Anxiously waiting for it to fall apart

[dejavu2]

Actually had a "normal" conversation with H yesterday.
After I found out about smom passing on Friday, I had text H to let him know plans, he said he would call me later. I was exhausted and told him, I was going to bed as it had been a long emotional day. He called on Saturday and actually was NORMAL. He started off with empathy, listened to my ramblings, offered support and gave me a ton of suggestions on logistics. (I had already worked out all my logistics, but could tell it was important to him to have his say so I just kept comments to myself). I sent him follow up text thanking him for support and the final funeral arrangements.
I really appreciated the virtual hug and know I may not get another one for a long time.

[dejavu2]

Why is communication so hard? H is speaking with the children almost daily - yeah! However is struggling to find a form of communication (email, text or call) that he feels he can do with me. I am not asking him emotional questions, most involve routine things. I treat emails/texts like business.

Examples - We are meeting up for a family vacation next week. I gave him a detailed schedule of all the travels and asked his plans. He finally responded, 'arrive sometime Friday night'.
He is talking in detail about vacation plans/activities with the kids, hasn't mentioned anything to me.
Won't address problems with our taxes.

I don't get it. Can't decide if he is doing this to wind me up or what. Stonewalling has been one of his go-to ways of controlling me.

He said he didn't want the kids in the middle and he wants to work with a mediator on the divorce rather than solicitors. However, his lack of communication seems to doing just the opposite.

[job]

Communication w/mlcers can be difficult because they really do not want to talk to us any more than they have too. It reminds them of what they've done and it makes them feel guilty.

Communicating w/the children is on a different scale. It's about what they are doing for the summer, etc. Conversations w/children don't require a lot of focus or demand that he provide "adult" responses to questions.

When communicating w/a MLCer, try to keep your emails short and to the point. Stick to one topic at a time. Do not send a lot of text/email messages because they will just sit in their in boxes. They don't want to be reminded of their pasts. I know you have questions, etc., but he's doing the typical stuff that MLCers do. Sometimes, we have to just do whatever we need to do if the MLCer doesn't respond and if they get angry, point out that you've sent emails and gotten no responses.

I'm so sorry he's acting like this.

[Sotto]

I was really interested to read that Job, and I can understand your frustration DejaVu - particularly when the contact is on a practical matter and needs an answer. If I'm getting a bit frustrated at a non-response from H, I have occasionally said - I'll do X, unless I hear from you by Y. That way, if he doesn't answer I already have a default position. I don't think that should be over-used, but it has occasionally been useful to me.

Job, at what point do you think the reluctance to be in contact changes?

[dejavu2]

Job and Sotto -- thanks for your input on the communication issue.

Sometimes I think I am going crazy when dealing with him because he takes his dysfunctions and wraps them up then insists they are rational and sane. Because I had been living in his midlife crazy vacuum, I had come to believe all the "realities" he tells. It is only by detaching, listening to people around me and watching for examples of loving/caring that I am learning that not everyone lives like this.

Today is a long day of travel enroute back to the funeral tomorrow. I am still struck by the irony of these two similar relationships in my life both changing at the same time. I believe "someone" has a bigger plan for my life.

Tonight I see H for the first time in 7 weeks. Landing at 8p, then I leave for midwest on 5a flight. I have no time/energy to deal with his issues - I have suggested he focus on the girls tonight. After the funeral, I am going to join my family and H in the NE for a few days with family friends.

A few weeks ago I took off my wedding ring. For many years it was stuck on my finger, as I have started to grow with confidence and lose weight I was finally able to get it off in July. It felt like a huge accomplishment. Now I am torn as whether to put it back on the for the trip or not.

[job]

Travel safely and try to enjoy the time you spend w/family later in the week.

[dejavu2]

sorry a bit long.....
I'm back from my whirlwind trip to the USA and kids are now back to school.

