Hey everyone. Sounds like we could have a pretty fun getaway! Hmmm... what's a good location that is accessible to all?? Chicago... Vegas? Ideas... suggestions?
And, I want to thank everyone who has chimed in here, given support, and is ready to GAL! So, back attcha- Heather, uR, Matt, GB, Shining, TSquared, Cali, Gwen, vge.
You guys had some great things to post. There were a few specific things which really struck a chord with me. I'm gonna get into that in a minute. There were other things that simply brought a smile to my face. Which, personally, I miss. Feels good to smile and enjoy life and others. So- thanks for that!
I took today off for a couple of appointments and to get a few things done. I am certainly getting better by the day. I am embracing my independence. I am looking forward to what's to come. I have a sense of relief and freedom. My mind is thinking now of all these things I can do... I dig it.
Yesterday was a good day. I felt good pretty much all day. Then, in the evening, my mind started working against me. It reminds me of a the lights on the police car. The way it goes around and round, it's like the way my mind goes around when I get like that. Accompanied by the annoying siren! So I had to stop, sit down, and think- what started this? What is making my mind race? Why am I doing this? I realized it started as soon as d14 told me that xh was going to pick her up in the morning to take her to Tim Hortons (like a Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts) in the morning. He takes her and her friend occasionally in the morn before school. So, my mind started thinking about his drive-through r he has with the kids. His r consist of picking one of them up- once in awhile, and going through the drive through of Tim Horton's and dropping them off. OK, so that's where it started---- and cue crazy-brain. It is off to the races at that point. Yet, stopping and figuring out what triggered crazy-brain helped me. I was able to put it to rest.
Later in the evening, I told s18 to text his dad to pick him up in the morning for school (when he p/u d14). S18 gets a ride from him every other week (he takes my car while I car pool). S18 said he would find a different ride bc he really wasn't happy with xh right now. He is still mad about last week when xh made him late to school (it wasn't bc he was late that made him upset). D14 told me s18 was mad, but s18 hadn't mentioned anything to me until last night. He said he pretty much told xh off bc xh called s18 to say he was late but was on {xxx} road (the road he lives w hww} and it set s18 off. Xh has not mentioned at all to the kids about staying there. S18 said he cussed xh out in the car on the way to school for making him late while he was over there messing around with .... (hww). He said xh didn't say one word; he "accepted it."
I can't believe that xh lets s18 talk to him like this. But I also feel badly for my kids bc they are trying to figure out what the heck is going on and xh doesn't say anything. As far as what he told them before was that he was moving out of hww's and never going back. They see now that he isn't around at bil, but they are under the impression that he still lives there, I guess. They say things, yet very seldom, in which I know they observed xh wasn't at bil when they were looking for him. But, it is so confusing, and I know exactly how they feel. It is like they feel how I did about a month ago.
This morning, xh canceled on d14. He texted her early and said he didn't feel good and couldn't take her to Tim Hortons and they would reschedule. She said he was fine last night, but thought that he wouldn't want to take her friend to school then drop her back off at home so I could take her to her appointment. (He didn't know about that when he made plans with her. She told him last night about her appointment.)
That's the second time in the past couple weeks he has told d14 he doesn't feel good.
For me- it would just be easier if I didn't have to even hear about him, or if he moved to another planet.
I'm so sorry for your kiddos. Poor babies. So feel your pain.
I agree we should assign a planet for those who are going through a MLC. Just for a while. I think they need to get this junk out of their system. It would help us and may help them detox. This stuff is UGLY... Praying that God reveals truth and removes the scales from their eyes and ears.
I agree we should assign a planet for those who are going through a MLC.
There is at least one!! Planet Zog is where my xh (still) lives most of the time, when he isn't orbiting. Bless. When the pain goes away you feel rather sorry for them and their pathetic little lives.
Matt- Yes, we will get through and be better! We are getting there... always a work in progress, right? How is your d? I hope she is doing better. I think that sometimes just having the opportunity go let your feelings known allows for a sense of relief. Hopefully it has helped her some by addressing her feelings.
