I have to admit that busting this divorce I'm now facing seems exceedingly unlikely. There's a long, sad story about how her affair began (D-day was last November) and continued to where we are now, but the shortest version is that she insisted the whole time that I accept her "need" to have the affair. Every time my W and I appeared to reach a low point and start coming together again, she'd remind me that not only did she have no intention of stopping the affair but that once I again felt secure and confident in her love for me, she would want to take her affair further. That is, she literally wanted to make him a "second husband" and was demanding my assent. She was only amenable to reconciliation because of the expectation that I would eventually allow her to "explore" her affair partner. So of course, every time she'd remind me of that, I'd fall apart again, we'd love each other less, force each other still further away, and sink lower still.
A couple weeks ago she finally decided to give up the pretense and commit herself to the OM. She said then that she definitely wants a divorce and will not change her mind.
Since then, my perception of the entire situation has changed. I realize now that she is (and has been) addicted to this affair. She has gradually sacrificed first my happiness, then our love, and our marriage, and the home she worked six years to afford and two years to find, while risking her job and her professional reputation along the way, because she can not stand the possibility of losing the "high" she gets from him. She fell in love with him, yes, but the reason she has insisted on not giving him up is a chemical dependency and has been from the start.
So at this point it's not difficult for me to 180 because I finally see that there's no point in trying to connect with her. And I understand that the 180 is for me to get my own life back (and it's starting to help in that regard). But I don't see how she can miss me at all, because she's utterly consumed by the addiction.
The moment she wakes up, she hops online and begins chatting with him. She chats with him all the way through her morning commute. She works in the same office as him, and will either see him or send him e-mails during the day. After work, she either hooks up with him to spend the entire evening together (until 10 or 11) or chats with him the whole commute home and then, upon returning home, fires up the computer and chats with him until she goes to bed (staying up late with him, besides). On Saturdays and Sundays, she leaves the house at 9am to go to him and doesn't come back until midnight. Just yesterday, she was texting him "I love you" messages during our marriage-counseling session.
At this point, it still hurts terribly to be so abandoned by my W, but like I said it's easier to do 180 because I see so clearly how useless it is to try to communicate or connect with her.
But has anyone else lived through this while practicing 180? I don't see how she can possibly miss my presence in her life if her every waking thought and moment is dedicated to him, and I don't see why she would think about reconnecting with me when all her emotional and social needs are being met by him. Add to this the fact that she even now-- even now!-- refuses to admit that what she is doing with him is an affair, so she will not recognize that what she is doing is "bad" or "wrong".
So: What are some likely outcomes for this story? Is this a hopeless case, or have others here recovered from worse?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry to hear that you're in this sitch, but you've come to the right place. Keep posting in small bursts until you're off moderation. Hopefully you'll hear from some of the vets on this board (full disclosure...I'm not one of them)
The only way you will survive this situation (and you will) is to accept that there is absolutely nothing you can do directly that will make her "snap out of it". In fact, any attempt on your part will likely make things worse. Read up on the Stockdale Paradox. Be very clear on your boundaries with her and stick to them.
An affair is an addiction. The parallels between an affair and drug addiction are very strong. She sees nothing right now but her affair partner and how he makes her feel. She is not in her right mind. You do not look good to her in any way, your history together is all bad, according to her. I am still shaking my head at some of the things my wife said when she was deep in her affair fog.
The 180s are part of it, but you must also detach and GAL (get a life). Make your life about you, not her. Get in shape, work on your career or business, pursue activities that make you happy. Connect or reconnect with friends. Be upbeat and positive around her. Show her that you'll be fine no matter what she does, because you will! If there are legitimate preexisting issues in your relationship (I'm betting there are), then own your role in those issues and work on them, with or without her.
Read up on what Cadet has posted. Those are extremely useful links to help get you pointed in the right direction.
I'm sure this is one of the most painful things you've ever experienced. Do not waste that pain! Use it as a catalyst to improve yourself. Humans don't learn very well when they're happy and comfortable. It's when everything falls apart that they find out what they're made of. I'm actually somewhat grateful for my WAW sitch, because out of it I've found new strength and focus. I'm a 10x better man now than I was 6 months ago, and you will be too.
Hopefully she'll wake up once her affair has run its course (most do) and realize what she's done. By that time the new and improved, strong, detached and GALed sadpand will be in a position to decide for himself whether she gets another chance or not. It's your life too.
Last edited by Rzrback; 03/05/1507:04 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I'm sure this is one of the most painful things you've ever experienced. Do not waste that pain! Use it as a catalyst to improve yourself. Humans don't learn very well when they're happy and comfortable. It's when everything falls apart that they find out what they're made of. I'm actually somewhat grateful for my WAW sitch, because out of it I've found new strength and focus. I'm a 10x better man now than I was 6 months ago, and you will be too.
^^This.
Don't give up all your hope things may work out, nothing is ever hopeless. It may seem like it is right now but you never know what the future will hold. There's a lot of wonderful advice on here that people can give you, you just have to be patient.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I'm so sorry to hear about your current sitch - but you are lucky to have found this site, and will get much needed advice, support and friendship on here.
