Hey Mighty, just checking in... How are you doing?
(From last thread ^^)
Hi uR! Thanks for checking in. I have been in a really weird place.
I don't know if it's progress or regression. I really don't!
What I find is that, well... for me... it's like I have had a sort of sympathy pains or something for the mlc. I feel like my emotions have taken me on a pseudo mlc or something. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but I feel like I go through my own stages, but... just not so extreme or my actions are that of mlc. It's more like the emotional stages. Maybe not, maybe I'm just totally losing my mind. Maybe I'm just over-tired (Damn you, time change! It's inhumane at this point... when you are working on a couple hour's sleep as it is!)
But, I am just in the stupidest place (I don't have a better adjective). And I feel like a fog has lifted from me. But I don't know how I feel about it.
I haven't felt anger in a bit. I have cried a lot lately. That's not so normal. I have gone months previously... thought I was cried out. But now... I just cry. Several times a day. I don't know what that is about. Yet, I feel numb a lot of the time. Confused. I feel very distant from xh. I just don't know him at all anymore. I have never felt the distance like I do now.
This is the longest I have gone w/o him contacting me. I don't think that is exactly the reason I feel the distance, but some of it. But more so, is that I just don't know who he is. He is sooooo different. Even spending that time with him, he is just different. And now.... I don't know now. It weird that it "ended" the same way... just through his actions. He hasn't said anything about his choice. It tiring. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't have energy to be angry or upset about it. I think about how he had to continue to have discussions w hww for "closure" and that... and with me... nothing. I don't understand how you can spend your life with someone for 20 years- more than half of your life, and just walk away without saying anything. Twice. I know I can't rationalize it. I know it's not something I even want in my life. It's just tiring. Makes me feel so worthless.
I imagine people on the outside must think that people get divorced all the time and that I should be over it and moved on by now. Maybe I should! But... I haven't quite yet. I know it will "get better." But, I'm not totally convinced. Not that I'm being pessimistic... but I just don't exactly see it right now. I'm sure it will. But... it just seems like I was... but I still had a long way to go. And thinking now about how much it took to get to that point is a lot. It seems so far away... and yet, even from there, still so far.
The weather has gotten a little better- in the 40's! Yes, I did say that. And yes, 40's around here give you a little boost! Believe it.
The kids and I have had some fun the last couple of days. We have spent more time together, the 3 of us. I notice that we all seem to appreciate it. We seem connected and to have an unspoken understanding. Almost like, accepting that this our family now.
(Although d14 is ticked at me tonight bc she got free tickets for her and a friend to a concert and I won't let her go bc they are at a night club downtown. It's a teenage band, but she said the "adult" taking them is 19. Ummmm... no.)
It's been one month today since I texted xh that I am not going to engage in discussions with him. That he made a choice and I was not going to be part of that life anymore. It has been 3 weeks since he stopped trying to engage. I know it does not seem long, but it's whatever.
It has also been since that time that he stopped staying at bil. I knew the day I didn't include him in d14's birthday he would be upset and go stay there. He never returned. That's ok. And really, if that's how they want their r... whatever. I mean, they are practically teenagers. I could totally see a ticked off teen acting like that.
This certainly is a long, rambling post. Nothing like the musings of Mighty. Well.... nothing as lame.
So, I just don't know how i feel anymore. I don't know if this is the beginning of acceptance or what. Or, if I have totally lost it, or I am heading in the wrong direction. But I figure, for now, I'm just going to go with it. It is a change. I need a change. Fingers crossed it is a good one. Who knows now, bc it certainly doesn't feel better- or worse. Just is.
This distance... that's the weirdest part. Like a disconnection. I know there is one, but not with this person. Does it scare me to think of totally losing a connection? Hmmmm... I think it does. But I think his tunnel is so deep, he is reaching the Earth's core. If he ever comes up, he may be covered in magma.
He will definitely be covered in magma - great analogy.
