Basically wait until or if she brings it up again? Confirm she is finished and request transparency for awhile until I am comfortable....if it gets to that point. No expectations.
Starsky...... where are you? Might need you in here soon!!!!
When wife brings it up, validate anything that is true. Say you don't want a divorce but a lot has happened. Trust needs to be earned now. You need some things from her to even think about rebuilding a life with her. 1. No contact with OM, and no contact means NO CONTACT. So find a new AA group. 2. No contact letter/e-mail/text sent right before your very eyes that you approve of 3. Full transparency (and you need some intel on this)
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Starsky...... where are you? Might need you in here soon!!!!
When wife brings it up, validate anything that is true. Say you don't want a divorce but a lot has happened. Trust needs to be earned now. You need some things from her to even think about rebuilding a life with her. 1. No contact with OM, and no contact means NO CONTACT. So find a new AA group. 2. No contact letter/e-mail/text sent right before your very eyes that you approve of 3. Full transparency (and you need some intel on this)
Why, it looks like you don't need me at all! This is perfect! ^^^
I am right there with you, exact same thoughts and ideas, thank you for teaching and helping me .
W came home this morning, a little late, but it did snow a good amount over night and she let me know she would be.
She said that she cut it off with OM, and that she wants to work on our marriage. We agreed on a tentative plan. Identify problems we have had in the past, and work on them. In a week, if we feel like we need it, we will seek a MC. We are both aware of many of the issues already, just need to really sit down and get through them.
W said (on her own) that she is going to change her meeting times (hopefully without telling OM to what). Seems like she understands that there is to be no contact. I mentioned that it will take a bit to gain her trust again. She acknowledged. I did not mention exactly what I want with respect to gaining that trust, but plan to do that this evening, per your list. I did not have time this morning.
I did notice she put her wedding band back on. When leaving, I was showing my affections to S3. She approaches me, kisses me, and says "I really do love you." Hopefully this is not a facade...
W has been home. She seems to have ended things with OM. Not noticing anything out of the ordinary, then again, I am not home all day while she is. She is taking care of S3 during the day more often, opposed to taking him to her mother's house. She also seems to not be avoiding her family as she used to. She has changed her AA meeting times and is, at least she claims, working with her sponsor a lot more. This is something she was supposed to be doing the entire time. All of her rings are on, engagement, newer (prior to sitch) replacement wedding band, and another one with our son's birth stones. They look good.
Basically, she seems to have come to some realizations. She claims that she realizes that she cannot pursue her A actions because she feels like she was away for our S3 too much, and that she was not going right by me. She feels like she cannot go through with a "custody battle" right now. She feels like she was performing the exact same actions with the A as she was when she was drinking and using (lies, deceit, avoidance, etc.). She realized that no one trusts her given what she has been doing with the chemical dependence and the A and that it is important for her to gain that trust again with everyone.
She was emotional saying the aforementioned things, but I could not tell if she was saying these things because I wanted to hear them, or if she meant them.
We are actually talking about things, problems we have had in the past, where her mind is now. We have been a lot more open with each other. Good, calm, respectful conversations. She feels like a lot of the problems in the past were that I was only interested in a physical relationship with her. I can see this to an extent, though making love came about with very little frequency shortly after getting married. She says that whenever I show any kind of physical affection, rubbing her feet or back, cuddling, that I am expecting to take it further all the time. Not true by any means, but the way she feels.
We actually did make love this past week, it was good. Talked about some things right after. She feels like we would "never talk" before or after any kind of intimacy. That because of this she became overly self conscious about her body and herself. She did have an orgasm, and thought that I thought it was disgusting (apparently always has). I let her know otherwise. That all physical interactions I have with her have an emotional component and I find them to be beautiful, even if I do not say anything immediately afterward. Unfortunately, our S3 decided to interrupt our conversation continuously, so it made it a little more difficult to fully express everything without stops.
Yesterday morning, I was feeling a little frisky, started kissing. She said, "I will if you want me to." I stopped, and said, "I want you to want to." Had a conversation about her comfort level with having a physical relationship with me instead. She mentioned that most of the time she would just make excuses to not make love (I knew this), that a lot of times she feels guilty and just goes with it so "you can get what you deserve," in the sense of a physical relationship. She feels like a lot of the time, she was forced and that I was just there for the sex and nothing else. She says she feels like she has PTSD with me and that she "almost gags." Not sure how she has an orgasm with that mindset. I did validate all of her feelings, reassured her about the emotional and beauty I see in our affections.
