Is it really to late? Who knows....

[lost18]

Hmmm...interesting perspective Mahhhty. You're right in a way. I'm not in limbo, my life is moving forward. My M however is in limbo.

n.noun
2. A condition of prolonged uncertainty or neglect.

I agree there are lots of positives but I feel I need to keep grounded in reality and not ignore the less positive things.

I was reading a book and one section talked about limiting beliefs. In brief beliefs that include "always or never" (My H will never find me attractive again). So, I am trying steps to eliminate any limiting beliefs I have.

I have also made some changes in an interaction with H. It is common for one of us to leave without saying anything to the other or go to bed without saying good night. (This is something that was quite common even prior to BD). So, now I make a point to at least say "see ya later" before I leave and "good night" when he's going to bed. Little things, common courtesy.

I also realized I am doing less stuff with D13 outside than I was when he first got home, maybe because the time change and it gets dark earlier, but she has asked and have said no to her a lot lately. I definitely need to work on that, guess the time change will be a good thing.

So, not so positive report. I had posted a picture (joke about paying taxes that we've been dealing with the past few days) on his facebook page with a comment that "we have that covered and thanks for always working hard." He removed it from his page and I of course freaked out a little jumping to all sorts of conclusions about "WHY." Talked to my sister and she said ask him so I did. He said he doesn't want anything on his page right now because of his workman's comp claim. So, I'm glad I said something, although I'm still questioning the reasoning I'm trying to just take him at his word.

I'm in a pretty good place overall even with the uncertainty of my M but I don't know how long my patience will last....I miss being touched and held and all the physical things that come with a M. Sigh...

[mahhhty]

I agree with your sister, I think instead of jumping to conclusions it is better to remain factual and grounded. With that in mind, have you ever asked him "What do you want from this marriage?" or perhaps "What do you think we can do to increase our happiness?"

Perhaps a vet would know a better generic question to ask. But something that is perhaps thought provoking without providing any pressure on him, and it seems like that kind of proactive question would be a 180 for you.

[lost18]

No M I haven't asked him anything along those lines. Not that I haven't thought about it but it does not fit in with DBing....pursuit, initiating R talks. Also, I am not ready to give up yet and I feel if I do put it out there I will get the reaffirmation that he wants a D. So there's that....

I have found myself getting too wrapped up in what he is doing the past few days. This past weekend D13 had another out of town tournament. I had made a hotel reservation but she got injured and couldn't play. I was way to concerned with "WHY" he was pushing for us to still go. Was it really because he felt she needed to "support her team" or was there an ulterior motive? I get upset with myself for spending too much time wrapped up in him....grr! At any rate, we did go and support the team Saturday but did not spend the night.

Again last night, I find myself all twisted because he was texting....2 texts is all I saw and I of course jump to conclusions because he "turned" away to text and I "assumed" he was "hiding" who he was texting.

So....still struggling with the detaching and the only thing it does is make me unhappy and stressed.

Something I'm really struggling with right now is my weight. I was at the DR today and as I've suspected due to the fit of my clothes I have gained weight. I'm really struggling with him (or anyone) ever finding me attractive again if this continues. My blood work is good so stress levels, thyroid and everything are normal. With that being said, I think it's time to quit talking and DO MORE. I think I will make that my #1 goal right now so I can start to feel better about my physical self.

[lost18]

H got some sad news today. An old army buddy of his was murdered in a murder/suicide. Very sad. I wasn't sure how recently they had been in touch but he said last time he spoke to him for about an hour or so, unfortunately he had been thinking about calling him since he's been home but hadn't yet.

It is so sad how often you see this type of stuff on the news. I never met him but it hits very close to home.

If you've been thinking about reaching out to someone there is no better time than the present!

[lost18]

It would be so much easier to detach if he were not living here. We get along well, talk and laugh together, attend D13's activities, watch movies or tv and even go out together (alone) sometimes. The other day when he found out his ARMY buddy died I was in the kitchen and he asked me to go out on the lanai so he could show me the news video and we talked about his friend. We discuss politics and people, the kids and family, we talk about his project and his medical (back) issues and everyday stuff.....

