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dejavu2 Offline OP
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Matt - I am amazed that there really is such consistent behaviour amoungst the MLC. Thanks for sharing your experience with the kids.

H has been hugging the side of the bed since his started. I wish I would have realized what he was going thru back when it started. I am so glad I found this board as it does explain a lot of the craziness!

You are correct the kids are aware that dad has been grumpy since 2012. Although recently much less so as being unemployed has removed the external pressure of work. The kids also know that he is looking at moving back to the US at some point.

At this point there aren't really any other facts to tell the kids as everything else is still speculation. IC encouraged me to keep it factual with the kids.

I want to tell the kids the speculations for me - to force H to face the impact of His decisions. However, this isn't fair to the kids either.

So I will sit with his plans/ideas until they become more of a reality.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 564
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Dejavu2 - sorry you are here but glad you have found this board to help you. Yes your sitch sounds eerily similar to my life. Best thing I ever did was not to move away from friends who have become like family.

My husband also works in an industry that has taken a toll on him. The moves were thrilling at first but trying to find the next gratifying career move during these economic times has definitely contributed to the MLC. You said work was your H's mistress. That was our case as well and eventually when work slowed down the OW was waiting in the wings.

9 months post BD I can tell you that restraint is your friend. It has, by far, been the hardest lesson but the most helpful advice I can share. Also a helpful guiding principle is to make every decision from a place of peace. As time has passed I can see how this has helped immensely and allows some hope for our M.

Listen to Job and Cadet and people like Matt. They are wise and have such perspective. I can't thank them enough for their support. That being said the most important person to listen to in all this is the deepest part of you. Not the emotional, fearful Dejavu but the inner voice that can only be heard in the quietest of moments without the clatter of children and obligations. You need to search for that voice deep in your heart. Listen to it then restrain yourself before acting impulsively. If you can find that voice then you'll be okay.

One of the beautiful people here posted that DBusting is really about saving yourself. Just like they tell you in those airline safety videos -- put your oxygen mask on first before helping those around you.

Hang in there. You are doing just great. Hope your holiday is lovely. cool

Last edited by 123Gwen; 03/15/15 09:04 AM.

M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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dejavu2 Offline OP
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Having a weird day here as it is Mother's Day. H has gone out of his way to ensure I have gifts, flowers and a great meal. I'm not sure if this is just out of guilt or what. Loving all the attention! My kids are great.

Have watched my H get emotionally flooded by the kids with several minor situations this weekend. H really struggles when emotions are around. His instinct is to deflect blame and flee. This is not just a husband and wife moment. He gets this way with anyone who gives him too much emotion.

I cannot remember him always being this extreme. But his coping mechanisms are very low right now.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
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Happy Mother's Day! I'm glad he recognized the day and everything is going well. I wouldn't waste any time questioning whether the attention is from guilt or not...just accept that today he's there and doing something nice for you. Tomorrow may be different, but that's tomorrow. Live for today and enjoy the time w/your family.

MLCers' coping skills aren't good at all and that's why they have issues and a crisis. Sounds like your h's aren't very good right now. The crisis can bring out the "extreme" w/coping skills, and other disorders that may have been lying low pre-crisis.

Enjoy your day!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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dejavu2 Offline OP
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Told the kids last night with H. Probably did it all wrong. I did end up telling them that dad sees a divorce as his solution and I don't want it. H is furious that I "threw him under the bus". Son is heartbroken that dad wants to move so far away next month. H has no plans of how he is going to see the children once he leaves. H saying it is my fault that I won't follow him - he doesn't see it as a choice he is making (but can't win an argument with a MLC).
I feel guilty for pushing to tell the children when he hasn't really made specific plans. However delaying is one of his well-rehearsed places of comfort. Left to him he would tell them and then go the next day.
I have been waiting for him to emotionally come back to the family since 2012. I have been neither married nor divorced. I am tired of this limbo-land which he has found comfort in.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 564
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Don't be so hard on yourself. There is no good way to tell the children. H threw himself under the bus. I am farther down the road than you and I can honestly say that I have never regretted being honest with my children in an age appropriate manner as long as I didn't dwell on the tough stuff. What I mean by that is your children needs to know you will be honest but they also need to know you will be the adult and be their parent. They are counting on you to be the dependable adult parent and you must not let them down.

You can do this Dejavu. It is going to be your greatest challenge but have faith in yourself and listen to your inner voice.

One more thing --- I wish I could tell you that H moving far away will take you out of limbo land. It won't unfortunately. In many ways life is easier because you have the home, the friends, the family you created and people generally don't ask questions. It is a blessing but you still live in the land of in between no matter where they are and if you've even talked to them. Not being married is something you have to choose and I have no idea how you get to that place.

