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Originally Posted By: labug
You've got yourself twisted around the axle with needing to nknow the why of his leaving. Is there and answer that will make you feel less pain? Think about that, what would make this OK.


This is gold, labug. I sometimes get caught up in the whys also, although I recognize it as unproductive and try not to stay there. My D16 is T1D. I don't know why. And even if I could somehow pinpoint why, it wouldn't take the disease away from her. Point made.



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So, it's been awhile. Kind of shaken up about a phone call w/ STBX today. We discussed:
-taxes. whatever.
-cell phone stuff. he wants to use his reward points to upgrade his phone. I said I don't care but I NEED to have a new phone before I go on my spring break trip so I can take decent pictures.
Then the doozy...
He said he wanted to talk about the email I sent, however long ago that was, asking for his reasons/why. He said he didn't want to put it in an email because then it'd be in print (ha! OK). So here is what he said:
-he was just unhappy
-he didn't know who he was
-this "wasn't what he wanted"
-he felt like he missed out on "opportunities" (more on that later)
-he "knew this wasn't going to work long term anyways"
-we grew apart (surprise to me...)
-we didn't really communicate (I think that means HE didn't communicate)
-who he was and what he wanted changed over time. So all the typical things we see here all the time, that we wish our S would just have talked to us about and seem totally workable. But he said this is what he's decided, and there is "no changing it." Fine, at this point a lot of bridges have been burned.

The opportunities thing. He said something like "this isn't about dating other people so I hope you're not telling people that." I asked "well what is it, then?" His example: "I didn't really feel like I could make friends or spend time with them. Not that I'm blaming you but.. for example, if we had dinner plans after I had soccer, but then at soccer some of the guys asked me to hang out and have drinks, I couldn't cancel plans with you because you'd be angry. But I could hang out with you any time and it's not often that friends ask me to hang out, so I felt like I didn't have any flexibility, and that in a relationship there should be that flexibility if other things come up to cancel plans or hang out with other people."

??? I don't think I'm unreasonable in what I want. But (and I'm hesistant to say this because it makes this feel like a mutual thing/decision, when it wasn't) I guess we really just did want different things out of a marriage. I wanted someone I could count on, who put me above his friends, who liked spending time with me. He doesn't seem to have wanted that same thing. I guess now he can spend all the time with his friends that he wants.

We also talked about the house thing too. I said I wasn't comfortable with extending this over a long period of time. He responded "well, legally I have 5 years to pay you back, and if you're going to be unreasonable and fight me over six months or a year, then we'll both have to have lawyers and it'll cost way more money." To which I said: "You know, you just said you cared about me a lot still, and were really sorry about all of this. If that were true, why not show it to me by paying me the money I am owed? I'm losing out on accruing interest/paying off debt the longer you spread this out, so it does negatively affect me." Then he changed his tune and said he would work on the numbers and do whatever he could to pay me it all right away at the time of D.

I feel sad and yet.. I knew these things about him. I just chose to hope he would change/grow out of it/whatever. I guess if there's anything else I've learned through this and especially today, is that I'll really have to be fine with my next partner/S as they are and not expect or hope they will change over time. Because some things like preferences in how much time you spend together, or how much you share about your day, or how much individual vs. joint activities and decisions you have, really don't change.

I think someone posted this idea earlier on Maybell's thread - I am kind of angry right now that I put so much time and effort into our R and put up with so much cr*p from him, and yet HE'S the one that walks out because he's not happy.

On the positive side, I've met a number of single guys lately via a friend, so that's been fun. Some I think are not long-term material (like the one guy who doesn't really have a job and just drives for Uber... no thank you) but at least they do exist! I met a particularly nice, cute one yesterday who runs a financial website but is taking classes to go to med school. He is D'ed as well (would have been about when he was about 28/29) and I don't know the story, but at least I know other people in the same boat.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
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This is a really good post. And I commend you for finding all this about your STBX before you had a ton of years and children invested in him. DEFINITELY use this as a learning experience!

Hugs to you. smile


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

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KGirl -

I have followed your story but haven't really ever had anything I felt was helpful to add as you've always had a wise support group. Anyway, This post sounds so hopeful. I am happy for you and can only echo what Maybell said - so happy that you and STBX gave the gift of figuring out what a jerk he was before bringing kids into the mix. Not that it makes the loss any less painful but you still are young and have so much hope for a REAL relationship.

Best of luck


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Thanks, Maybell and TO!

TO - I've been following your story, too, since we're the same age/have been in our R's for similar lengths of time, but it seems we're in different places now. Plus you probably have an extra level of maturity that I don't have since you have kids to take care of smile I just worry about myself and my cat.

Maybell - yes, better to know now than later. But (seems I can always find the dark lining in the cloud), now I'm concerned that that gives me so much more time to have to repeat all of this. What if I get remarried sometime in my 30's, and then 10 years later this happens to me again? I feel like I'd die if this happens to me again, I feel like I barely survived the first time. I know everything is uncertain, and I'd like to be M again, but the chance it will fail again is so scary. I feel like I know SOME warning signs to look for, but I may just get so excited to have someone again that I overlook them in favor of not being alone.

I think part of my ambivalence and stress lately is due to what I thought would be a helpful idea. I signed on to OKCupid and didn't set up a profile but just answered a bunch of the personality questions, just to see if there were people out there that felt similarly. After you answer a bunch of personality questions it gives an "assessment" that compares you to other people on the site. Mine said I was much less independent and much less trusting than the average person. Yes, it's just a dumb site, but how is that going to be attractive to anyone? I don't know if the quizzes are just dumb or if I really have issues with being dependent/untrusting. I thought I had really put some work into that with all of my codependent reading and all, but it seems not. For example, one of the questions it asks is "Do you think it's OK to look at your partner's phone or email?" I chose the answer that went something like "yes, if it's warranted or they are hiding something." I have yet to find a guy on the site that I match above 90% with that has that same answer. In fact, they all put the opposite types of answers ("no, snooping is wrong") and that other answers are dealbreakers. Maybe I won't be so crazy after time heals more of my wounds??