BUT, I've realized he doesn't really ask about me, he does show concern when I don't feel well or ask what I'm "teaching" when I work or if I'm running. But, Monday I had an Dr. appt, he looked at his watch because it was earlier than I normally leave and asked where I was going, I told him but he didn't ask anything about it when I got home. Tuesday he asked where I was going (Spring Break so no work) and I told him I was going to a class, he asked "photography?" When I got home he asked "so what did you learn how to focus?" sarcastically. I commented yesterday about having a rough run and he didn't say anything.

So, I guess the point of all of this is me just trying to figure out where I'm at and yes the dreaded "WHY" questions...why is he still here? What is his plan?

He had sent me a text yesterday asking me to pick something up for him on my way home, when I got the text I was almost home so didn't turn around. When I got home he asked if I would got to the store....like an idiot I agreed. I jokingly made the comment "I am sooo good to you!" He laughed and agreed. When I got home he was texting and when I walked outside by him he sat up and finished his text so I couldn't see his phone, and when it vibrated didn't pick it up. So, of course me and my undetached self was not happy, ASSuming he was texting OP, I popped my head out in the garage a few times (to see if he was texting). Again, more pointless questions. What is he getting out of a R that is only via texts and internet? Why would (OW) anybody stay involved with a man who they never see and is living with his wife? etc. etc.

Sometimes I do so well, and other times I feel like I might as well be crying following him around the house begging him to stay.

I'm still doing ok, not a wreck like I was a few weeks ago. Just frustrated with myself and this situation. I think I've also let my guard down a bit and although I need to relax and be myself I also need to be more aware of my actions and reactions. I've been doing things to GAL but feel like I'm a little lost when I'm home with no plans. I keep the house clean and have been doing some yard work but other times (in an attempt to stay off the computer) feel like I'm wasting time and need to find something to do. Time to get in touch with some friends and make some plans to do something too.

Ok, done with my rant now...will try to refocus!

[lost18]

Still flip flopping all over the place as to whether I want to continue down this path. I listened to a podcast on when to give up which always helps. This is extremely difficult emotionally. There are practical, fear based reasons why I want to continue trying to save my marriage, but there are also aspirational reasons that keep me going down this path (even though I don't feel like I'm doing a great job at the DB thing...ugh!)

So this week I've started eating better again (my current weight really was a wake up call of sorts!) Ran with my friend twice this week, have done some yard work a few days, tried a new recipe (it was ok but won't cook it again). Took D13 and friend to movie, they saw SpongeBob I saw Still Alice (pretty depressing). D13 and I went to a state park and walked the trail and I took some pictures for my photography class (oh, went to class too!) and today I met a friend for lunch and walked out on the pier and finally played softball tonight. Not a bad week of GAL!

It's such and interesting dynamic between us. Again, we get along well, he's "sharing" things with me. When I got home tonight (he was on his phone texting) but he started telling me that he has been drinking "a lot" the past few days (which I have noticed) and then we went out to the garage and he showed me all the parts for his jeep that he painted and was filling me on that project. I think it's positive that he is sharing things with me, just like the other day when he learned his friend had died. BUT...he was going to bed and he gave D13 a hug, she then told him to give me a hug and commented that we never hug, he said we do sometimes and went toward "his" room, I jokingly said "he doesn't like me" they both made a comment and he went to bed. I see that as a negative....sigh!

Keep on keeping on.

[lost18]

Wow, see myself heading on that downward spiral. Don't think I'll try to stop myself. I'm not going to do anything rash but definitely am going to stop being so friendly. I thought maybe it was working, now I think I was wrong. I feel like we are definitely back to some of that texting BS again, I of course can't be positive but I have a pretty good feeling. He's grilling dinner and I can see him standing at the grill, back to me texting. I went to bring him a plate and suddenly his phone disappears. I'm done with that. Don't get me wrong, I still don't want a D and I'm not quite ready financially to kick him out of the house, but all the other conversations and watching movies and what not I can't do right now. He obviously knows what he's doing is wrong or he wouldn't be hiding it. I'm tired of pretending to be a "whole" family when we obviously are not and putting my life on hold to wait and see if "he changes his mind." Not to take away what I have been doing for myself, I am a better, happier person overall, still a long way to go but getting there!

