So confused mixed messages

[Cherry]

I'm so grateful to each and every one of you for responding. I have been going out of my mind with this for a couple months which led to me nagging or questioning him. He came home today and said nothing to me or my son. I made dinner- he ate with us. I tried to ask him how his day was- he was moody and didn't really respond. I left it at that and put my son to bed. He goes to his room I go to mine. I tried not to look hurt but I'm breaking.

Heart I'm so glad things are working for you and you are right. What they have with the OW is just like when you get with any person- no responsibilities. I'm a pretty independent woman but he sees me and our son as responsibilities. A question though- when you distanced yourself- would you make conversation like ask how his day went? Or be a friend to him. I'm just not sure what to do. I tried distancing myself before- he came to me gave me lots of compliments- that resulted in sex and I feel that set me back a bit and messed with my head.

[Heart14]

Cherry, I'll give some description of what I did. Bear in mind, something else may work better with your H though. Monitor his reaction to your level of engagement and then keep doing what works.

For me, I stopped initiating most conversation. I didn't text or call during the day unless it was a scheduling thing for our son. When we were home together, I'd be friendly but not overly chatty. I'd say hi and ask how his day was when he got home. I didn't try and keep the conversation going though. I didn't try and fill the silence. If he wanted to talk, he would. If I felt awkward, I'd just leave the room and do something for me. I stopped telling him I loved him. He already knew and it was too painful to watch him be uncomfortable saying it back. I didn't initiate any touching either. If he tried to hold my hand I would though. That's kind of a gray area because you have to make sure he's not cake eating.

Hope this helps. I'm by no means a vet, so take what works and discard the rest. Remember this is a marathon not a sprint. It takes time and a lot of patience.

[Cherry]

I stopped saying I love him. After he said to me he loved me as a friend I felt humiliated when he would mutter it back to me. We have occasionally sat chatting and it's been nice however sometimes that has led to sex which has then led to silences the next day. Basically it's best to be a little mysterious and look like your getting on with life just fine?

[Cherry]

Does the waking up in the morning depressed get any easier? I wake up and it's like it hits me what has happened and I feel like crying. I get up and sort my son out and concentrate on him. It's like my mind wants to hurt me as all I do is think of how we were not too long ago. And I just can't bring myself to believe him. This isn't my husband.
He's admitted to liking another woman who also has feelings for him. He claims he wants a divorce so then he doesn't feel he's cheating. I can't believe him as in the next breath I get told he cares for me- loves me as a friend, doesn't want me to move out and can't sleep in the same bed as me as he is finding it difficult to look at me and not have sex with me, and I'm a beautiful woman.


Does this make sense to anyone?!
I ordered the DB book today

[Heart14]

Yes, it's very familiar. The book has a lot of useful information. I read DR and it was a lifesaver. With detachment, it does get easier. When you are detached you don't let his moods/behaviors affect you. You have a positive outlook on life regardless of what he does. You can't control or change his actions, only your own response to them.

Basically it's best to be a little mysterious and look like your getting on with life just fine?

In some ways yes. Focus on yourself and making the changes you think are necessary for you to be happy with yourself. With a young child GAL can be challenging. It's important to do something's for yourself though. After my son was born I stopped making much effort with my appearance. I was exhausted most of the time and some days finding time for a shower was difficult. I focused on fixing that so I would have more confidence in myself. I did it for me. It was an added bonus that H noticed and appreciated the change.

The book will outline how to set goals for yourself. Things you can achieve in a relatively short time period. Are there things you enjoyed before your son that you've stopped doing?

[EyeTie]

Does the waking up in the morning depressed get any easier? I wake up and it's like it hits me what has happened and I feel like crying. I get up and sort my son out and concentrate on him. It's like my mind wants to hurt me as all I do is think of how we were not too long ago. And I just can't bring myself to believe him. This isn't my husband.

I wish I could say that it gets easier. My wife gave me the speech 2 months ago, moved out 3 weeks ago. Sometimes I wake up and reach over for her and get depressed that she isn't there. Other times I don't even think about her and do my daily routine. The biggest thing that I have learned is the 180 and the GAL. Both are for your benefit more so theirs. For instance, I am usually a homebody, but I have been taking dance classes and cooking classes, both of which would have taken me completely out of my comfort zone 6 months ago. I would love nothing more than to save my marriage, but it's hard. It's sad watching my children deal with everything going on as well. Get out living and things will move along fine, so they say.

He's admitted to liking another woman who also has feelings for him. He claims he wants a divorce so then he doesn't feel he's cheating. I can't believe him as in the next breath I get told he cares for me- loves me as a friend, doesn't want me to move out and can't sleep in the same bed as me as he is finding it difficult to look at me and not have sex with me, and I'm a beautiful woman.


Does this make sense to anyone?!
I ordered the DB book today

Read the book, then read it again. I have read it 3 times and skimmed it a 4th. Exactly what your husband is saying to you, is classic. He wants his cake and to eat it too. Detach, do not make yourself available to him and see what happens. Good luck, you came to the right place!

[Cherry]

It's so hard. I see something and pick up my phone to text him then remember and stop.
I used to like travelling and seeing places, but also have a big interest in fashion and shopping. I recently started making sure H doesn't see me without make up and when he's around at the weekend I'm wearing nice new clothes and looking stylish.. He passed a comment about me being a hot mamma- or a milf (these are compliments in his head). But like I said last time this resulted in sex with me thinking the emotional connection might make him realise but if anything I feel it said him back and probably made him think he can click his fingers and have me.
I'm thinking about treating myself to some beauty treatments like an eyebrow tint or lash tint to make me feel good.
I know the feeling of rolling over and him not being there. It breaks my heart. I felt so ashamed of myself the other day. We had hot passionate (maybe loving) sex, then I pick my clothes up and lie in an empty bed by myself. I had such a lack of respect for myself and felt so empty.

[Cherry]

And how on earth do you deal with the pain when you know they are out with the OW. Like right now, I'm pretty certain he is. Or he sits in the car on the phone to her. We have a baby I've put to bed who hasn't seen his dad today. And he isn't bothered. Finding this very difficult

[Heart14]

And how on earth do you deal with the pain when you know they are out with the OW. Like right now, I'm pretty certain he is. Or he sits in the car on the phone to her.

It is tough. Detaching and focusing on you, not him, is how you minimize the pain. It's not easy. It takes time to get there.

We have a baby I've put to bed who hasn't seen his dad today. And he isn't bothered. Finding this very difficult

When you read the book you'll see the term cheeseless tunnels. You can spend time and energy thinking about this and it won't get you anywhere. Probably no explanation would make logical sense to sense to you anyway. He may not even understand why he's acting this way. It may seem like he isn't bothered by his actions. You don't actually know if that is true though.

[Cherry]

Heart you give great advise. I honestly thing he's jealous of baby but will never admit it. He's said about baby being too attached to me. That's because I'm pretty much a single mum and have been a few months all day every day seeing to him.