Anxiously waiting for it to fall apart

[job]

To add to kml's suggestions about going away, I would also take photos of every room in the house so that you will have a nice photo record of what was there prior to your trip. You would be amazed at what these crisis people move from the home when you aren't around.

I do hope that you can relax and enjoy your time away.

[dejavu2]

There has been a 24" box sitting in my front hall since moved in to our renovated home in 2012. I have not known what do with the contents, so it has sat there. I started overlooking it, ignoring it, avoiding it. This week I finally addressed the box (which contained nothing significant - candles and candlesticks) and I knew immediately where to put them. So now the box has been emptied and removed. It feels so good to not have to look at that box any more!

This really did seem like a metaphor for what I am going thru emotionally.

I am now getting ready to go to the other side of the world for a week! I cannot wait for the adventure. My H gave up on adventures and vacations years ago. I have really missed the emotionally excitement of looking forward to a trip.

[dejavu2]

I am am actually on vacation but my head is spinning.

Finally spoke with H on day 5 of vacation. We have a ton of stuff going on as trying to get house ready for market, kids stuff, etc... He tells me he is leaving the morning after I return to go to US for interviews, his schedule is fluid but he should be home in about 2 weeks. I suggested he find someplace else to live when he returns, pointing out the small guest cottage on our property. He throws a fit and says maybe he wIll stay in the US. Why is he being stubborn about living in the main house? It feels like the kids and I cant start to heal. Do I have to wait for him to have a plan on his life before he moves out?! I feel like we are an emotional convienence for him. He is still insisting that he wants a divorce bc he is tired of the conflict and he isn't happy.

He has taken 5 of life's biggest stresses and decided to do them all at once -- lost job, finding new job, selling house, moving abroad and a divorce. He is very stressed and short tempered with me. Every conversation w have is a fight -- he feels like I am telling him what a failure he is (which I am not) -- I just need to sort plans and I am asking him for accountability.

What do you suggest?!

[job]

I would suggest that you continue on w/your life and do the things that you need to do to get the house reading for market and begin packing up things that you don't use. It's a good time to also get rid of things that you haven't used in about 3 years. Packing and tossing is a good way to alleviate the stressors in your life.

As for you h...I wouldn't say another word to him about where he's going to live upon his return. Things can change on a dime and right now, his focus is on the US. If he's throwing a tantrum, walk away, no more discussion. In his own way, he wants you to ask questions about the US so that he can shoot you down. He's like a teething baby and doesn't know what to do about the pain he's in. Leave him to it.

No, you don't have to wait until he has a plan and moves out. He's trying to be difficult right now...don't step into the trap. Leave him to it.

You have a couple of weeks before the 2 yr old returns. Enjoy some peace and quiet while he's gone.

[dejavu2]

Back from a memorable holiday! I am so glad I took my DD1 to see Hong Kong and spend quality time with some long time friends. H has refused to take me on holiday for the past 5 years. I really have missed getting in to another culture with the different sights, sounds and smells. I know my relationship is completely broke; but it was interesting spending several days around a couple who actually support each other and communicate. They have been together 20+ years and are a great really example of a healthy relationship.

DH decided he wanted to have a special family dinner when we got back. So, I arrived home at 7p to this enormous early-Easter feast (complete with lots of side dishes and lamb prepared 2 different ways) then by 4:30a he was off to the airport to leave for the US. I think this his way of displacing his guilt for leaving. He is leaving his plans for returning very open, however told the kids he would be back in 2 weeks.

I have been doing a lot of reading about narcissism and "passive aggression". After 20 years of being with him, I am finally smacked with the realisation that he is a Passive Aggressive workaholic - it is finally emotionally starting to fall in to place and explain all the craziness! For years I have been trying to earn his attention and trying to be who I thought he wanted. I had dismissed his lack of emotions due to him being an introvert. However, I now realise his mindset has nothing to do with me - I could never fulfill him. He has many passive aggressive tendencies and always has. He withholds of all his emotions - happiness, fear, love, anger, etc. He has no close friends; just work acquaintances as he is emotionally distant to everyone. His PA tendencies became exaggerated and emotionally unmanageable 3 years ago. I don't think he is going to come back. I may always want more from him emotionally than he is able to give as he is not capable of giving it to himself.

Although I am logically starting to understand all this.... I still awoke this AM with a slight disappointment/emptiness ... however, I need to remember I do "have it all" and he has nothing - I have a life time of love from 3 wonderful children who think I am very special. I am blessed with happiness around me. I have all the material goods I need and wonderful friends -- he just took a small suitcase and left to live a life on the road without attachments or commitments.

This week I went to the initial meeting with the mediator. H did his when I was gone. Interestingly, mediation is only an option as long as we are both willing to be in the same room. So H idea of "doing it over the phone" isn't going to work. I'll let him figure that one out. As his main goal is to get job and move back to the US asap, I really question how much time/energy he is going to have to be sorting out divorce details anyway whether thru a mediator or lawyers. Typically when he starts a new job, he puts in 60+ hrs a week, travels tons and has a company 100-day plan to get sorted. Seems like I may be in for a long drawn out divorce process which is typical of a PA.

