a baby: xh would not answer AND THE. HE HUNG UP ON D14!!

He can't tell the truth! He can face what he is doing! It is sick! I felt so bad for d14. She was crying and didn't know what to do. It made me sick to my stomach hearing about her listening to the baby- I can't imaging how she felt. It is upsetting for so many reasons.

Ugh. While I was on the phone, he showed up and was beeping in the driveway. How can he live like this?

Mighty #2550224 03/23/15 02:58 PM
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Hey Mighty, this is THE place to vent it all out.

S18 & D14 will cycle up and down they are also going thru phases with your H and their own (puberty and growing up).

You can gently help them, but they will get thru it with your support. BUT keep in mind this is nothing you can "fix" the R or not they they end up with their dad will be between them.

I know its hurts you to see them hurting..but don't let it consume you. Pray thru it. Just continue to be the ROCK for them and they will survive, they will get thru it.

I pray soon your XH at least relaize that he needs to be able to be a parent to ALLLLLL his kids, and if not ,,,then its his lost.

You mention a trip with your kids,,,sounds WONDERFUL, and it will be sooooo much better then last year!!!

My s14 and I took a trip without H right around BD and it was the BEST thing ever for me!



Last edited by 2BHappy; 03/23/15 03:00 PM.

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2550372 03/23/15 09:31 PM
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Oh man, you guys.... this guy has got me fired up. Well... almost.. but I am holding my ground not letting it get the best of me. I am flexing those muscles I have toned over the past few months. They are stronger! But, he's is in such denial. When I step back and look at it- I see some repeat pattern.

Oh! 2B... thank you. I am so glad I am getting better, mentally and emotionally. It does help me be stronger for my kids. And I am able to help them through- really and truly, bc I have been through it, know how they feel, and have developed my own arsenal of tools. My kids are so ready to get away, and man, I am too.

But this guy is on a roll today. First this morning with d14... and the saga continues. D14 said she didn't say anything to xh about hanging up on her or anything. Just the way he likes it- pretend it didn't happen. She just realized the bus hadn't come and had him drop her off at the bus stop.

It stirred me up this morning. I was pretty upset for a little bit. But I got it together for the day. Then on the way home, I started to feel some of that anger which I haven't felt for a little while now.

Then, s18 told me when I got home that his dad texted him, "Now I'm pissed." That's after he was calling s18 and s18 kept letting it go to voicemail. S18 said it didn't bother him and he just doesn't care. I know that not entirely true, but I do know my kids don't have high expectations anymore of their dad. But, I know my son is hurt.

S18 asked me, "I don't have to consider him a parent anymore, right? I mean, what does it matter? What's he gonna do? Do I have to even listen to him?"

I just explained that xh is really "pissed" bc he can't control the situation. That if s18 is upset, he has a right to be disappointed by his actions. That he has made choices which have been hurtful to him and his sister and they have a right to be upset. And to just give it some time and not to let xh's lashing out bother him. I told him to just be calm and cool and let xh deal with it and figure things out for himself.

2BHappy #2550374 03/23/15 09:32 PM
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M, Im so sorry your xh is choosing to do this to your children. I know it is so hard to get your mind around.

I think that is the worst part in all of this, that our children are hurt so deeply.

Your xh is very broken, M. That is easy to see. That's not an excuse because he still has to own his actions. But it is an explanation of sorts.

I know you know that your kids will be ok. After all, they have you for their mother.

Be sure not to inadvertently react negatively when stuff happens with them and him. I dont mean to pretend it isnt hurtful or to not be there for them when it happens. Not at all. I just mean that sometimes we dont realize by our reactions or words that we are sending the wrong signal to them. That could make them feel like victims and you dont want them to feel that way.

It succks. No way around it. Show them that while this hurts, they will be ok. They are old enough to forge their own relationship with him and for now, they may not want to. Dont get in the way of any of that.

My xh and son have slowly figured their way through this. It doesnt help that his dad is 6 hours away, but, nothing I can do about that.

They dont have the relationship they used to have, nor the one they should have, but, they stay in contact and get together when they can. It took a long time to get to this place between them, though.

Does your daughter come to you and share what has happened with her dad or are you asking? When she does, how do you react?

I get your anger, M, completely. Glad you can get it out here. Just dont live there, right?


