Seperated, she is with someone - I'm desperate (2)

[vdubber]

Toots, yes I know I am responsible for my part in our situation and yes I will continue reading the rest of DR...was just hoping I would gain some I sight into what she might be thinking/feeling by reading the MLC chapter.

Karma, you are right that I keep finding myself thinking of what she was and what she might be again and need to put that aside and face the fact she is who she is...at least for now. I need to know it's ok to care and yet still move on.

Sandi, yes I do feel a sense of responsibility and i do truly care and want to protect her. Sometimes when I feel this way I think I'm not allowing myself to disconnect. As you say I need to allow myself to care and my sense of responsibility will diminish over time. Her health is her choice and as much as I want to protect her and guide her it just isn't going to happen. I absolutely do feel hopeless caring and loving from a distance. She was the love of my life I have no doubt in my heart however each day I feel a bit more frustrated with her actions and maybe just maybe my love is fading. Either that or I'm growing a layer over my heart to help protect myself...idk.

Yes it hurts to hear she loves me like a dear relative, it is a horrible feeling that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Thank you for your honesty as although it hurts it makes more sense in her ability to say that yet move forward with her life as is.

I have alot of work to do. I'm like a recent amputee still mourning the loss of a limb and afraid of learning to live as what I now am. Some days I feel much more courageous than others. Some days I want to get out and conquer the world yet many days I just want to close my eyes and sleep. I no longer have any expectations that she may come back and I'm doing much better controlling my thoughts of her and OM. I am however disappointed, frustrated, and heart broken and know I should have done more. Not that it was solely up to me but I am frustrated that I didn't see things when I should have. This is the part of letting go of the past I need to work on.

People that know all tell me I will be ok, I will be happy again someday and i do want to believe that. I know if i don't believe it, it will never be. I have several books recommended that I need to get through, I sure wish I could read and comprehend alot faster than I'm doing it.

I do not want to always be the depressed, I can't believe it happened to me man. I want and intend to become confident in myself as I know I am a gentle thoughtful kind hearted man that deserves better than his current situation. But it's up to me to make myself better, waiting around didn't help, catering to her every whim didn't help, and now I finally have my hands on resources both books and forum support to make a difference for me...up to me to move forward. I need to know it doesn't change overnight and learn to practice patience.


Thanks again for your support and honesty.

[vdubber]

So this weekend I was at store and almost without thinking I bought a book for W that looked like something she would really enjoy. I put it in D7 backpack so W would see it when she picked up kids last night from daycare. I messaged W yesterday morning to let her know how much money I loaded on kids lunch accts I mentioned the book and said it was for no reason, just thought it looked like something she would enjoy.

This started her messaging me. 1st message saying thank you for the book. She really appreciates my new found thoughtfulness and someday a woman will be so lucky to be the recipient.

This bothered me as although I realize looking back I had not been thoughtful enough during much of our marriage, the past few years I had made a very concerted effort in this area.

She messaged a couple hours later saying she could tell I had really worked on my thoughtfulness the last several years.

Then after work she messaged that I am who she thinks I am...I am kind, generous,honest, hard working, a loving father, a devoted friend, and a good decent man...and that she never thought otherwise and then she wished me a good evening.

Again, it's back to me needing to hear all of this and understand that she loves me like a dear friend or relative. ..as when I hear these words I tend to think if I am all of these things to you and you recognize how thoughtful I was trying to be then why kick me to the curb?

On a GAL note, met friends for dinner last night...a husband and wife who we used to hang out with. It was nice, we don't talk about us...they know my situation and how I feel. I was quite tired and worn out so came home and went straight to bed directly after.

[vdubber]

Last night WAW messaged asking if S9 could come by and get a movie I bought them this weekend. I said yes, that it was a good movie, and I thought she would enjoy it also.

She said thank you but also said thanks for buying it for them and that she couldn't afford to buy them all that stuff...this really rubbed me the wrong way, I wanted to tell her she spends twice that much at the bar every night so her ability to afford it is limited by what she is setting as priorities in her life.

I didn't say that as it would have got ugly...but I wanted to. In fact I was driving when I got that message and was immediately upset and may have let a few f-bombs fly even though I was the only one that heard them.

I decided to message back saying I rarely buy stuff like that either and I hope she enjoyed watching it.

She messaged later thanking me again, then telling me goodnight, then sent me a picture message about a woman's mind being like having 5000 Internet browsers open all at once....?