Live- great to hear from you. Sounds like you are doing well. I am so glad for that. I am not really sure how my writing helps, but I do like to. I'd like to do do it more. It's a good outlet for me.
GB, you always make me smile! Glad you had a good work trip. Ready for another, right?! (Minus the work!)
Shining- thanks for your endless support. You're my girl. Dig the flannel too. D14 actually bought a flannel the other day. OMG!
Great to hear from you TSquared. You have made an amazing transition into your "new" life (for lack of a better word). And acceptance is a hurdle. I find that it is happening in bits, for me. Some things are easier to accept than others. I know exactly what will be the most difficult for me. I am avoiding right now... dealing with the bearable. And yeah, doing this without answers- makes it tricky. My mind tends to mess with me about that. So- realizing they won't come- is the first step. But, in a way, xh's respite here helped in a way with some answers. I have a better idea of "things" as skewed as they are. Some ways it makes it more difficult and confusing- like how "miserable" he was and relieved to be away from hww... yet appears like an addictive drug that he can't resist.
From Cali:
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So ... yeah .. I LOVED that post, you wear it on your sleeve and I totally dig that about you .. .there is not a doubt about where you stand regardless ... that trait is kick a$$ honestly. This is as about as centered as I can recall reading on you in some time .. and that's just a great thing.
Ya know, Cali... I have been having a hard time accepting any type of compliments- especially these days. But, I am going to take this as a compliment. And, I am very flattered. Thank you.
uR- you really had me thinking. Well, like you unveiled some things for me. This:
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When you take a step back, it isnt necessarily a bad thing. It just means that you needed to revisit a feeling in order to let it go. It isnt a setback. It is a what you need to do in order to move forward. All part of this process. It's when you live there, that causes you to be stuck.
Hadn't quite thought of it like that, but it makes sense. And, it is a relief to think of it like that. The reality of it too is that I can feel that it is also true. Letting go of things helps to process others. Just like the more of a puzzle you complete, the easier it gets.
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I dont agree with you about you moving thruogh this with less grace than others, M. To me, you have acted with courange and dignity through some horrific things.
uR, this one was huge. And, it made me think about how you would tell me that I am being hard on myself. I never understood how I was being hard on myself. But, when you said this ^^^, I saw it. I realized, that I may not be the textbook definition of graceful, but I have handled a lot of this well. I thought about my interactions w xh. I chose to take the high road w him. When he would get angry or try to poke at me, I did not engage. And, I have grown tremendously in how I respond and interact with people because of this. And, even during the time when hww was having the baby, I was supportive to xh, encouraging, and would tell him that she is a blessing in his life and that he will have many happy memories to make w her and things like that. Yeah, I've had moments, but it's OK. I'm allowed to be human, after all. I have been hurt like never before. And w hww... lets just say she is lucky I've grown so freaking much.
Thanks, uR, for helping me grow.
Gwen:
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You are doing really well but that can be hard to see when you are in the center of the storm. For a long while things were required of you to just get through the day. H's presence required certain coping strategies. Now that some things have happened it is kind of like after a funeral when everyone else has gone back to their lives. You remain but the have to do it list is not required so dealing with the grief takes on a different tone.
Right on, Gwen. It is hard to see from inside the storm. That's why I knew I needed some space from xh. And I think right now, he doesn't know how to step outside of the storm. And, for me, getting away from it has brought so much clarity. Lots to go... and clean up from the storm's damage continues. But, it's happening. That's the good thing. And this Gwen:
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Gracious Mighty know that you have been acting from a place of love for your family and your marriage.
That gave me the same realization as what uR posted. I thought, yeah, that is so true. All my emotions and feelings came from my love for my family and marriage. Yes, I did whatever I could for this. That is so smart yet simple. I loved my marriage. I would have done anything to save it. Can't be done alone.