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uRworthy #2550378 03/23/15 09:44 PM
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Hey uR. I never ask about that. They come to me- but not all the time. When they get really frustrated. When xh starts acting like a real teenager and my kids don't know what to do. Or I overhear them talking about it.

Today, d14 called me crying, which she seldom does. I could hear she was crushed. I just said, "I'm sorry you have to start your day like that." And I started coming up with suggestions of a different ride to school. That's when xh pulled in. When I got home, I just asked her if every thing was ok, and she just told me what happened. That was it.

With s18, I just wanted him to know that it wasn't his fault. My focus was more on s dealing with his emotions. And time, I said give it time. I told him not to let it upset him and that it will work out. Pretty much that's it. I just want my kids to be able to cope with it without it stressing them out. I have seen them making progress too and getting used to our new family. These incidents stir things up. Get frustrating.

And I am staying out of it. Totally. Trust me. I wanted so badly this morning to give xh a piece of my mind for what he did. But, I didn't. When I found out about what he was texting, I wanted to say something, but I didn't. It is not my r to work out. I am staying out of it. I will do what I can to help my kids through this the best I can with dignity, integrity, strength, and compassion. That's the best I can strive for.

Oh, and I'm not really angry anymore. It was a passing moment. A reminder that I still have a long way to go, but I'm working on it.

Mighty #2550449 03/24/15 01:55 AM
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Not to point out the obvious or anything, but...

Your expectations are still too high, Mighty. You expect him to be rational and think of the kids. He's not. It really is that simple for you.

For your kids? I get it. The anger about it. But they'll figure out how to deal with him. They are quite adept at that. And they'll have a shorter rope with him.

As mentioned, they have you. They're lucky you didn't lose your mind during all of this. And it'll be enough when all is said and done. Trust that and be you. They'll appreciate that in the long run. Seriously.

Your anger is justified. But keep the perspective that its your anger. Focus on the you and the kids and it'll work out well.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2550460 03/24/15 02:16 AM
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Your anger is justified. But keep the perspective that its your anger.
great point, AJ. Thanks. I bounce back rather quickly now. So do the kids. I think we are all coming to terms of acceptance.

I recall Ellie telling me a long time ago, enjoy not walking on eggshells in my home. I think this is something my kids and I are all embracing. They are slowly opening up. Not like in a dad bashing way, but more recognizing good in things. Enjoying things the way we can- with the three of us. And I really like that. It really is a different dynamic. A good one. Not that it was bad, but we can still appreciate the new. That's a big part of it. Enjoying the new.

In parking lot now to p/u s18 from work. D14 had me in tears laughing before I left. It's a good day- despite xh's antics. They are his to deal with. We have good things to attend to. Sorry, pal. And I think that's the overriding theme I want my kids to get- not get sucked into the crazy. They can have a r outside of that, but know they don't need to participate in that mess. And you were right, I still have some dumb expectation that he can parent- my kids in a way. Well , more like not continue to cause damage.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them." Maya Angelou.

Mighty #2550500 03/24/15 08:38 AM
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Mighty - your expectations are not dumb - we have a right to expect better behaviour from our former partner and the father of our children. It is their problem they can't deliver.

Our problem arises from their failure to act. We call it expectation, because in a way it is, but it isn't 'wrong' for us to expect better behaviour. It is healthy that we do so!

Same with anger - normal to feel intense anger at being hurt or seeing our children treated badly. Yes he is an a**h*ole right now. And yes, anger can be damaging to us when it takes hold. But as an initial reaction? Frankly I would be concerned if you said 'but I am fine with this'.

They are broken, their behaviour is out of whack. We are OK to be upset and annoyed by it. But we have to let it go, and realise that this is 'normal' for them, never for us.

If that makes sense. Otherwise we tie ourselves in knots.

beatrice #2550675 03/24/15 08:43 PM
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Hey bea- thanks. It does make sense. I know I commented before, while xh was still around, that it was like he was acting like he had in the past...

It is so weird because it is like the sitch is in total reverse form now. Slowly reverting back to how it was...

from the point he was still here... going back into the r w hww and his behaviors and now interaction w kids. Like the last 7 months are now being played out in reverse order. Boomerang, if you will. Or, just going back into the tunnel... where he came from acting the same way just in reverse.

Strange, strange, strange.

For me, well.... I am finding peace in what I have right now. Not focusing on what I don't have. Looking to take care of and improve my current sitch. What I have to work with right now. What needs attention and appreciation.

