Awwwww... schucks, Shining! I think I had salmonella of the brain. It was bad. No tears today, for whatever reason. Warm your boot's up... I'll be there...
Oh, and S, I was also thinking on my way to ic about how I had so much toxicity in me and didn't know how to get it out. Hmm... interesting that you posted that last night... you answered my question!
Today I happened upon ONE thread from Kimmerz from 2012. I am not sure how far she was into this at the time, but it seemed fairly close to the beginning. Her description of her h was very similar to mine. I couldn't believe it! His actions, interactions w kids, behavior pre-mlc, etc.
So I searched her name on here and got one thread from 11/14. It was a couple of years after the thread I had read, and saw her xh had married the ow. Ick. Now, I actually posted on that thread, and remembered reading it, too. But, hadn't put the two together until then.
But, seeing it now, I still see so many similarities. It's just really weird. And, what I have continuously found is that the further you progress through this and look back, you make different connections that you hadn't realized before.
I know that there are so many similarities here... according to the script. It was just the way she had described his behavior and actions pre and current mlc that was striking to me.
Eerie, isn't it Mighty. The MLCers all seem to think that they are so unique, so just being who they were "meant" to be. They just don't get that are actually so very clique. I was struck by how they say certain things, word for word, that are listed here as things MLCers say. My W really believes that she is "empowering" herself by what she is doing. That it's takes "strength" to walk away when it is obvious to any observer that it's actually the" weak", easy way. It takes real strength to work through things, to fight for what is right, to look at what the real causes of our pain are.
Each sitch is unique in the details. What made me finally truly believe in MLC was how so many people, all different, say and do so many of the exact same things. I really think that one day they will recognize MLC as an actual mental disorder and the things our S's have done and are doing symptoms of those having that disorder!
By the way, you sound much better today. And that really makes ME happy!
Mighty- I don't post much but have been reading your sitch. You are doing all you can to move through this but sometimes we just have a rough patch. Glad you like the IC and the focus is on you.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Eerie, isn't it Mighty. The MLCers all seem to think that they are so unique, so just being who they were "meant" to be. They just don't get that are actually so very clique. I was struck by how they say certain things, word for word, that are listed here as things MLCers say. My W really believes that she is "empowering" herself by what she is doing. That it's takes "strength" to walk away when it is obvious to any observer that it's actually the" weak", easy way. It takes real strength to work through things, to fight for what is right, to look at what the real causes of our pain are.
Each sitch is unique in the details. What made me finally truly believe in MLC was how so many people, all different, say and do so many of the exact same things. I really think that one day they will recognize MLC as an actual mental disorder and the things our S's have done and are doing symptoms of those having that disorder!
Just want to comment on two big points you made in your post...
1. Yep -- Staying and working on things is much harder and the MLC-way is the easy way out. LBS who try to stand for the R/M are willing and prepared to do the hard work that it will take -- but the MLCer just wants to start over with something easier (no baggage). Outside observers can easily see this and understand it -- but MLC-mind can't and won't.
2. Seeing the similarities also helped me realize that this is very real. I too hope that one day this is recognized as a true mental disorder. Not sure what kind of treatment would work -- MLCer would have to first recognize they have a problem, right? But at least if this could be recognized more widely so that all doctors and therapists take it seriously when the symptoms are present.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Hey, Matt. Thanks for the post and support! It certainly is weird how many similarities there are. It IS like they have been taken over by aliens or something!
Hey, Gwen. Thanks for dropping in. Hope you are well.
Jur- excellent points. Ones we try to figure out... but probably never will. And I agree, to me there are several indications that this is a real issue. Clearly, or we wouldn't all be here seeking the help we do.
Just an update:
Things are going OK. My brother invited me over yesterday after work for a happy hour of sorts. He works at the same place as me, but different building. We used to be in the same building. So we have mutual friends from work, which is cool. I forced myself to go. That's kind of where I am now. Forcing myself. Even if I decide to go, I usually end up talking myself out of it. Which isn't difficult. But as I was getting ready to leave, a friend stopped in on his way out to make sure I was going. He is always on my case about that stuff.
