I'm having a rough day. I just feel like he hates me. Without that anger defense in left with a ton of hurt and self-hatred. Why he can talk to an ex, and not me. Why I'm gone for two days for work and he doesn't miss me, but mentions arguing with me in his head. I feel far from loved. This morning in a disappointed outburst he threw our relationship up again - why are we here, why are we doing this? It's the 3rd time. We talked about this at counseling, that this is traumatic and not fair.
I'm just tired of this. I don't know why we're doing it. Not today.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Zelda, I'm so sorry. Hugs. Maybe it's a case of a few steps forward, one back. I don't know, I've never pieced, but it seems to me it could be.
Why I'm gone for two days for work and he doesn't miss me, but mentions arguing with me in his head. HOw do you know he doesn't miss you? Is this mind reading or did he say it?
I feel far from loved. Why do you think that is? Is he meeting your ENs? Maybe he's missing out on your LL. Does he know? Have you told him very specifically what you need?
What does your MC say about all of it?
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
He apologized yesterday for the threats about leaving me, just said it was not the kind of person he wanted to be. We are both still trying to process anger and resentment.
I get more reassurance he is here to stay and we are doing our best. Having people over today. I'm just so weary of the roller coaster. Is this normal during piecing?
I am encouraged that on the whole, we are having better communication.
All I want is stability. And for him to get out of the house and start doing the things that will bring him happiness, but I can't do much about that one.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
I get more reassurance he is here to stay and we are doing our best. Having people over today. I'm just so weary of the roller coaster. Is this normal during piecing?
In my experience, this was very normal. We started piecing at the end of July/beginning of August. It felt very precarious until mid October. H said a handful of times during those months that we wouldn't be able to get through because it was too hard. It was infuriating. Eventually things started clicking better and he stopped making those comments. It just takes a lot of patience and time.
It's great that you are seeing improvements in your communication. Keep your focus on the positive changes as much as you can. You've got this, Z!
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
Hi Z, I'm so glad communication is improving but I'm sorry you're still on the rollercoaster.
I don't know anything about piecing but I've been reading up on T0324's threads recently because someone mentioned them (they said some aspects of my sitch sounded like hers), and it sounded like a roller coaster in piecing to me. If you look at her last couple of threads they are the piecing ones.
Last edited by susana4; 03/15/1506:32 PM.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Things got violent last night. I just can't believe it.
When I got home, H hadn't picked up any of the platters or food we'd ordered and people were on the way. I just set my things down and headed out the door for the store. He mumbled something about how he was going to wait for one of our guests to get there to help him run the errand - earlier in the day, it was something he could commit to, driving down the street. Whatever. I got back home and there was a small group already there. We had a nice time, and drank a bunch of beer. But we were NOT drunk when people left. I got ready for bed, and asked him what was up with the food run? He got completely defensive started backpedaling, and I said ok, for future reference, it is not OK to assume that our guests are to help us set up for this stuff. And that's not what you told me. I didn't let it go.
He stood up and used the back of his arm to send several bowls flying in my direction. They shattered, went all over. He went into the bedroom. I followed him after a few minutes and told him he needed to clean up the mess. The entire time he was snarling at me and I kept repeating how there was salsa soaking into our floor and he needed to take care of that and all the broken pottery. He got a broom, I was standing in the kitchen, and he comes over and starts screaming at me to help. I was pretty calm, and said no. That was your mess, your violence, you clean it up. He ripped my phone out of my hands, and threw it on the floor so hard it popped out of the lifeproof case and the phone is now bent and shattered.
What is so weird is how calm I was. My H is about the size of an NBA player, and he was standing there just vibrating with rage, fists clench on either side of my head. He finally just turned around and walked out of the room. I packed a few things and left for my aunts without saying anything.
Later that night my mom said he texted her and said we'd gotten into a big fight, he didn't know where I was. She let him know. I haven't gotten an email or anything from him.
I just can't believe it. This doesn't seem like somehting that should be allowed to blow over. We crossed this bridge once several years ago when he threw a laundry basket my way. I explained the abusive household I grew up in, the bullying, the intimidation, and how it was a deal breaker for me. It was never a problem again.
What do I do? I don't even want to see him. I know how this is going to go. He's going to give me a load about his feelings, his needs, what I should have done differently. Fine, I was being a PITA about food, like who does this? Why did you try to make this my problem or anyone else's problem?
How big of a deal is this? I am thinking of leaving, having a nice calm conversation about going our separate ways.
1. H continues to be a tempermental child unable to 'handle' much of anything - whether it be stress, expectations, responsibility...I feel like I'm in yet another relationship where someone else's needs are bigger than mine and something I have to constantly step around.
2. God help me, but depression just looks like a label for his willful laziness.I think it is real to him, and truly a dilemma. I see him making small strides every day...but it's pretty hard to just accept.
3. He's provided for our retirement, but meanwhile shows no symptoms of wanting to work. Everything is on my shoulders. I am fearful it's all going to disappear and then we have nothing for his future medical costs either.
4. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. It doesn't feel good.
5. There's the kid thing. If I leave, I might as well give up on that, but I don't want to raise a family with someone that is this ill and unproductive.
6. I believe my H is a good man and wants to be a better man. I don't think he wants to be this person. I just don't know if I can hang in there while he continues to call me a miserable human being and other names and blames me for all of his feelings.
Help, what do I do? Can i just not do anything for a time?
If he apologizes and wants to see a counselor is it realistic to believe this won't happen again? I mean, he just agreed to stop threatening to leave me when he was upset. Now this. What is going on here?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
I find this line particularly frightening -- "My H is about the size of an NBA player, and he was standing there just vibrating with rage, fists clench on either side of my head. "
Sorry, I'm not entirely sure how to visualise this. Were his hands right next to your head like he was about to hit/punch you?
You need to protect yourself and keep yourself out of any dangerous situation, that's no 1 priority.
Depression, laziness (if he really is depressed I don't think it is willful laziness btw), even threatening to leave - one thing. Getting violent - that's completely another.
If you believe there's a chance of you getting hurt, you cannot go back there.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