Sending you my prayers and best wishes. You can get through this and find your own path. Hang in there.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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There is no right time to tell the children that a spouse wants to separate/divorce and move out of the home. Your h actually threw himself under the bus when he decided on what HE wants for HIS future.

If he moves many miles away, so be it. It will be up to him to figure out how to work out visitation, etc., w/the children. He could do it via Skype, webcam, etc. and yes, there are weeks and months when the children are out of school that they could either be w/him or he could come to your area to visit w/them. Where there is a will, there is a way to do things.

As for him being out the area, this may be a good thing for peace and quiet and yes, it will help you find your footing once again. You can do this. You've been doing it since he flipped years ago.

BTW, do not feel guilty by telling the children. It is best to have this discussion w/both parents present. They needed to be told because you don't know when he's going to decide to fly the coop.

Take care of yourself. Keep the focus on you, your children and your finances.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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dejavu2 Offline OP
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123Gwen and Job - Thanks for the guiding words. With all the crazy, sometimes you need to know your doing something right. My inner voice tells me everything is going to be ok for me and children.

The kids are all doing better today. I wanted them to know before they broke up for Easter Break as they are off 4 weeks. They all went to the last day of school today and were able to have a routine with friends without any academic pressures. The older ones decided to go to friend's houses after school (I think they are trying to avoid sitch). Kids are all being very supportive of each other, I know I have done something right.

H is festering in anger over telling the children. I gave him the full opportunity to lead the discussion; however he wouldn't bring it up. Sitting with H today and feeling his anger, I really want to try to "fix" this situation but realise that I cannot as I have no control. He needs to learn to stand alone and figure out what is going to give him true happiness before we could work.

I reminded the children that H has been absent most of past 3 years and maybe that was a rehearsal for what is to come. When H was traveling so much I hated doing family things w/o him, so often would do individual things. I have realised that we ARE a family without H - We will survive.

Girls said they just want me to be happy. I told them I am going to be happy because I have a soul which sings (even if it is off key). Happiness/joy is one of core values. I want my kids to learn how to face adversity and rise above it!

Perhaps I am learning a few important life lessons thru this process as well.

I am leaving next week to take eldest on a holiday abroad to see friends. Anything I should prepare for in advance of leaving for a week?


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

Joined: Jan 2003
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kml Offline
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As for "throwing H under the bus" - what about WASs throwing the LBS "under the bus" by claiming it's a mutual decision to divorce? That just leaves the LBS as an equal target of the kids' anger - unfairly so. I think you can be politic about how you say it, but I think basically it is reasonable to be clear who is the party that wants the divorce and who is the party that doesn't.

Quote:
I want my kids to learn how to face adversity and rise above it!


Hear hear! The best thing you can do is model a good example of resilience for your kids. If you are devastated and depressed, they will be even more afraid of what is happening. If you can pull yourself together and demonstrate positive change and resilience, they will be more positive. My adult children (who were teens/early 20's when my H left) tell me now that they admire the way I picked up the pieces and went on. They're proud of their rockin' mom who learned to play the drums and now plays in a band!

AS for leaving for a week with your eldest - not to be paranoid, but I would first copy any and all important financial papers (tax returns etc.). Put your copies in a safe place. Put any personal valuables like jewelry in a safe place. Move half of any savings accounts to a separate bank account in your name. (You may want to get legal advice on this). Maybe take the other kids' passports with you if you have any fears of him abducting the kids.

Basically, protect yourself against any retaliatory action on the part of your H.

Then just stick to the high road. Tell him you understand he feels he needs this divorce and this move. Tell him you're not going to stand in the way, although you wish he would work to repair the marriage instead. Tell him you will not badmouth him to the kids and you will do what you can to help maintain his relationship with them.

And, dress up really HOT when you are going to the airport for this trip lolol. Let him wonder who you might meet while you're gone. They seem to think we'll always be there waiting for them as "Plan B", sometimes being hit with reality can wake them up.

Last edited by kml; 03/20/15 07:06 PM.
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Quote:
One more thing --- I wish I could tell you that H moving far away will take you out of limbo land. It won't unfortunately. In many ways life is easier because you have the home, the friends, the family you created and people generally don't ask questions. It is a blessing but you still live in the land of in between no matter where they are and if you've even talked to them. Not being married is something you have to choose and I have no idea how you get to that place.

I feel the same. Could not said it better. It’s been more than 2 ½ years for me. It seems like I’m moving from outside. But inside, I have this weird feeling that I’m still married.

Dejavu, I’m glad your kids are doing better. I agree with others that there is no right time and way to tell them about their father’s decision to leave.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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