Mighty #2550706 03/24/15 10:22 PM
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Yeah - it is part of cycling - some MLCers do this, and go round and round and round.

Hard to take, but it hurts less each time they fly past. Now I smile and wave and wish him well until the next time. Can't believe I got to this point.

Some of the cycles take months, others years. They are so broken. Some of them wake up and really try to fix things, others not so much!

Stay strong, and detachment comes. But it doesn't make us hard, just resilient.

beatrice #2550736 03/25/15 01:27 AM
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Originally Posted By: beatrice
it doesn't make us hard, just resilient.


Love that, bea.

Mighty #2551985 03/28/15 08:22 PM
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Hey, hey, hey!

Happy Saturday. Not much new... up and down and all around.

I had a dream two nights ago. The second dream I've had about the baby. I was babysitting her. We were playing and I was making her laugh. Xh came and I was telling him about how I made her laugh and stuff. D14 mentioned that xh was wearing a wedding ring. I thought in my head, WOW! I cant believe it. He must miss being married to me. I looked and it was a different ring. I said, YOU MARRIED HER? He nodded. I yelled "SHUT UP!" and it woke me up.

I dont know why I keep having these dreams about the baby. Like I am always playing with her and happy. It's weird.

On another note... D14 called xh today to see if he would take her shopping before we leave on our trip. She let him know that they can get 50% off for a family discount right now where s18 works (He works at a trendy clothing store). Xh said he would take her this evening while s18 is working. S18 told d14, no way, and to go before he gets there bc he does not want to see xh. (Don't believe they have talked yet, but I don't ask). Xh was refusing. (It find it inappropriate for xh to bring his drama to s18 work, he did this last year with his other job, too. Had him paged. S18 wasn't speaking to him then either.)

I overheard d14 & s18 while she was texting xh. They were texting back and forth. Finally d14 said never mind, she doesn't want to go then. He responded, "cool". (he texted "you're cool" to me after I told him to make his own arrangements w d14 for her birthday). Then changed his mind and agreed to take her earlier. What drama.

Then he was 20 minutes late to get her. She texted him and asked where he was. He responded, "Will you chill out?"

Not sounding like a happy guy, but what do I know? I mean, texted s18 last week that he was "Pissed" and s18's words about his exchanged w d14 was, "He is such a baby."

I did not get involved. I stayed out of it.

AAANNNNNNNDDDDD.... I went out with a group of friends last night. I had a LOT of fun! It was a great time. And, I was talking to a friend, cracking jokes and being silly, and I overheard her husband say to another friend, "That's the Mighty we love." I have been gone for awhile, and it feels so good to be myself again. I did not feel sadness or alone at all throughout the night. In fact, I was the only unmarried one there, and it didn't bother me one bit!

I have to be honest about something here... and its embarrassing... late last night, a friend stopped by. It turns out... I believe the intentions were totally a booty call. Nothing happened. At all. And, you guys, he is friggin married. I know he is going through a lot personally and he had a few drinks in him... but.... OMG! What an awkward situation! Clearly- I am never going to be on that side of it. He did text apologizing last night and this morning. But, man... am I a target bc I am in a vulnerable place? Well.... I'm not that vulnerable. Geesh!

Outside of that... I'm feeling pretty good. Yesterday morning and most of the day, I was sad. But, after a fun night out with terrific friends, I feel good. (I will scratch the other incident out. In a way, it was bringing up thoughts about xh and hww... and how they could do that. Ick.)

Mighty #2552010 03/28/15 09:45 PM
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Mighty,
I'm glad to read that you went out w/friends and had a good time. Yes, you've been missing in action for some time, but it sounds like the Mighty that your friends know and love is starting to return to the land of the living. Way to go!

Sounds like your children are having an interesting time w/your xh. His life is all about doing this and doing that and if you notice, it's really not quality time w/the children. It's all about errand running these days. Well, they'll just have to figure this new relationship out w/their father...but they will in time. You are smart in staying out of it.

As for the trip...I'm sure you are getting excited. It will be good for you to get away and have some space and quiet for a change.

As for the friend stopping by...alcohol has a way of helping people make fools of themselves. It's interesting how we have an invisible target painted on our backs that say we are single once again. I'm glad you stopped him before it got too far out of hand. I'm sure he's embarrassed by what he did and he may not be able to look you in the eye for quite some time. Might be a wake up call for him to cut back on the drinking.