She does realize that I do love her, but she does not feel like she can reciprocate, that the love she has for me is more like family or a friend, but not a husband. She says that she enjoys being with me, raising our S3 together, but just cannot get to the physical aspect. She says that there was no passion in our relationship. A lot of what she says, makes it seem like she has not idea what happens in long term relationships, though I am not going to claim myself to know everything. I know I was not always there for her emotionally, though tried. Mounting resentments did cause some issues with both of us. Work and life stressors, they happen.
We have a MC lined up and appointment made. She did mention that with the thoughts/feelings she has, she needs counselling. I made the appointment prior to this conversation. Good thing. Hopefully it helps. She does have an IC that she has not been going to regularly. Hopefully she speaks with him, too.
Overall, I have been assuming this is piecing, correct? We just have some deep issues to overcome. Patience, I do have it normally when I need to.
W has been home. She seems to have ended things with OM. Not noticing anything out of the ordinary, then again, I am not home all day while she is. She is taking care of S3 during the day more often, opposed to taking him to her mother's house. She also seems to not be avoiding her family as she used to. She has changed her AA meeting times and is, at least she claims, working with her sponsor a lot more. This is something she was supposed to be doing the entire time. All of her rings are on, engagement, newer (prior to sitch) replacement wedding band, and another one with our son's birth stones. They look good.
How convinient. Explore this fantasy, have you suffer in pain and come back conveniently at the end. OM never intended to provide for her, only to bed her.
Originally Posted By: TryIt10
Basically, she seems to have come to some realizations. She claims that she realizes that she cannot pursue her A actions because she feels like she was away for our S3 too much, and that she was not going right by me. She feels like she cannot go through with a "custody battle" right now. She feels like she was performing the exact same actions with the A as she was when she was drinking and using (lies, deceit, avoidance, etc.). She realized that no one trusts her given what she has been doing with the chemical dependence and the A and that it is important for her to gain that trust again with everyone.
Wow. What a realization. Your case is one of the minorities. She could be telling the truth. Perhaps she wants respect back and for people to trust her.
Who are the ones who lost trust with her? Stable and loyal relation partners, or singles who were outraged at the depth of her actions?
Originally Posted By: TryIt10
She was emotional saying the aforementioned things, but I could not tell if she was saying these things because I wanted to hear them, or if she meant them.
When they are double lifing like this, in the manner required to perform a successful affair, they can literally "say" anything which is required to cause an outcome.
Originally Posted By: TryIt10
We are actually talking about things, problems we have had in the past, where her mind is now. We have been a lot more open with each other. Good, calm, respectful conversations. She feels like a lot of the problems in the past were that I was only interested in a physical relationship with her. I can see this to an extent, though making love came about with very little frequency shortly after getting married. She says that whenever I show any kind of physical affection, rubbing her feet or back, cuddling, that I am expecting to take it further all the time. Not true by any means, but the way she feels.
About you providing more intimacy that is required and love and her being concerned that you want it to go further... Obviously she feels like that is not your space currently. A "real" wife or gf would be ok with you showing her in that manner. She's being honest.
Originally Posted By: TryIt10
We actually did make love this past week, it was good. Talked about some things right after. She feels like we would "never talk" before or after any kind of intimacy. That because of this she became overly self conscious about her body and herself. She did have an orgasm, and thought that I thought it was disgusting (apparently always has). I let her know otherwise. That all physical interactions I have with her have an emotional component and I find them to be beautiful, even if I do not say anything immediately afterward. Unfortunately, our S3 decided to interrupt our conversation continuously, so it made it a little more difficult to fully express everything without stops.[?quote]
Your still banging someone who was just recently with someone else. You have to look @ it the way she does.
[quote=TryIt10]
Yesterday morning, I was feeling a little frisky, started kissing. She said, "I will if you want me to." I stopped, and said, "I want you to want to." Had a conversation about her comfort level with having a physical relationship with me instead. She mentioned that most of the time she would just make excuses to not make love (I knew this), that a lot of times she feels guilty and just goes with it so "you can get what you deserve," in the sense of a physical relationship. She feels like a lot of the time, she was forced and that I was just there for the sex and nothing else. She says she feels like she has PTSD with me and that she "almost gags." Not sure how she has an orgasm with that mindset. I did validate all of her feelings, reassured her about the emotional and beauty I see in our affections.
When they make them self available to other people and make excuses why they can't be with their spouse, this is what happens. It must be worked through, and the brain works like you see, just like she says it does.
