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#2545510 03/07/15 07:18 PM
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alpha99 Offline OP
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OK guys, I guess the threads lock themselves after around 100 posts, right? Either way I'm no longer able to post in the old one so here is a brand new shiny thread continuing on from where I left off.

So today I took D5 to ballet. Afterwards I took S6 and D5 to the fair. We went on a few arcade games in the 'funland', played football in the park, went to McDonalds, walked around the shops, and had an all round good time. The kids loved it. The both fell asleep in the car on the way back.

First thread

Upon taking them back, my S rushed away from the car down the drive to knock on the door. We were about an hour later than I had said we would be. W opened door immediately and I could hear her asking S where had he been. As I got to the door she said, oh you've been to X then eh, because S just said so. Clearly she has been wondering where I have been with the kids all day as all I said was I was going to take them out. I hung around for a few minutes and then said goodbye to the kids. I spoke to W at the door about child care issues over the next few days as I'm suddenly a lot busier and have a few appointments etc and so won't be able to get the kids every day as has been the case this last week or two. That went fine, no disagreements. I know I've said it before but the rot has definitely stopped. So in that regard things are better than only a week or so ago by far. On the other hand, there seems to be more distance between us now than previously and although W seems curious about what I'm up to, she is not actively asking much really. I can see she is curious and little hints of that are coming out but there's no overwhelming sense that she wants to know what I'm up to all the time or that it's driving her crazy etc not knowing...at least not yet anyway. She did say the other day when I gave her a (uninvited) lift to the school that she didn't believe I was doing all these things because previously my friends never really did much and I only went out now and again, once in a blue moon, but suddenly I'm busy 3,4,5 times a week.

So, here's the funny thing. I won't bother dressing it up or anything. W's youtube account is still logged in on my mobile from a long time ago...and her emails. I noticed this today. She had used my phone in the past and somehow both are still logged in. I saw her Youtube history. In the last couple of days she has been listening to a lot of love songs, particularly Sam Smith (stay with me), Ed sheeran (thinking out loud), and 'Apoligise' by one republic. In recent months she has listened (quite unusually) to rap music a lot. Now she is listening to love songs, songs about longing etc. I don't know what to make of that. I can only guess as to whether she is listening to them simply because she likes the song and there's no other reason, she is listening and thinking of me, or she is listening and thinking of OM from her A. I of course would like the second option to be the case. She had said she didn't love OM, was only with him for sex, and that he had a pot belly and was a lot older. Of course she has lied a lot so who knows what the truth is. When I did use Whatsapp a few weeks back to contact OM she got really wound up that I had said some of the things she had told me (didn't love him, just sex etc) so go figure.

As far as emails go, she seems to have found somewhere else to rent. There was an email from a letting agent talking about paying fees etc and securing a place. I didn't bother reading through it all as I really don't want to snoop etc and I am trying to detach myself from every little thing that she does, but of course once I realised that both accounts were logged in it was inevitable that I was going to have a little peak.

So, now I'm wondering: Is W being nicer because she is moving on and less reliant on me than ever before, needing less contact, happy with her situation...or is she simply having time to reflect and although she is ploughing on ahead with the new place to rent (and also buying things to go in it), her heart is slowly softening. As I've written a few times the anger has definitely subsided. There has also been no talk for a few days of decorating and selling the house. If we have to go through her living somewhere else on her own for a few months (or longer) then I could live with that. She did say that she didn't want to be with anyone, just alone for a while. Once her A was exposed one of the things she did say was that she was confused. I was still in the pleading phase and so I was saying that she could work on things with me, all the usual stuff etc. At that time she said she didn't know, maybe she could in the future, but she would still have to rent her own place regardless, and if things did work out in the future I could move in with her. This was all said about 3 weeks or so ago now. In that time a lot has happened and she has retracted some of the earlier things she has said, although having said that a lot of what she said from last week was clearly said in anger and therefore I will take most of everything she has said with a pinch of salt.

Finally, I'm looking forward to my next DB coaching session on Tuesday. I will go over my journal and read some of the previous thread of mine to have it clear in mind what exactly has happened since the last session. I hope to get some good clear advice on what steps I can take, help identify with the use of someone else's perspective what has and hasn't been working, and focus on doing more of the things that have been working.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
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alpha99 Offline OP
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Right, it is early morning here - and I can't sleep. Sleeping hasn't been *such* an issue this last week or two, I haven't been having a lot but I had been snoozing through the night. However for the last few days I have only been having 2-3 hours sleep - if that.

I am going to be out most of the day today with friends playing golf. Unfortunately I probably won't get to see my children until Tuesday morning when I take them to school. FIL has been taking them on Mondays due to it being his day off work. I am sad over this. It's been six weeks now since BD and whilst I have gotten used to some of the changes in my life pretty quickly, I don't think I will ever come to terms with my children not being here with me when they wake up every day. The thought of that is heartbreaking and just typing this out has started to make me cry.

