It's hard to know where to start, ugh. H and I have been married for 23 years, I was a junior in high school when we met. We now have four beautiful kids and a family we both cherish. Like any couple, we have had our fair share of hurts and disappointments along the way and I posted here about 11 years ago after I'd betrayed our marriage vows in some pretty serious ways with online discussions/flirting with another man and at the same time I had been seeing a real person. I kissed this other person but it never went farther than that physically. He played in my brother's band so I saw him several times and spent time alone with him a few times. I was going out every weekend, leaving my H home with the kids, it was ugly. I told H about OM and the online relationship and hell ensued for the next 4 years. I stuck it out and he got past it enough to build a home together and have two more children. Since the big betrayal, there have been a few instances that my H also views as betrayals. Two times in a bar where he said I flirted with other men right in front of him. I did not mean to, that was not my intent, but I take responsibility. More recently, we went to my company party and I spent the entire last half of the evening talking to the President's brother about the buyout that was happening between his brother and the CEO. It was very loud, we talked very close, for way too long. It truly was all about business, but I humiliated my husband with my behavior. This guy had way too much to drink, as had I, and evidently he was touching me way too much. I truly don't recall that, which understandably upsets my H even more because how can he ever trust me if I don't even notice when another man puts his hands on me. Honestly I trusted the guy, I thought we were friends, I adore his wife (who had left earlier in the night) and in my head I thought my H was socializing with my coworker's husband and every time he came by to put his hand on my back I interpreted it as a supportive move from him and not a plea for me to stop talking to this guy. 2.5 hours passed, my H left me at the bar, it was a disaster. He is linking these instances together as repetitive behavior on my part and we are in a very bad and unhealthy place in our marriage. I truly love my H, we had a lot of problems in the past with controlling behaviors, alcoholism, pornography, etc. but for the most part H has made great strides in these areas and I've been reasonably happy. I did not mean to hurt him with my crappy and disrespectful behavior but I have. And I don't know if I can fix it if he truly believes that it is repetitive behavior on my part. These bulletin boards were VERY helpful to me when I posted before and I am hoping to find some support here to help me talk through this. I have really just scratched the surface but had to start somewhere.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
When I re-read this, I have difficulty believing that this is me, that this is my behavior. The interactions with OM, I take full responsibility for it, I do. The other behaviors were just so intentional, I am just so confused. I am not the person that his perspective creates....but these things did happen and his perspective is his reality....but it isn't mine. I don't know how to feel about the person I am.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction.
You mentioned that you don't know how to feel about the person that you are. Speaking with a Divorce Busting Coach will be enormously helpful to you in that regard. I know you don't want to leave any stone unturned and having a DB coach in your corner will give you the tools you need to move forward in a positive way.
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Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
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