Hi Mighty, So much of what you wrote I can relate to. Not to hijack your thread but when I see that my D15 has told my W that a big reason she is cutting herself is because of her actions and she STILL doesn't want to admit that what she has done, the way she did it, when she did (when my D was leaving a private middle school for HS and was going to lose many of her lifetime friends already but because W moved so far she lost ALL her friends and was thrust into a sitch where she had no one), the fact that she could be so selfish as to not care how her actions hurt those that counted on her the most and STILL feel "justified" in doing what she did shows just how small a person she has become. Like you with you xh in your sitch, in my case how she can see her own child mutilate herself because W had to run away to find "joy" and she can be happy living that life makes me wonder just what kind of person she truly is and always was, deep inside. Not someone I could ever be with again and feel the same way about, that is certain.
Yet at the same time the loss of our R also hurts physically. The fact that she doesn't want me isn't as bad as the fact that she is so OK with making those who love her pay such a high price for her to be "happy". I get angry that I didn't see she was capable of this, trusted her enough to have children with her, to open myself up to her so completely only to have her kick me where it counts to make herself feel better about what SHE is doing that is so hurtful. To watch her twist logic and reality in a vain attempt to justify her actions makes me so deeply sad, a sadness I too feel in my body as well as my soul.
To listen to my beautiful, smart, caring D talk about the pain of being moved from one home to another every week, how she feels like her own mother see's her as a "bother", an impediment to the life she would rather be living , feels so much anxiety that she actually cut open her flesh to let it out and now feels like a worthless idiot for doing it causes me physical pain worse than any I've ever felt. And knowing it was because of the actions of the person I loved and trusted more than any other just makes it worse.
I also feel that void deep down. That feeling that "something" important is missing at my core. I think it's trust. At this point I don't know if I will ever be able to fully trust any other person again. How do you ever get past the fact that the ONE person we trusted completely causes so much destruction and pain. How could we not be aware that inside that person was this new one who has come out and totally turned our worlds upside down? I think that void comes from knowing for the first time in so many years that we are really, truly alone in the world. Not only didn't we get a "Hey, thanks for the 20 years" we got blamed for every bad feeling,every bit of unhappiness they have felt since we've known them. Told that it was our fault that they "have" to run away and hurt so many people. We know all we ever did was try and be good S's and friends. That our intentions were only good yet here they are spewing at us and telling us what failures WE are. Not an easy thing to take.
I also get the that while you don't want your xh NOT to be happy, it's so hard to take thinking he actually can be doing what he is. And if my W and your xh can be happy doing what they are......we really need to move in the opposite direction to get away from someone like that.
Mighty you are not alone, we both need to remember that we aren't what they make us out to be. We have value. We will make it through this and be better for it. And like Shining says, there will be bacon at the end!
Great posts, Mighty -- and Matt. So glad to hear you are on the upswing Mighty. Keep processing, keep writing. You help so many by doing that! And as for a trip, a getaway for the LBS's? Count me in!!
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
Your post made me smile big....really big. It is a process and you are going to be even more fabulous than you already are (if that is possible). I am thrilled for you. Yes, you will still have some caca days, and that is okay.
Hey! I can totally turn it up too. I'm in for a trip:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Mighty, you are turning a BIG corner right now.... atta girl! I love where this is heading. (cue the Nirvana themed rocking out head banging). I wear plaid in your honor.
And I am going to ride cheerleader-piggy-back on GB (because that's how we roll) and concur with her comment about the caca days. I still have them, and probably always will. It shifts, tho.
I have simple moments where I wonder if xh is happy. It is a tough thought. Not that I don't want him to be... but like this... it's hard. To be able to throw me away like this after 20 years with out so much as a "see ya later" or "Hey, thanks for 20 years" or "Bye".... well.... that's hard. Really hard. Incredibly hard. It tears me up. I just don't comprehend that. At all. So... I just can't focus on it. I am not sure how someone can be happy with their life while doing that. But, if he can be... well that says a lot. And, just keeps me moving... in the other direction.
Being a scientific/nerdy/engineering type, ^^^ was/is very difficult for me to get past, since I want to know the answer, to make sense of it, to understand...
I finally am at that point where 99% of the time I accept that there are questions that won't/can't be answered.... made sense of... that closure is not going to be given.
Sounds like you are getting there... that acceptance point...but it is a bear to get through and to...
Keep going...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
So ... yeah .. I LOVED that post, you wear it on your sleeve and I totally dig that about you .. .there is not a doubt about where you stand regardless ... that trait is kick a$$ honestly. This is as about as centered as I can recall reading on you in some time .. and that's just a great thing.
So yeah .. the trip .. I would love to ... call it GAL so I have an excuse eh? I'm down.
My friend, I so admire your honesty. Really looking at your feelings is what will get you through this.
When you take a step back, it isnt necessarily a bad thing. It just means that you needed to revisit a feeling in order to let it go. It isnt a setback. It is a what you need to do in order to move forward. All part of this process. It's when you live there, that causes you to be stuck.
I always say I wish I didnt have to learn what I needed to in the way that I did. But then, it would have been a different journey.
I dont agree with you about you moving thruogh this with less grace than others, M. To me, you have acted with courange and dignity through some horrific things.
Finding some peace is a good thing. You arent ready for total forgiveness yet and that is ok.
I completely get what you mean by a total body experience. It is a jolt to the system. Everything that we thought to be true, is no longer. It feels wrong, deep inside. That then extends to other parts of the body.
When I was going through all of this, I remember that I would have a day or two where I was doing well, then something small would bring it all back to the surface again. That searing pain, the emptiness and the confusion. You are working through it. That is what matters, Mighty. You are getting up and living your life.
I walked the journey with my bud, Trav. And yea, he wanted to understand it badly. The truth is, how can we? It is so foreign to us. We arent in crisis. We havent done what they have. Some things in life just arent explained. Like, when a child dies or someone gets cancer. We cant understand it. It doesnt make sense. Yet, we have to just accept it.
You are right where you are supposed to be, Mighty. One foot in front of the other. You are grieving and that takes time.
This is a very sad thing, the breakup of a marriage and a family. It just is. And if we didnt feel the way we do, what would that say about us?
I wish I could tell you that you wont always feel something about this. But that isnt the truth. It wont be a searing pain, but, rather a dull ache when you think about it.
You are doing great, sweetie. Keep following your path. Keep remembering where you came from and who you have become. Never forget how strong you are.
Mighty, just wanted to chime in that I have considered you graciousness in the face of an awful situation. You have been battered by all of this mentally and by extent that is something that takes a physical toll. I understand what you mean about the physical response.
You are doing really well but that can be hard to see when you are in the center of the storm. For a long while things were required of you to just get through the day. H's presence required certain coping strategies. Now that some things have happened it is kind of like after a funeral when everyone else has gone back to their lives. You remain but the have to do it list is not required so dealing with the grief takes on a different tone.
Gracious Mighty know that you have been acting from a place of love for your family and your marriage. Embrace that but now is the time to act completely from a place of love for yourself. You of all the people in this situation deserve that love most of all.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Oh MIGHTY - I feel your pain. Know that we are here for each other. Love, support, thoughts, and prayers. You are amazing and so blessed. Remember that! Those 20 years were NOT a waste. They are part of who you are whether the MLC'er realizes that or not is up to them. They may never get it but you know they weren't a waste. Let's get ready for the rest of our time - rejoicing that our lives are gonna be better than before!
The depths of this place can't be measured but neither can the highs. We are all flying through the valleys but those are temporary. Let's get to the mountain top!!