I really wish I could get some feedback from a vet...sigh

To end on a positive note I registered for a half marathon! It's not until November but I definitely need the time to train. I hope this will keep me focused and motivated to get back into shape!

[mahhhty]

You do need some vet feedback! We all do or we wouldn't be here.

Congratulations on the half marathon!

Have you thought about confronting him? Asking him what he wants from the marriage?

[RAI]

Hi Lost,

I am no vet, but I just wanted to reach out. I have not read about your whole sitch, but in the last few posts, there were some things that resonated with me.

You had mentioned concerns about your weight. If you really want to lose weight, then do it for yourself. Don't do it for your WH and don't worry about trying to impress your WH. I know we all want to impress our WSs, but as a LBS, projecting confidence and inner peace (regardless of your weight) will be much more attractive. To do this, you have to recognize that while you are a work in progress, you are already beautiful. I am balding. Compared to your weight issues, there is nothing I can do about my hair (no toupee, no way!!). Sometimes I will look in the mirror and frown, but then I think about my awesome strength (emotional resilience) and the hair issue doesn't bother me so much. I remind myself that some women find bald men MORE attractive. The same can be said about full-bodies women, BTW. So please cheer up and love yourself regardless of your appearance. Besides, compared to effort it takes to DB, shedding a few pounds should be a snap. The 1/2 marathon will help immensely.

I ran a 1/2 marathon a few months after BD and it was a great experience. I also registered for my local 1/2 marathon last week. We can cheer each other on. Maybell has a thread called "5k training". It has been dormant over the winter. think it is high time we revive it. If the half-marathon has a training program (an app or a some sort of gym membership) I highly recommend that you avail yourself of it.

The temptation to check on what your WH is doing/texting/etc... is very difficult to overcome. I know. It is hard when you are in such close proximity. However, every time I have pried or spied, I have regretted it. It did not make me feel better. It only augmented my desire to pry and spy. It is so very hard to detach. I know. I just wanted to let you know, that you are not alone in these feelings. *hugs*

RAI

[lost18]

"Have you thought about confronting him? Asking him what he wants from the marriage?"

Everyday! The reason I haven't is because I'm afraid nothing has changed and if I do that and get the same answer as in the past than I feel like it will be time for me to give up and I'm not quite ready for that yet. Sigh....

Thanks RAI for your post. I know you're right about doing it for me. Honestly, H has never really had a problem with my weight, I was probably at least this heavy in the past. His issue with my weight has been how it makes me feel and how insecure I was about my body. It's so funny, I want to say I like myself, and I do think I'm a good person, a good friend, funny, smart, outgoing, sensitive & strong, I like the inner me and I know that is way more important than the outer me BUT I want to like the outer me too! I said to my sister that no man (H or otherwise) will be attracted to me if I don't find myself attractive which really isn't about looks at all but confidence!

Good choice on the no toupee btw!!

So the last couple days I have been quiet around the house. Not that I haven't been talking to him, I have but not as much as I have been. Admittedly I was pretty upset Sunday. Monday morning I decided to go for a walk/run and when I got home he had cleaned up the kitchen and was watching TV. I really didn't pay much attention to him except to discuss D13's injury. I mopped around him then grabbed my book and went and laid by the pool to read and get some sun, when I got too hot I went in my room to read. It was my night to take D13 to practice and he actually asked what I had in mind for dinner (nothing) and if I wanted him to pick something (precooked) up from the store. He had the table set and dinner heating up when we got home!

So, I'm just going to try to keep to myself more without seeming angry or cold and see how that works for me. More importantly, I'm trying not to be angry or resentful which is not easy to do right now.