That is excellent advice from Rzr, and you should read it, read it again, really think about it and mostly believe that you will get there - a painful step at a time granted - but get there you will.
Keep posting and asking questions my friend...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you for your thoughts. Yes, naturally there were existing concerns in our relationship. The most problematic issue has been that she has always felt I was "too controlling"-- that's a problem mainly because, as our MC has repeatedly pointed out, when there is a decision to be made, my upbringing taught me that everyone involved will assert their own preference, whereas her upbringing taught her that anyone who asserts their own preference is demanding their own way. So, for the past seven years, in all decisions large and small, I'd say what I wanted, expecting her to do the same, and instead of returning with her own she'd just roll over and accept mine. I of course assumed that she would eventually change because my behavior, of course, was "normal"...
It's terribly unfortunate, too, that as I look back over the years I see how poorly I prioritized her wants, needs, and interests, and how much I took her love for granted. I never hurt her, but I was just abysmal at showing her how much I treasured her. Although I acknowledge, recognize, and accept that her having an affair is not my fault, I see with painful clarity just how my behavior made an affair not only possible, not only inevitable, but irresistible to her.
It seems like every week since D-Day we've gotten further and further apart. Just when I think we must've hit rock bottom, somehow it gets even worse. I feel like I'm inviting disaster when I wonder "How can it possibly get any worse than it is now?" as we are living in the same place but barely even looking at each other on those few occasions when she is actually at home... because when she is at home she is online exchanging love messages with him.
The irony is that when she told me ILYBNILWY-- about a week ago-- she said that she wanted to make the decision "based on what's between you and me, and not because I have another guy waiting in the wings." But as long as the OM occupies her every waking moment, there is and can be nothing between us.
But I've got to GAL... I've got to get myself out there and keep busy. I can't control her. All I can help is myself.
T: 10 yrs M: 7 yrs Me: 43 Her: 31 EA discovered Nov '14 D demanded two weeks ago
It's terribly unfortunate, too, that as I look back over the years I see how poorly I prioritized her wants, needs, and interests, and how much I took her love for granted. I never hurt her, but I was just abysmal at showing her how much I treasured her. Although I acknowledge, recognize, and accept that her having an affair is not my fault, I see with painful clarity just how my behavior made an affair not only possible, not only inevitable, but irresistible to her.
I could have written that paragraph. These things don't occur in a vacuum. There's something missing in the relationship that sets the stage. In my sitch, I got wrapped up in my own issues and made her feel alone. I didn't realize how much we had grown apart and how lonely she really was. She may have not even realized it either until OM came along and filled those needs. But do remember she was the one who made the decision to have an A. Your W could have worked on your issues, like an adult, with you - TOGETHER - but instead she chose to invite another man into the mix.
Quote:
The irony is that when she told me ILYBNILWY-- about a week ago-- she said that she wanted to make the decision "based on what's between you and me, and not because I have another guy waiting in the wings." But as long as the OM occupies her every waking moment, there is and can be nothing between us.
One rule of DR is to not believe anything that they say. I'll bet the farm that her attachment to OM is driving this. When my W fell in love with OM, suddenly our entire life together, both decades, had been hell for her the entire time. I just found it interesting that in all our hellish marriage, it never dawned on her to leave me until OM showed up.
She rewrote history. Even though we had been mostly happy, or at least content, raised two wonderful children together, paid off all our debts, took wonderful vacations, and enjoyed many special moments, we suddenly were fundamentally incompatible with each other, according to her. Woven in among her legitimate complaints about me were totally goofy made up "issues". She used the fact that I read books more than she does as "proof" we weren't meant for each other. Your W will take any issue between you, no matter how small, as justification for her behavior.
At the height of her affair fog, she actually thought that OM would leave his wife, whisk her off to a state she's never even visited, and live happily ever after. The same woman who refused to live more than 90 miles away from her mother for our entire marriage was suddenly ready to uproot her entire life and move 800 miles away for this schmuck. He was her knight in shining armor, rescuing her from her miserable existence. The fact that he had cheated on his wife two other times, by his own admission, didn't phase her. Surely with her it would be different. She hasn't completely gotten him out of his head, but even now she shakes her head at some of the things she said back then.
Quote:
But I've got to GAL... I've got to get myself out there and keep busy. I can't control her. All I can help is myself.
Bingo.
T: 10 yrs M: 7 yrs Me: 43 Her: 31 EA discovered Nov '14 D demanded two weeks ago [/quote]
Last edited by Rzrback; 03/05/1510:41 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I can certainly identify with the rewriting there. In my case she went so far as to claim that I had been subjecting her to mental cruelty and abuse for the last seven years because of this decision-making difference.
I've been seeing too what you say about "every little thing". No fault is too slight not to criticize; no positive action too good not to tear down. (She insisted that my tendency to use her extra napkins when we were out at dinner demonstrated my irredeemable selfishness.)
