Hi Mighty, Wow, your XH's R with his father sounds much like my W's with her father! I know that what her father did to her and her family has EVERYTHING to do with her MLC.
For me it's been a wake up call to keep me on track with my D's. I realize the power parents in general and fathers in particular have in the lives of kids and I know how important it is for me to be there for them.
More proof that this MLC thing started WAY before we were ever in our S's lives. Like they say, we didn't break them and we can't fix them. Your xh could have chosen to make sure that what he went thru wasn't something that his kids would ever have to deal with. I thought that this was how my W felt (and said she did for 20 years). I think it takes real strength to over come that kind of abandonment from a parent. Our S's just didn't have that strength and instead chose to repeat their parental mistakes. Very sad. But it has NOTHING to do with us or how good (or not) we were to them or for them. Remember this Mighty. Nothing you did caused your xh to be the person he is and make the choices he has. In fact, the fact that your M lasted as long as it did and you have the great kids you do says that you were probably the best choice your xh could have made. In the end, he just couldn't escape the demons from his past the same as my W.
You got this Mighty. You and I both will break the cycle for our kids by being the best US that we can and showing them that we all have our own power in ourselves and NO ONE can stop us from being the best we can be. We alone choose the path our lives will take. I can't think of a better reason to not allow our sitch's to stop us!
It seems crazy, but sometimes the WAS seems compelled to re enact their childhood trauma. My ex left just when our kids were the same age he was when his mom left.
It seems crazy, but sometimes the WAS seems compelled to re enact their childhood trauma. My ex left just when our kids were the same age he was when his mom left.
My xh has married someone (not the original OW) who is very like his mother . . . . The original OW was like the crazy version. He never sorted it out when she was alive. From where I am sitting the dynamic of the relationship is much more like the one with his mother. Not at all like the relationship we had.
Does it surprise you to find that you may not know you? That you may have sacrificed part of you to be who you were? To make your relationship work? I'm not. That's how relationships work - you become entwined with one another. Sometimes it's very easy to find that you can't tell yourself from the other because you were so close. That's normal and how things should be in a healthy relationship.
I have to disagree to an extent with my friend AJ...which never happens.
I dont want to get all Oprahy on here. Cuz I aint that. But, having been in a relationship where I lost me, I feel like I had to say something.
I think someone should enhance your life, not define it. I think you should both accept who the other person is. I sacrificed part of who I was to make the relationship work and it was not a good thing. There are going to be things that you dont like about each other. There are going to be differences. That doesnt mean you have to change who you are, change your core, in order to keep a relationship.
As I said, I lost me. I didnt know who I was anymore because I was too busy trying to be who he wanted me to be.
Should you try to be flexible? Yea. Should you try to accomodate when you can? Sure. But sacrificing who you are or expecting them to do that? I dont agree.
I think you can have a close, rewarding, loving, accepting relationship by being true to who you are and by accepting who the other person is.
Sorry to hijack, Mighty.
And AJ, I hope you know by now how much I respect you and how very much I enjoy your posts and love what you have to say.
Wonka, I thought a little more about the "who I am" question. And, really, who I was before xh was a 17 year-old. I'm not that person, nor do I want to be. Having been with him for 20 years, since a teenager... well, we grew up together. He was my life. We came from NOTHING. We worked hand-in-hand for everything. Experienced everything together. We came from small towns with no worldly experiences or anything outside of that small-town mentality. So, really, everything we did for the first time, it was together. We were very intertwined. Yes, we brought our own things to the table, but we were so enmeshed, that our personalities bounced off each other. PB &J, salt & pepper, Batman and Robin... you know... like that. It's just hard being me without my partner.
I also don't think I am stuck in anger. I am really feeling it now... really... after all he has done to me. For a year and a half, I couldn't really access it. Couln't digest the reality of MY reality. I think I have a lot to be angry about. I think I have a right to be angry. I don't like it, nor do I want it to stay. I know it won't. But I am using it to help me see reality. It is helping me access things I need to really let go. It's been like two weeks of real anger. I don't know how that is stuck. I got some mad $hit to work through here. I hope it's gone soon. For real. But, I need it, I know, to work through some stuff. To get me past this stage of feeling paralyzed. Like a prisoner of circumstance.
