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kat727 #2556390 04/12/15 01:35 AM
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I had a good day lined up - play basketball with s13 then take d17 to a movie ('Insurgent'). Ah, the best laid plans of mice and men...

S13 was again in a sour mood. As an example, I asked him last night if he wanted to go today's movie and he said "no". I asked him again this morning, and he started screaming and yelling at me. This is not like him at all. It did not escalate from there, but he was still tough to be around.

Basketball was fun though. A shorter 8 year old decided to play with us, and he was a good dribbler with a decent shot. They played 1-on-1, a battle of a quick shorter player against my tall and big son. Everyone had fun.

So I was in a good mood when I went to pick up d17. She was also in a good mood b/c she has a tea/luncheon tomorrow with one of the colleges out east that accepted her. The movie was great, and we both enjoyed it. I invited her to eat at a place nearby, but she politely declined.

But on the ride back to W's place, things turned sour. After some light talk about the movie, we talked about W/mom's not having insurance. I know when I stopped paying insurance (last September it was finally switched over). And d17 was trying to explain that W/mom only stopped carrying insurance over the winter when she was driving a friend's car. I knew this was wrong, but I wasn't going to argue about it. I left it at "you do a good job defending your mother."

Then I wanted to talk about tomorrow's informational tea/lunch with an eastern college. D17 is brilliant, but she is not gifted in being in social settings. So I brought up that she might want to try something called "active listening", for the purpose of being someone who can hold a good conversation. D17 got offended.

D17 told me that this was just an informational meeting and she could do quite well without any of my help. I was hurt and said "well, I guess you know best." And d17 shot back, "aren't you Mr. know-it-all". After a few minutes of cold silence, I changed the subject back to the movie, and when we got back to W's place I wished her well for tomorrow's meeting.

It was also this past week W told me while we were doing taxes that I think I know-it-all, and that I spout off on anything without knowing what I was talking about. But this is the first time I have heard d17 attack me like this, and I didn't like it. There is some underlying anger at me in d17, and when I hardly get to see or talk to her, I don't think I can do anything about it. And I don't know why.

And yes, the charges are accurate. I am well read, and I know a little bit about many topics, and I like sharing my opinion. But I don't think I was wrong here, trying to prepare d17 for an important college gathering tomorrow. This is frustrating.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Wet #2556489 04/12/15 01:56 PM
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A teenage girl frustrating? Really? Huh.

The advice was one of a caring father. The recipient heard it, but didn't want to. smile

Puzzles me more why son was in a foul mood?

As for the advice? Perhaps a good dose of STFU would be helpful as a different approach?

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2556491 04/12/15 02:07 PM
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Wet,
I'm so sorry about what transpired yesterday. However, teenagers do not like for adults to offer up advice. They do think we know it all. Heard the same bs from other kids her age and you know what? It's best to remain silent and allow them to learn on their own. When they've hit the brick wall enough and are then ready to listen, the teacher will be there to help them. It's the "age" and they are just like the dear old mlcers. Unfortunately, they think they "know it all" right now and they are in for a rude awakening when they get out into that cold, cruel world.

Your advice to her was spot on...but in the future, listen and only offer up advice when she asks for it. Trust me, she will come to you for advice when she's ready. They have to make these mistakes in order to learn from them. This is all part of growing up.

As for your son, what was his issue?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2556550 04/12/15 08:07 PM
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Thank you Job and AJ. I needed the reassurance so that I do not make my issue with d17 bigger than it should be.

S13? He gets better as the weekend goes along, and we are together the whole time. So this tells me he is not around anyone else during the week (W is not spending much time around the kids), he is playing games on his ipad (obsessively?) and he is shutting out the rest of the world. His grades have plummeted (incl. 2 F's) this past quarter, when he was doing so well at the beginning of the year.

An interesting text from W today. She mentioned "she is counting the days" in reference to d17 going off to college in the fall. I think it also means she is really ready to give me s13 as the primary caretaker. I have been looking at places to live in his current school district.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Wet #2556554 04/12/15 08:27 PM
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You probably already instinctively know this, but it's likely that your son being with you full time would be a good thing for him. A boy in his teen years needs his dad (parents really, but dad is very important for him to learn how to be a man; mom to learn how to have a relationship with a woman, and dad again to see how to treat women and people in general.) Stability for a child is very important and let's face it, you're the stable parent for the foreseeable future.

If you can find a way to make that happen, gently, it would be a good thing to work toward.

The obsession with the ipad etc? That's fairly normal for kids these days. But as a parent, I suggest that grades are still the green fee to getting more responsibility and "toys". When you're in a position to assert that, it would be difficult but welcomed.

