Anxiously waiting for it to fall apart

[dejavu2]

I awoke to peace in the house and this thought about my husband - for a man who claims to be very logical and have very few emotional-needs, he sure does create a lot of chaos around him thru stonewalling and lack of action in every area of his life. He's gone but with a lack of closure and unfinished business (paperwork and projects) that I must now complete. I will do the minimum to ensure decisions can get made and penalties are not enforced. I didn't nag or question his planning - it is time to let go. Looking forward to a future when I no longer carry the responsibility for his chaos as our lives will not be intertwined and there will be no penalties on me.

His inner self is in turmoil however I get to choose. Still wondering what healthy love actually looks like. Many of my emotionally healthy friends are able to see a clarity in my situation that I am only starting to recognise.
I'm going to continue to focus on my needs and healing as he needs to learn to meet his own needs. New workout plan starting Monday (adding in weights) and changes to my diet! Looking for a good read about learning to love/heal after childhood abuse - any suggestions?

[BrightFuture]

dejavu2, you appear to be in a good place, emotionally. I can see how you are tired of his indifference and his antics (according to your timeline, H’s been in MLC since 2012.) I admire your strength and courage to make a decision to move on with your life and let him take the full responsibility of his.

I love your plan for a healthier lifestyle. I don’t have a specific suggestion for the reading. Have you checked Louise Hay “You can heal your life”?

[Sotto]

Hi Dejavu, it sounds as though you are doing well - despite challenges in your sitch...good for you.


Best wishes to you x

[dejavu2]

Bright and Toots - thanks so much for checking in! Looking in to the reading ideas now.

My head is spinning, but guess that is going to happen quite a bit thru the process. Before H left, I once again held out the olive branch of reconciliation to which his response was dithering, uncertainty and "why don't you go ahead and file". So, I let the process continue with the divorce filing. Before I go on to each next step I have always checked with him that this what he wishes.

Today, he got correspondence from my L that he has failed to respond to 2 correspondences from them, therefore they are continuing with the process. He forwards note to me with comment that he couldn't believe I didn't tell him that it was coming.

I guess maybe it is hard to learn to be responsible for his actions and his inaction.

[job]

I'm sure your head is spinning. MLC is not a nice adventure in the game of life. You've shown such compassion and kindness towards your h throughout this difficult time and yet, he still doesn't get it and probably won't for many months, even years down the road.

I'm not at all surprised that he would write you a note that he didn't believe you didn't tell him. Unfortunately, they either don't "hear" what we are saying or they think we are threatening action unless they shape up. Your h is going to have to learn to be responsible for his actions. It will be interesting to see if he turns into an angry man because the divorce is going through. Some are really nice until the action begins and then turn into monsters. I do hope for your sake and the children's, he won't be one of those monsters.

You've done all you can and have made many attempts to save your marriage. Now, it's time to take care of you and your children, protect yourself no matter what.

Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself. Okay?

[dejavu2]

Thanks Job. (future projecting ...) I can envision that he may turn into a monster. He has been using stonewalling and procrastination as ways of controlling the relationship/me since 2012. The court system does not take to procrastination - it has deadlines which must be respected. He hates it when others have expectations/deadlines of him and seeks to rebel. He especially struggles with bureaucratic processes and rebels. Divorce is going to painful.

I am considering pushing forward with D as I have also seen signs that he is going to start spending soon. He recently purchased an expensive new rifle sight. I don't mind him spending money on hobbies which he is currently passionate about, but this was a purchase for a dream-lifestyle. He hasn't shot a rifle in over 11 years and all of his guns are locked up in storage in the US which he has no access to.... than I also found reference to a new rifle. He is building his "dream lifestyle" - next will come a new sports car (he use to have sports cars before house renovation in 2011 - has been a big issue for him to not have one).

Too bad he is focusing on the material things of his new lifestyle and not focusing on making himself better.

[job]

I'm sorry to read he's taking the MLC route, but they all try to make themselves feel better w/bright and shiny new toys. Once the shine has tarnished, they move on to the next toy. Hopefully, in time, he'll come to realize that all of those toys will not help him find that illusive happiness that he's seeking. I do hope that one day he'll realize that he had a good marriage and family. It's so unfortunate that they have to be destructive in getting to the other side.

