Alpha and WAW - part 2

[alpha99]

Well, something strange is going on. I have just attempted to call W three times over a 20 minute period as I would like to go and see the kids this evening. She didn't answer and phone went straight to voicemail. She is either on the phone (not uncommon), she has blocked my number (ridiculous but a possibility), or her phone is off (unlikely). I tried to call her father as he should be with her after just taking the kids back from school, but no answer there either. It's one thing to separate, it's completely another thing to deny me access to the kids. Again, she still hasn't replied to the text from this morning. It might be retaliation because I said I was busy yesterday and never saw the kids. But what does she want? I would love to see them every day but she is messing about now over access to them. As much as I hate the thought of doing it, should it continue I would be forced to go down the legal route. As I said, not being together is one thing, trying to claim total ownership and write me out of the kids' lives is another thing.

Finally, of course I might have gotten this wrong. She may just be on the phone or otherwise engaged. It does seem odd though. I will wait and see how this pans out before making any rash judgments.

[twinmom]

Ok, so a few things here....

PARENTING PLAN
PARENTING PLAN
PARENTING PLAN

Oh yea, get a parenting plan in place and stick to it!

[twinmom]

Just like you don't have to respond to your wife's text messages (think lost tooth incident) she doesn't have to jump to yours either. And you called 3x in a 20 min span? And there wasn't an emergency? I would be irritated about that.

A parenting plan would prevent this situation and you are not going to like this but again, you can't see the kids everyday.

[alpha99]

You're right. I haven't got a parenting plan in place. I have been detaching and so haven't been in regular contact with W. I haven't seen or spoken to her since Saturday afternoon when I returned the kids. I only mentioned briefly plans for the week ahead and when I could take the kids to school etc.

W just called me back. Turns out her phone had gone off (run out of battery). I am going to see the kids shortly. She wants a key cut tomorrow and has the intention to come and sort out which stuff she wants to take with her to her new place. I'm not liking the thought of that, seeing our possessions go sailing out the door.

when I'm seeing the kids, I will mentioned again what I texted this morning, how I want to have the kids at home for a few days each week - i.e. parenting plan. We will know where we stand then. I am also going to mention taking the kids out for tea on Thursday. This time I am going to invite W, but in a casual way like it doesn't matter if she comes or not...but the offer is there. She was just quite polite on the phone, and has offered to have my clothes ready for when I go up, and also have the money she owes me ready for tomorrow.

I just need to handle tomorrow well. I've got to think neighbourly. It's going to be difficult when she starts to (as she undoubtedly will) try and pick out all the best of our joint possessions. I will have to clean the house a little too. I have not really been living at home, just using the computer for work and taking a shower, sleeping in bed. I have some clothes laying around from after the gym so I don't want her getting the impression I am at home all the time. She is currently responsible for some of the bills in the house and if she gets a whiff that I might be living at home (I'm not) then she will suddenly change her tune.

It's funny how things moving further away from a resolution can also be quite encouraging. By that I mean once she is living alone she is no doubt going to find it difficult. She didn't use a wardrobe once in our 9 years of living together. How the hell is see going to cope with a house and two kids all on her own? Answer: badly. Her folks will only be 2 minutes away from her new place but they have a special needs son and so although they will be there most days for some time I would imagine, they won't be there all the time to mind the kids as it appears they are doing now all living under the same roof. I think after the initial feeling of liberation and excitement of having her own place there's going to be some long lonely nights ahead for her once the kids are in bed and her parents have gone home. She can't financially afford to go partying every night, nor childminding wise. So it's a case of getting on with it for her. I will of course not have to tread so carefully if I go to see the kids and her folks aren't there all the time. By that I mean I will still continue in the same vein as I have recently but that she will (I think) be more likely to be happy to see me as some relief from the kids. That's what I mean by things getting further away but I'm quite happy with how it's going. We seem to be getting on better, in a more business like manner. Some time together as a family on Thursday would be good. If it doesn't happen it's not the end of the world, I will still take the kids out all being well. Then once she's in some time alone together (no parents there) may bit by bit give her the opportunity to see the things I'm changing about myself.

Mental note: PARENTING PLAN!

[alpha99]

Well, things just suddenly got real. I need some advice here if anyone can help.

I just went to see the kids. Whilst there W says she is coming tomorrow to clear out the house and take what she wants with her. FIL is getting a van to move stuff. She wants to change the kids' school from the next school year in September.

She mentioned divorce for the first time in a few weeks. Said it's expensive, we can't stay married forever if we're not together. Doesn't want to do it right now but is putting it up in the air so that I don't get shocked by getting papers through the door etc.

Impossible to have a conversation without her parents stepping in. Even when we go outside they come out and make excuses to interrupt. They have a lawyer in the family who has given them advice, says that she is their guardian now cos she's looking after them. they want to be amicable and are urging W to do the same but their idea of amicable is that I do whatever they want, basically!

I feel like utter crap. I have been crying on and off for the last hour. I suppose I knew this was coming but it still didn't prepare me totally for it now that it's here.