I didn't respond. I am again struggling with the fact that she appears to be wanting to text me everyday now and while I truly love hearing from her i know it's not intended to be what I would want and is probably more of her way to establish friendship which frankly she does not deserve from me while OM is in the picture and I have clearly stated from her previously.

Saw my IC yesterday and told her she had been messaging me everyday and that I was conflicted between NC and daily contact. She asked me which was easier for me long term and i told her i honestly didn't know and my answer seemed to change day to day but I do not want her to think she can just have me as a friend so NC is probably the right thing but I still had worries that NC put me out of sight out of mind and if she had any loving feelings for me at all it allowed those to further diminish and fade away.

Why is it so hard to let go?...I don't want to be a friend and be safe and predictable. I want to be mysterious and intriguing but really don't think she could ever notice as we don't ever see each other. Sometimes I feel it's a no win situation and then I think I know that's why I need to only worry about me. Problem is I'm still worried about her noticing me and how to make that happen...why can't I just drop this fantasy?

[vdubber]

So I have to say all of the advice I get on this board about how WAS knows you inside and out and can control and manipulate your emotions as well as thoroughly confuse you is absolutely correct.
I met with tax consultant today at work as I have to file taxes in another country due to the amount of time I spent there on work last year. I had asked W at least 2 weeks ago to provide me with her W2 and mortgage interest statement. She said ok, then she didn't know what she was looking for, then she would find it.

I messaged her today to remind her that I needed it. She said ok and then asked if I could come over at 630 and help her look for it. At the end of the work day I told her i had plans but could another night that worked for us both. This seemed to piss her off as she said no thank you and that she would find it and drop it off to S18.

She then went on to say she was sore from her skin cancer surgery on her nose and was just reaching out as she wanted to see me.

I responded that I had previous plans to have dinner with out of town guests from work. She then told me how I always put work before her and she guesses she made the right choice to leave.

I tried to validate by saying I can imagine how she felt that way for many years and that I had made a concerted effort to put my family first the last several years. She said yes in theory but in reality no. I said I did not realize she had wanted to see me, that I thought she just couldn't find the documents, to which I got a "I invited you over, what did you think?"

Anyway, I just indicated I could understand why she had felt the way she did and why she had hesitance trusting I had changed.

What does this all mean? Why was she reaching out? Why is she home at 630 all of a sudden? I want to see her most definitely but I don't want to be weak and needy. Honestly in the past 2 years I had offered to quit my job, move, etc...I put my family first. Is she toying with me now?

[vdubber]

Got a text from W later this evening saying she was sorry she got angry and understood I had plans and we could get together some other time and I should have fun with my friends tonight.

I'm still a bit confused on the overall message from tonight. I want to think she was reaching out as she truly missed me but I also need to stay guarded and not be too needy and weak as she may have just been testing the waters. It's so hard when you really want them to reach out and they appear to but you don't know if it's genuine or just a temperature check.

What does it seem like?

[vdubber]

Message this morning asking if I would like to meet after work. I said that would be fine as I can't avoid her forever and it's an opportunity for me to sit, listen, validate, no expectations . I am still somewhat confused about the message exchange from last night.

[sandi2]

Again, it's back to me needing to hear all of this and understand that she loves me like a dear friend or relative. ..as when I hear these words I tend to think if I am all of these things to you and you recognize how thoughtful I was trying to be then why kick me to the curb?

I wish I could tell you it is a positive sign, but it really isn't. Reading other threads show this is fairly common when some of the anger dies down and the WW is acting nicey-nice. It seems she was laying it on rather thick. Just bear in mind that she will switch to the extreme the first time you don't do something just like she wants.

Ah, and here it is:

I

messaged her today to remind her that I needed it. She said ok and then asked if I could come over at 630 and help her look for it. At the end of the work day I told her i had plans but could another night that worked for us both. This seemed to piss her off as she said no thank you and that she would find it and drop it off to S18.

She then went on to say she was sore from her skin cancer surgery on her nose and was just reaching out as she wanted to see me.

I responded that I had previous plans to have dinner with out of town guests from work. She then told me how I always put work before her and she guesses she made the right choice to leave.

I tried to validate by saying I can imagine how she felt that way for many years and that I had made a concerted effort to put my family first the last several years. She said yes in theory but in reality no. I said I did not realize she had wanted to see me, that I thought she just couldn't find the documents, to which I got a "I invited you over, what did you think?"

