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The old saying opposites attract is so true. My xh and I were exact opposites. He was the introvert and I was the extrovert, i.e., different as night and day. Extreme? Possibly. It worked well until he hit 40 and then things began to change due to the crisis. He never suggested doing anything, so...I was left w/the planning and yes, he would participate at times. I would not try to control and/or make him feel guilty if he didn't participate. We use to have some tradeoffs like he would do some things w/me and I would sit and read and/or watch TV w/him.

Your situation sounds a bit like mine was. You either have to accept them for who they are or move on w/your life. You can't change them. If you haven't figured it out yet, if you want this relationship to work, you'll need to go out and do the things that you love and if he doesn't want to participate, then leave him at home doing his own thing.

As for friends, my friends were his and the same applied to his relationship w/the ow (deceased wife)i.e, her friends were his. Now that she's passed on, I have been told that he doesn't associate w/them any longer and is pretty much a loner. The only time that he could make friends or initiate conversations w/strangers was if he had a bottle or glass of beer in his hand. I guess the alcohol gave him the courage to reach out of his comfort zone to "loosen up" and chatter. He had difficulty maintaining conversations and relationships w/people.

The crisis is definitely a chance to re-evaluate both of your lives. The bigger question is this...are you willing to be patient and allow him to heal and figure things out? The changes that you make, must be for you, i.e., not to win him back. You have to be happy w/those changes and they must become permanent.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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dejavu2 Offline OP
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Job - sounds like our men were very similar. It has worked well for 20 years because although introvert, he would try to engage with others. Since MLC started in 2012 he has gone further and further into his hole.

D15 is also an introvert. I am trying to help her with trusting others and not taking life too seriously. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert, however if you want to be accepted by other people, you have to be willing to put yourself out there. H really struggles with her because they both shut down on each other.

The notion that H has become a man-child is really fitting. It is like he is a teenager! I feel more like his emotional nurturer than his partner. He takes emotions/energy from me like a child however offers very little in return.

We had a very open conversation a couple of nights ago where he admitted this all started back in 2012 when we were renovating our main house and 5 of us were living in a 600sf small house. He had work pressures which led to him being replaced and we just put our cash savings into the renovation. (although we still had lots of money in investments/retirement). It was too much for his introvert needs. That is when he went down the rabbit hole.

He has had interest from several companies this week. It is amazing to hear him talk with clarity and articulation about business plans and strategies with including 100 day business goals; however he is unable to put any of this in to his personal life.

He is still talking about going back to the US some time in April; however still doesn't want to tell the children. I am trying to keep busy and hold on until he leaves. Unfortunately, once he leaves I don't see there will be any chance for R and I don't think he will be healed enough to want to R before he goes.

Still can't find any signs of any OW. I have always believed that his mistress was his work. He defines himself 100% by his job and how much money he has.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

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I think you misinterpreted what I posted, i.e., "Please stop expecting him to do things". I meant don't expect him to put out the trash, have sex, do the dishes, pick up the kids, all the normal chores that he would have done prior to crisis. You can't rely on him for anything because he'll say he will do it and then won't, or he'll conveniently forget about it or will do it half @ss, etc.

As for being his emotional porter sorting out his relationship w/his children and being his life secretary...oh h@ll no! He's a big boy and can figure out his taxes, immigration, driver's license and insurance paperwork. He fired you as a wife, lover and companion.

I wouldn't do it all for him...again he's a big boy and you are not his mother. When he asks if you did something, just say, "h, I didn't have time to do it or I've been busy and didn't get around to do it". Smile and walk away.

Time for this man child to grow up and learn to do things for himself.


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dejavu2 Offline OP
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Thanks for clarification. For past 3 years H has been working away from home 24 days a month...l gave up expectations a long time ago as he was never around. Although off work now and he could pitch in more, I still do 95% of it all. I am not keen on getting use to having him around, only to have him leave again. smile


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 100
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I found a list of things I wanted to accomplish between Jan-June.... It feels good to be on a path! H drags his feet and stonewalls when it comes to making plans in our personal life. It was his way of controlling me, without a plan I have to wait on him. It feels good to be able to put a plan in place - I know plans may change, but it is a start to moving down the road of life.

Btw on my 6 mos list -
- lose weight (down 15lbs..... Another 30 to go then I want to train for another half-marathon). I put on 25lbs since H began MLC crisis in 2012. The constant rejection really took a toll on me.

