M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
A long time in between updates, but I do want to keep updating just in case our story might encourage others.
So there's definitely been a positive progression in both of us. For me, I've gone from not trusting myself or him, wondering if I made a mistake and if I was being a fool in trying to reconcile... to feeling more like like I made the right decision.
Rocky January
January was difficult. Even though we were separated, I began "acting" like a wife: doing errands for him, making calls for him. I used to be able to do stuff like this because I worked part time, but during our separation he told me I had been "freeloading for years" while he worked his butt off.
He threatened that unless I worked 40 hours a week after the divorce, he would fight me on any form of alimony, "to the last penny of our savings." I felt so resentful whenever he said this. I worked hard to make a nice home for us, to ease up on his responsibilities. I never freeloaded. But that doesn't matter to someone in MLC, does it?
So there I was, arranging my work schedule to take his car to be serviced, spending an hour on the phone to clear up an insurance payment dispute, stuff like that, and I started feeling resentful.
Angst at the Mechanic's
To make matters worse, when I took his car to the shop I saw a piece of construction paper in the trunk and pulled it out: it was a handmade birthday card from OW's daughter,.
So his birthday was during the separation, but pretty close to the date when he initiated divorce. So even though he'd told me he "hadn't even talked with OW for months!" I knew he'd somehow been in contact with her to receive the card.
While I sat in the mechanic's waiting room I imagined he'd been to a birthday party at her house, or maybe gone out with her and her kids. And the poor kids. When OW and I were friends, I liked her kids. I liked her daughter. I thought it was terrible that those kids were exposed to rotating men in OW's life, creating handmade birthday cards for him, and then losing them.
I got angry all over again at H for involving himself with OW, for involving himself with a woman with kids. As I sat in the auto shop waiting room the waves of anger and frustration just washed over me.
The MC Really Helps Out
I met with our MC by myself and told him what I was feeling. He agreed that it would be tough to run into such a concrete reminder of H's A. But he pointed out that it obviously happened during the separation, that H put the card in his trunk and probably forgot it, obviously it didn't mean much to him. Still, it bothered me on so many levels.
I continued to meet with the MC a couple of times on my own. He worked with me on how I could express what I need to Mr. Gritty in a more productive way. (I never told H I found the card, just left it in the trunk. I'm staying out of his trunk. Even when I found pieces of construction paper in the bungalow with OW's daughter's first drafts of the birthday card, I just let it go.)
The MC told me I shouldn't expect to just suddenly feel like there was a blanket of trust in our relationship, because trust isn't big and encompassing like a blanket or a tarp that could cover our marriage, but rather trust consists of a bunch of little pieces of trust that come together, like pieces of tile in a mosaic.
My assignment was to look for the little pieces of trust and use them to build a new mosaic of trust in our relationship.
Tiling is Piecing, I figure.
The first little piece of trust I focused on was how Mr. Gritty was taking care of our old dog. When H left, he left the both of us. He adored his dog but about two years before he left he started complaining about the dog, that he was expensive and hairy and dirty, how we never should've gotten the dog. H withdrew completely from him, stopped petting him, stopped talking to the dog, etc., just acted like the dog didn't exist.
And after he left me, he told me several times to put the dog to sleep. Even during our first two divorce mediation sessions, when I would say I needed money to pay for some vet bills, he would get aggravated and say, "just kill the dog!" That sentence always killed me.
But in January I saw that he was back to his old, loving way with the dog. H insisted on walking him, picking up the poop, and even asking me if I thought the dog was comfortable, stuff like that. Sometimes he'd say, "Look, our dog is so happy, just hanging with us. He's so happy we're together again." It sounds kind of funny as I write it, but little events like these were like the little pieces of trust I could pick up and retile our relationship with.
And yet I still felt a an overwhelming urge to search his phone. I didn't think I'd find proof that he was currently in contact with her, but I had a really intense desire to read what he and she had texted each other during some major moments during our separation and during the beginning of the EA and then the PA. But I fought off that urge, because I thought it would set us back. Now I don't feel it that much anymore.
I also continued to go to a weekly prayer group that also helped me a lot. And Mr. Gritty was trying, I could see that, and that helped, too
A Big Breakthrough!
One thing that still bugged me was that our finances were still separated. I told Mr. Gritty that I was showing good faith by doing wifely things for him (like taking his car in for service) but I needed a token of good faith from him. I told him that rejoining our money would help me believe he was serious, because he always was serious about money.
He said fine, and just like that our finances were rejoined.
So by February, I was feeling much better about our reconciliation. Even though we were still separated, I felt like he had made a big commitement by rejoining our money, so that helped me relax a lot.
Another Breakthrough!
Valentine's Day was really special for me, because that's the day I noticed that he was wearing his wedding ring. He laughed when I gasped and touched the ring, and told me he'd been wearing it at least a week before I noticed it. I almost cried, I was so happy. That was an outward show of commitment to our marriage. That was real. Again, I felt like I could be more patient waiting for him to come home.
Letting the past go...
About every two weeks he'll text me something like, "I keep thinking about the hell I put you through last year, and I'm so sorry." I never know what to say when that happens. What I'm thinking is: "Damn right, last year was the worst year of my life!" But what I usually say is, "The past is the past."
I mean, he was in MLC, so I let it go. And now he's coming back to me. Every night I climb into bed and say, "Thank you, God!"
The best breakthrough of all
Now we're in March. To me, March will be forever be the month in which my man started to pray again.
About 6 months before he told me about OW, he announced that he was never going to pray again. Now I understand what was happening back then: he was rejecting everything, God, the dog, his wife...
But a week ago we were sitting at dinner and he grabbed my hand and said, "I want to pray," and we prayed. I'm tearing up writing this right now. He's come back in bits and pieces, each piece making him more whole, each piece another little tile rebuilding our trust.
Last year I'd given up. I mean, I still did my DBing, but I didn't think there was any hope for us, especially after he initiated divorce proceedings. But God is good. What was taken away has been returned, only better.
Er, the past is back! But only for a minute! (Or two)
About a week ago he started to talk about OW. He told me that she had wanted him to tell her she was more beautiful than I was, and that he could never comply. He said this always pissed OW off. And then he told me he didn't think he should talk about it and he shut up.
I didn't know what I could say that wouldn't be judging, or criticism, or defensiveness, or whatever, so I just listened, but again, OW, WTH?
No matter!
I finally feel like yes, we are in piecing. We are still separated, still working things out day by day. But he is public about coming back to me, and I know he loves me. When I compare where I was last year, good grief. The difference is incredible.
I'm not going to bash myself for making mistakes during Mr. Gritty's MLC. I didn't know any better. I did my best. It was all a learning process. But I made a ton of mistakes, and somehow we're probably gonna make it. There are people here who are doing everything right, and they may not make it. It's in God's hands, so the biggest thing to remember is that we have no control over anything but ourselves. We are children of God, just remember that. We have nothing to fear.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
I want to thank everyone else who checked on me. This forum was a lifesaver for me.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Oh Nitty. I am so happy for you. Thank you for sharing your story. You have no idea how much it means to hear about you and H and all you are doing for your M.
Your courage and optimism give me hope. Thank you Nitty!
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Nitty, You have to remember that this is a brand new relationship and you both start out as friends and go from there. You can't revert back to the old ways or it won't work. Take things slowly and don't get too impatient if things aren't moving quicker than you want.
Dig deeper for patience and remember...you both have changed because of the situation.
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
