Gogofo - Learning to go dark

[gogofo]

Took the kids to dinner last night and then to WalMart to pick out bathroom decorations. It was fun. They decided on Batman, which is pretty awesome.

I had been a little nervous about showing them the house as in the last couple of days both of the kids have been saying that they don't want me to live in a different house. It is hard to hear and hurts a little bit, but each time it gets a little easier.

After buying the items we went to the house to decorate the bathroom and show then the house. They both were excited and happy to see things like the dinner table and their beds and funny things like "ahh! This lamp! I love this lamp!" Silly kids.

I had a quick flood of emotion and a quick sniffle and watery eyes. I was happy and a little sad at the same time. Sad that we don't have a family home anymore, but happy that I am in a good place and the kids will like it. They are a lot stronger than I think.

After the spew from the previous evening the STBXW and I had pleasant interactions. We have been dealing with people at the cell phone company to spin off my phone line into a separate contract and after 4 or 5 tries we finally got everything the way we needed. So no tension.

The plan now for me is to get the house ready for permanent living by this weekend. No more living together and the start of official co-parenting.

Today we have a parent teacher conference at 4:00 for our oldest, he is in Kindergarten. He is quite the thinker, so he does not listen very well or follow directions because he would rather talk about what you asked him to do or talk about how things might be done differently or better. Just like his dad.

One of my GAL activities I am doing is I am not getting any television service at my house, just internet. I hope it will inspire me to be more active and not just veg out and feel sorry for myself. It will also help with the kids and there TV consumption. They definitely like Sponge Bob and Teen Titans Go! With our moving situation unfortunately they have been sitting in front of the TV and electronics too much. We need to have some more Lego fun.

I have been telling myself that I need to stay active and moving around. If I want to watch TV I can do it while exercising or being creative etc. Don't want to be stagnant. I would much rather do something to the house or read or something I would consider to be productive.

[gogofo]

Yesterday went pretty good. Moved a couple more things to my house and am getting ready to clear everything out this weekend, do some grocery shopping, and move in.

STBXW and OM are texting really frequently and exchanging "love you". I saw a message from OM flash on her phone.

It set me off, not as bad as before, but it set me off. She could tell and asked if something was bothering me. I really wanted to unload on her and call her out and berate her and verbally attack her. I held all that in and said "Yes a lot of things are bothering me about this, I just don't know what I should or should not say." Not really a complete STFU, but I didn't get worse with my actions.

I went and watched the end of a basketball game with my friends for an hour and or so.

When I came back I was giving the W a pretty big cold shoulder. One word answers and the like. I am assuming it was the first time that I have gotten to true LRT or going dark. I say this because she was getting more into chatting me up and trying to talk to me. I just didn't feel like it.

I laid in bed thinking about how she is choosing to get a D and chase this OM who has a history of seeking out other women when married, etc. I heard a lot about him before, about how he may have been having an affair with another woman where my W and him work. I know it was an EA for sure. He is definitely good at what he does. Makes me sick and angry, but each time I confront the feelings it hurts less and less and lets me know more about how my STBXW is acting.

The part that hurts the most is the betrayal, dishonesty, and deceit. I don't know if it would be better if she was open and honest with it, but the secrecy about it and her lying to me is something that I thought she would never do. She even told me on numerous occasions that she would kill me and bury me in a pit if I ever cheated on her, and she was fairly serious about it. Wonder what she feels about herself... oh wait she justifies her actions.

I will be out of the house this weekend and will try to focus on building myself and my life up to higher levels. I need the head space and clarity of not being in the same house with her to detach and look at the situation without emotion and see her for who she is right now.

[gogofo]

Dumping this thread with a grim title for a new positive thread to reflect how I am feeling.

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