So now you are more confused and asking what this all means and why was she reaching out? I guess you didn't believe me, did you? When you pull back, it helps in getting some of the attraction flowing again, and it draws her toward you. It's just like a dance. You step forward.......she steps back. You step back......it pulls her closer in.

It is the same old story with WW's. She says something that you don't respond like the
she expected/wanted. It pi$$es her off, so she goes into a triad of guilting you and then making you think she was thinking of ------(fill in the blank) or reaching out... but now you've gone and blown it. It is WW BS/script. If you don't believe me, ask Starsky how many times he has read about it. I don't make this up.

Look, she even pulled the cancer guilt on you. Right, and I remember how she treated you over all of that, too. So all that sugary BS she was saying a few days ago? Meant nothing. She forgot it just as quick as she heard you say you had other plans! It's her wayward female feelings that got one tiny rejection and she's ready to hang you by your heels. And, you didn't have a clue. Never suspected she would see it as some rejection, right? Well, that's how it is. The WW can dish it out, but she can't take it.

Anyway, make no more mention to her about it. Go as NC as possible. If she text you with something, don't respond unless she asks a direct question. Then use as few words as possible to answer. She can't blow up and then think she can sugar coat it over with a couple of flowery TM. When she's rude, pull further back.

I meant to tell you something earlier, when I said she cared for you with feelings comparable to a relative. I know this is something guys can hardly bear to hear, so I want to add this part; her feelings of being "in love" with you can return. (Won't happen as long as she's has another guy in her head.) In fact, by her getting ticked over you turning her invite down b/c you had previous plans, could be seen as positive. Now she could just be acting like a spoiled a$$, but OTOH, she could have felt a twinge of jealousy. All you saw was her unleashing her anger. Quite an over reaction to something so small, don't you think?

[vdubber]

Thank you so much Sandi for your insight. I already agreed to meet her after work tonight. Maybe I should have declined jut felt I can't avoid her forever. We didn't talk for so long that all of her reaching out and then anger and then nice again is really tweaking my brain.

You did tell me exactly this. Am I ok to meet and just sit and listen?

It's really hard not to hope it means something more but I know I need to keep expectations out of it as they will bury me. I assume OM is still in picture but was very surprised she was home earlier the last 2 nighta. Probably means nothing.

I'm very stressed right now.

[vdubber]

So just met with the W. She messaged me after work asking if we could just meet at her bar. I said no and suggested a Mexican restaurant. I arrived after her and when I walked in I could tell she was a bit surprised as she hadn't seen me in weeks and I have since cut my beard down and happened to be dressed really cool today. She didn't say anything but I could tell she was happy with how I looked. I caught her once really checking me out, I didn't say anything but it was obvious as she was eyeballing me pretty good and when I looked at her she had a big smile on her face.

Anyway, just talked about work and kids and her surgery. Told her i had been out last night with work friends that were in town for mtgs this week. She asked what else I'd been up to besides work and I just said I had been keeping pretty busy but gave her no details which was very unlike me. I was very confident and did alot of listening and didn't prompt the conversation like I used to.

We only stayed an hour but she called me honey once and I didn't act like I heard her. As soon as we got up from the table she put her arm around mine all the way to her car. I didn't not allow it but didn't let it be obvious to me. At her car I told her to have a good night, she hugged me for a very long time and different than any hug she had given me in months all of which I had previously initiated.

I walked confidently to my truck and she got in her car and drove off. I don't want to make anything of this but I didn't come across as needy at all and I could tell she was the one happy to see me, not the other way around. I'm a real catch and maybe she realizes that...idk.

Anyway, just wanted to update on the encounter as it was the first time we saw each other in probably 6 weeks...idk don't even know for sure.
I could tell she was thinking about me when she left, she should be. I was happy to see her too but I didn't want her to think I was sting to see her and think I did good in that regard.

Off to meet a work friend again that is still in town. For being so worried and stressed all day I have to say I feel pretty good about myself right about now :-)

[vdubber]

A couple other things I realized and forgot to mention. One of the waitresses walked by our table 2 or 3 times and took a good look at me each time. W noticed and although didn't say anything she took a long glance at the waitress.

Also, I mentioned it was going to be warmer this weekend and she said she was happy it was and needed to get out and rake the yard. I could swear she was tearing up but I didn't act like I noticed.

Saying these things makes me feel a little guilty in a way hut also makes me feel much stronger than I had previously. I'm not just anybody and maybe she realizes that.