The thought I had yesterday was how much I loved my husband. I loved him so much. Was so in love with him. Was totally attracted to him. In my eyes, there was no other man on the planet who could compare to him. I would have done anything in the world for him and for us. My husband is gone. He isn't with hww. That is not my husband. And I don't want that guy. She can have him. I got the best of him. I have those memories (and those dances, right, Shining?!). It's all good. I can find peace in this.
vge- You are right. Those 20 years are a part of me. I learned so much in those years. I have lots to be grateful for to xh. He taught me things I will know for the rest of my life. I have memories and most of my best moments with him. They are wonderful memories which I will forever cherish. vge, please know that I think of you often. Your grace and dignity are to be admired. You help me keep perspective. You are in my prayers and I appreciate you checking in on me.
Thanks everyone. You are the best. You have played an integral role in helping me get through the most difficult days in my life. I hope I can help you all in some way someday.
Those 20 years are a part of me. I learned so much in those years. I have lots to be grateful for to xh. He taught me things I will know for the rest of my life. I have memories and most of my best moments with him. They are wonderful memories which I will forever cherish.
Yes, it helped me to think of it this way: I got 26 mostly-good years out of my marriage, and three great kids, and that's a lot more than most people get, so who am I to complain?
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Quote: I dont agree with you about you moving thruogh this with less grace than others, M. To me, you have acted with courange and dignity through some horrific things. uR, this one was huge. And, it made me think about how you would tell me that I am being hard on myself. I never understood how I was being hard on myself. But, when you said this ^^^, I saw it. I realized, that I may not be the textbook definition of graceful, but I have handled a lot of this well. I thought about my interactions w xh. I chose to take the high road w him. When he would get angry or try to poke at me, I did not engage. And, I have grown tremendously in how I respond and interact with people because of this. And, even during the time when hww was having the baby, I was supportive to xh, encouraging, and would tell him that she is a blessing in his life and that he will have many happy memories to make w her and things like that. Yeah, I've had moments, but it's OK. I'm allowed to be human, after all. I have been hurt like never before. And w hww... lets just say she is lucky I've grown so freaking much. smirk
Mighty, I think the mere fact that you didn't spray paint "HWW is a husband-stealing HO" on the front of her house is proof that you handled yourself well!!!!
When you take a step back, it isnt necessarily a bad thing. It just means that you needed to revisit a feeling in order to let it go. It isnt a setback. It is a what you need to do in order to move forward. All part of this process. It's when you live there, that causes you to be stuck.
This resonated with me too. Sometimes I wonder if I’m stuck.
Mighty, what a great post! I’m glad you are having more “feel better” moments. I’m holding on to mine, trying not to make that step back.
Love this!
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Mighty, I think the mere fact that you didn't spray paint "HWW is a husband-stealing HO" on the front of her house is proof that you handled yourself well!!!!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Mighty, I think the mere fact that you didn't spray paint "HWW is a husband-stealing HO" on the front of her house is proof that you handled yourself well!!!!
Ellie- it would be impossible for me to count the number of times the thought crossed my mind.
Hi Bright!
Bea- do they only give one way tickets to that planet?
First off ^^^^^^^what she said!! and not just the house - car, and ideally a tattoo on her forehead. Forwards and back so she sees it in the mirror and everyone else when she walks around. Oh and his car too . . . . Billboards would be nice on his route to work and hers to the supermarket (or wherever she goes) . . . . However, a tv campaign, apart from the expense, might look a shade vindictive and even obsessive.
Second
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The thought I had yesterday was how much I loved my husband. I loved him so much. Was so in love with him. Was totally attracted to him. In my eyes, there was no other man on the planet who could compare to him. I would have done anything in the world for him and for us. My husband is gone. He isn't with hww. That is not my husband. And I don't want that guy. She can have him. I got the best of him. I have those memories (and those dances, right, Shining?!). It's all good. I can find peace in this.
Yes, so well put, You have an amazing capability to write honestly about your feelings, to put into words what so many of us feel or have felt.
If you don't write a lot in your current job you might consider ways you can use this gift more.