Thinking about this for a moment, W took the kids with her when she went to her M's because I wasn't handling the situation very well. In the last few weeks I have completely turned things around and I'm now in total control of myself (99.9% of the time). I think it is time to start saying that the children should be at home with me a bit more. I don't like the idea of my wife forever more dictating when I can see them, or if I only have the opportunity to see them for a short spell each day, take them out once a week. Granted, I was a mess the first few weeks and so it made sense for her to look after them. But as I am getting back to normal, and in some senses doing better than ever, then it is time to reclaim my children.

I will go about this in a nice way. I don't want to go down the solicitor route. I do get the feeling W will get angry with me and come out with a load of excuses as to why I shouldn't have them. That's too bad. They are my children too, she had an affair, she left the family home, she doesn't have custody over them and so there's no reason I can see why they shouldn't spend at least a few days a week in their own house with their father.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
A
alpha99 Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
I've just got back from golf. Had a great time, although my golf game.is awful. Thought about my sitch a few times whilst out but mostly just focused on having a good time. I do miss my W and kids terribly. At some moments it takes all I have to stop myself from calling and just saying I love you, can't we work this out? I know that's not the best thing to do so I don't, but I am finding some moments extremely hard to deal with.

For those people who have gone dark or have experience of this board, is there any sort of rough average before S begins to initiate contact. I know each situation is different but I was just wondering in general. I miss ny W and kids so much. I have been GAL etc but I still feel the pain of my situation. I know I maybe wants things to happen quicker than they will...I have my coaching session Tuesday...I hope Amanada can help give me some more personalised goals and assignments. Knowing W has rented somewhere else, or on the verge of, is depressing...Im tired and lonely right now...this is so hard.

Going to go right through DR over the next day or two. I want to interactions W without getting things wrong.

I cried alone to myself a few times this morning before I went out. Typing this is.making me well up now.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Alpha, looking for a rough average isn't going to help you know. Every sitch is different - but I would say this. If you expect nothing in the short to medium term and realise you need to live your own life, that will be the best plan.

My H has been involved with OW for over a year now, and we have been S for 8 months. He hardly initiates contact and I occasionally initiate it. In general, whilst A's don't tend to become successful M's, they don't fizzle out overnight either, and it is by far best to detach yourself from the situation..

Sounds good with the GALing :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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alpha99 Offline OP
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Thanks toot,

I'm struggling really badly today, crying a lot. I feel like things are getting worse, W renting a place, listening to love songs...my guess is she's thinking of OM. I feel so lost. I have lots of things planned to keep me busy but as busy as I am every spare second leads me back to thinking about W and kids. After doing so well all week I just feel so little hope right now and its hard to deal with. W not getting in touch only compounds this.

Last edited by alpha99; 03/08/15 05:58 PM.

BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Have you read the

you need to maintain some hope overall and faith that things will turn out okay in your life whichever way. However, for now, there is some brutal reality to be engaged with.

It just takes time too - time, patience, techniques + GAL + detach and so on. Better days and worse ones. The main thing I learned is to just accept there will be bad days and they will pass. And as time goes on, the bad days become fewer...

I think you're doing really well Alpha.

Last edited by Cristy; 03/09/15 09:51 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other books, authors, apps, websites and/or forums

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
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alpha99 Offline OP
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I just feel like posting some of the problems that we had in our marriage (mainly the ones that were my fault) here so that I may come back and reflect on them whenever I feel that urge to:

I had control over the finances. Left to herself my wife would spiral out of financial control quickly. I am (slightly) older, (far) more mature, and so looked after finances. Through good and bad financial times we never missed a bill, always had food, kids never went without, had numerous family holidays in the last few years. My problem? I was too miserly (or call it controlling) over every penny. To stop W from spending too much I would ask what she was buying and recommend how much she took out of the bank...on pretty much everything, nights out, make up, clothes. She has said how she resented how I tried to save money on everything. Whilst I don't see that as a bad thing per se, she clearly does. She wants to live 'more freely' with less consideration to finances. I proposed a new way of managing finances immediately post split but she was simply not listening. Should things ever work out then this is major thing to work on. I would be happy having a joint account (previously all wages got paid into my account/all bills came out - for convenience mainly but it was seen as me having full control) and after bill paying etc putting X amount into our own accounts for our own use. Again, this is only in the event that things one day worked out...I don't see that being any time soon.

Moaning - W sees that I moaned at her all the time. She is incredibly untidy and would leave things laying about everywhere. I would never tidy them up as I said I wasn't her cleaner. Whilst that is true, if things worked out one day I would have to be more willing to let some things go, not to complain about her untidiness, and to help out more with the household chores. I would complain she would use every dish in the house rather than wash one but at the same time I rarely did the dishes. Since W has left home I have been doing my own washing for the first time ever. Obviously these are things that need to change and stay that way.