Interesting dream you had. It appears that you accepted the baby and were having some fun with her. As for the ring and your xh...it sounds like your situation w/your xh has been on your mind quite a bit. Dust those cobwebs out of your head and replace them w/wonderful and exciting thoughts of your vacation coming up. I want you to go and have a great time!

Welcome back Mighty! You've come a long way and you are starting to find your balance once again.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thank you, job. It does feel good to be coming back to the land of the living, but it is amazing how sensitive my triggers are to send me backwards.

D14 told me that her dad was asking her questions about why s18 was mad at him. D14 said she wasn't really sure the reason. He suggested that it was bc he "moved back in." She said she didn't know he moved in. But, she had wondered. He asked her if she was mad about that and she said yes. He asked why. She said bc she is a .... He said don't say that about her. Then d14 gave a list of synonyms, to which he continued to say don't say that. Then, she said, Oh are you in love, Dad? Isn't that so cute? He didn't respond to that.

I guess just the fact that he verbalized it, is what is thrusting me backwards. Making me feel anxiety inside. When I really think about it, I guess it is because of that r. What it represents. With whom it is. Is it him that I miss anymore? I don't know. Do I miss our r? Not like I did. But the idea of that..... like daggers through my veins.

It's amazing what his presence does to me. I. CANT. STAND. IT. I am so much better off having him totally out of my life. He is so evil. I wish he didn't have to pull into my driveway. Or be in my area. I just wish he were so far away. Yesterday, he was here early to take d14 to breakfast. So, I had to pull out and drive past him. Luckily there was frost on my windshield still, so I leaned forward so we couln't even see each other. But, dumb things like that, still get to me. More so, the convo w d14. At least he told her. But man, this guy who is only "focusing on the kids" is only focused on the ones who don't live in this house.

Xh and d14 stopped at the pet shop. He wanted to show her the huge snake in there. That gave me a bit of a twinge, knowing he was in there recently. I know it is totally storytelling in my brain, but you know... the whole faux "family" thing... ugh.

Then... apparently, one of xh's brothers is going to be at the same vacation spot as us with his family. I haven't seen nor heard from this person in a very long time, before bd. And, d14 wants to meet up with them. I don't have a problem at all with them. But the idea of "getting away" from this drama seems a little more distant. Aahhh!!!!!

OK, vented. Got it out.

Mighty #2552177 03/29/15 03:21 PM
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"5 Keys to Identifying Your Soulmate" by Toure Roberts. He's a preacher. And this is on youtube, a little over an hour long.

Gotta pack.

Mighty #2552202 03/29/15 05:35 PM
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I'm so glad you are getting outta Dodge. I think it's going to make a huge difference for you and the kids.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Mighty #2552221 03/29/15 07:20 PM
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Travel safely and enjoy your time away.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2552288 03/30/15 12:19 AM
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job, you have a heart of gold. You are so knowledgeable, compassionate, and giving. You are truly a special person.

Mighty #2552321 03/30/15 02:28 AM
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Hi Mighty,

May I offer my perspective on all this? Your ex-husband has been extremely adapt at dismissing you. He has been deliberately vague about what path he wants to choose and his indecisiveness literally put your life on hold.

But what is maddening are his actions.

Although his words are indecisive his actions have always shown clarity. He bought a house with the other woman. He divorced you. He is raising a child with her. These actions are not vague. These actions are decisive.

If he had bought a home with you…if he were living with you and raising your children…you would clearly know what his intentions are.

Mighty, I strongly urge you to look at his actions. He is dismissive. He has always been dismissive. And now that you are divorced he can be dismissive without emotional guilt.

Will this change? I do not know. But my heart breaks for you. You are in the most painful situation possible.

Your husband is probably one of the more cruel people on this board. His dismissal of you, your marriage, and your children has been stunning. His passivity when dealing with the emotional fallout caused by his actions is equally stunning.

I am pretty sure all you really want (at this point) is your ex-husband to recognize what he has done.

“For goodness sakes—Acknowledge the destruction your selfishness has caused! Because of you (ex-husband) I (Mighty) will probably never fully trust a man again. Our children will probably never fully trust another relationship again. Why? Because you (ex-husband) selfishly wandered outside our marriage!”

But this isn’t going to happen. It never does. Even in the best of circumstances--when an ex-spouse actually recognize the destruction they caused—they never fully grasp it. This is because the destruction didn’t happen to them.