Hang in there, Wet. There's more to do. smile


AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2556684 04/13/15 02:40 AM
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I think kids certainly need stability regardless which parent provides it. I wish my kids had their Dad during the really difficult times but he has been in la la land and even now thinks the kids need to reach out to him for direction. I had asked him to talk to S19 before we knew they were pregnant, to get a feel for what his plans were...college, tech school or what. He said sure if he brought it up. Lord, what a lack of help!

I will say this though, my son is like the best father I ever could have imagined. He is very hands on. Changes her and does everything he can for her. That little angel is going to be a daddy's girl and for good reason.

I am really proud of him and give him a ton of credit.

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
kat727 #2556976 04/14/15 01:06 AM
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I had lunch with d20 today. She is still raw after bf broke up with her, and we both love lobster, so it was Red Lobster time.

And yes, the checklist in my mind gave a blue ribbon for my time with kids this week - s13, I had him this weekend, played basketball and went to his 1st baseball practice yesterday - check. D17, I took her to the movies, and then I called to apologize to her yesterday for my being "Mr. know-it-all" (she had already forgotten) - check.

I watched Game of Thrones last night and was texting d19 in Boston the whole time. It is fun to have someone who understands when I say "Jon Snow is da' bomb!" - check. And today's lunch with d20 was a nice way to enjoy all of my kids in the last few days.

D20 told me that though her bf broke up with her, he is now trying to get back with her. They had been going out for 1 year, so it was serious, but she decided he is not worth the effort anymore where he doesn't trust her and he keeps making the same mistakes. I tried to let her know that boys/guys need help from the women in our lives to grow into men. More caring for others, and less self-centered. And that there are no perfect guys out there, so I wanted her to keep an open mind about her ex-bf.

And yes, she is part of a different generation. The night she changed her FB status to "single" she had 22 offers for a date from other guys. Yikes!

But then I decided to open up to d20 about a number of issues involved in our future:

- I told her mom and I are not getting back together;

- She told me that I am much healthier now, and that I feel like I am ready for another R, where I do not "need" another person in my life, but that I am ready to be appreciated and cared for by someone else, and to have someone to share my life with;

- D20 asked if I was going to be married to someone else. I told her "yes", that I enjoy being married to another person in my life, but that this will take time;

- D20 asked if I was going to have more kids, and I told her I cannot. She asked if the hypothetical future W would have other kids, and I told her let's not get ahead of ourselves;

- I told her mom was on welfare and food stamps, and she turned down a job offer a few months ago;

- I explained that s13 was probably going to live with me/us during the week starting in the summer;

- I don't know what our living plans will be (d20 lives with me), but that there may be a change coming soon. We may need to move;

- I also told d20 that I may be having another surgery to my spinal cord b/c of some things getting worse in my nervous system (I saw my neuro-surgeon this past Friday).

I threw a lot of information at d20, and she seemed a bit overwhelmed by the end of the lunch. Allow me to try and rationalize this to y'all out there, and why I did this - I come from an open family, who is very close and shares everything going in our lives. W's family is secretive and plays everything close to the vest. In fact, I recently learned W had her own bank account when we first got married, and she never told me. I prefer openness.

My kids have questions. So I do not want to have secrets in our family, and for my part I want to treat my d20 as an adult and keep her informed of all that is going on. I'll see if I dumped on her too much in the coming days.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Wet #2556997 04/14/15 02:30 AM
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I don't think being open is a problem. Just need to be sure to help her process the information. I'm an open person as well, although I didn't come from an open family. I've been mostly open and honest with the kids - to a degree and age appropriate respecting that it's their mother I'm talking about. It's their life as well.

Spinal cord? What's up?

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2557993 04/17/15 12:13 AM
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Quick question - s13 is playing 7th grade baseball. He is not on a travelling team, he just plays normal Babe Ruth baseball. So W has now mentioned 3 times to me that she has a male "friend" who played some level of professional baseball (he was not in the majors), and she has set up his training s13 with some private lessons. Ballplayer has also offered to buy s13 a new baseball bat ($100+).

W and I early on in our separation agreed to keep op away from our children until after our divorce (no divorce action is now pending). She broke this agreement almost immediately, and I called her on it. I have not heard of any reports of W bringing om around the children since. But I don't ask.

So my question is should I ask s13 if he even wants some baseball tips from W's "friend"? Having someone help s13 get better at baseball is a good thing, but not if it is going to cause him stress. Should I let it pass without comment, or raise a stink about this? I have no evidence ballplayer is anything more than W's "friend", but perhaps this is a good opportunity to have an open discussion (again) about exposing our kids to other people. Any thoughts?


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Wet #2558214 04/17/15 03:17 PM
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It's Friday, so here is a joke to help start your weekend off with a smile smile

Guess Who:

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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