I also don't see this whole audition thing... I don't get it. I know I cycle a lot. But I have had so much to process. My actions are not at all for his benefit. My actions are first, to try to find my footing. Trying to get some semblance of my surroundings. It is so f'ed up, what has happened to me. I am not saying that as a victim... It just is! And I am taking steps to become stronger for me and for my kids. I don't get the whole audition analogy. I don't dig it, either. I mean, if others see it that way, that's totally fine with me. I know my intentions and my struggles. I know that I am just trying to find my way. Who am I? Well, I think that will take time. I also think that accepting my past and my present will help me define that. I can't gloss over it. I think the first true step starts with acceptance. It is then that every step is stronger and with more determination. I'm getting there. I'm not in a rush. Well... I would LOVE if it went MUCH faster... but I don't want to screw it up. And to figure out me, I need to be authentic to me. I feel I have been a raw and real as I can be. That's my way of doing things. THIS is me. THIS is my present. THESE are my thoughts. My feelings. My sincerity. Me.
Hi, AJ! I learn so much from your posts and find them endearing and helpful. I'm getting there, my friend. Thank you for your guidance and support. It has given me incredible insight and reminders which I keep in my pocket for much needed moments.
Matt, thank you. Your encouragement means the world. I am so sorry you are enduring this painful mess, but I know I have a friend who understands. I haven't seen updates from you recently... I hope you are doing well. And you are right, No One will stop us!
Ellie & bea- xh used to say for 16 years as he looked as s18, "I don't know how anyone could do that. I would never do that to s18." He said it all the time. Now, he talks about his childhood... he has several times to s18 and when he met with my mom recently he talked about it a lot.
I do think that xh's r with hww is similar to his dad's w ow. Just in the way ow was with her kids vs fil's kids and hww w hers vs my kids. LOTS of similarities in how things went down. (ex: xh caught fil in the act, s18 caught xh on phone and saw text). Lots more, but you get the point.
Hi uR! I understand both pov between you and AJ, actually. Totally. I do think that to b in a r, you have a working partnership, and that you bring your own individuality to, which... as a partnership, is cherished and supported. That's part of it. I don't think I could ever have a r again in which I am as close to someone as xh and I were.
Just a quick update. Feeling sad this morning... but I had a burst of energy... a little shake it off moment... which I love. So, I kept track of the time and how many hours it takes me to shake it off. I know it seems weird, but it's almost like counting the lightening and thunder. I've never been through anything like this and I don't know what it's like or how long it will take for me. So, I guess I'm just trying to count the time to see if the storm is moving further away or something. It took 4 hours this morning to shake it off. And in and out here and there... but whatev.
Got a text yesterday from xh. A week after I asked him to fill out deed forms... he was attempting. He was frustrated. Said it was a "different language" (meaning confusing) and he was giving it back to me to do or have a lawyer do and he will sign. I was not happy. I was so upset. He costs me so much money and has screwed me in every way... but I'm not going to elaborate. But, I prayed on it. Let it go. Didn't respond. I am just waiting for him to give them to me. Haven't yet.
He texted d14 tonight and told her he had a stomach bug from eating breakfast pizza at work this morning. She said he can't be sick bc he's not home at uncle (bil)'s. No response to that. She had just walked home from a friend's down the street and had to pass bil house (and saw xh not there) See... they do pay attention. And I am sure xh will never tell them if he has actually moved back in.
But, I can honestly say that I am feeling more and more distance, which is good. I'm not concerned much about his sitch. I have my moments where things bother me... feeling betrayed, violated, all that good stuff... but I am coming to grips with things. Seeing things more clearly. Anger is helping me. I dont feel it as strongly, but I get sensations. And I know there will be many, many more moments.