Please take care of yourself. Do what you think is best for you and the children.

[HaWho]

Hi Dejavu,

Just want to say I admire all the patience and compassion you have shown, and continue to show to your H.

You seem to be in a good space emotionally. Love your healthier lifestyle plan.

[dejavu2]

Job and HaWho -- Thanks for your kind words. Always uplifting to see comments in the midst of this craziness.

MLC Dance!!!
Who is going to decide which dance we are going to perform?
Who is going to lead?

H has now been in the USA for about 3 weeks. He is keeping very busy with a consulting gig. I can tell he is loving working again and is getting great satisfaction from it therefore his self-esteem seems to be improving. Our conversations are very infrequent; however he is making an effort to speak with the kids daily (huge change from before Nov).

We have a history of revisiting solutions regarding issues within our relationship. We are back to revisiting the idea of the divorce. I am not certain why I thought the divorce process would be any different. The paperwork has been filed in the courts in the UK, which was the placeholder I was hoping to secure for now.

He keeps saying that "he wants it all to stop" and "doesn't know how to fix it". I am sure he is correct about both things. I sent him an email which reiterated what I said many times, including the fact that we need to take a look at the fact that a divorce may not solve our problems and it will create huge problems. I am not certain but something made him actually begin to hear the message and he said "it sounds like you don't want a divorce and you want to work on us". (ARGHHHHH --- I have been saying that since February). I was polite about it and just agreed.

Meanwhile, our son is staying with our friends in NH while H is working in NY. The friends know about the situation, the friend husband has decided to push the life issue with my husband and encouraged our family to go on vacation to a lake house in NH. My H has refused to go on a family holiday for the past 6 years -- not for any good reason, just to be stubborn. H has finally said the idea of a family vacation would be nice. I cautiously asked if he wanted it to be the 5 of us, to which he said yes.

He hasn't been clear about what he wants from the relationship or changes he is willing to make. He is only clear that he isn't certain he wants a divorce. So I am not leaping for joy thinking this is all behind us.

To test where his head is, I sent him a clear question about how to pay a credit card bill as it involves moving funds from country to country -- I have not got an acknowledgement nor suggestion in return. So, I gather he is still lost somewhere.

I made a big mistake and called him on Sat 4p his time (after 9p my time) as girls were heading off to camp the next day and communication is tricky. So, I called him and asked about his day to which he replied that he hadn't been up to much, but was heading out to a BBQ. I pointed out that the girls hadn't heard from him and the communications issue with camp. I didn't lecture, I just questioned him if he was going to speak to the girls. He became very frustrated, stressed and became a little boy who was powerless with his parent. It was interesting to see.
I have been trying to 180 on his communication/involvement with the kids. I had been trying to let him be the hero or villain to the children without my involvement. Sent him a note later saying I should not have gotten involved. Kicking myself for messing up that 180.

The big news is - I was finally able to get my wedding ring off! I had put on weight over the past 4 years as I was eating my rejection. I have been making diet/exercise a bigger priority and was thrilled when I realised I could finally get my ring off, although with a lot of force! I was worried about putting it on/getting it off again, so I have chosen to put it away for now as he isn't here to see it anyway. As it gets closer to seeing him again, I will evaluate whether I want the ring off or on. For now it just feels great to have the option be mine!

The house is now on the market and we have had a few viewings. It is such a disappointment to complete the project without having the fun of entertaining and enjoying the house. Nothing is going to happen quickly this summer (and I have no idea where I would move anyway) - so no rush. Trying to get a BBQ sorted with some friends this week.

[dejavu2]

found this nugget of wisdom from JOB on another posting - Guilt and shame play a huge role in MLC, as well as depression. He is very much aware that what he's doing isn't right and he doesn't want to be reminded of it. Keep in mind, he's about 16-18 yrs. old and doesn't want to talk to you (mom figure). In his mind, what he's doing is his own personal business and doesn't need to share it w/you or anyone else.

With husband now so far away, I feel like he has turned into a university student. Desperate for his independence (and lack of accountability), but still wants to plan breaks with his family.

It is weird to be living life without any plan. I am not certain when son is coming home or if we are going on family holiday to lake. Just trying to focus on the facts I do know which is school starts 2 September and the children will all be home with me.