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Susana,

Maybe I'll just invite myself to that little party and enjoy the foods! Probably will strategically place my sharp elbow on B's body...ohhhhhhh. wink

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Hi Susana

If you want to release some anger, you could try rolling up a newspaper and bashing some pillows on the bed - when H isn't around obviously! I have done that a few times for 5 minutes or so and did feel a sense of release. I've also read that slamming bottles in the bottle bank or some aggressive exercise - running, punch bag etc can help. Also primal screams are good - in the car at night driving alone...

Also, I think it's natural to look at your H and feel some hatred - you're going through a lot right now...you're doing really well though :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Originally Posted By: Wonka
Susana,

Maybe I'll just invite myself to that little party and enjoy the foods! Probably will strategically place my sharp elbow on B's body...ohhhhhhh. wink


Hahaha. You're welcome to the party (in fact, let's make it a DB party, all welcome! smile Definitely neutralise the danger this way), just make sure he doesn't realise it was you! wink


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Oh man, it was hatred central here this morning. So glad H has gone on his ski trip until Monday, it will give me plenty of time to process my feelings, punch some pillows, etc.

It took everything in me not to show him any anger this morning. Everything he did made me angry. And he wasn't even doing anything "wrong", it just all made me mad.

I asked him if he still wanted to go for pizza next week and when (I'm a busy gal and my schedule's starting to fill up) and he hemmed and hawed "oh but I don't know if I'll have the money, I'm meeting N [his former boss] for dinner and my brother's coming. Maybe we shouldn't go. Oh but the pizza is cheap. Ok let's go actually." I wanted to punch him.

I gave him a car magazine I picked up at the grocery store I thought he might want to read on the plane (I bought myself a magazine as a treat so thought I'd get him a treat too) and he acted like I'd given him a bar of gold. He was giddy with excitement and gave me a huge hug. A freaking magazine. I wanted to punch him.

He asked me to help carry his ski crap outside with him when he left for the plane. He didn't even thank me, and he gave me a hug and goodbye almost as an afterthought. I wanted to punch him.


Ok so I've done a little punching of the pillows (thanks Toots!) and now I'm sitting with my feelings (thanks Z!) and thinking about why I feel this way, I'll follow with a primal scream later.

I think I am p!ssed off that H is acting so nonchalant. It seems weird because it's like the more we get along the more angry I get, but I think it makes sense because it has to do with him acting so carefree and casual. I get why *I* am acting carefree and happy, but why him? It's like he doesn't give a sh!t about our M at all. I know it's going to sound weird but a part of me almost wishes that there were some spew (I know if it came down to it I'd regret that though) just because then I could go "well, he's angry and resentful and can't get past that". But nothing? Just makes it feel to me like our M means so little to him he doesn't have to give it a second thought, just tossed it away and doesn't think a thing of it. Now logically, I know this might not be true - I have no idea what's going on in his head and it's possible his head is full of anger, resentment and/or confusion, and I can't assume it means little to him. But that's certainly how it makes me feel.

Add to that I am PMSing (yeah not good for the anger front!) and exhausted. DBing is hard work! I feel like I have to always be "on"- have to look good, smell good, keep up the PMA, be mysterious... Last night I wanted nothing more than to come home, get in my pyjamas, have a cup of tea and a bar of chocolate and relax (really, I wanted a cuddle more than anything but obviously knew *that* was never going to happen!). Instead I was trying to be all mysterious and stay in the sexy clothes, and eventually I just gave in and put on the comfy pyjamas and curled up on the sofa. I can't be on all the time. It was just too much.

And then, I don't know if it's down to the resentment and frustration or what - but I started to doubt my 180s earlier. H gave me so little information about what upset him, and I can't tell if he's reacting to my 180s (I don't know how to tell if he is, because he doesn't say anything - and my DB coach said to watch for behaviours not words but I don't know what behaviours I'm looking for arghhh), that I don't even know if I'm addressing the underlying issues or not. Then I ended up thinking in a circle and forced myself to stop but that's still in the back of my head. Are there some underlying issues i'm missing? Am I addressing the right things with my 180s?