Throughout this entire process you did the right thing which was—remain committed to your marriage. Marriage isn’t the promise we will stay in love forever. Marriage is the promise that we will still be there when/if we can’t stay in love forever.

Mighty, you had a terrible thing happen to you by a very cruel and insensitive person. Maybe this wasn’t the person you married but it became the person you divorced. And I just wanted to stop by your board and tell you how sorry I am about how terribly he has treated you.


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
Hope414 #2552323 03/30/15 02:41 AM
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Hope you have a wonderful trip, Mighty:)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Georgiabelle #2552662 03/31/15 01:36 AM
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I hope you and kids are having a great trip!


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
BrightFuture #2552982 03/31/15 11:21 PM
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Hope you have an amazing time, sweetie. You deserve it.

uRworthy #2553054 04/01/15 05:22 AM
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Laying down good new memories is so important. Have a great week.

beatrice #2553155 04/01/15 02:09 PM
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Thanks so much you guys. Your support & well wishes make me feel great. Hope- haven't heard from you in awhile. Wow. That post was.... Meaningful! You are right. Absoutley right. And I have referenced that a few times over the past couple of days- when things are tough. Now, that's perspective!

Things are ok. The weather is beautiful. And out plane at home had to be de-iced before we could take off- so weather is a key thing for us now!

Had some tough moments. I have to admit, this is a one foot in front of the other experience. Overall, we are having a good time. But xh's absence is pretty daunting. Xh & I never had vacations growing up. Started out fam young & a not a lot of $. So we worked hard to make that happen for our kids. We wanted them to have experiences we hadn't. So really, not only did xh and I do mostly everything together for the first time, but with our kids too. Yesterday, we were doing something and I just had this thought about how close we all were: and how it is just unbelievable that we are here today- in this different life.

Xh's name has come up several times. "Remember when..." Good things. Good memories. S18 has said things like, oh we don't have to worry about that bc dad's not here... Just recognizing the change in the dynamic. You know the REMIX FAMILY VACATION! Both kids have mentioned that xh is texting them a lot "like every hour" according to d14. Things like, "what are you doing?" "How's the weather?" Maybe he wants a play-by-play? Who knows. I just stfu and keep moving..... And try to keep my stupid brain from going 1,000,000mph.

S18 still does not respond. Still hasn't spoken or responded in a few weeks. He told me his dad tried calling him the day we were leaving. He called from a work phone so s18 didn't recognize & answered. He heard xh's voice and son 18 said, "hello? Hello? Hello?" Pretending a bad connection then hung up.

Hmmm... Xh bought tickets to take s18 to see Kevin heart this month (bday present). S18 asked if he could take the tix and not go w his dad. I just said he needs to talk to his dad about that.

So... I feel very blessed that I am able to be on vacation w my kids. We are enjoying things, eachother, being away. (D14 mentioned to s18 their uncle, xh's bro, is here w their cousins. S18 said not to contact him- he does not want to see anyone in xh bloodine.) yup- he needed to get away too.

Btw--- I have never seen more babies in my life than the past few days. OMG.

Mighty #2553233 04/01/15 05:17 PM
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Quote:
He called from a work phone so s18 didn't recognize & answered. He heard xh's voice and son 18 said, "hello? Hello? Hello?" Pretending a bad connection then hung up.


Lolol - when my ex used to call me and start spewing, my cell phone would mysteriously drop the call wink Eventually he got the message and limited himself to texts and email.

(Incidentally, I remember the day when it occurred to me "wait a minute, he's divorcing me, I don't have to listen to this anymore" and slammed my old flip phone shut. Felt SOOOOO good!)

kml #2553377 04/02/15 01:14 AM
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Originally Posted By: kml
Quote:
He called from a work phone so s18 didn't recognize & answered. He heard xh's voice and son 18 said, "hello? Hello? Hello?" Pretending a bad connection then hung up.


Lolol - when my ex used to call me and start spewing, my cell phone would mysteriously drop the call wink Eventually he got the message and limited himself to texts and email.

(Incidentally, I remember the day when it occurred to me "wait a minute, he's divorcing me, I don't have to listen to this anymore" and slammed my old flip phone shut. Felt SOOOOO good!)


smile smile smile


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
Hope414 #2553388 04/02/15 01:53 AM
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What a great day. S18 out for a little stroll and d14 is checking out pics on her phone, so I just wanted to share what a great day at the beach we had. Weather is great, had a nice drive.. Water was fab. Kids had me laughing so hard. For quite awhile we were just chillin in the sand talking about so many things.