Shouting/arguing/name calling - I thought out R was such that this was just how we were, but we would argue an awful lot over petty things, money, household chores, her untidiness etc. During those heated times I would say nasty things to her, call her silly names, put her down etc. I always loved her dearly and often apologised afterwards. She says this contributed to her A and our S because she feels (selective memory here?) that it was night and day, 24/7. It most definitely wasn't but that's how she perceives things. I am changing in that regard already in that I have been a lot calmer recently. I'm definitely not a hot headed person by nature, quite the opposite in fact, so this is really about changing the dynamic of our relationship going forward to that we don't do the same old dance. I have been implementing this change the last few weeks and feel so much better for it. Arguments have become increasingly more like water off a ducks back - I tend now not to get drawn into tit for tat kind of discussions where I would previously take the bait.

Fun times - When we first met and of course didn't have children, we did lots of fun things together as a couple, nights out, romantic holidays, lots of sitting around kissing, cuddling, talking about our day etc. Over time, and with children, this reduced to next to nothing. We would still go to the cinema, theatre now and then, but other fun things, the nights out in particular, just stopped dead. No bowling, no funfair, fewer Chinese meals out, all days out as a family centred around the children. Of course this would need to change. Our S has caused her parents to be far more involved with the children than ever before. My own parents have said they would now (or in the future should things work out) be far more willing to look after the children. We went on one brief weekend away two years ago and upon return my parents said the kids had been fantastic, we enjoyed looking after them, but never again. I have mentioned this to them recently and they have said they would help out far more if/when necessary so that more fun could be had as a couple by myself and W. That's a long way down the road (maybe never now, who knows?) but at least these things are in place should things come together so that we don't fall into the same trap.

Sex - W was not happy with our sex life. I kind of knew this but ignored it alot as at the time it was not a pleasant thing to think about. She would never mention it. I did try to do different things to please her but a lot of the time she would resist or flat out say no to the things I suggested. We wouldn't have sex very often in recent times, a lot of it due to the reasons mentioned above about lack of time together etc, but I had a sense she wasn't happy with things. She had said OM was very good in that regard (was she being honest her or just trying to hurt me, who knows?) I had suggested sex therapy to her (again, right on splitting up etc as these things moved into focus). Of course at that time she didn't listen but who knows in the future. It is something to bear in mind.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
A
alpha99 Offline OP
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Hi Toots, sorry I just noticed your message above. I will look into the. You did mention . I will look into that also today. Thanks for the help and suggestions.

Last edited by Cristy; 03/09/15 09:53 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other books, authors, websites, forums and/or apps

BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
A
alpha99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
W was taking the children to school today. I've been thinking about our childcare.arrangements and how I hate the fact it could be perceived that I'm not interested in looking after the children. I love them with all my heart and so I'm not happy at all at the situation we've gotten into where the kids stay with W st her parents' every night. I've not had them once over night in about 3-4 weeks now. I miss them. Therefore this morning I sent the following text:

Did the kids go into school OK this morning? As soon as we can I would like the kids to spend a couple of nights each week at home with me.

No reply as of yet. W clings to her phone 24/7 so clearly lack of response is because she won't be happy with the suggestion. I see her more concerned over state benefits gained from being main carer helping to aid the funding of her new place than a genuine desire to look after the children the best she can. I simply want to see them more because I love them and miss them.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
A
alpha99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
So I've been to the dentist. I am feeling good about myself today. I'm dressed smartly,got a few social things lined up, and I plan to take the children out for tea on Thursday. I also went to the gym earlier. I may go again later.

W has not replied to my earlier text. I think she'll be awkward but blame things on me. She still owes me money too, a few hundred pound...as well giving me some of my clothes back that she mistakenly took to her mother's house with her. If I can have the kids just 2-3 days a week I would be so much happier. More than anything I miss them and I know they're not getting looked after as well as they would be with me. Things seem to be far more laid back at her mother's place regarding the children. They were never allowed to go up and down our stairs alone for example, simply due to our steep stairs and their sometimes unsteady nature. Now I call briefly and see D5 jumping up and down on stairs unsupervised. It would seem only a matter of time til there's an accident. Of course that's the last thing I want but if I intervene I know what's going to happen...the angry bear will get released from its cage.

Having a better day today. Still cried a bit this morning, but when I have plans, people to see, places to go, things pass by quicker. I will see my children tomorrow. It's one of the longest periods of.time since their births that I haven't seen them. It is so hard to think they may do new things, win something at school, have s tooth fall out, pick up a new hobby, and that I won't be there all the time to see it.

Finally, I'm having a few bouts right now of missing W and kids.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
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