Setting Goals

[Elly4]

I'm going to IC as my H is not interested in going. She's helping me define ways to GAL, take care of my son, and stay sane.

Goals:
1) making sure I look my best everyday
2) losing weight, and going to the gym three times a week
3) Keeping a PMA instead of obsessing over everything
4) getting my resume ready to apply for a full time teaching job for the fall
5) being more budget minded with our money and actually paying the bills. In the past we split it that he paid them and I dealt with any problems that require verbal interaction. My H is extremely shy.

[Elly4]

Sometimes in the quiet, I feel like I'm ignoring the problem and I feel the anxiety just waiting to hit me. But I'm not ignoring it, I'm choosing to fix it by being a better self and not a harpy wife.

[Sotto]

Hi Eirinn, you're not ignoring the problem and you're making lots of progress. Part of the challenge is managing your anxieties at quieter times. I find going to bed the hardest time. In the mornings I get straight up and put coffee on - but turning the light out at night I find more tough. But the good news is that what our minds are doing is something we can influence.

Lots of people on this site seem to find the Headspace app helpful. I'm thinking of giving that one a try. People also advise just sitting with the anxiety - you talk of it 'hitting' you as though it is a violent thing, but if you just say hello to it and sit with it, it may feel less intense perhaps?

You're doing really well Eirinn - nice to see you getting 'out there' on other sitches too!

T :-)

[Elly4]

Thanks Toots! I'm just now learning that to get through this I need to talk and not burrow into myself! I like the idea of just sitting with it. I know a little about mindfulness and yet never gave it a thought with my current sitch. I'm also repeating a lot that I am not my situation, I'm just living through it.

[Elly4]

Went to a meeting tonight and wore earrings and a necklace for the first time in three years.

[Elly4]

I'm feeling very low today. Didn't sleep well last night as my son had several bad dreams. Managed about three hours. As I have IBS, lack of sleep makes me physically ill. So it's hard to have a PMA when I just want to crawl into bed, but I have my 3 year old to worry about. I know tomorrow will be better, but I have to keep reminding myself.

I think I'm also tired about trying to figure out if I should do/say anything about his NY trip on the 14th. I don't want to chase after him, but do I deserve to have more of an explanation? Running in circles when you're tired is no fun.

On the plus side, I woke up to my son cuddling me and saying "You're the best, mommy." Love that boy.

[Elly4]

Oh, oh, oh! On another plus side, (I have many sides ) I got a thank you from my H today for dealing with a tricky financial situation.

[susana4]

So, do you suspect he is having an A and going to NYC with an OW?

[Sotto]

Hi Eirinn

Sorry you didn't have the best night. It's tough being bone weary and with a little one. Hopefully you'll sleep like a log tonight.

I just wanted to say in respect of the NY trip. Have a think about what's your goal here. And is what you want to do going to bring you closer or further away ( as MWD says.)

Also, what would be a 180 for you in respect of the trip. It's often the things we are most bothered about that are worth experimenting with as 'raising concerns' may nor be the most effective approach in terms of your sitch.

Hope you have a good day x

[Elly4]

Susana, I would swear he's not, but it's hard not to suspect. He told me he's going with another person, which is odd phrasing and then told me that all he had to pay for was "HIS" hotel room. I know, I'm analyzing way too much. My IC said I should bring it up, but in DB I shouldn't as that is R talk. He has never cheated on me that I know of.

Toots, the hard thing is I don't know exactly what my 180 would be as he has never gone out by himself in the 23 years we've been together unless with me or work related. I did give him a heartfelt, "I hope you have fun." and dropped it at that to go play with my S. My gut tells me I should leave at that but then I tend to over think everything. Thus my 180 was a short, nice comment and then move on instead of dwelling. But of course I am dwelling on it, just not showing him.

Sorry, if I don't quite make sense. Still very tired. Hoping S is asleep soon so I can hit the sack.

Thanks again for this place everyone.