One thing brought up was me dating. The kids said they would like if I could find someone and they want me to ("as long as it's not dad" says s18). S18 said he hopes I find someone he can hang out with. He said he would love that. He said he would call him dad, but.... I'm going to think that was just a joke. But he said he would love it if a guy could just come in and replace xh's role. Wow. That is sad. S18 really looked up to his dad. Now, I just know he has so much disappointment in him. And xh just does not get it. He really expects everyone to accept his choices and go along. Well... We have no choice to accept them, but he has to realize it does not mean in the way he would expect. So sad.

But, forget him. For me- could I see a life someday with someone? Perhaps. It would be a slow long road. Who knows if there is someone out there for me- who would accept my craziness... I am not really sure what it even entails. Couldn't see myself married again or anything....

But- I won't get ahead of myself. This hypothetical man may not even exist. But, at least I know my kids aren't afraid of something.... Or.... Someone..... Someday.

I am still wiping tears from my face from dinner. Joyful tears- my kids made me laugh so hard. OMG.... I think we were On The verge of getting kicked out.

Xh still texting kids a lot. Sad. Breaks my heart where he allowed this situation to get to. With no room for repairing our family. 20 years of building and one year of damaging every fiber and morsel of what was our relationship. Sent weapons of mass destruction to desinigrate the foundation of our family. But the three of us are rebuilding. We are coming through- together- and strong. This new family and foundation does not include xh. The interesting thing- my friend asked me the other day if I was going to take xh back before. I said I would have liked to try. She asked if I would now. I paused, I haven't really been asked this now. I slowly shook my head no. And I knew this, but- I haven't reAlly owned it. I haven't acknowledged it. It's the screwiest thing- how everything unfolded- and I was so caught off guard by the intensity of the sitch, I didnt have time to get angry (had time- couldn't access) but really didn't digest - couldn't comprehend. Ok- yadda yadda... I know I need to move on. Without him. I know that. It's weird. But I am peeling.... Away. Slowly. I really like when I find MY footing on my path. I enjoy MY path. When I hit the trail of history... That's the hArd part. The friggin trail of tears, now! But I know I will be ok. I know xh doesn't want me. He wants her. I can laugh about it. It only proves he has lost his mind. Crazy guy!

Mighty #2553394 04/02/15 02:00 AM
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I'm soooooo glad you are laughing and having fun!!!!!!

This is an ORDER! KEEP IT UP.

I remember when the girls began talking about my dating. I think it was an important part of the grieving process for them. IT meant they were thinking of a future, a nice future, where their dad wasn't a part of our circle anymore.

Keep laughing. Keep relaxing Keep enjoying your kids. What a sad person he is for missing all this. His loss. Truly.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2553902 04/03/15 03:09 PM
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GO Mighty GO

Keep up the good work. ENJOY your vacation with kids every single minute of it.

Its time for your healing to really start.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2553969 04/03/15 06:52 PM
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Mighty, I’m glad you are enjoying your vacation. I know what you mean about the history though. It was hard for me too at first to visit the places where we’ve been together or do things that we would normally do together. Now, not so much. I get sad sometimes, but it passes rather quickly. I catch myself quite often these days on a thought that I actually don’t even think about H when I’m out with people and having fun. His loss.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
BrightFuture #2554140 04/04/15 09:13 AM
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Enjoy the R & R Mighty. smile


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
&#8213; Maya Angelou



123Gwen #2554206 04/04/15 04:11 PM
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Hi guys! Thank you so much for being Family Vacation Remix cheering squad!

We got in late last night. Never, in all the times, have I felt like I did not want to come home like I did yesterday. Not that I wanted to stay were I was, I just did not want to come back.

Then, as we were driving home from the airport, I could just feel it. As I started approaching the town we live in, tears started rolling down my cheeks. I started getting the heaviness on my chest. I felt terrible. I realized how much I feel terrorized here. How I feel like I am drowning in.... stuff. In survival mode. Not happiness. Yes, I can be happy and laugh, but I feel like I am in a thickness of bad energy and vibes. Hmmm....

On the other hand... I slept in this morning. Got up and made some coffee, and if feels good to be home. The snow has melted, the birds are chirping, and I feel OK. But, in my home, there silence of disparity remains. Its in the background, like a ghost. You feel the presence, sometimes, but don't always acknowledge it. It just is.

