Moved too fast? Now what?

[Bing]

Text from W after my boundary setting and backslide last night:

"Sorry for getting mad last night when you were trying to talk to me. I just feel like you are giving me very mixed signals. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings further than I already have."

I have not responded. I've found it's best I shut my trap as much as possible for now.

[sandi2]

Okay, well you need to know more before you just dive in, b/c you will mess it up. You get the idea of giving her a boundary.......and screwed it up b/c you would not wait until you learned more about it.

When you state a boundary to a wayward wife, you look her eyeball to eyeball when you say it. Not through email, text, or phone calls. You may not see it as being a weak approach, but it does not have the effectiveness like the face to face. Tone of voice (low pitch, steady and firm, but not threatening) and facial expression (strong and dead serious, no fear shown) and standing up while you say it (shows strong body language). It all works together when telling your W.

When you state your boundary, you don't turn around and ask her if she's going to keep doing what she's been doing. You don't ask her anything! You don't discuss anything else. You tell her what your boundary is, and turn and leave her with it. It is up to her to either respect it or pay it no attention. In most cases, the WW will test it. So you better be ready to back it up. What will be your action as a response to your boundary being crossed? What will you do if she makes no effort to end the A?

Talk is the cheapest thing she can get. You carry no weight in your attempts to "talk" and try to convince her of anything. Believe me, when I tell you it does not work on a WW.

The only thing she will pay heed to is your action.....or lack of action. Understand? You do not "warn" her or even "tell" what you plan to do. As you have seen, it only promotes further talk about the R.

I honestly feel you are "trying out" some tactics to get a desired reaction from her. I think you are hoping it will snap her out of this. It won't. Be carefu what you say. Say what you mean.....and mean what you say.

There are no tricks in DBing, just hard work.

[sandi2]

"Sorry for getting mad last night when you were trying to talk to me. I just feel like you are giving me very mixed signals. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings further than I already have."

Mixed signals? This is coming from a wife who want to be friends with her H while she cheats on him!

She's concerned about hurting your feelings over last night? Pffff........
What about hurting your feelings while she's with OM?

[Bing]

Thanks Sandi. Your feeling is right. I am testing out tactics and she knows it. No action and no conviction. And I'm not even doing the tactics correctly.

Step 1: I read DR cover to cover and learn everything i can. I've done enough damage talking and testing already. I NEED to hold it together.

Today has been better. Finally a productive day at work - I'd been spending the past two weeks at about 50% productivity moping and stressing (sometimes not even going in).

[Bing]

I found a good GAL technique. Tonight I went to a book store and read some DR. It helped me get out of the house, and as I've shown through my mistakes, it's very important I read the dang books already!

Work was good too as I mentioned earlier. I woke up this morning with a mantra of gratitude and serenity for being alive and afforded with all the opportunities i STILL have. No mopping today - I stayed strong most of the day too. Not all but most.

DR has been interesting so far. I am only 70 pages in, but lots of good information already to digest. I really liked the section about pushing the right vs. wrong buttons. There was a line in particular about any button that's different than the ones you've been pushing so far is the right button. And the cycle of action and reaction in relationships. It resonated with me. Especially in the wake of all the childish tactics I've been trying and my hopeless attempts at talking my wife out of it.

An OK day for me. An improvement for sure.

[Bing]

Just popping in to vent. WW gets mad I've been going out lately. This from the woman who went out shopping earlier and has been sitting on the couch for the past 5 hours watching Netflix and texting OM. I was on a 1 hour workout when these TMs came in:

"Next time you leave the house I need 24 hours advanced notice"

"I'm seriously sick of you leaving every night. It's so rude"

"Either move out. Or stay and help with the girls"

"You can't have it both ways"

The last one in particular really set me off for obvious reasons... Granted I was out pretty damn late last night GALing with friends. No reply from me and I do think setting up a schedule would be good for both of us.

[Bing]

Big day tomorrow meeting with a divorce mediator for a free consultation. I initiated this in a misguided attempt at boundary setting - WW continues affair and I will not be in an open marriage.

I'm not sure how to conduct myself at this meeting. I think from the advice I've gathered it's best I be authentic and genuine, but not controlling or mean. I also must be ready to lose my WW as I have no control over HER and can only worry about myself.

Hopefully I didn't set a trap for myself when I acted on emotion and set up the meeting.

Sound right to you guys?

[Bing]

Please help me process the latest situation.

Attended divorce mediation consultation with WW today.

My plan was to allow my WW to lead the consultation when possible. Thought this would help her feel validated and me gain some insight on where her heads at. In hindsight this probably came across as passive/lack of confidence, which is an area I need to 180.

It was cordial although hard for me given how businesslike my WW was about it all. She is definitely ready for the big D.

Afterward we parted ways without saying much. Then I get back to the office and she emails me:

"I really feel like we need to talk. Can you please call me as soon as possible. Thank you."

Then she called me. An hour after telling this mediator WE want 50% custody, she now thinks it's better if they spend more time with her. She picked up on one comment that the mediator made about 50% custody being sometimes more difficult for younger children in particular on our one year old.

I stood my ground on this and did not acquiesce because for the past month since BD we have only talked about being an agreement on 50% custody. It was like she expected me to give up my right to half the time with the children on a phone call after she blindsided me with her change of heart.

Then she started to bring up other things saying I leave the house every night and she's the one taking care of the kids now anyway. She said she was keeping track of when I left the house. This is a major exaggeration on her part. Although I am trying to get out more and GAL I have actually made it a point to get home earlier from work and certainly haven't abandoned anyone.

Finally I suggested we end the call and continue talking about this later after we both had time to digest the meeting. She said "well I guess we're going to court then," hung up on me, and sent the following email afterward:

"Have fun paying child support."

Someone please help me make sense of this and have a plan for what to do now. This is not the woman I married and she is wildly unpredictable day to day.

[Bing]

She kept saying you're being selfish and not thinking about what's best for the kids. I said I didn't chose to be in this situation and by getting a divorce were already choosing an option that's not best for the kids. She took offense and said I was blaming her and I can't deny that because I was. She put me on the defensive and I didn't handle it well.

[Bing]

I feel completely powerless. I want to tell her I am committed the the M. I want her to want the same. But then I remember she knows I want to work on it and has no interest in staying in the M at the moment.