H's ski trip could not have come at a better time, and I thank my lucky stars for that. I can hit my pillows to my heart's content. wink And hopefully be in a better frame of mind come Monday.

I am *really* happy I was able to go last night and this morning without saying or doing something I'd regret, and keep my anger and resentment in check. I think this is a huge testament to DBing and all you great folks on this site that have helped me get to this point. Thank you DB friends!! smile


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Hi Susana

Sorry it was tough! It's good that you get to have a little break and can punch pillows in your PJ's as much as you like.

You seem to be doing lots of mind reading about H 'not caring' about the M. That's unlikely, and it probably doesn't help your state of mind to be thinking about it. As you say, having PMS probably doesn't help!

The good thing is - you made it through without a meltdown. Now, enjoy some well-deserved down time this weekend :-)

Last edited by Toots; 03/05/15 02:21 PM.

T 13 M 7
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BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Susana,

Major mind reading right there. Chill...

H is doing some really positive stuff. Yeah, he is not acting like a Romeo to your Juliet at the moment. Actually, your sitch has improved over the past few weeks and I think you are being impatient with how slow this is moving to your taste. Right?

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Originally Posted By: susana4
I think I am p!ssed off that H is acting so nonchalant. It seems weird because it's like the more we get along the more angry I get, but I think it makes sense because it has to do with him acting so carefree and casual.


Try not to over think or use logic with his actions. Its hard, but you really don't know what hes thinking. There could be a million reasons for the way he acts, or appears to act. Trying to figure it out will just make you crazy. Remember, hes the one being irrational and his actions wont make sense to you. Keep up the great work.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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Originally Posted By: Wonka
Susana,

Major mind reading right there. Chill...

H is doing some really positive stuff. Yeah, he is not acting like a Romeo to your Juliet at the moment. Actually, your sitch has improved over the past few weeks and I think you are being impatient with how slow this is moving to your taste. Right?




x 2.


CHILLLLAAAAXXX . . . .


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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You guys are right. Thanks for being my voice of reason yet again!

I *know* logically I can't have any clue what's going on in his head and thinking he doesn't care is mindreading. I also know that other things could be going on in there that he's not saying - anger, resentment, confusion, any myriad of things. Logically, I know this, but my emotions are reacting otherwise. (Good thing DBing is about not acting on emotions!)

I am so happy I didn't have a meltdown. I definitely would not have been able to not react to my anger in the past, and H would have had to bear the brunt of my bad mood. I honestly don't think I even realised, pre DB, that it was POSSIBLE to be this angry and not react. Wow!

Originally Posted By: Wonka

Actually, your sitch has improved over the past few weeks and I think you are being impatient with how slow this is moving to your taste. Right?


Yes, true, good point, I am getting impatient. I guess there's also the pessimistic part of me (and I have always been pessimistic, but one of my life goals is to be more optimistic) that wonders whether it is improving at all. I guess there is just this part of me going "hmm, I feel like the sitch has been improving, am I imagining things?"


PMS is SO not helpful right now. But Toots, I am happily in my PJ's and going to enjoy some downtime tonight. :-) Easy night in - some leftovers, some chocolate and some sitcoms (and maybe I'll make myself some stovetop popcorn in a bit). Yay!

H texted me from the airport to say thank you for the leftover curry he took (not sure why as he helped make it too!) and I just responded with a brief message wishing him a good trip. Not going to text him during his trip so I think we will have a few days of NC which frankly should be good for my chilling out efforts. wink

Last edited by susana4; 03/05/15 07:29 PM.

Me 28 / H 28
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You're doing awesome, friend. Truly.

I'm going to offer additional mind reading for balance:
What if your H is considering getting back in your M? And is happy and nonchalant thinking you guys are S, dating, and he has that room to consider what he's doing? Really, when was the last time he mentioned D?

I know this is a pointless exercise, but since I know you can't stop yourself from trying to figure it out smile - might as well practice some of that optimism.

I smiled reading your punch-him scenarios. Lol. It's SO honest and beautiful and it's simply awesome you just recognized those feelings and didn't let them rick you. Congrats.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



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