I'm wondering right now if anyone has advice on how to respond to W saying things like, I'm only trying to be nice etc in our brief interactions. Yesterday we spoke for a minute or two but I didn't really want to speak to her, as I've mentioned in recent posts. Due to this it appears as if I am being the narky one who doesn't want to speak and she seems to take the stance that she is being nice and why can't I do the same? It's not that I'm nasty, it's just that I am trying to detach myself for a bit and so I'm not continuing conversations etc, which she sees as me being distant. I don't want her to be seen as taking the moral high ground, so I'm wondering how I should respond in such a case. So far, as I wrote before, I have said things along the lines of, well, there's nothing left to say. She said yesterday that I have something going on inside my head and she wanted to know what it was. Again, I just said, there's nothing left to say, have a good evening, bye.
Well, I have just dropped the kids off and come home. I was much more business like today. I only stayed for five minutes. W said goodbye as I went, briefly discussed pick up/drop off for tomorrow regarding the children. There is no animosity from her now, just nothing much in the way of kindess or affection either of course. Well, at least I seemed to have stopped the rot. I didnt' get the chance to go over the parenting plan but it is Friday tomorrow so I am sure there will be chance to do that before Monday comes.
We seemed to have plateaued at the moment. Things haven't gotten any worse in the last few days really. Granted, I have felt awful privately but the situation doesn't appear to have gotten worse. On the other hand, there hasn't been much improvement. I suppose it depends on how I look at it. No arguments really, that's a big tick. I have managed to back off and detach quite a bit. W does seem to have a safety net as long as she is living with her parents. She said that she was going to show me as we split how good she would be as a mum on her own because previously she was pretty bad and I was always the one spending time with the kids. Well, I can report that her parenting style hasn't changed and most of the brief time that I'm there she doesn't seem that bothered by looking after the children. I think if she does move into a new place of her own then things may suddenly hit home that she will be alone. W is 28. OM she is/was having affair with is apparently something like 43. I can't see him being interested in two young children being around all the time. My son as it happens is one of the most talkative little boys you are ever going to meet. He is incredibly hard work because he is so inquisitive and loves to talk constantly. W has suffered previously with that.
So, losing the ring aside, today has been OK. I have got back to work again today for the first time in about a month. Luckily being self employed that hasn't been a problem, and the company I do work with have been incredibly understanding. It is good to be back working and earning money again. We did have flights booked for a foreign holiday in early April. If I can afford it then I would love to take the kids on it still. W hasn't been granted all her holiday requests so she wouldn't be able to go anyway
I wonder what the next phase will be. We've had the madness, the crying, the doing all the wrong things, then we've had some 180s from myself, LRT has been implemented, cutting down contact to bare minimum. As I've said, that has stopped things from getting worse but the last few days appear to have stagnated things. I wonder how things will go next. I know time moves slowly and we are all hoping for quicker positive changes in our situation. I haven't written in my solutions journal for a day or so now because I've been so busy, so I must do that tonight, and have a review of what I've written over the last week at the same time.
This evening I am going to re-read DB or DR again to make sure I am not missing things from the first proper read through.
BD - 30TH JAN 2015 S - 30TH JAN 2015 PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014) CONTINUAL TALK OF D ME: 31 W: 28 T: 10yrs M: 4.5yrs D:5, S:6
I have a coaching session booked with Amanda for next Tuesday. I'm a little stuck at the moment as my last post suggests. Ah this thing can drive you mad. Although things aren't getting worse I do feel like the reduced face to face contact has made our interactions less pleasant than a few days ago. Being less friendly may have stopped wife being pushy but only a few days ago she was asking questions about what I was doing, seemed intrigued. Today she didn't seem to care if I was there or not. Maybe more time is needed. I have listened to all your advice. I feel like I'm doing well personally. Reduced time with kids is hard though. I suppose I have to give this more time...but.I'm caught between how to proceed.
BD - 30TH JAN 2015 S - 30TH JAN 2015 PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014) CONTINUAL TALK OF D ME: 31 W: 28 T: 10yrs M: 4.5yrs D:5, S:6
I have listened to all your advice. I feel like I'm doing well personally. Reduced time with kids is hard though. I suppose I have to give this more time...but.I'm caught between how to proceed.
I think you do know how to proceed (it's basically above, and it's what you've been doing, plus maybe adding Toots' last post about being more breezy and upbeat). You're just not giving it enough time.
There's a reason why we always say around here that "this is a marathon, not a sprint." It takes tiiiiiiiiiime.
W has a few days at work from tonight onwards. That might make little contact easier. I'm experience 'the fear' right now that stepping back might lead her to get over things quicker. I know since I've read the books this is what I need to do at the moment. It's so damn hard. No so much not getting in touch, just wondering how things will.pan out following this. I know detaching is for myself as much as anything, and I am GAL, but of course missing your family is natural. I won't let this show in my interactions, I'm using my posts as a way to get out my feelings, but I feel strange imaging w living life with ny kids and im not there.
Edit: thanks starksy, just saw your post...your advice and help is.much appreciated...I know you're right, and I'm doing the right things I guess based on yours and others experience...Im just really tired at mo, and lonely, and a little sad.
Last edited by alpha99; 03/05/1507:47 PM.
BD - 30TH JAN 2015 S - 30TH JAN 2015 PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014) CONTINUAL TALK OF D ME: 31 W: 28 T: 10yrs M: 4.5yrs D:5, S:6
Believe it or not, I do understand, Alpha. Remember, I went through all of this too, and I STILL get triggers every now and again, almost 8 years later! A certain song on the radio, maybe driving by where OM lived or where the divorce mediator we went to is. It's horrible to go thru this stuff, but it DOES get better!
Hmm Ive found I can't listen to certain music at the moment, if certain places we've been to.come on tv I have to turn it off, pass by places where we've had fun times and I get upset still. I cried on my own this afternoon. Again, thank you so much for taking the time to advise me, it is very much appreciated.
BD - 30TH JAN 2015 S - 30TH JAN 2015 PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014) CONTINUAL TALK OF D ME: 31 W: 28 T: 10yrs M: 4.5yrs D:5, S:6
A certain song on the radio, maybe driving by where OM lived or where the divorce mediator we went to is. It's horrible to go thru this stuff, but it DOES get better!