The trip was awesome! I am so glad we went. We really had an amazing time. We were really connected. Kids got along well.... minus arguments over music. Many, many music arguments. I tried to use it as a way to teach consideration, cooperation, and you know... the stuff you shouldn't have to tell a 18 & 14 year old???? So, they would take turns, then it became an issue over volume. Which, you could say, well we will leave it at x. But, the would change it on their iphone, which would be plugged into the car.... you know.... kid stuff... I just heard about it every day. Every time we were in the car. Every song that changed. OMG. HA! OK, maybe not every time... but you catch my drift.

We played Uno in the airport and on the plane. I thought about my thread and kind of smirked to myself.

When we got home last night, s18 came into my room and hung out for a little while. He opened up about his dad again. He has said more this week than ever. He feels pretty much done with him. I said that in time, I am sure they can work to repair their r. But, he is adamant that right now he wants noting to do with him. He even mentioned again how much he looked up to him as a kid. How he just thought he was the best. And when kids would talk about their dad, he would always top them by talking about his dad.

He said he does not even know who his dad is anymore. He feels like he is gone, and he doesn't know this person. That he cant even remember, really, what he was like, and what it was like to be around him. That he can't even imagine him being in this house anymore.

He says it is never going to work out with him and hww. He gives it a couple months, but says he does not think he can stand her- she controls him and uses the baby which is why he is there. He thinks it is so weird picturing him there with her son, he can't even see him really having a r with him. (Xh is not a fan of messes, craziness, crying, any type of... toddler behavior! He was more easy going when my kids were little, but still liked to maintain order).

S18 has come around in his own behavior. It was only a few months of him acting out, but I am so proud that he was able to pull it together. He does have a good head on his shoulders, but I can see how this has changed him. He sill has anger. He has less patients, but I know he is only 18. We talked about how people can "change." And not the way his dad has, but like temperament and things of that nature. It was a really good talk. I expressed to him how I have changed in the past year and that anyone can make changes. It is just about perspective and how you change your view on things or how you perceive them which will reflect in you actions.

It was weird not having him there for our trip. I have no idea- truly- I have no idea about this guy, but it seems like it would be weird for him, too. And the texts to the kids maybe say it. But, I can honestly say, that I felt some progress on this trip. It was an emotional whirlwind. But one thing I really came away with is that I just don't know this guy. I thought it before, and he seemed strange, but I think I thought of it more as his actions. But now, I just don't know him. He is a total stranger. And I think I'd like to keep it that way. And when I see him, I want it to be like a stranger. So I feel indifferent, and can act accordingly.

The baby thing is still the hardest. And, probably not the best place to go was Orlando. It is a baby haven. I mean... i was surrounded, at every friggin moment by babies and strollers and .... all of it! Weren't all the babies supposed to be at Disney? Well... they weren't.

And the plane ride there, I kid you not- it was like out of a movie- either a comedy or a horror flick... I am pretty sure there were more babies than adults on the friggin plane. That's how my trip started. You know I have to plug my ears now when I hear babies or people talking about them- not like full-blown Rainman reaction, but nonchalantly. I can't look at them... PTST. The damn baby! An innocent, cute, babbling baby... a baby I have never even seen... can make me go postal. WTF!

Well.... is the Lord testing me? Putting me on a baby-filled, action-packed plane for 1000 miles? First, my kids made good use of their Beats on this flight. S18 said he took them off for a second, heard what what happening outside of his rap music, and they went right back on. I'd take the rap music, too.

It was so bad, that I could not even count the number of babies crying on the plane. I mean that, because I tried! There were too many. The lady in the isle across from me started yelling, "Land this thing!" "Is every baby on this thing crying?" "How long is it gonna take to get us down?" "Get me off of this plane! What is wrong with all these babies?"

OK, so I knew it wasn't just me being hypersensitive. God has a sense of humor, right?

Mighty #2554210 04/04/15 05:01 PM
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Welcome home! I'm sure in some ways you are happy to be home. The ghost is still there, but in time, that ghost will not be given a second thought as your life begins a new chapter.

Sounds like you had a nice trip, even w/the babies everywhere! As for the plane ride...babies usually don't do well when taking off and landing because the changes in the atmosphere hurt their little ears and when one starts to cry, they all chime in. You had your own orchestra! LOL! I'm sorry that had to happen...but spring break brings them all out of the wood work.

