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Wet #2547358 03/13/15 04:31 PM
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Wet

I wanted to ask you ... how do you like that Divorce Care class ... helpful?

Last year the W signed up for it .. I think she went twice before she realized its to help people more of the LBS variety ... not so much a MLC'r/WAS type ... I never asked her nor did she share but I seen the book and was curious.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2547412 03/13/15 06:13 PM
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Hi CaliGuy, yes, I find Divorce Care very helpful. For example last week's topic was on "Forgiveness", and though I had heard it before, I still picked up some new things this time around.

And having people there that you can talk to, and hear what they are going thru is also really helpful. It seems there is always someone worse off than me - last week a woman showed up who is married 21 years, 1 son, and her husband just told her that he wants a divorce and a sex change operation. Owwww, the pain she was in.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Wet #2547620 03/14/15 04:36 PM
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In some ways Wet, she'll find it easier that he wanted out AND a sex change. Often easier when there isn't another person, although just as painful. Just tends to not be for so long from what I've seen.

What were some of the nuggets you gleaned from the group and discussion? I'm curious smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2547883 03/15/15 04:10 PM
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Thanks AJ. I'll get my notes from Divorce Care and share those later.

First, I wanted to check in and let y'all know how I did on my goal setting:

Submit application to volunteer at my church - I think I met my goal here. I sent an email to the senior Pastor in charge of the caring ministries at our church. We recently lost 2 of the table leaders for Divorce Care (to marriage), and so I asked her to consider me to help here.

But the Pastor was on vacation, and will not be back until next week, but at least I put my willingness out there.

Exercise 2x at Exercise room, and an extended walk. Failed. I planned on going to the exercise room yesterday, but did not. But I have a good excuse? frown I bought my s13 a basketball and there is a court a short walk from the apartment. So I planned on spending some time with s13 playing hoops this weekend.

But then my foolishness kicked in. S13 has not turned in 8 of his homework assignments from the past 2 weeks. And he really wanted me to play with him "so he could teach me how to play 1-on-1". So I made my playing basketball with s13 contingent on his first finishing his homework.

Before I picked up s13 on Friday, I asked W to make sure he had all of school stuff so that we could get his homework caught up. It turns out that s13 did not do this - he left his school ipad at W's place, and this was what he needed for finishing most of his school work. So I was not able to go and play hoops with my son.

I hope I learned this lesson, that I am only hurting myself if I make my exercising based on what someone else does. Time to pick myself up and set me sights on the next week.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Wet #2547934 03/15/15 07:34 PM
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Oddly, I was just thinking about you earlier today, Wet. I was on my way to church and heard a song by Lonestar called No News. For whatever reason it reminded me to follow up with you.

Glad you got your application in. From what I can see above, you are batting .500 for goals. smile

I've found that exercise is a lot like diet - I may not have reached all my goals (cut back on fat, salt, fun stuff) today, but tomorrow I get another shot at it. If today I had 3 goals and I hit 2 of them (satisfactorily) then tomorrow I'll try for that 3 again. And me being the dummy that I am, I keep at something until I either have a bloody nose and pass out or until I achieve what I'm after.

You might be able to relate, no? smile


AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2547978 03/15/15 10:04 PM
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Hey AJ, the 'No News' video is hilarious. Thanks for thinking of me, and your encouragement.

So I had both s13 and d17 (who I rarely see/talk to) yesterday. D17 asked if she could download something for $10, and I told her "of course". Then she said that s13 always gets games and things from me, and so she expressed some jealousy over my r with her brother. It's nothing I can deal with right now.

We watched the funny movie 'Shallow Hal' with Jack Black and Gwyneth Paltrow. I was happy to see the kids enjoy a movie with a good message, that real beauty comes from inside a person. I told my kids that "I was lucky, your mom was beautiful on both the inside and outside." S13 scoffed.