She has to in a disciplined fashion to allow it to happen, knowing her reasoning has been altered by her infidelities.
Originally Posted By: TryIt10
She does realize that I do love her, but she does not feel like she can reciprocate, that the love she has for me is more like family or a friend, but not a husband. She says that she enjoys being with me, raising our S3 together, but just cannot get to the physical aspect. She says that there was no passion in our relationship. A lot of what she says, makes it seem like she has not idea what happens in long term relationships, though I am not going to claim myself to know everything. I know I was not always there for her emotionally, though tried. Mounting resentments did cause some issues with both of us. Work and life stressors, they happen.
She probably thinks love is like an obsession or being a fan or seeing a fine dressed man in the club. She doesn't know what real love is like, true of 99% of affair participants. Love is not lust, love is passion, love is love.
Originally Posted By: TryIt10
We have a MC lined up and appointment made. She did mention that with the thoughts/feelings she has, she needs counselling. I made the appointment prior to this conversation. Good thing. Hopefully it helps. She does have an IC that she has not been going to regularly. Hopefully she speaks with him, too.
You should probably participate in a few of these sessions to guage his viewpoint. Alot of the counselours shoot after the immediate reaction of making someone "feel better", so they may very well justify their foul actions.
Originally Posted By: TryIt10
Overall, I have been assuming this is piecing, correct? We just have some deep issues to overcome. Patience, I do have it normally when I need to.
You don't need patience here. Make her suffer consequence and loss. Cheaters don't understand anything when they are supplicated.
Best of luck to you and I'm not trying to bring you down, just bring you back out into yourself. You should never tolerate anyone "cheating" on you unless you went into it and decided it together with an open mind. It's a very painful and hurtful situation to endure.
Yes, this is piecing (both spouses agreeing to work on the marriage together, without the influence of a third party (affair partner)). And it's THE hardest part.
It's going to take her several weeks of "hard withdrawal" to get her OM out of her system, and that's assuming she maintains 100% no-contact with him (each new contact would set her withdrawal "clock" back to 00:00). And then total withdrawal -- and her emotional and sexual feelings for you returning -- could take MONTHS. I'm glad to see you're going to use the help of a MC to help you two navigate this next stage, because it's imperative. And preferably one specifically trained in dealing with infidelity. And a good IC for her on top of it, as you said, would help additionally.
I know these things are tough to hear from her, but at least she's talking to you about them. Work on re-building ATTRACTION first, and emotional and sexual intimacy should follow that.
I have been keeping up with the changes I have made. She seems to be a little reluctant to go out and do things with me in public at the moment, aside from when our son is in the mix. Might just be getting into a new norm with her meetings and schooling, nervous in general, or the likes. I do not let it get to me, I just go do something for myself then. She is going through a tough time.
There are so many different ways people can come into contact these days, that it is difficult to really keep up with everything, if at all possible, especially when they have plenty of time to themselves during the day. About all I feel like I can do is give her some trust in that area to hold onto my sanity. If I notice something that feels out of the ordinary, then I will bring them up letting her know it feels like something is up.
I am not terribly sure where to go with the attraction aspect. It was never about not doing housework (cooking, cleaning, laundry, child care, home improvements, groceries) or things for her, aside from seemingly doing too much of it (her claim of insufficiency). Maybe I was doing too much, though I would ask her to do these things, but I do have a time frame when I feel like they need to be done, and I would say it is reasonable. I always show my appreciation when she does do stuff around the house. About all I feel like I can do is listen, validate, and communicate with her better, be more passionate (towards her and life) and express my feelings better. These are things she has brought up to me as problem areas, and I have been doing and sticking with them. I suppose I have always just been silently passionate about everything, leaving the results of my actions to be noticed (or not) at her own discretion, she needs more words to go with them. I always do compliment her (daily), help her when she asks for it, asks if she needs help with anything, suggest doing activities with her. Difficult to do the fun novelty things like going out to new places or a long weekend somewhere with work, her school, her meetings, and a child. Have to find time somewhere. Trying. Maybe I can just surprise her with something....even though she claims she hates surprises.
Any suggestions, and I am all ears. If keep doing what I am doing and be patient is the answer, then that works for me too.
There are so many different ways people can come into contact these days, that it is difficult to really keep up with everything, if at all possible, especially when they have plenty of time to themselves during the day. About all I feel like I can do is give her some trust in that area to hold onto my sanity.
Have you guys not agreed to a full transparency plan??
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