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OK - will do it.


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F,

If your W comes at you with why you're doing this through email and throws more chit at you, you might want to say this to her:

W,

I understand that you are upset. Yesterday, some hurtful things were said to me and I don't like being spoken in that manner. Please don't speak to me like that.

Sometimes emotions can be quite high and we may say things that we will regret. I think it is important for both of us to take a break and step back for a while. It seems to me that both of us are shouting at each other to be "heard" but all of that has been lost. If you continue to yell/be abusive, I will not respond to them.

Please email me if you have issues or information to discuss.

Thank you for your understanding.

-F



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Wonka

Tell me why again I even need to respond to this email? She was very very clear that she feels harassed by me, hounded by me, and that she does not want any part of our marriage or "us".

I feel that if I reply to this, that it perpetuates the toxic dynamic between us at such an early stage.

Would it not be better to just not reply?

I am being sincere with my question. I honestly feel that if she ran away from me, that I am pursuing her and I think she needs her space and frankly I do too after the horrible exchange yesterday at the coffee shop and subsequent awful texts last night and today.


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F,

You certainly don't need to respond right away. If it is an emergency then yes, but otherwise you do not need to be baited back into a fight.

Did she send a response to your only want to communicate via email message?

I think what Wonka is saying about the email response is only if she starts to attack or spew at you.

And remember that the emails could be used as record in a D, so communicate wisely.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
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Wonka

I have not responded to her question from yesterday of:

So this is our communication now. Right?


She is asking me to confirm that this is how we will communicate - only via email?


I have not responded as I feel it is bait to get me into another argument and she gets to control the narrative.

She then sends me another email last night:

How much more time do you think you need to review and comment on the last parts of the spreadsheet but don't want to rush you.


The spreadsheet she refers to is our mediation spreadsheet. I have not replied to that email either as she clearly wants to rush me and I don't want to be rushed into something (a mediated divorce) that I don't want and feel it's way too early in our situation to even discuss.

As you know, I am speaking to a L today. But what I have gathered from our Mediator is that there is no time line, and I don't have to agree or even respond. If I don't agree to any terms, then after 5 years the petition is dropped from the courts. I am not saying this is what I will do, but it's an option.

I have heard from all the wise DB's on the site that this is a marathon not a sprint. I can't fix anything and certainly don't want to rush into anything unwise for me or the sake of my kids.

So, I am choosing at this point to not reply so I won't inflame the situation any further. I don't know how this will affect anything, but at least I am not being pushed into making any statements or decisions that I don't want to.

Again, this is a hard process but I think I am learning to not react to her zig zagging train but to disengage and I will set the course for ME and my kids.

Thoughts and comments are welcome and always appreciated.


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Weird Conversation with OK Cupid Person

So an OK Cupid person sounded fun so we began chatting and found out we had many similar situations, both lived in the same city, both had kids, both were divorced (or soon to be I think).

We started chatting about how we got to where we are. Her story is:

Married for 18.5 years and then met AP and started an affair. The AP was also married with kids. The AP made her feel like she hadn't felt in years, that she was alive and how it illustrated how unhapy she was in her marriage.

She gave up her wife, her kids, her house and was fired from her teaching job. The AP dumped her and did not leave her family. She said she was not sorry she did it and would have done it again because it brought her back to "her".

She used the same script my WAW used, even down to the same exact words:

My wife "called the shots"
My wife was not there for me emotionally
I realized that my happiness came first in order to make my kids happy
I can't understand why my wife is angry with me
I realized I could never go back to my marriage
I am happy rediscovering me
I have found peace in my life as a single person


It was like she was reading from a script and it made me feel sick to my stomach and was creepy. I realized this is exactly what my WAW has said to me on so many occasions since this whole situation started.

I have read here many times there is an affair script and this is proof to me that this is indeed correct.

So so sad to have realized this but I will just have to try and use it to my advantage now that I know the playbook. I don't know if that is even possible.


Has anyone else experienced this scripted scenario that is so so similar that it is eerie.

Needless to say, I ended the conversation and won't be talking to this person again.




Last edited by FOOLISH; 03/04/15 04:23 PM.

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Does anyone have any comment on this weird conversation? Do all cheaters have this script book?? It was uncanny and creepy at the same time.


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From what I have seen on here and heard, yes they all have a basic script that they use. The more I am on here the more it becomes apparent. It seemed a surprise when people were saying the same to me, but when looked at from the outside it seems pretty apparent in a lot of situations.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
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F,

Sometimes saying nothing is the best route. It looks like your W calmed down and went right to the spreadsheet. Yes, you would want to wait for your L's advice before doing any thing else. No more DIY stuff on these matters.

OK Cupid...it is silly nonsense. It is same for other sites like Match.com, POF, Harmony....you just really don't know the people on the other side who post in these sites. Some are married and lie lie lie like there's no tomorrow. I am not saying that all of them are like that for there are some genuine gems out there who are sincerely seeking out others to date.

Don't let those comments take up your head space rent free.

When do you meet with your new L? I thought it was today.

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Hi Wonka - Nice to see you are back.

Yes, met with L today. We clicked and I really liked him, a lot more than the last one. Most of his clients are LGBT and he is well versed in that area of family law.

He told me to stop m., just stop participating. When W asks about progress, just say "working on it". He said that will stall it off for years.

However, that is not my goal, my goal is get my WAW calmed down and me too so I can approach this rationally and not be ruled by emotion like anger and fear. I also want to do this on my schedule. I feel more in control instead of reacting to her demands and general BS.

Does that make sense to you? I hope so because everyone else thinks I am nuts to not just go ahead and get this over with.

But then, they aren't me now are they? I want to give it a year, regroup and decide how to proceed.

During this time, I will continue to work on my personal goals, GAL, PMA, work out, make friends and enjoy my kids. I will be more soft in my interactions with my WAW. I realize that she is probably scared and hurting too. I will try to show her some empathy even thought I am still pretty upset.

I am even flirting at work and it feels fun. I had forgotten how to do that apparently.

Now lets see what tomorrow brings.

Last edited by FOOLISH; 03/05/15 03:08 AM.

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