Zelda - I want it all, all right now.

[Zelda09]

Figured I'd put my core issue front and center as the title.

My previous threads are in newcomers, and I've been gently pointed in this direction.

H is depressed and in his words 'professionally recovering' from an accident 3yrs ago. Something in my soul rolls it's eyes and loses patience, but I have promised myself I'd find empathy and take this seriously, as valid. I struggle with this.

I struggle with a basic dynamic where he feels defensive and lesser than me, and suffering his defensive-angry attacks and pity parties. In the height of a fight earlier this week, he basically told me that he doesn't want to be here. He has always said things in the height of his emotion, ready at the drop of a hat to throw our R away. It's traumatic to me.

I struggle with a different set of values, an internal/external locus of control points of view. To him, everyone is a victim or product of their circumstances. To me, we all have choices.we are at odds all the time coming out of these philosophies.

I struggle with the feeling that I am stepping on eggshells. If I don't deliver on his rigid expectations of how communication should go, he's all over me like white on rice. I feel H uses his own feelings as a defense against mine. Recent example - brings up his feelings and thoughts of suicide if I express struggling with any hurt myself.

I struggle with what seems like a one sided dynamic where he's expressed that he needs care, help, he is the one that has a right to be struggling. I don't want to be put into a caretaker role for the rest of my life. I fear that he will never step up to the plate as an equal provider. Though he has our retirement taken care of, it doesn't translate to life right now.

I struggle with knowing I want a family. I am running out of time. Briefly I thought egg freezing, but after research, no...H is very hesitant.

I am struggling with my changes of course - digesting feelings, not throwing them at him; backing off of a point if the conversation gets tense; not judging him against my values; not criticizing; listening without my agenda lurking nearby

I am struggling to accept him. Developmentally, he is a teenage boy. Still looking for others to teach him about him, expects everyone to nurture and lift him up, still trying to define himself and figure out what he wants in his life. This self preoccupation and lack of boundaries with others is repulsive to me. A mutual friend described his behavior as Unfathomably needy. This is his journey and it makes me so nervous, the implications it all has on the life we'll have together. But he wants to grow and is seeing an IC.

I am struggling not to put all my energy and focus into fixing all of this.

We are struggling with trust, unable to see if we are seeing things as they are it with all past disappointments and resentfulness. We arouse the fight or flight response in each other constantly.

I struggle with hopelessness, feeling like none of this will change and I need to quit trying so hard.

I am struggling for the first time, ever...with thoughts of walking away, giving up. It just feels like too much sometimes.

Looking for practical advice on handling going forward.

[Vanilla]

Z and Gan

Posted some far scope on flooding on Gans thread.

dealing with the part that floods

V

[Heart14]

Z, thanks for the summary.

I struggle with a different set of values, an internal/external locus of control points of view. To him, everyone is a victim or product of their circumstances. To me, we all have choices.we are at odds all the time coming out of these philosophies.

Understanding and supporting our spouses is hard when we see the world so differently. When my H was depressed he had the exact same mentality as your H. It was infuriating, but ultimately I wasn't going to change that. He had to see things on his own. All I could do was validate how he felt. Not agree with it, just show I understood he had a different POV.

Have you considered setting a time limit for yourself? Maybe 6 months where you don't consider leaving . Then evaluate how you feel like at the end of the time period?

Every situation is different. I felt like piecing was/is harder than the crisis period. The first few months after H and I recommitted to our M were shaky. It did get better though. Patience and time will help.

[Vanilla]

Z

Lets just reframe this. Neither internal nor external locus is superior over the other. Both are limited in their own ways.

I have always been told that it is adaptability that is important, the ability to switch from one to the other to suit circumstances. The core of the serenity prayer

Lord, give me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change (external), the courage to change the things I can (interrnal), and the wisdom to know the difference.

I have never really understood why internal locus has been considered the more desirable!

internal and external locus

which is better?

V has a view that someone with a strong internal locus of control needs the opposite in a partner to balance it. In practice though why not be flexible Z and switch between the two? This is a question of belief which is mutable, it can be changed consciously by developing skills.

See this as an opportunity

V

[Zelda09]

Thank you all for the input.

I don't want to think about leaving. I know I should not see one if us as 'better' - how destructive.

Panicking. H admitted tonight he feared he may be mentally ill. We'd just come back from a MC session, things have been well enough. Topic was varied but in part about him learning to trust me to open up. Tonight he said many things about just wanting to be happy. I responded in empathy...and we got there.

Feeling stuck and fearful. Fearful there is something inside him that wants to be this way. He enjoyed all the attention he got after the accident, like thrived on it. I know he is struggling.

I suppose next you all will tell me there is no point in worrying about his choices and attitudes, I can't control any of it?

[Vanilla]

Yes Z

You did not cause it, cant control it and cant cure it.

V

[susana4]

Zelda -

(((Z)))

This all sounds very challenging. Hugs to you. Keep going, dear Z.

I am going to say something that may sound a little strange but I take it as a positive that your H said he fears he may be mentally ill. My thinking is, if he thought that he was acting completely normally and that his thought processes at hte moment (e.g. threatening suicide when you talk about your problems) was normal, I would be more worried. The fact he recognises he may have an issue - that's good. That's the first step.

I can't remember if you said before, but is H seeing an IC? Sounds like he has some individual issues he needs to work through.

[Zelda09]

This is a good point ^

He is seeing an IC and I meet with our MC independently sometimes myself. I like having these professionals in our life bc they keep us accountable and have been the voice of reason saying to each of us, you can't have all your changes right now - be patient and keep the focus on yourselves.

Things have been steady and improving. Not much to post about at the moment, so that is good.

[Vanilla]

Z

just let H deal with his dilemmas.

The professionals are key in dealing with this stuff, glad we live in the era we live in.

Sometimes the spaces are where the real thinking and personal development takes place.

Thank you for your help on my sitch Z

V

[susana4]

Z, how are things? So glad to hear it's been peaceful there.