A guy friend was telling me today I need to date and was trying to tell me to get on a website. That is really weird for me. Not that it's a weird thing, but I just never thought I would be in that sitch. I dont want to do that. I do miss having someone, but I know I need time. And the thought of going out there is exhausting to me. It no longer freaks me out or repulses me (I hated the thought of anyone but my h). I know I'm not in a rush, nor am I ready, but I guess someday... maybe. It just seems like so much work! Isn't that terrible! What do I know... I've never been on a friggin date! Oh, I sound so corny. Icky me.
No, you're not ready to date yet. But let me just tell you...it was hard for me to picture being with another man after 26 years with my ex. But I quickly found myself with some delightful men who were sexy, wise, and comforting. It took me a few years to find the guy I'm with now, but ALL the men I dated before stay in touch and make it clear that I have a special place in their hearts. (They were all unavailable for one reason or another....an unconscious choice on my part, I'm sure...but I don't regret any of them.)
Mighty, you are right where you are supposed to be. There is not right or wrong way to go through this...there is only your way.
The process isnt the same for anyone.Sometimes it will be in tiny baby steps. Sometimes it will be too steps backwards and one forward. Some days will be great, some horrible. All part of it..the important thing is that there is forward motion.
I couldnt get this for a long time. I was stuck. I was confused. I was stubborn. I fought against it all. Until one day the fear of staying the way I was..was greater than the fear of moving forward.
So, yea, you are going to cycle through all the emotions..in, out, back and around again. The trick is to not live in any one for a longer period than necessary. They all serve a purpose.
You are amazing in how raw you are here. Your thoughts and feelings put right out there. That takes such courage.
So, use that anger..get mad, M. Get so angry that you say to yourself, F him...he doesnt get one thing more from me. Not one freakin thing. That's when you let it wash over you. That's when you say, ok, today is the day that I stand for me. Today is the day that he has no more power over me.
You are getting there. I can see it. I cant wait to see where you land.
I wanted to be sure that you understood what I was saying. I am not saying that we shouldnt be close to our significant others. I am not saying we shouldnt share who we are, share our lives and our heart or that we shouldnt become emeshed. Not at all. I am saying that we shouldnt lose us in order to do that. We shouldnt forget that we matter. We shouldnt have to become someone we arent in order to have that.
We run the risk of getting lost. We run the risk of putting the relationship or the other person before ourselves. That isnt good for anyone. Its a terrible burden to put on the other person. It's a terrible loss to put on us.
You neednt worry about dating now, sweetie. Finish your stuff before you think of that. That's important because you matter. Grow you back. Find you. Figure out who you are and what you want.Plenty of time for all of that.
I am saying that we shouldnt lose us in order to do that. We shouldnt forget that we matter. We shouldnt have to become someone we arent in order to have that.
See uR, we do agree. We just said it differently
There's never a good time to be somebody we aren't. We fall into that trap as we try different things, but in the long run, it never works to be something or somebody we are not. Too stressful and eventually falls apart.
As the old saying goes, "Be you. Everyone else is taken"
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Right, Ellie... not ready. I'm so happy for you that you have that. I love it and think of it often. There are opportunities out there for me.. when I'm ready. Hopefully someone will be ready for this!
Sooo... a couple of things made me smile today... first.. my kids and I hung out for awhile this afternoon. We had tears rolling we were laughing so hard. I love that. It's totally our personality.. it was good to have that.
Then, uR... your post made me smile ear to ear! Thank you! You confirmed how I felt and I knew it was OK to feel how I feel. I mean, it is such a messed up sceniro and sitch, dealing w mlc, that I often question my own intent and feelings... I know they are real and genuine, but I don't want to be totally crazy! Thank you for confirming that this is a real crazy-train of emotions. Right now... keep pushing through... forward!
AJ... I totally agree... you guys are saying the same thing.. just differently. Appreciate yourself and what you can bring to a partnership... to blend together.