Mighty this is so hard. This is the man you shared your life with and built a family with and a home with. Allow yourself the time and room to grieve.
I know it feels like the world is so down with divorce these days and what's taking you so long to move on... Don't listen to the outside b.s. This is hard hard stuff.
Enjoy your kids even when being a parent $ucks
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Oh Mighty I so get where you are - my xh did the same thing - needed to have discussions with OW about closure and doing the right thing by her. Then he went back.
And yes all of those feelings roiling around. It is like an angry sea. But it does settle down, I promise.
I think I felt incredulity, looking back. That this person could act like this. But here is what I think. We are part of their DNA. There is no separation in their minds from us (Weird I know) and so they have never wholly left us. I am not sure if this is true for all MLCers but it seems true of some.
The sense of him feeling there is still an unacknowledged link is so apparent in my recent interactions with my xh. Not so much in what he said but what was not said, and how he acted.
They are acting out. The damage is huge and by the time they realise it (if they do) it is hard to put right.
I think I felt incredulity, looking back. That this person could act like this. But here is what I think. We are part of their DNA. There is no separation in their minds from us (Weird I know) and so they have never wholly left us. I am not sure if this is true for all MLCers but it seems true of some.
I have always felt this ... never really thought of it nor put the words you just did here but I completely feel this is true, along the way they make sure that we are still where they put us .. but I think there is alot to this.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Hey Mighty, You say you feel like an MLCer, well that makes sense. You are in a "crisis" yourself, not the same as theirs but one brought on by xh's actions. This crisis was forced on you. Your entire world has changed, your plans for your future you had for the last 20 years are no longer valid due to things totally outside your control. Your family has lost one of it's wheels and nothing you can do will fix this. Of course you feel in crisis!
All us LBS's are in our own crisises. Just one's that aren't caused by our past hurts but by having the rug pulled out from under our lives. Our journeys out our just as hard as the MLCers. We need to reassess everything. Make new lives for ourselves. Come to terms with all we lost, knowing we didn't do anything to deserve this.
We will stop and start, move forward and slide back but unlike the MLCer we understand that we alone control whether we enjoy our lives, are "happy", are grateful for all we have been blessed with and not crying over that which we don't. You have to go through this so you can come out the other side having learned a hard lesson but better than you ever were before. Hang in there Mighty, you WILL get there sooner than you think!
Hang tough Mighty. I have been following you and your situation and you seem like a strong and centered person even if you do't feel it 100% of the time. That's OK too.
One foot in front of the other is my motto. My great accomplishmnents are to get through the day. My old likfe was filled with so much "accomplished" now it's baby steps to reestablish myself and my life.
Hi Brook, bea, Cali, 2B, Matt, and FOOLISH! Thanks so much for checking in. It felt really good to hear from you guys. Sometimes when I just get so lonely, it is so nice to see that someone posts to you. And to get shout outs from all of you was a nice feeling.
Another long day... cried a lot, like a stupid little baby. However, I had a late appoint tonight with my new ic. I felt so differently on my drive home than I did on my drive there, in which I cried most of the way there. (Maybe I'm making up for lost time... I never cried as a kid... never- parent's divorce, funerals, nothing could make me cry. I was saving up, I think.)
Anyway... he was great. And he kept the focus on me. I think it's going to be really good. I had felt for the first time in awhile, a sort of reestablishment of strength. A little bit of finding some grounding. (And, I'm remembering those thoughts, AJ!)
I am looking forward to it. I think this will be really good for me.
Yay!! I'm glad your initial session was so positive!
The crying?? My doctor once told me that the brain produces chemicals that are like toxins, which are excreted through tears when we cry. So your body NEEDS to get rid of that stuff!!! Like brainpoop.
You sound good, Mighty. <3.
Keep going. Tiny steps forward, and the next thing you know....?? You'll feel the sun shining and your boots tappin and then you realize you're in TX.