Thanks Gerda for suggesting I read to my s13. I did a good job teaching my 3 daughters about the Bible thru Bible studies and lessons. But s13 has slipped thru the cracks. So I started reading the book of Daniel to him. It went well.

So I took the kids to a restaurant for dinner to celebrate 'Pi Day'. The kids couldn't agree on a pie flavor, so I texted W to be the tie-breaker (we would get the whole pie, and it would go back to W's with them.) W texted back "strawberry cheesecake", which the restaurant didn't carry. We had some playful back and forth on the fact that a cheesecake is not a pie, but it's cooked in the same tin as a pie, etc.

The waiter was a funny guy. And when I spilled my iced tea, I told him "s13 spilled my tea." S13 looked horrified at my lie. But the waiter played it up. This caused a few chuckles at our table.

But then after the meal I took both kids back to W's place. S13 to get his homework done (8 missing assignments in the last 2 weeks), and d17 b/c she can only sleep at W's place. W hoped both kids would sleep over at my place. D17 reported W was out at a bar last night with her friends from high school.

So I am discouraged I didn't get more time with my kids this weekend. And too much alone today has me thinking too much (the hamster wheel of my brain running at full speed.) I can't wait to get back to work tomorrow.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
AJM #2548008 03/16/15 12:59 AM
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Originally Posted By: AJM
...What were some of the nuggets you gleaned from the (Divorce Care) group and discussion? I'm curious smile AJ


AJ, Divorce Care is a nation-wide 13 week program to help those going thru separation or divorce. A person can start at any point of the program, and a number of us have continued going though we have gone to all of the sessions.

The "new" things I learned at the last Divorce Care on 'Forgiveness' were:

- the alternative to forgiveness is bitterness. And it is easy to choose bitterness b/c we feel we are entitled, we are justified to feel angry/hurt/bitter by what our ex has done. Self-pity is also very compelling;

- Forgiveness is a process. 3 stages they provided to help see if you are moving along the forgiveness line are:

1. I won't bring it up;
2. I won't gossip about it to others. Included in this is wishing bad karma/bad things to happen to your ex (he/she deserves to get an std, etc.)
3. I won't dwell on it anymore (kinda sounds like detaching, right?)

And finally, don't tell your ex that you forgive them. They may not feel they have done anything wrong, and then it only makes you look foolish/self-righteous. Wait for the right time on something like this. Otherwise, your actions should show your forgiveness.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Wet #2548063 03/16/15 12:16 PM
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Doing the whole divorce mess, I couldn't wait for the work week and it went by so quickly! The weekends just dragged by. I had the kids most of the time, as I do now. I needed to keep busy and not focus onmy pain. Now though, I am back to normal...I dread Mondays and long to relax on the weekends.

All comes back to how it should be.

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
kat727 #2548305 03/17/15 12:58 AM
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I took the same path as Kat. Kept so busy I couldn't see straight while I processed. It was therapeutic, but getting off that train has proven a challenge. At least gracefully smile

Quote:
It's nothing I can deal with right now
Um, when then? The thing is, time waits for nobody. Your kids are looking to you to see how to handle things. They obviously have their opinion about their mom. One that you may not have played into, but they have one nonetheless. My guess is its not favorable. Be on the lookout for some signs of bitterness from them. They'll need you to help them process it.

I was reading another news nugget that made me think of you, Wet. The story of Sir Paul McCartney's ex. She's a piece of work to say the least. It also reminded me of my pastor friend who's wife recently did the same thing claiming similar reasons. There were a few others that came to mind.

It made me think about the differences between the way the world thinks and the way a Christian should think. We live in the world, so it's not easy. There are those that think God has changed his mind about things. Or that the world isn't the same place. I smiled when I got to that place, Wet. Know why? Because it reminded me how small I really am. It reminded me that although I have every reason to be bitter and callous, I fought against that and feel like I am well on my way to not being that bitter person. I could easily be that. There's plenty of fodder for that cannon. Even all these years later.