I returned to my Smom's funeral out of a sense of duty rather than grieving. It was a huge undertaking just to get there due to logistics -- I finally made it towards the end of the funeral, before luncheon. After an incredibly long journey I was completely surrounded by intense unconditional love from people I had not seen in 30 years. People who had known me from age 4-18. People who only offered love and support. It was the most amazing experience to have. At the cemetery, my family was together -- we had not all been together since 2002. That evening, 2 of my brothers/families and myself went out for a meal where we ended up sitting around for 3 hours and laughing. It was so wonderful to feel accepted, like I belong, like I am worthy of love.

The next day I drove my dad 4hrs to his retirement home enroute we stopped at a restaurant he took us to as little children. A great German restaurant - so fun to be able to take him back there. Then I spent 3 days with dad, helping him with details. It was great to spend the time with him. However, I noticed his lack of communication and "controlling" personality traits and wondered if this is why I have been tolerant of H behavour for so long. Dad will be ok, the kids have all been checking on him. At 84 he is learning to live life alone - who am I to moan about learning to do it at 47?

On Wed made the long journey (car, plane, plane, bus) to get to my family in NH. It was really odd to see H again and spend time with him/kids. He immediately said I could have the MBR and he would sleep downstairs. He has gained a considerable amount of weight in 7 weeks (up 1 size) which tells me he isn't living a balanced life -- he is focused on work. His work life is starting to click, however emotionally he still looks like such a lost, confused soul. This was made more obvious by the contrast of the unconditional love which I had been feeling.

We had 2 good days together with the kids and our friends. On the 3rd day, there were a couple of communication mix-ups (about plans/timings) unintentionally caused by our friends which really caused H to go back in to his rabbit hole. These were small things, but H made them in to big things. First, he did some major "throwing the toys out of the pram" over something small. Then, my family had clearly planned on having a family lobster dinner as such a treat in the NH area (H was aware of plan)! Friends & Husband cross-wired the plans. Kids and I decided I really wanted to keep with our original plans as was our only family dinner. We did end up having it but H was very, very grumpy and resentful - blamed me for mixup. Next morning started with apologies to the children and me - rest of the day went ok.

By the last day, he looked miserable. He said work was going stressful, nothing was going smoothly. I know it was also eating him up to have to say goodbye to the kids. His happy times on vacation were with friends H and spending time with our kids. The rest was extremely painful for him. He is also still struggling with trying to control everything. He was not able to just relax, have fun and enjoy the moment with me involved.

We spent 5 days together, not once did he mention the divorce or next steps. One of the things we need to decide is how we are going to divorce - mediation (with attorney advice), attorney-collaborative or court. I have decided not to force a decision on this for now as H's head is completely into the sale of a company which is set to complete in October (after which he will be out of a job again). I am hoping he will engage more in the process if I wait.

I am struck by how I am moving on. I no longer ache for his attention which is met with indifference. I no longer think he is going to be fixed any time soon. His soul is very broke - he is still living a life based on fear which is unhappy and confused. In his personal life, he is living like a victim. In regards to me, he is living in the negative past.

I want to move forward with a life based on love..... there is more to this but not time to explain today.....

[HaWho]

Hi Deja-your time with family sounds wonderful and much needed.

It's always interesting to see what one notices, both internally and externally when returning to one's family of origin after a long break.

Hope you are able to get some much deserved rest after so much travel.

[dejavu2]

H called the other night... first time he has initiated conversation with me in a whole - however he wanted something. First he was upset that he was having a hard time communicating with the kids due to technology and kids not being available. Then he wanted me to sort some money so that he could buy a car. It was very hard for him to speak with me in an open and honest way - all very odd.

I am sitting on my hands today to not get involved in his car purchase. He is terrible at bureaucratic things as always thinks things should be simple, which they never are. He is living/working in NJ, got a drivers license from NH and trying to purchase a car from a private seller in NC. It all sounds like a bit of a paperwork, bureaucratic process logistical nightmare. Any way, I am trying desperately not to get involved, but hate to see him make such complex decisions with such large amounts of money.

(continuing to sit on hands.......)

[job]

You are doing the right thing in sitting on your hands. He's got to make these mistakes in order to learn and grow up. You can't fix everything for him. I know it's difficult to watch him make mistakes...but it's time to sit back and allow your man/child to learn on his own.