Wife left me three weeks ago!

[alpha99]

I'm feeling like utter crap now. I guess this feeling is coming from the realisation that maybe I've been naive in thinking thus far that her affair is over because she said it was. Of course there are things that have pointed to the contrary but I don't know, I just feel sick again right now like I did post separation. It's one thing us not being together, being apart but single, thinking her A was over, but it's another thing to imagine that it is still going on...I feel sick.

[Starsky309]

I'm feeling like utter crap now. I guess this feeling is coming from the realisation that maybe I've been naive in thinking thus far that her affair is over because she said it was.

Why in the world would you think that? Your very first post on this forum detailed all KINDS of deceit of hers; why would you trust her now? Trust must be earned.

ALL CHEATERS LIE -- PERIOD. The sooner you come to that FULL realization, the better.


Starsky, who still uses the "z" version of the spelling, being a Yank and all

[alpha99]

I am writing a parenting plan out now. I will be busy all day today working and so won't be answering her calls/texts. I will just drop the kids off and not stay for any period of time this evening. I won't initiate conversation unless child related. From today I am taking a full step back. I do have plans for this evening and so will be busy then too.

I will have to understand that emotions of all types are normal and learn not to respond emotionally all the time. Last night, when I write my last few posts, u felt terrible. I was considering calling her, having a go at hee, callibg her work etc but I'm glad I did none of that. Instead I re-read some of your advice here and watch some if Michelle's videos from YouTube. I have read most of DR and DB now. Some sections ive read several times now.

[HeavyD]

All cheaters lie - true.

My WAW says she can't trust me. Oh boy! I don't argue with her.

She's the cheater and the liar but I can't be trusted. Rich!

[alpha99]

Hi Foolish,

I've had the exact same thing. I have written it in earlier posts but again, my wife cheated, and maybe still is, for at least six months, and has the cheek to say I can't be trusted because I looked through her phone records or made some undercover recordings of her spouting out that she would call the police and make up lies about me if I didn't do what she wanted. Unbelievable. Her slogans recently have been 'no love, no trust, no point' and 'you brought this on yourself'. Clearly at the moment she is not taking any responsibility for her actions.

[HeavyD]

Classic Cheater Spew!

[alpha99]

I'm wondering right now if anyone has advice on how to respond to W saying things like, I'm only trying to be nice etc in our brief interactions. Yesterday we spoke for a minute or two but I didn't really want to speak to her, as I've mentioned in recent posts. Due to this it appears as if I am being the narky one who doesn't want to speak and she seems to take the stance that she is being nice and why can't I do the same? It's not that I'm nasty, it's just that I am trying to detach myself for a bit and so I'm not continuing conversations etc, which she sees as me being distant. I don't want her to be seen as taking the moral high ground, so I'm wondering how I should respond in such a case. So far, as I wrote before, I have said things along the lines of, well, there's nothing left to say. She said yesterday that I have something going on inside my head and she wanted to know what it was. Again, I just said, there's nothing left to say, have a good evening, bye.

[Sotto]

Hi Alpha

I think the best demeanour to aim for is pleasant, breezy, busy, distant...

So, your W shouldn't think that you are being narky - just that you have lots going on in your life and limited time to interact.

From what you're saying, you may want to 'up' the pleasantness - ie: not refusing to speak, but being the one to break off the convo first as you have something else on etc.

[alpha99]

Hi Toots,

Thanks for your input. After some reflection this morning I guess you are right. It is a fine balance between detaching and being cold, angry etc as it says in DR. I don't want to be overly friendly at the moment but I as I wrote before I don't want to be seen as being the angry, distant one who doesn't want to talk/communicate at all.

W has texted me twice already this morning. It is now 7.30am here. Once was about childcare arrangements, and the other time was a picture message of my son's tooth that has fallen out. I have not yet replied to the messages. I am going to give it some time so it doesn't appear as if I am sat by the phone waiting for her to call/text etc. I don't think I will be seeing my children today which is such a shame. I do think the LRT is having some affect already though.

If we go back a week wife was being incredibly nasty to me on various occasions. I have taken a stand or two since and she now appears to have understood that I won't be walked all over from now on. She has also started to be more polite to me for the most part, although not all the time. I mentioned possible reasons for this a few posts ago.

I am going to try and walk the fine line between being pleasant but being busy/distant and ending conversations first, leaving before I really have to, for the next short period and see what happens. As I've written, I do get the sense that she is starting to soften slightly. I don't think there is any remorse or regret about anything she has done yet, and certainly no sudden change of heart, but then maybe there hasn't been the time for her to reflect upon exactly what she has done/is doing just yet.

[alpha99]

A say day today:

I woke up this morning and noticed that I wasn't wearing my wedding ring. I had been thinking about whether to wear it or not recently considering my situation. However, the reason I don't have it on is not marriage related.

I have lost around 50lbs over the course of the last year. The stress involved in our separation has meant that in the last few weeks 20 of those 50lbs have come off. This had made my wedding ring quite loose. It did fall off a few days ago when I was at MIL's house dropping the kids off. At that time I noticed it fall off and picked it up off the floor. It would appear that the same thing has happened again, only this time I don't know where and when. I went bowling with the kids last night and had it on then. I seem to remember having it on still when I came home later in the evening, but I don't know for sure. I have had a good look all over the house in the usual places where I might leave it, if say I was having a shower etc. It's not in any of them. So it would appear that it has fallen off somewhere outside. It does seem like a sign. I've hardly taken it off since we got married and within a month of things going pear shaped I've lost it. I am devastated, not just from a financial point of view, because it was worth quite a bit of money, but also of course from a sentimental point of view. Whatever happens in the future regarding my W and M, I did plan on having that ring forever. I rarely lose anything and so to lose my wedding ring is sickening for me. I'm gutted. Maybe it will turn up in some unexpected place but I'm not holding my breathe.