Zelda - Navigating old ruts and land mines in M.2

[Zelda09]

My co-worker BFF just explained it: quit being a control freak and smile and just trust him, whatever he wants, would it kill you?
He clearly thinks you think he's a moron.

[susana4]

Z - this is tough stuff. I think your coworker has it spot on.

I know it's really hard to maintain the open-accepting mindset and be the one working to make sense of the other person - but I think it's worth it in the end. Not just in the M but in all relationships. I'm assuming (hoping!) that this sort of mindset gets easier over time once you do it enough and it becomes second nature.

I have some more questions for you.

1. The stuff you are questioning H about - what questions are you asking? What's it in relation to? His life/goals/aspirations? Your life together as a couple?
2. How are you phrasing the questions?

Can you give some examples? Just wondering if it's in the phrasing and tone - do you think it comes across as combative/not trusting, or genuine curiosity?

Maybe the questions are a cheeseless tunnel.


I am genuinely interested in my H and his points of view, interests. I'd be a lot more respectful of them if they sounded remotely like mine. And happier to hear them if they didn't fire me up so much.
Well, I think you know herein lies a problem. I totally get it. But I think it's the control freak in us. At the end of the day, they're his POV and you have to ask yourself what impact it really has over *your* life. Obviously some issues will impact you (others won't). Remember to pick and choose your battles.

[Zelda09]

The questions:

Where is this place?
This piece of mail, it got taken care of?

Probably pretty indicative of where we stand if harmless surface question like that get so much pushback. I am not used to smiling and being a deferential wife figure. I probably get more insulted than I should when he tells me not to worry about it.

[Zelda09]

But, we are going out to celebrate tonight. I secured about $1 million of funding for the nonprofit I work for, (the major one of the three jobs/careers I'm juggling) and I will take a nice dinner as an opportunity to connect with him. Looking forward to getting dressed up, too!

[susana4]

Congrats, that's fantastic!!! Have a great time. And wear something gorgeous!

[Zelda09]

Yeah we just had a fight in between dinner and drinks. I'm sitting on a bench and H stated he was going to go down to the bar. God forbid I ask him to put his cell phone away or tell him that while he's staring at it and trying to multitask our conversations I feel like he's not interested in me. This has been bothering me for weeks and of course I bring it up tonight when he snaps at me. Awesome. Ends with him telling me how unhappy I am. I say maybe he is the one that is unhappy, and he says it's entirely possible. F'ing awesome.

So I can sit here
Go join him at the bar.
Go home

Ppl were supposed to meet us out in 30'.

[susana4]

(((())))

[Zelda09]

There's just so much to say about it all, I'm kinda left with nothing.

We talked it over this morning, made friends again, admitted ways we cold have handled better.

H is still here, still committed, but doggedly so. This isn't what I want, and told him if he isn't doing well here, I will understand. I don't want my heart broken again but since he was telling me 12 hours ago about his idea for crafting a guillotine for himself...

He says he's just trying to do his best. I say I understand.

I just feel like this is the same as it's always been, 6 years of it, and I have always tried so much harder and made so many less excuses. It's not fair for him to deeply want something else and choose me, doing his best, so all his real feelings can explode in height of argument.

I asked him, which statements, which are the ones I trust?

He claims he always gets defensive and says things he doesn't mean. Things he doesn't mean led to almost being divorced, tgen, but I keep that to myself.

He says he is still probably hearing a lot of what used to be there, that I've been much easier to be around. I tell him I've been grateful for the times he was string for me lately.

Still. I feel so, so sad.

[Zelda09]

Please help. I'm about to be a WAW.

I asked about how his job search was going this morning, and he blew up all over. "I don't need this pressure right now, you should know who I am, I'm doing the best I can, depression is a real thing, I feel like you are so distant."

I asked him to just keep me informed, and talk to me about how he was feeling and approaching this stuff. Some concerns I had over financial implications I'd he didn't start a part time thing somewhere.

"Are you talking to people about this?"

Of course. IC, mom, friends.

"I don't believe you. If you are, then they are going to have to explain this to you."

H, that's not fair. Neither your IC or my IC can explain you and your thoughts and feelings, that's why I am asking you.

"I can't tell you, you should just know me."

I'm going to go shower.

(Spew..No! ."coward")

I need to calm down, too."

----

So that was the first time he ever pursued me or tried to stop me when I got up. That was interesting. I felt bad he was rattled but that was ridiculous.

After I got ready, I simply hugged him and said "I'm here to support you however I can."

His response?

"Z, just promise me you will keep seeing IC/MC."

(This aggravates me on so many levels. She has just signed off on me going out to two weeks or less, told me I am doing great. She is primarily our MC. This is my H putting this all on me, like I am the one that is messed up. I am not struggling anywhere else in my life, he is the one that is swimming in his mental health issues.)

I smiled and said, actually there is an appt for us Mon night.

"I don't want to go. I want you to go."

"I am, but this appointment is for us."

"I don't want to go."

"Well, I hope you change your mind. We need a MC and that was her primary role here. Goodbye."
----

I want a Divorce I think.
because I think we are fundamentally not working. H wants to blame his childhood for everything, admits struggling with things on an adult level. Wants to talk about suicide anytime I bring up my feelings - the message is clear enough, he is the only one that has a right to be struggling. He is still one four and one foot out of our M as I suspect he's been at every stage of our R. He doesn't believe I should have ANY expectations of him, whether it be cleaning up after himself or helping to provide and build our lives - tho he puts all his expectations of the kind of person I 'should' be on to me.

I want a partner who is doesn't see himself as a victim of childhood and whatever else bad happened. Someone who isn't governed by fear. Someone who won't threaten our M in the middle of every fight. Someone who doesn't blame me for his feelings or mental health. Someone who knows himself and does more than watch YouTube all day. Someone who wants to have a family. Someone who adores me and has strong communication skills.

I have tried, and he is just stuck, bent on being stuck.

I just don't know what to do. I suppose nothing right now. I want to start wrapping my head around what and when a D looks like though.

[Calibri]

Oooh boy. That's tough Z.

I can really identify with your last paragraph about your H and childhood problems, etc.

I've been thinking about that a lot lately, as I don't know if/when my H will be able to overcome his childhood and the victim mentality that he has. I found myself nodding along to just about everything you said.

The only thing I can really offer is this: your H may never change. You both are working on things -- and it sounds like you are able to process and apply your changes faster that your H will/may be able to. Does that work for you? It's not going to be an overnight change and I think that's where you'll have to asses if you have the patience to stick to it and see where it goes. But you also have to consider that H may not change, and that who he is now, may be who he is forever, or for the foreseeable future.

My IC once told me - as I said something similar to her about my H and a victim mentality and, "why didn't he just pull himself up by the bootstraps?" And she shot back at me, "How do you know that he isn't doing the best that he can?" Point taken.

Where you're at is tough. I saw the suicide comment last night and wanted to double back and ask if I was interpreting it the way I was, but I fell asleep, and then you confirmed it. There's a lot of pressure on you -- not only from him, but I think internally from yourself as well. And it sounds like to me you're walking on eggshells, and there's only so long before they break.

So. I agree. What does a D look like for you? Will that solve the issue at hand. Will you be able to walk away ok with how everything went down? Just some things to think about.

Congrats about your grant funding btw!