I'm taking daughters to compete today. It is such a joy to watch them fulfill their dedication and commitment to a sport. I feel so proud that they are accomplishing their goals and making great memories.

[123Gwen]

Dejavu2 - So happy you had a wonderful holiday. Spending time away is food for the soul.

Our H's seems very similar so I can relate to your sitch. My H left for a job and OW but in less than a year has now quit that position and is taking another to live with OW. This job involves a lot of travel and that will probably help their R Because it will never be monotonous.

I used to think H was ambitious but now I think he just likes the high of new city, new job and new people. I also read about PA narcissism and H fits that description but maybe he is or was an introvert? For many years I was on a pedestal and so were our children but now we are off the radar.

I guess bottom line is that you are wise to understand things may be drawn out because you are not their focus.

The only advice I can give you is to be on your guard financially. Set up any protections you can as soon as you can. Once they leave and you are off the pedestal H may behave differently in that regard.

MLC is very real for this type of personality. My H never had close friends either. The one he does have has been ignored as well. He took very little and almost a year later he has not returned to see his children.

Isorry for the hijack. I hope your H gets to the U.S. and starts to understand that wherever you go there you are. Hopefully he'll look in the mirror and do the work towards R. Hang in there. You are doing great.

[job]

Welcome back! I'm glad that you and the children had a wonderful time in Hong Kong. It always does us a world of good to get away from the mlc madness for a while. It's funny how they will do things to smooth the way for them to either leave us or get us to "soften" up to their ideas. Well, he certainly pulled out all of the stops on the pre-Easter meal and then poof! Off he went. The dinner was to appease his guilt for what he was about to do, i.e., run away to the US. So, he's gone for about two weeks...he may or may not return in that time period, but the one single bag doesn't surprise me. They tend to leave w/just a few pieces of clothing and think that they have it all together. Time will tell as to whether he returns during that time period or not...but while he's gone, you will have some time to think about what you need to do to ensure that you and your children are financially set. Keep a close eye on the bills and be sure you speak to someone about the separation that is going to be coming your way because of his "need" to be back in the US.

I'm glad to see that you've read up on narcissism and passive aggression. I see that after reading up on these personality traits that things are starting to "click" for you. PA people will drive you insane because you never know what they are thinking and they do not tell you how they feel and yes, they aren't capable of being emotionally involved w/someone for fear of being hurt. PA is a "learned" behavior from childhood and it is very frustrating dealing w/someone who has this personality trait.

I do hope your daughters do well today. You have a lot to be proud of and that's not just being a mother, but being the wonderful person that you are.

Continue to keep the focus on you and your children.

[dejavu2]

Having a wonderful spring break with the kids and not missing H. It is nice to have some peace in the house. I have actually started eating like normal although my sleep is still a little screwed up from jet-leg.

H called yesterday to speak with the kids and brought me up-to-date with his interviews, although typically asked very little about my life. He commented that he is looking forward to coming home next week. My heart slightly sank as it is back to the emotional roller coaster. I was hoping to get an extra bedroom nicely sorted for him so he could have his space. However, I have no clue where his head is. I'm coming to the conclusion that if he is still on the path to a divorce than the extra bedroom is where he should be. I need my space away from his emotions and rejection. I'm considering getting a tv put in the main bedroom as I am not "allowed" to watch tv with him of an evening (he wants his space and gets very annoyed). His returning is like a dark cloud coming back. The hard part for me is I have no idea how long he is coming back for. It seems he is still viewing this as his "home base" until he ready to jump to another life.

We got a new closet room installed this week (a project which never got finished from the remodel). It is great to see projects done. D15 and I were putting my stuff into the closet and I mentioned doing H stuff. Her comment was "leave it for him to do, he's going to have to learn to do stuff on this own sometime". (wow)

I admit I have enabled his emotions. I have sorted his life. I have given him the direction and support he needed to be successful in his career. It will be interesting to see if he has it in himself to build a life and home on his own. Once he officially moves out, I predict there will quickly be an OW to play the role of secretary, housekeeper etc...

I am no longer certain about "waiting" for him as I have been waiting for 3 years and he shows no sign of emotionally coming back to the relationship. I can no longer look for little signs that he is interested in me, nor take his rejection. Waiting has killed my self-esteem and caused tremendous self-doubt. However, I am not comfortable with filing for divorce right now either (as I really would like us to R). I feel very torn so I will continue to focus on my goals and GAL.

[123Gwen]

Dejavu - I can totally relate to those feelings of losing self esteem during all the waiting.

Hang in there!

[dejavu2]

Spoke with H again, I have been careful not to mention our relationship, keeping talk focused on kids, facts and his job search process. I deviated and asked him if he was having a good time. He responded 'let's talk about it when I get home'. I don't think he is interested in sorting things out with me, as he still sounds very down & miserable. Not enjoying his time away, but I could be wrong. I was surprised that me even inquiring about his happiness was an emotional bridge too close for him.

I would love for him to find his happiness and personal passions again, but this is his journey. I'm no longer facilitating.

I do wonder if his MLC is coming thru in his interviews. I think once he gets his head together, he will get a job.