So I did. There were about 10 people there. I laughed a lot. Was more of myself. I am, by nature, an outgoing, extrovert. I do like to be around people. That's when I'm not in this.... whatever mode.... this is. One I am uncertain about.
But, we weren't there for too long. They had dinner plans for a fish fry (my brother, sil, and another couple).
I knew going home would be difficult. I was having a good time, then home, very early and alone. Now what? Kids were going to go off with friends. Now what? This house which is torn up. A constant reminder of what my life is. So, I watched a movie. My go-to these days.
When I woke up this morning, I had the usual emptiness... void.... alone-ness... lost feeling. But, when I was making my coffee, something dawned on me. I'm OK. I can be content with where I am right now. I don't have to look at it as I have. I mean... duh... I hear it all the time. And I know, the only way is up from this point. I have things to look forward to. Perhaps a change in my thinking will help with a change in my feelings.
I hope so!
On another note... xh is still getting under my skin. Albeit, it is less... but the mere thought of him makes my spine quiver.
A couple of days ago, he was late to p/u s18 for school. I got a call saying he was tardy. Must have had a rough morning with babies and toddlers... ugh. D14 was talking about xh yesterday. She said s18 had called him to see where he was and he said on xxx road (the road his house w hww is) and s18 replied, "You .......") Not sure exactly what, as d14 did not fill in the blank. Xh still lives under the guise that everything is the same with the kids. Does not say anything about his choices or what they are. But that's his deal. But, the kids are clearly confused, living in a little denial, and feeling, I think, like I did not too long ago.
Then d14 said she asked her cousin (who lives next door where xh had been staying... xh was in her room while she was staying in with her sisters) if xh was still staying there. (So sad she asks her cousin where her dad lives). C14 said no but he needs to move out bc its annoying.
Yesterday when I left for work, xh had his truck at bil. He may have been picking up things. I think he is slowly bringing things back to hww. I don't know. I don't want to know. I hate that I have to see it. D14 announced after work he was there again, but it was only for a few minutes. Must have picked up more stuff.
But, the part that get me. First, I was annoyed he was late for s18. It is literally the ONLY parenting that he does. Drives s18 two minutes to school. That is it. Not ONE other thing. And he is late, bc he is with the other ones. I know I shouldn't think too much about it. And I am not going to make anything of it, as long as it does not continue. But it is annoying. Just a little more salt on the wound.
Then, the other thing.. yesterday he was early. And since I wan't car pooling, I had left a little later. But, after I left, he came to my house to get s18 and came in the house! D14 told me this yesterday too. It was only for a second to tell s18 to hurry up (he could call his phone). But I told him specifically that he is not to step foot into this house. He would have never done that w me here. And I know he just wanted to peek in. Probably see what was the status on the kitchen or something. Maybe see about the electrical fire??????? Doubt it.
He also called d14 yesterday to see her plans for the weekend. D14 said she was busy. He asked her a million questions. Who is taking you? Who are you going with? Is so and so going to be there? They were questions which, in a round about way, would let him know what I was doing. That's what I think anyway. I could be wrong. But d14 said, "Why do you always call me to play 20 questions?"
Life would be easier if he lived further away. Honestly, he does not offer anything as far as parental support. He is a like an uncle who picks up the kids once in awhile to take them to the movies. That's it. And every encounter makes me anxious. It is getting a little better. But, it's annoying to deal with.
So... I got some good news at work about performance. That was good. And, last night, my friend sent me a text (the one who made sure I went to my b's house), "fyi, you're the $hit." It was silly, but it make me smile.
But, the part that get me. First, I was annoyed he was late for s18. It is literally the ONLY parenting that he does
That's the part that gets you? Huh. I'm guessing there's more somewhere But to the point, if he can't handle that one thing, maybe you should stop expecting him to be able to? Hell, he can't handle taking care of himself if you ask me, and you want him to successfully at least be a parent? Not likely, m'dear. Not now, maybe never. But very certainly not now.
Yay you! Good performance and good news!
As for going home to loneliness? It seems that way for now, but honestly, there will come a time you'll protect that time. For now is it loneliness or just that it's not what you wanted and a different routine you aren't used to yet? There's a difference, Mighty.