The other question that no one agrees with is the "If you like someone, after how many dates would you have s*x with them?" I put 6+. I have yet to see anyone with that, they all put either 1, 2-3, or 3-5. Mostly on the low end. It's really terrifying to me. I keep thinking about what 25 posts sometimes, about how men get to know people through s*x whereas women need to know them first. I said that to some male friends the other day and they both snorted and one said "well, I'm glad that MOST women don't feel that way." WTF? I feel like a big weirdo. And it's not like I have religious convictions about it or need to be married... I just want to be really comfortable with someone, and I don't know how you can do that after meeting them for a few hours. And know that we are exclusive. I told a friend that I'd want to know if someone is dating anyone else before I had s*x with them and she gave me a weird look and said "I don't think that will go over well." *sigh*. This whole only having dated one person basically for my adult life is not serving me well right now.

And then, I sent a facebook friend request to the guy I met on Saturday. And he denied it. I kinda feel like I want to just bury my head in the sand. Rejection is hard when you've already been rejected by the one person who isn't supposed to reject you. I think I just need to wait for people to come to me. I mean, I had 10+ messages on this site within a day and I hadn't even made a profile, it just loaded my picture from my facebook profile! Sigh.

For those of you out there who want answers to the why's and all of that.. honestly, they may not even know. I was thinking about how my STBX also said when we talked "If someone asked me why I wanted a divorce.. I guess it'd be hard for me to answer.. it's just a lot of things... and really an overall feeling.. it's hard to explain. I guess I don't know who I am or what I want and I still don't." So, they truly may not be capable of answering.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
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OK, feeling better today. Just got back from spending the past two days on a midweek mini-vacation. Drove to a resort town an hour away, stayed overnight at a spa resort, got a massage, spent lots of time relaxing in various pools/showers/etc. They even have an outdoor heated pool and hot tub that are open in the winter, which is surprisingly lovely even when it's 10 degrees (F) out! Lots of time to calm myself and do meditative-type things. Did some shopping at the outlet mall and went to a casino, too.

I'm not so worried or concerned about H anymore. That's in the past at this point. One of the things he said during that last phone call was "Maybe we could have talked about things and made it work.. but I wasn't really interested in that." In terms of a partner, I want someone who is communicative, who is willing to problem-solve, and be open about what's bothering them. It seems STBX is not that type of person. Definitely not now, maybe he wasn't ever. So, time to focus on what's right for me and what I DO want in my life.

So of all of the single guys I've been introduced to lately... the one guy who I wasn't particularly interested in/didn't really find attractive, was of course the one who reached out to me (sent me a message yesterday saying "hope you're having a relaxing time away!). I wonder if I've set my standards too high? It's hard to know who is within your "league" or not. I've never really had to think about it or worry about it until now. Hmm...


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
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K Girl,

I'm glad you had some time away. Sometimes a little self care can help rejuvenate us and help us feel more relaxed and focused.

I had to respond to the "out of our league" comment. I'm older than you are and that comment still makes an appearance in all age groups smile I refer to it as "out punting your coverage." Honestly, I think many people secretly feel that way, when in reality, no one is truly in *leagues*. We just have people we connect with better than others and in the spirit of candor, sometimes we are attracted to people and that feeling isn't always mutual. Try to change your perspective. You seem like a smart, funny, caring young lady and I have no doubt that you can have the R you desire.

Hang in there! You are doing great :-)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Originally Posted By: KGirl
It's hard to know who is within your "league" or not. I've never really had to think about it or worry about it until now. Hmm...
Originally Posted By: Georgiabelle

I had to respond to the "out of our league" comment. I'm older than you are and that comment still makes an appearance in all age groups smile I refer to it as "out punting your coverage." Honestly, I think many people secretly feel that way, when in reality, no one is truly in *leagues*.


And I'm older than both of you and I still feel this way. There was a guy on the sailboat that was attractive and we had several nice conversations during the day. He even expressed interest in me. But I felt like we were in different "leagues", not that one of us was better than the other, but he was different than my comfort zone. When I think about what kind of guy I'm looking for, I have to admit fantasy man looks a lot like my H and my friends Hs. A certain education level, a certain income level, certain hobbies, etc. But it's a box, a limitation. And I'm trying to change my perspective, just like GB said.



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I've also had to think in terms of leagues recently. What plays in our favour is that not everyone has the same tastes. My best friend is nonplussed by my WAW. I feel the same about his W. Yet, we both think ours is gorgeous. So there will be this guy that's just so handsome to you yet unnoticed by others or, better, also smitten with you. And there are many guys like this out there. Dating is a numbers game, so talk to every cute guy you meet. Don't settle!


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Well, the guy who rejected my fb request.. showed up in our mutual friend's photos, making out w/ some girl at a bar. I don't know that I'm particularly interested in a guy in his 30's who makes out w/ girls in bars, so I think that's effectively killed my interest in him.

The more I think about it the more I think I'm nowhere near ready to try and meet people online or that I don't already know through some other avenue. Meeting people through existing social circles or that I already know through other people seems safer right now. The idea of dating (and sex! mostly that part) is terrifying enough without having to figure it out with someone I've never met. All this makes me mad at my STBX, too, because if not for him I wouldn't have to be worrying about any of this. I was totally content to have been with just one person and not worry about re-learning all of that or rediscovering someone else.. but since HE is not, now I have to be forced into it, too. Even if the familiar/comfortable wasn't so great, at least it was familiar/comfortable.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
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