Sorry to hear toots! I agree with Susana. You are allowed to feel down. Realizing this helped me greatly. Don't he too hard on yourself. Love yourself, you deserve it! You didn't have much contsct to H over the last few months did you? Does he know you don't want this and still love him? I don't want to encourage you to do or say anything. I'm just wondering. Love is the answer to most of my questions. But it starts with yourself, you have to respect and love yourself. And as the person everyone knows you here, that shouldn't be too hard
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
V and Susana - kitty is fine. She had a toenail that had grown too long, and she quietly sat on my knee whilst I trimmed it. She's a nice old girl. H and I decided it is best to leave her in situ for as long as possible. I hope that she may peacefully end her days there without us having to move her. We have lovely pet ladies who look after her when H is not around.
Complex - no H has no idea how I feel. We haven't discussed it in months. Although the last time we did (September?) he knew that I hoped we could work things out. Advice from the vets is not to say anything, so I won't. As far as he knows, I am happy in my new life here....which to an extent I am of course, and still working on that....
Wow - yesterday was tough! It makes me realise that I need to do some work on myself in terms of detachment. I realise that I have my signature line - strength, balance, grace - that feels important to me, but I haven't really posted what that means in practice. So I'm going to look at what I actually DO to 'live' these values:
Strength
My boundary (held very firmly) is that I won't live in an open R I won't be 'friends' with H whilst he is conducting an A I am DBing and only contact H on a minimal basis. I don't tell him how I feel. I act 'as if' I hold strong about the house and financials. We must properly settle finances before the house can be sold I am standing for our marriage. My feet are firmly planted in the sand and the waves wash around them.
Balance
I am keeping my finances balanced, although funds are limited right now I am running, doing yoga, aqua aerobics and eating well to keep my health in balance I meditate, journal, read and post on the forum to help balance my emotions I GAL to keep my life in balance and not obsess about marital troubles I try and take a 'balanced' view of the sitch - not seeing the worst or expecting the best
Grace
I don't bad-mouth H or OW. The worst ranting I do is on these boards I offer help and support to H when I think it may be needed. I mostly feel compassion towards him. I hold true to values that are important to me, despite current challenges I bear current challenges with dignity and with compassion towards others Sometimes, I light two tealights and I wish H (and myself) good luck on our journeys
I'm glad to be 'home' again after the traumas of yesterday. I can feel calm and normality returning, although it may take a little while. This morning, I am at the bookstore, and I'm having coffee with friends later. Hopefully it will be a nice day, and H can fade into the background for a while....
Last edited by Toots; 03/10/1507:28 AM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I love your ideas on strength balance and grace. Very elegant indeed Toots.
H being out of work is likely to affect A. It is a year 'in' now so some normalising should begin around now. The next big moment is when the house is sold.
Thank you for your help on my sitch.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Been out all day - bookstore then coffee with friends. All very nice and feel some normality returning. Since I am home and reading the forum, I'm mulling over the fact that H has been an OM for a year now. That astonishes me. Someone described OM as 'pond scum' and that's hard to read, because my H is an OM and presumably the partner of OW still doesn't know about the A. Now clearly my H is unhappy about this and is talking boundaries. But he's still there carrying on, asking her to break things off with her man. I just can't believe it. I lose respect for him knowing this.
Also, I read a post by Zues about 'addicts' that resonated with me. Some people complain that their WAS's don't feel consequences, but they are really stacking up for my H.
He lost me and our family life. He now looks after SS alone. Our rabbit is about to be re-homed. Our home is being dismantled and will be sold. The minimal financial settlement he had in mind doesn't cut it legally. He has lost good friends. His family are unhappy about the situation. His XW is unhappy about the impact on SS. SS will have to move and will lose friends.
In addition to all the above, he has lost his job. Presumably not linked to OW. But at what point does he stop and look at the wreckage his life has become? All because of an OW who doesn't 'love' him enough to break things off with her own partner...
It's complete madness.....has he lost his mind??? Just needed to get that out really...
Last edited by Toots; 03/10/1505:49 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Dont have any answers for your h or even what's going on in my sitch. But I will say
((((((Toots))))))
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
Cadet you make me smile. And I agree with you x10.
I have this image of Toots H looking under carpets, cupboards and waste paper bins looking for his mind, when all the time he casually lent it to OW and she misplaced it somewhere.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