I'm getting a key cut in the morning with W for our current house, and then she's coming with me back to ours to do the sorting.

I broke one of the rules: I asked about our relationship just before I left. So many things happened at once that I just couldn't stop myself from asking her about the future. I said I didn't want a divorce. I asked if there was ever any chance of us working things out. She said she doesn't think so because she can't trust me. She says she knows that sounds funny because she has had an affair but because I made recordings of her making lies up about me she is adamant I can't be trusted. I have since deleted all records I had on her.

I mentioned about having the children for a few nights a week. Wife just shut that down straight away. I said something along the lines of 'well, who are you to decide when I can see my kids. We are both their parents. What would stop me from just taking them now?

she called her parents and twisted everything I said. Luckily they listened to me and told her to calm down. I was calm throughout and never got angry once. We got to some sort of agreement, that I would have them but not at home because it would be 'getting done up' to be sold as soon as possible.

I think W is just seeing pound signs at the moment. At one point she was incredibly angry with me. She said I was evil and had an ulterior motive and was about to stab her in the back.

I feel sick. I had thought things were cooling down. I don't think giving her more space has had much affect. If anything it would appear that the distance between us has only strengthened her resolve to do things. I think she is being pushed along quite a bit by her family.

I feel lost and hopeless right now. I just want to curl up and sleep for a long, long time.

I miss her so much. I can see in her face that the woman I used to love has gone and has been replaced by someone else. My children were happy to see me but I felt so sick having to leave them.

Any ideas of how to handle tomorrow? There's no way of stopping the juggernaut now, she's coming and that's that. she will be taking stuff. Should I help and be nice and friendly or stand back and let her get on with it without helping? I'm thinking be as friendly as possible.

What's most upsetting is the quick chat over our future. Saying how she can't trust me, doesn't think we will ever sort things out. She's the one who had the affair. She has now downgraded that to a fling (yeah, over 6 months) and although recognises she has lied in having it she seems to truly believe that I am the one who can't be trusted.

This is the hardest thing I'v ever had to face in my life...and it's going on day after day after day. Worst case scenario at the moment is W gone, seeing children a few times a week, house being sold, and at the moment not much of a bright future to look forward to. Someone shoot me now and have it done with.

[alpha99]

Maybe I'm losing the plot but given events this evening I'm thinking of texting W with something along the lines of:

Just to be clear, I do not want to get a divorce. I understand you getting your own place, selling the house, how you feel right now etc. When we married we made a lifelong commitment to each other. I plan to honor that. I will help where I can with whatever choices you make but at sometime in the future I would like to work on our marriage.


What do you think of that? Is texting a bad idea? Is the content good or bad? Should I just take a long walk off a short cliff?

[Train]

Take a long walk. But not off a short pier. Don't send it. Take some time to breathe and re-center.

As for tomorrow, don't help her move her things. Let her begin to feel the consequences of her own choices.

[Train]

As for W saying she can't trust you? Rubbish. That's script.

[alpha99]

Thanks Train, that's good advice. I feel slightly better than I did an hour or so ago. I know tomorrow is going to be hard, maybe the hardest day of my life so far.

The way I feel right now I am struggling to see a happy way out of this. I don't sense anything from my wife other than a desire to move on. If you could see the anger in her face when I just suggested that I, as their father, would like to look after the kids for a few nights each week. She seems to have been empowered by her aunty lawyer and family telling her she is in control.

She said I one point that she won't stand for me rolling up and saying I will do this and that (I never did this for a second by the way) because from now on she will be deciding everything and calling all the shots.

At this very moment I bloody hate her for what she is doing. I feel my children slipping away and the precious moments of their childhood passing without me being there to witness them. It seems I have all the odds stacked against me. She did say she is alone, not seeing anyone, and has no plans to at the moment. Despite everything I do believe her on that front. Maybe I'm just being naive... If it is the case then I suppose there is hope for one day in the future. She did say, I don't think so, rather than a simple no, when asked if we one day might work things out.

Tomorrow evening I am at a friend's house to play poker. Wednesday I am at a language meet up (something new for me, I don't know anyone there). I am trying hard to GAL but this is so, so hard, unbelievably hard. I know a lot of people here are in the same boat, or even worse...I just never saw this coming. If we went back just one year then life seemed great. Now it's a bloody mess.

I'm going to bed soon because I will need to be up early to tidy the house a little before she turns up.

If anyone else has an opinion over this please feel free just to shout it out.

thank you all.

[alpha99]

This is saved as a draft ready to be sent via text:

Just to be clear from before, I would not like to get a divorce. I know we're separated, I understand you getting your own place, selling the house, how you feel right now etc but when we married we made a lifelong commitment to each other. I've got plenty of things wrong in my life but I plan to honor that. I will help where I can with whatever choices you make but at sometime in the future I would like for us if we could try to work on our marriage...if and whenever you are ready to.

I'm torn, send or no send.