You needed a break from the madness and I'm glad you took that break. Let's hope that things will settle down and remain quiet for you and the kids.

Happy Easter!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2554215 04/04/15 05:59 PM
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Hi sweetie. Glad you had a mostly good trip. Proud of you for going.

I understand completely your feeling in your house. Like something is missing and it throws the whole equilibrium off. Almost like you are kinda holding your breath waiting for things to feel normal again.

I get it. It is unsettling. Like what happened to the life you were living? How did it get so derailed?

The truth is that there is something missing and it was derailed. And I know you know that one day it will feel differently and different isnt bad. Not at all...but it is different than what you had, than what you thought it was going to look like.

So, we lose our footing some. We feel unbalanced for awhile until we find our center. And you will...you are.

I also get about the babies. You ever notice when you are thinking of getting a different car that you suddenly see that car everywhere when you never noticed that before? It's kinda like that, right? You are focused still on the baby. Maybe not consciously, but it's in there. So, you are going to notice them because of that.

And because there were so freakin many of them on the plane. LOL!

My son was 16 when all this started. It's a tough age for a young man when his dad does something like that. I wish I could tell you that it didnt affect my boy, but, that wouldnt be the truth.

He lost his way for a long while. He used to feel about his dad the way your son felt about his.

He had to work through a whole bunch of stuff regarding him. I think it changed him forever in some ways.

As his dad moved 6 hours away, it has been hard for them to find their way back to each other.

It is a work in progress. It helps that I never say anything about his dad. It helps that I am ok.

They have slowly gotten closer. It isnt the relationship they had, nor the one they could have had, but, it's the one they got.

One day, Mighty, you will wake up and that heaviness will be gone. You will wake up and take a deep breath and think...I did it. I got through it and I am doing great.

Your life is yours to create. It's yours to paint however you want it. There is something amazing about that, really.

uRworthy #2554243 04/04/15 08:13 PM
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Thanks job & uR. I want to touch upon your posts... right now I have to vent.

This is why I hate being here!

D14 said her dad was coming to pick her up and take her to the movies. She was taking a friend, too. (The friend who's family is friends w/ hww's).

When she told me, the anxiety came back. I don't know why I get so upset, but I think mostly, I just wish he would disappear from my life. His drama is too much. His choices are too much. Thinking about his actions make me physically ill. I started thinking about how I just want to move away. I am so tired of dealing with him. His presence. Him.

So, I was trying to talk to myself about how this is just a moment. Not to get worked up. Blah blah...

Then, d14 started to get ready and then came down and said she couldn't believe what was going on w her dad. First, her friend was already getting ready, and he called her and told her the tickets were sold out at AMC. She said, what about Regal? He said it cost too much, double the price. So, d14 looked it up and found that it was actually cheaper. So she texted him and told him. No response. So she called- several times- no response. He wont answer her calls or texts. WTF!

Now, she is going to have her friend over, and I have to change plans.

Mighty #2554247 04/04/15 08:36 PM
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He called her & is taking her. I hate this.

Mighty #2554248 04/04/15 08:37 PM
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What an asshhat.

I'm sorry Mighty. Breathe.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2554249 04/04/15 08:42 PM
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Mighty, it isnt right and it suckks big time, but, it's what they do. It just is.

Unfortunately your daughter has to realize she cannot count on her dad. Tough lesson to learn, I know, but that's how this goes, sadly.

The sooner all of you realize that, the better off you will be. He is lost and in crisis. Not an excuse. Just an explanation.

I know it hurts to see your daughter upset. And I know it isnt fair that you have to have all the burden. But you are their touchstone right now, their rock. And truthfully, at least for me, I was honored to be it. It is his loss, M. All the way around.

Please dont allow his actions to adversely affect your life, hard as that might be.

Find joy in spite of who he has become.

uRworthy #2554253 04/04/15 08:53 PM
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Mighty,
Please read and re-read what uRworthy has posted. I totally agree w/her because you and your children can't rely on him for anything. He's gone, out to lunch, or is acting out as a teenager. Believe it or not, but your kids are more responsible and more mature than he is right now.

If it will help you, think of him as another teenager from down the block who can't get his stuff together. You have to try to find a way to not allow his actions to adversely affect your life. Unfortunately, this "baby" is going to be around for a very long time because of the kids. Find your center, breathe and let it out. He's not worth getting upset over.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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