What I struggled with is the old vs. the new ways. The old ways - stone the person that did that. Both of them. The new? Forgive them. I certainly couldn't cast that first stone, my friend. Not for the same reasons, but just the same.

Don't wait to deal with things, Wet. Don't wait to live your life. At least, don't wait for anything other than figuring it out. You are trying to change things. Keep trying. Some will work out and some won't, but keep trying. And don't wait to be a father and deal with things with your kids if you need to. The world will keep spinning and your family needs you to be that guide. I think you're doing that, but trying to encourage you to continue.

You are slowly becoming yourself again. Keep at it. It takes far longer than you'd like, I know. You are respecting her wishes to walk away and live her life the way she thinks she should. That's what you should do, amigo. There is no reason to be bitter although there are times to be angry (and measured) if the situation warrants it.

Don't wait, Wet. Keep doing what you're doing and keep an eye out for the times with the kids when you need to act or otherwise guide.

And keep in mind, it's not that good things will happen to you like there's a magical fairy repaying you for kindness. But you do it because that's who you are. Keep that in focus and you'll be more than OK in all aspects. wink

Don't get me wrong. I disagree with you waiting for your W. I do respect your choice but I think there's more to the reason than you sometimes admit. I suspect some of it is because you are not sure where or what to do otherwise. But I'm not walking in your shoes this time around. That's for you to decide how to do that and forgive her. And you'll do what you do in your time.

Food for thought.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2548615 03/18/15 12:18 AM
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Why didn’t anyone tell me the length of time MLC takes??!!

I’m joking, I’m joking. Allow me to vent and journal. First, my back-story – flashback one year ago, St. Patrick’s Day 2014. (Screen is filled with wavy lines, focus is lost…)

Last St. Paddy’s day, W called me at work to invite me to her place for a corned beef and cabbage meal. I said yes. Then she tells me she just broke up with the “special” man in her life. She was crying, I went right over and gave her a back massage. We talked a bit. Our dog was also put to sleep on this day. W called this "the worst day in her life" (I didn’t understand). This is the last time W asked me to ML with her. We did not (another story for another day).

Fade back to last night. I was getting ready for bed, thinking back to last year, perhaps a hope that we might ML. And just like a movie, at that moment my phone went off, W just texted me. She asked if I wanted to take s13 and d17 out for dinner today, on St. Paddy’s day. With a bit of disappointment, I asked her what she was thinking.

W now is watching her father one day a week. And since she would not be around, she thought I might enjoy taking the kids out for dinner. I agreed.

Now I have learned to NEVER get our kids involved in my marriage. I never ask the kids about their mother. It’s nothing I want for them to be involved in.

But d17 was chatty tonight. I mentioned I was glad to make sure that the kids had a good meal to eat tonight (we ate at a mostly fruit and vegetable buffet). D17 decided to share that most nights they make themselves dinner, as “mom is almost never home.”

Now I know that last spring and summer W was out most nights on dating site dates. During this time s13 was failing most of his classes, and I thought the two were connected. Now this year, s13 was doing much better in school, and I assumed it was my W being around, and more involved in his schoolwork. Now I see I was wrong, s13 is doing better all on his own.

D17 also shared that a few nights ago W got her 2000 red Jaguar back from the person repairing it. W was at the home of her close friend (who recently learned she had cancer with a poor prognosis, her husband did the repairs). D17 said that W came home “drunk”.

OK, to make a long story longer, I want to explain why I am disappointed. I thought/hoped W was making some progress away from her previous dating every night lifestyle to something where the kids were more important to her. I saw s13 was doing better in school, and thought W was home more and helping him more. I was wrong on this.

The drinking? This is all new. And we have friends whose mother died at the hands of a drunk driver. I don’t have evidence W drove home drunk, but it raises some questions in my mind. Dang, I wanted this to be getting better, but it seems to be just all staying the same.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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