Zelda - I want it all, all right now.

[susana4]

Z, that must have been so hard. Good for you for being so strong. I hope you stay in this feeling of peace.

[Zelda09]

Thanks. Peace hasn't left today.

I think it left my H. I know he called our MC. I shouldn't be checking the phone bill, his business is none of mine anymore.

He approached me with a check for his spending the other night. I thanked him and asked if he would have even mentioned it if I hadn't called him on it. He sulked, and said, "it doesn't matter now, does it?"

"Nope."

This was the way he wormed his way back into my heart last time we had a big blow up years ago, and I fell for it then, and we started talking. I think it was something like, of course it matters, H! And him playing with me (it's funny, I remember even knowing it at the time and going along with it), no why does it, basically statements designed to get me to protest and work my way into convincing both of us our relationship was bigger than whatever happened.

I went over to your thread, Susana. Loved Starsky quoting about how marriage itself is not unconditional. We spend a lot of time on this board accepting and removing critical behaviors, but sometimes there are in fact limits.

He told me he does not have plans yet to move out. Surprise.

Actually, here's a surprise - all of his PTSD/I can't drive stuff has miraculously disappeared and he is on his 2nd outing today. I'm happy for him.

But what is really bugging me is the utter lack of remorse. I know that's a conversation he wants to have, about us, or he wouldn't say that stuff and wander around looking like he was going to cry. But he'd rather wait for me to come to him looking to apologize and fix it. If past memory serves me correctly, we'd have to split hair for about two hours before he could admit to any fault. NOT this time.

I think I'm still in shock. It might not be peace. And I'm definitely in the wrong forum now.

I mean honestly. If he comes back from the MC call or appointment...and admits to everything he should have and falls all over himself apologizing...I'm left with a man that didn't have the moral compass to do that in the first place, immediately that night. Or the day after, or ever. I left with a guy who is an iceberg to himself and will never choose responsibility. And it would be the same abuse cycle, tactics changing and shifting, maybe long stretches, but still the same pins and needles feeling I've had for six years. It would be a relief to not be in a R feeling like I'm with someone who got dragged into it.

Sorry, meandering thread here. Thinking out loud.

[Vanilla]

Z

Now let him think and give him time to adjust. The offer is on the table still?

How are you feeling this evening?

V

[Zelda09]

V, you hit the nail on the head - idk if the offer is on the table, I think I may be an idiot to leave it there though.

Feeling numb.

[Vanilla]

Z

It is a huge thing to lay this out.

You have turned a corner in your life, hats off to you. This will influence how you feel about Z for the future. With , without him, many ghosts have gone.

It can feel unfamiliar but the new Z is on a better path.

V

[Zelda09]

Part of the problem here is I don't know my mind on this well enough:

I approached H before going out tonight. Said you'd have an update for me in your plans.

"well, I have a place for tomorrow night. I am not sure after that."

"So if you cannot find one, your plan is to come back here?"

"i'm going to do the best I can out there in that big world."

i'm sure you will, and I understand. But I am uncomfortable with the idea that you were going to come back in and out as you please send as you need to."

"you're sure not comfortable with a lot."

"no I definitely am not."

And I left.

So he is going to continue to roost/marinate? I don't think he has any intention of making this right but I just can't believe that he would continue this situation past this point if he doesn't. Someone hit me with a 2x4?

[Vanilla]

It is early days.

I understand it can take up to 4 days and for some as many as 7 days for reality to bite after an intervention.

Denial phase for H, I feel. Then anger but that quickly turns inwards if they are ashamed then down days of thinking. My VSO said a three week cycle, if they react quickly there has been little effect, they still feel in control and nothing will change. He is seeing MC that is good.

I have just gone pitch black on my H and will do so for two weeks if I can, then only business style stuff and then a little warmer. I made a similar offer on the abuse, if you want the change route H then there are resources, if not then I am not being abused, if you try it then I will get a restraint order.

I believe this can be one make or break for your H. There could be more or a series if you stand firm.

Personally I would be worried by an instant apology or sweet talk.

V

[Zelda09]

Thanks, V.

[Zelda09]

This is fun - h has gone to a family member to rent a room claiming things were going well, he just doesn't know what happened.

He was watching tv and giggling when I left.

What a chit.

[Zelda09]

H came home. I asked him when he was leaving today and he ignored me the first three times before saying, apparently not soon enough.

Then he asked me if it would be alright for our D if he just took his furniture and that was it. Perfect.

I asked him when he would like to sort through file cabinets and storage and he said it's your house, you don't want me here, you take care of it. I replied, it's not fair to put all that work on me. These were your decisions, your choices, your stuff, you need to take care of it.

He said something about me changing the subject when I said, 'no, you are correct, I have no desire to have you here when you do not wish to treat me well or be in this relationship."

What is going on here???
How can he possible act like the victim...oh. Wait.