AJ
FYI - You ARE the s**t, Mighty. You're friend probably has a hard time holding back from telling you all the time
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Yes, Mighty, you ARE the $hit!!! And you and your remodeling skills are gonna be a hot commodity on the dating scene once you're ready.
But I want to talk to you about something my dear. About letting go. And about the risk to your health by not letting go.
Read Vge1 s thread. Some similarities to your sitch....her h had a child by another woman, she reconciled with him, but now several years later he's bolted with another woman and Vge has stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. No way to know for sure, but the stress of all this has probably played a big role.
I broke out in shingles a couple of years ago when my ex was stressing me out over some financial issues with the kids....not a coincidence.
So what I'm saying is, the best thing that you can do for yourself right now is to quit focusing on the ex and start dreaming some fun new dreams for yourself.
Hey, AJ. Yeah... so, ya got me. I suppose that there is more to it that gets me.
Also, the alone thing... yeah... it's an adjustment. I remember the time in the fall where I was able to appreciate it. And, I believe you that I will be able to again. I think it is difficult the most during the times when I don't want to be alone. It is like it magnifies that fact that I am. But, that is where I need to sukk it up.
Hey Ellie! You know what? I had the same thoughts. The stress. But, I didn't realize that her h had a child. I missed that. I read the latest thread and it broke my heart. It is no where near that serious, but in my mind, it brought up the recent surgery I had. And you are right, I need to let go.
My post did have "stuff" about xh... and I can honestly say, it was more for journaling purposes. I almost didn't, bc I think it exerts to much energy sometimes. He seems so far away right now. That's good for me. I had a thought today, and I am actually surprised to have it: I am glad he is not in my life right now. I can't believe I have that thought. I just can't stand the drama, immaturity, energy-sukking, insecurity... all that that goes along with him right now.
I do have to be honest... it is hard to totally let go. I have a loose grip... but little by little I am letting go. I know that once I totally do... that's it.
I am happy not communicating, not seeing, not knowing. I prefer it now. But, I guess letting go is also a realization of what I have known, for what seems forever, will be gone forever.
I also have much more focus on myself. I have a lot to deal with. The after-affects of all of this, among my own personal "issues" which need addressing. Right now, my biggest obstacle is fear. It is not something I have always had, but one which is a result of bomb. Nuke, particularly. And, the latest debacle, which has only exacerbated it. It's going to be a big one. One with several different elements. But one that needs immediate attention. This, so I can take steps into my life. And with more confidence.
Hmmmm... dreams.... working on it. I will be sure to let you know the first one i come up with!
Hey my friend...you're friend is right...you rock. Good job on the good news at work, too.
So, you are still trying to force yourself to be somewhere on this journey that you think you should be. I know it's hard not to do that at times, but, it doesnt serve you well.
You have to let this unfold the way it does.
Good on you for forcing yourself to go out. Sometimes you have to do that.
Because I care about you, I just want to make mention of the mindreading you were doing...:)
Originally Posted By: Mighty
xh had his truck at bil. He may have been picking up things. I think he is slowly bringing things back to hww. Must have picked up more stuff.
And he is late, bc he is with the other ones.
And I know he just wanted to peek in. Probably see what was the status on the kitchen or something. Maybe see about the electrical fire??????? Doubt it.
They were questions which, in a round about way, would let him know what I was doing. That's what I think anyway.
Get outta his head, sweetie. It's crazy up in there.
So, what does Mighty want to try? Where would you want to go if you could go anywhere?
Busted! Yup, uR- you're right. Can I say, at least it no longer sends me spinnin? No excuse... Whatever he is doing- it's just crazy making anyway. Can't let it take me with him.
Me? Well... I'd love to go to Greece. And! I was thinking about it last night! Someday..: Now, looking forward to trip w kids in 2 wks.
Kitchen is slowly progressing. That's pretty much top priority now. Life will be so much better when that is done!
But to the point, if he can't handle that one thing, maybe you should stop expecting him to be able to? Hell, he can't handle taking care of himself if you ask me, and you want him to successfully at least be a parent? Not likely, m'dear. Not now, maybe never. But very certainly not now.