- take a holiday (leaving on 24th with eldest D)! So excited to be going, havent gone on a holiday in 5 years.

- start taking steps to get a job (signed up for a course)

- support H thru job search (I'm being polite, but realise this one isn't really important anymore as this is HIS journey)

- get the child sports schedule sorted as logistics, accommodations, qualifiers, training all take time to organise.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
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Your h sounds like he's passive-aggressive if he was dragging his feet and stonewalling your plans in your personal life. I'm glad to see that you are going to go ahead w/your plans for the next few months. They may change, but nothing is set in stone and those changes may be good ones for you and your family.

A holiday away will be good for you and I wouldn't worry about him while you are gone. He's a grown man and should be able to take care of himself. If not, he can eat at McD's or some other fast food joint. As for his laundry, he can do that too.

Once you get all of the schedules and logistical information sorted, give him a copy and then don't remind him again. He will have a copy and he can refer to it or else he will lose out.

It's very frustrating living w/someone in crisis, but to add passive-aggressive behavior to the mix is even more frustrating. I learned to just leave him right where he was if he wasn't ready to go or found excuses to drag his feet. He soon learned that I wasn't playing the game of reminding him it's time to go, etc. It took me many years to finally figure out why he would screw things up and yet, if he really wanted to do something like go to a ball game or go out drinking w/his buddies, he would do whatever he was suppose to do perfectly, but couldn't do it right another time when I would ask him to take care of the task. Passive-aggressive behavior at its finest.

Bottom line, take care of yourself and be there for your children. Your journey will be different than his. You will become more aware of your surroundings, learn to be more patient, become more compassionate and willing to help others that may cross your path and yes, even more independent. You will be come wiser than you ever imagined and when it's all said and done, you'll be able to look back and be able to see some of the red flags that were there all along, but because you were too close to the situation, you couldn't see them waving in the wind.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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dejavu2 Offline OP
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Really struggling tonight. H has got interest from a company 5,000 miles away(8 hr time diff). How can he expect to be a part of kids lives? (Note he is talking to some companies which would only be 5hr time zone diff). Divorce me - fine! But walking out on the children stinks! He is blaming me that I won't move to US so that kids can be near him. I refuse to take the kids away from the only life they know and their friends on the chance he will spend time with them when not too busy traveling with work. He found very little time over the past 3 yrs to spend with them as work is a huge identity point for him. He still doesn't want to tell the kids and I think they need time to process all this before he buggers off. S is going to be heartbroken as he idealises his father.

I have no clue how much of this is real for him as still acting like a family - not even moved out of bedroom.

I realise that he is in the selfish man-child phase but making decisions which take him out of his children's lives is just wrong.

i see the journey he needs to take to grow & own his emotions. Just so sad that he is running away from the kids too.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 100
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dejavu2 Offline OP
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Btw - I don't refuse to move back to USA, just won't do it in the chaos of a divorce and leave my support network. I am not that strong.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 100
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dejavu2 Offline OP
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Job - you have great insite! Yes very passive-aggressive.

He needs this journey as he has lost himself and often struggles with basic stuff around town or the house.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
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Hi dejavu,
My W refused to talk to the kids (14 and 17 at the time) about her plans to move (and take D's half the time!) until she had rented a house and was just days away from moving! She had been sleeping on the couch for almost a year and telling them it was because I "snored too loud", not because she (like every MLCer) couldn't stand being near me in bed. They all sleep as far on their side when still sleeping together. For my part, after telling her many times that we needed to talk to the girls and tell them what is happening, I decided I wasn't going to hide it or lie to them. When they asked questions I told them that their mother was going through a hard time and that she may be leaving. When the day came that she got the guts to finally talk to them (what she said was ridiculous when she actually did talk to them but that's a different subject) they weren't so shocked and handled much better.

IMO, and I don't know your sitch as well as you so you need to do what you think best, I would be honest with the kids. They have to see that dad is acting oddly. That the 2 of you aren't acting like H and W. When they ask questions just be honest. If your H decides he is definitely leaving but wants to wait to tell them, I would talk to them alone and give them a heads up.

They already know more than you or H think. They know that things aren't right. We always think they are much less aware than they really are. I think, when the time comes and you have that dreaded talk, they won't be as surprised as you think they will be.

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